Husband of 2 years changed his mind

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, when we first got together we both wanted children and talked about it thoroughly. I already have a 3 year old and didn’t want to wait to long to have another child, since I already also suffer from fertility issues. A lot of things happened including my husband being sick and us not being able to figure out what was going on. In the end it didn’t end up being anything serious but due to the illness we ended up being setback, now he is telling me he doesn’t want kids anymore. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I have always wanted a large family and we both know it isn’t going to happen if I stay with him, I don’t know what to do and I could use some advice.

Well, you may have to pull out the big guns.........move out / breakup for awhile or cut off sex until he becomes more agreeable. Women often want to have kids, it goes with the territory (dating), and if he's going back on his word now that's fraud.

So you want to have more children more than you want to stay with your husband? Do you love him? Did you agree on the 'better or worse' thing?

Is it possible he might change his mind?

How recent was his illness and the set back you mentioned?

Do you think was some time he might feel differently, especially if his illness was very recent?

No he isn’t going to change his mind. He also has told me that he would understand if I left and it wouldn’t be fair of him to keep me from what I want. He’s pretty set in his decision.

A little over a year ago. We found out it was IBS and got him on a medication that makes it so he isn’t in pain. The 4 doctors we went to at first refused to listen to him and we had to keep switching his diet we finally found one who cared.

Find a marital therapist and talk this out to figure out where you both really stand and whether he is just acting on fear. You may have to end your marriage.

Do you want children more than you want him? Would you resent him later? If the answer is yes, you know your answer. Having had fertility issues myself and losing 4 babies because my husband took forever to get his crap together and want kids I understand the struggle. In the end I only ended up with one . My body was done being able to bear children at 30 years old.

A little over a year ago. We found out it was IBS and got him on a medication that makes it so he isn’t in pain. The 4 doctors we went to at first refused to listen to him and we had to keep switching his diet we finally found one who cared.

I have IBS and while it can be debilitating at times it doesn’t stop one from having kids . I also ended up with migraines and trigeminal neuralgia and diabetes and hypertension and arthritis. Eh, it is life, you deal with it and move on.

Sorry about all this.

I agree that counseling would really help here, regardless of whether you stay married or not. His decision may very well be final, but if it's coming on the heels of an illness it could also feel final while actually being more of an emotional response to a volatile juncture in life than an expression of his firmest, most authentic desires. A good therapist, I think, could be valuable for you both in getting to the nuts and bolts there.

Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you were dating before getting married? Aside from this issue—which I understand is a major one—would you describe your relationship as loving and sturdy?

I am 23 he is 24 we dated for a year before but were close friends for 3 before. His parents didn’t have him until their late 30s and as far his illness goes he feels better now he knows what it is but wants to live his life since he can be healthy for it now he doesn’t want to have the commitment of having kids since he says he will never be able to travel or basically do anything fun if he has one.

We have always been really good at communicating and loved each other a lot, we try to be understanding with each other as far as sturdy goes I believe so. We have a lot of trust in each other

I am 23 he is 24 we dated for a year before but were close friends for 3 before. His parents didn’t have him until their late 30s and as far his illness goes he feels better now he knows what it is but wants to live his life since he can be healthy for it now he doesn’t want to have the commitment of having kids since he says he will never be able to travel or basically do anything fun if he has one.

I would let him go. He is too young. And if he feels he will never have a fun life with kids he’s never going to appreciate them and of course you travel and have fun even if you have kids.

I am 23 he is 24 we dated for a year before but were close friends for 3 before. His parents didn’t have him until their late 30s and as far his illness goes he feels better now he knows what it is but wants to live his life since he can be healthy for it now he doesn’t want to have the commitment of having kids since he says he will never be able to travel or basically do anything fun if he has one.

i expected the two of you to be older when you were indicating fertility issues and an illness. If you were in your later 30s, I would say illnesses change things and if your fertility issues would involve expensive measures to have a child - ivf, etc, i could understand how he could feel that he is "spent" - where if it happened naturally, great but not to go through the wringer of fertility treatment. I could see how he would want to just love the child you have.

I am puzzled about the travel thing because you already have a child that affects your ability to travel - but then a child that was his - you couldn't dump off with a third parent.

Does he just not want kids NOW and wants to wait? Travel a bit, have kids when he is 30? Do you feel he thinks he regrets being married?

Could it be just fear talking?

He didn't change his mind in a bait and switch type of way you present it. He became quite seriously ill and will have life-long life-change issues as a result. Where is the father of your other child? Is he paying child support?

It sounds like you resent your husband for becoming ill and just want a way out so this thing about needing a big family may be your ticket out. Either way you don't seem ready to be with someone who has his condition so you may as well start the divorce and start looking for partner, husband, baby-daddy # 3 even though you are 23 years old.

We found out it was IBS and got him on a medication that makes it so he isn’t in pain.

I would have been done if my husband changed his mind about having any kids but yes you want what you want - you want more kids and he said he did too then he got sick. We travel a lot with our son who is now 10 -we started when he was 4. It's not that easy to travel with a child but I assume your husband thinks you can travel just with him because the dad will take care of your child? But obviously children get sick, so do dads so you are somewhat impeded in traveling since you are a mom.

I agree totally with Seraphim's analysis and perspective. (And he's entitled to his dealbreakers but it's IBS -it's not a disease where he would have limited time to live but having a child)

I think you're getting a bit lost in the who wants what and why department.

You said in your first post, OP, that you have fertility issues. How realistic is it for you to have a large family in the first place? You can want it as much as you do but are you being realistic with yourself and superimposing those insecurities on your partner?

I'd get an updated clinical assessment of your ability to reproduce first and have a few opinions from different health care specialists if you need to. Your frustrations (while valid) seem futile to me at this stage. Don't get overworked about who wants what. Just stick to the facts and what you can and can't do. Also revisit your financial status as a couple. Make peace with yourself and then go from there.

I would like to say thanks to everyone who has responded with some amazing advice, it has been truly helpful. And in response to some of the questions about my 3 year old and fertility problems, I was in a very abusive relationship after being kicked out of my mothers house at 16 I was scared with no where to go and my ex wanted a baby, I did to it I just wanted to wait. I had my daughter at 18, I love her but she came around when I was not sure what I wanted and was going through rough times. It took over a year to get pregnant which could very well have been due to stress and a few other factors, I was told that I have endometriosis from a doctor but that doesn’t always mean you can’t have kids it’s just high risk. I love my husband very much but I know what it’s like to have someone force something on you that your not ready for or do not want. My ex got help and us being separated changed him and he and I have A very good coparenting relationship. I hope that helps people understand. I just want to see other ways of thinking and to be able to keep an open mind.

I know many people including my mother-in-law and her sister who had kids while having endo.

It’s possible I was just told it may be hard for me to have kids after 30 because of it. I’m not a medical professional so I don’t know. I really just wanted advice, I love him and I don’t want to make any permanent decisions if this is something we can get worked out.

You will be waiting til he's 30 before he wants kids. Freeze your eggs.

Ok, why not sit down with a marriage therapist so both of you can air your concerns and get some answers? This way you can discuss your medical concerns and desire for a large family and he can discuss his fears and concerns about his condition. A professional can give you neutral advice and help both of you sort all this out before these issues become fissures so large they can't be repaired.

It’s possible I was just told it may be hard for me to have kids after 30 because of it. I’m not a medical professional so I don’t know. I really just wanted advice, I love him and I don’t want to make any permanent decisions if this is something we can get worked out.

Ok, why not sit down with a marriage therapist so both of you can air your concerns and get some answers? This way you can discuss your medical concerns and desire for a large family and he can discuss his fears and concerns about his condition. A professional can give you neutral advice and help both of you sort all this out before these issues become fissures so large they can't be repaired.

I agree with this.

I have a feeling he never did want kids, or is not ready to want kids or he's not with the right woman.

I have a different take. I think before thinking of having another, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to get some therapy on your own. And at the same time, go in for a thorough medical assessment.

It's concerning you were actively trying for a baby as a tern, having been kicked out of home and living in an abusive relationship just to have a place to be. And then after that, you married someone else straight away and have been wanting to have a bunch more babies.

Are you having babies to try and fill a void? Are you scared to deal with your own life? Babies aren't to create purpose and direction. They are their own little humans. Your 3 year already has had two men in their life, and you have already considered making that three for the sole reason of you wanting more babies...at 23.

Slow right down and deal with some issues.

I know it's not a popular viewpoint but someone should mention it, you said you wanted other viewpoints.

I also want to mention that when you had your child at 18, trying for a year under extreme stress and such a young age, you were higher risk. I wouldn't use that experience as the yardstick of your current health now and in the future.

I think your husband has a lot of good reasons to not want to barrel forward with another pregnancy.