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Thread: Ex contacted me

  1. #81
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like your therapist is a good advocate and she is onto his motives.
    Originally Posted by LSL
    I told my therapist about it and she said that was very selfish of him to say to me and she said surely this shows you that the relationship wasnt right because hes not respecting when you say it's too difficult to be friends

  2. #82
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    I really dont know just because he said he was really down a few weeks ago when he last messaged, I just wouldn't want anything to happen to him but I need to be strong and know hes not my responsibility anymore
    Something to maybe explore in therapy:

    He was never your responsibility—that's not what romance means but a destroyer of romance. We don't exist to serve the feelings of others, but to find people with whom we can feel like ourselves, cherished for who we are, and vise versa. This mode of thinking—he's hurting, don't want anything to happen—is a cornerstone of co-dependence, also known as black hole in which we lose sight of the precious thing that is us.

    He is just fine, no different than you. If not getting a text back from you would be so cataclysmic to him that something would happen—well, that would have nothing to do with you at all but would be a symptom of some very serious mental health issues that he does not suffer from. He's just used to having you at his beck and call, as you're kind of used to being there—an unhealthy habit that didn't work inside the relationship and, now that the relationship is over, is really worth focusing on breaking.

    You've got this. The moment you close this door is the moment a new door will open. Might take a minute or two to see what's on the other side, but I assure you it's better than where you've been.

  3. #83
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So he disregards your feelings but you believe you have to keep yourself available to him so as to not possibly hurt his feelings.

    Does that even make sense?

    Do you want him back?

  4. #84
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So he disregards your feelings but you believe you have to keep yourself available to him so as to not possibly hurt his feelings.

    Does that even make sense?

    Do you want him back?
    No it would never work between us I would always be on edge hoping he wouldn't spring something on me like this again in years to come and I cant live a life with someone that is unsure of me after 6 years together

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  6. #85
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Something to maybe explore in therapy:

    He was never your responsibility—that's not what romance means but a destroyer of romance. We don't exist to serve the feelings of others, but to find people with whom we can feel like ourselves, cherished for who we are, and vise versa. This mode of thinking—he's hurting, don't want anything to happen—is a cornerstone of co-dependence, also known as black hole in which we lose sight of the precious thing that is us.

    He is just fine, no different than you. If not getting a text back from you would be so cataclysmic to him that something would happen—well, that would have nothing to do with you at all but would be a symptom of some very serious mental health issues that he does not suffer from. He's just used to having you at his beck and call, as you're kind of used to being there—an unhealthy habit that didn't work inside the relationship and, now that the relationship is over, is really worth focusing on breaking.

    You've got this. The moment you close this door is the moment a new door will open. Might take a minute or two to see what's on the other side, but I assure you it's better than where you've been.
    Yes I think your right it's as if I was his comfort blanket and he doesnt have that anymore and only reaches out when he feels like it. And I think I have done so well getting to where I am now from a couple of months ago, but I think you were right in your previous posts that I'm not strong enough for contact just now it's still very raw.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Yes I think your right it's as if I was his comfort blanket and he doesnt have that anymore and only reaches out when he feels like it. And I think I have done so well getting to where I am now from a couple of months ago, but I think you were right in your previous posts that I'm not strong enough for contact just now it's still very raw.
    Being in contact—or being able to handle contact—isn't about strength. Respecting yourself and your health? That is, and that's what this time is all about, not building the strength to be able to have contact but to inhabit yourself, fully, tending to some spots that were neglected inside this relationship. The irony is that as that happens you'll find two things: you won't be so thrown by the idea of some light contact, but nor will you really have much interest in it. You'll have outgrown your weaknesses and, with them, your interest in him.

  8. #87
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    No it would never work between us I would always be on edge hoping he wouldn't spring something on me like this again in years to come and I cant live a life with someone that is unsure of me after 6 years together
    So why do you feel obligated to "help" him?

    What has he done since the breakup to "help" you?

  9. #88
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    I havent posted on here in quite a while, I have been doing really well and trying to get on with life and the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things then he said he could be wrong and it doesn't seem like the real me and that it doesnt help me, ? He was the one that broke my heart and I'm trying my hardest to get on with life but it has really got to me him saying that, why do you think he has said this?

  10. #89
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Being in contact—or being able to handle contact—isn't about strength. Respecting yourself and your health? That is, and that's what this time is all about, not building the strength to be able to have contact but to inhabit yourself, fully, tending to some spots that were neglected inside this relationship. The irony is that as that happens you'll find two things: you won't be so thrown by the idea of some light contact, but nor will you really have much interest in it. You'll have outgrown your weaknesses and, with them, your interest in him.
    havent posted on here in quite a while, I have been doing really well and trying to get on with life and the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things then he said he could be wrong and it doesn't seem like the real me and that it doesnt help me, ? He was the one that broke my heart and I'm trying my hardest to get on with life but it has really got to me him saying that, why do you think he has said this?

  11. #90
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How did you bump into him? Do you attend the same school or work at a the same place? Whats does he mean "he noticed"? Hopefully you have blocked and deleted him and all his people from all your social media. It sounds like chitchat small talk.
    Originally Posted by LSL
    the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things

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