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Ex contacted me


LSL

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I had posted on this a few months ago when my ex of 6 years split up with me out of the blue, I was completely devastated and have been going to counselling, but I received a text from him the other day after a month or no speaking and he was asking how I was saying how hes not in a good place because we have broken up and feels terrible how he has treated me and still loves me etc, I really dont understand it because he made it pretty clear he didnt want to try and that something was missing for him. So I'm not sure why he has messaged all of this. I have been doing so well the past few months and just trying to get on with things, but what are your thoughts?

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He feels lonely and is second guessing his decision to leave. His text is testing the waters to see how you would react.

 

Smarter, more intuitive people than I will ask you to consider what has really changed if you are thinking about getting back together. What did you say in your reply?

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Sorry about the confusion.

 

My generous view, taking your past threads into account, is that your ex is very "young" emotionally. What I mean is that what he's expressing is what nearly everyone feels after breaking up: lost, confused, regretful, uncertain. It's not particularly special, in short, and it's generally not very kind to share these feelings with the person you've ended things with unless you want to get back together.

 

Did you respond?

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I said to him I'm doing fine and he said he doesnt know if hes ok and said he is feeling this way because we have broken up. I said to him it was your decision to end things and he said I know but I still care about you. He said to me I understand if you cant or dont want to speak to me anymore, I said well I just didnt expect you to message and he said well since you havent answered the question I presume you dont want me to speak to you right now I was like , blue castle you gave me great advice and I have been trying to look after myself and get myself better because the past two months have been the worst of my life but I domt get why he would just text out of the blue?

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Don't take him back yet again. He tried this before and he needs to treat his depression and get out of his parents house and improve his life. Do not start communicating with him. Get on with your life as you have been so you can meet stable mature men who are sure about you.

 

He will just yo-yo you around when his next round of "not ready" or "don't feel a spark" or "you're like a sister" and whatever excuses he has used to push you away comes around.

 

Stay strong and realize there is not future with this indecisive depressed mama's boy. Tell him he needs to see a doctor and therapist. Unless he's paying you $200/hr do not listen to his drivel.

I received a text from him the other day after a month or no speaking and he was asking how I was saying how hes not in a good place because we have broken up and feels terrible how he has treated me and still loves me etc,
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I domt get why he would just text out of the blue?

 

Because dumpers grieve too. Two of my most painful relationship endings were by my choice. But it would have been very selfish of me to reach out to them in order to ease my pain.

 

If you make that decision, you have to be respectful and stand behind it.

 

He had a moment of weakness and reached out. His trying to flip you on the mat and make you feel responsible for not communicating is typical too. Now he can unload some the blame for the relationship ending. Again, selfish dumping on his part.

 

I'd be firm. All or nothing? Which is it?, because my time and my emotional well being is valuable. I won't permit you to open this door unless you have the full intention of walking through it. Anything else is just noise.

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Don't take him back yet again. He tried this before and he needs to treat his depression and get out of his parents house and improve his life. Do not start communicating with him. Get on with your life as you have been so you can meet stable mature men who are sure about you.

 

He will just yo-yo you around when his next round of "not ready" or "don't feel a spark" or "you're like a sister" and whatever excuses he has used to push you away comes around.

 

Stay strong and realize there is not future with this indecisive depressed mama's boy. Tell him he needs to see a doctor and therapist. Unless he's paying you $200/hr do not listen to his drivel.

 

Thank you Wiseman I have been doing so well too, I am back at the gym 2 stone down in weight and feeling stronger but I feel this has set me back a bit, he said he was only messaging to see how I was then started saying all that stuff, I said to him I wasnt sure if you were messaging to say you had met someone else and he said no he hasnt been speaking, seeing anyone else. Then he said to me I would understand if you had been though, I said to him why would you think that and he said I dunno I just thought you maybe had.

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Because dumpers grieve too. Two of my most painful relationship endings were by my choice. But it would have been very selfish of me to reach out to them in order to ease my pain.

 

If you make that decision, you have to be respectful and stand behind it.

 

He had a moment of weakness and reached out. His trying to flip you on the mat and make you feel responsible for not communicating is typical too. Now he can unload some the blame for the relationship ending. Again, selfish dumping on his part.

 

I'd be firm. All or nothing? Which is it?, because my time and my emotional well being is valuable. I won't permit you to open this door unless you have the full intention of walking through it. Anything else is just noise.

 

We havent spoke since then and I'm not reaching out to him its not fair on me to do that to me. I think he was probs expecting j would be begging him to get back together and I havent done that at all.

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You do have control over this. You know that, don't you? So, what will you do the next time he calls?

If he does message I will ask him outright exactly what it is that he wants? Because he cant just pop in and out of contact when he wants. I dont know if he was just trying to suss out what I've been up to because after he said all that he started being quite dry with me

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Sorry about the confusion.

 

 

My generous view, taking your past threads into account, is that your ex is very "young" emotionally. What I mean is that what he's expressing is what nearly everyone feels after breaking up: lost, confused, regretful, uncertain. It's not particularly special, in short, and it's generally not very kind to share these feelings with the person you've ended things with unless you want to get back together.

 

Did you respond?

 

I said to him I'm doing fine and he said he doesnt know if hes ok and said he is feeling this way because we have broken up. I said to him it was your decision to end things and he said I know but I still care about you. He said to me I understand if you cant or dont want to speak to me anymore, I said well I just didnt expect you to message and he said well since you havent answered the question I presume you dont want me to speak to you right now I was like , blue castle you gave me great advice and I have been trying to look after myself and get myself better because the past two months have been the worst of my life but I domt get why he would just text out of the blue

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He feels lonely and is second guessing his decision to leave. His text is testing the waters to see how you would react.

 

Smarter, more intuitive people than I will ask you to consider what has really changed if you are thinking about getting back together. What did you say in your reply?

 

I said to him I'm doing fine and he said he doesnt know if hes ok and said he is feeling this way because we have broken up. I said to him it was your decision to end things and he said I know but I still care about you. He said to me I understand if you cant or dont want to speak to me anymore, I said well I just didnt expect you to message and he said well since you havent answered the question I presume you dont want me to speak to you right now I was like , blue castle you gave me great advice and I have been trying to look after myself and get myself better because the past two months have been the worst of my life but I domt get why he would just text out of the blue?

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I'd dissect it less. Let the 'why' go. He just is and he was concerned about you or wanted to touch base. If you go on wondering about every reason for the way people behave, I think you would drive yourself up the wall - especially concerning this individual (your ex).

 

Let go of that type of control - needing to know 'why'.

 

Break ups can be hard on both people. If you've never had an amicable or loving bond after a break up or have been able to communicate with an ex through the process, I can see why you might not understand what he's going through. I learned a lot listening to the other side and absorbing what was being said instead of arguing the who, what, why because it was hurting me personally. You can do that too and learn to compartmentalize your pain and listen to him as an individual or see his actions for what they are. He's going through his own turmoil.

 

You're not obligated to hear that at all either. You should be the gauge of what's appropriate to you at any given moment. I have found that the most human and natural transitions are in trying (despite your own pain) to see the other side. For me, it's jump-started processes like acceptance, forgiveness, love and care for that person despite the relationship ending and making peace that it's no longer an active relationship or an existing relationship but that love and care for someone continues on until it fades naturally on its own.

 

I'd focus less on why he texted you, more on acceptance of the end.

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Fantastic. It seems you bring out the best in yourself while he brought out the worst...food for thought.

 

Aww thank you Wiseman, I found Christmas day difficult but that is to be expected. But what do you honestly think about him getting in touch? Because before he text I seen him last week in the canteen in work and I just said hi and kept walking I didnt stop to talk

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I'd dissect it less. Let the 'why' go. He just is and he was concerned about you or wanted to touch base. If you go on wondering about every reason for the way people behave, I think you would drive yourself up the wall - especially concerning this individual (your ex).

 

Let go of that type of control - needing to know 'why'.

 

Break ups can be hard on both people. If you've never had an amicable or loving bond after a break up or have been able to communicate with an ex through the process, I can see why you might not understand what he's going through. I learned a lot listening to the other side and absorbing what was being said instead of arguing the who, what, why because it was hurting me personally. You can do that too and learn to compartmentalize your pain and listen to him as an individual or see his actions for what they are. He's going through his own turmoil.

 

You're not obligated to hear that at all either. You should be the gauge of what's appropriate to you at any given moment. I have found that the most human and natural transitions are in trying (despite your own pain) to see the other side. For me, it's jump-started processes like acceptance, forgiveness, love and care for that person despite the relationship ending and making peace that it's no longer an active relationship or an existing relationship but that love and care for someone continues on until it fades naturally on its own.

 

I'd focus less on why he texted you, more on acceptance of the end.

 

Yeah I see where you are coming from, I just did not expect it that's all, as I have been getting on in life and I dont think he expected me to just try get on with life, I think he did think I would beg him to go back with me and I havent, and he was also asking his friends if they knew how I was, but I dont think it's very fair to say to me hes struggling and that he needs to get help because we have broken up because now I'll be worrying about him

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Aww thank you Wiseman, I found Christmas day difficult but that is to be expected. But what do you honestly think about him getting in touch? Because before he text I seen him last week in the canteen in work and I just said hi and kept walking I didnt stop to talk

Same as what has been said several times previously. He had a weak moment and selfishly wanted you to make it better.

 

If you still aren't sure, then it's time you ask him directly what his reaching out means and put an end to him picking at a scab that is trying to heal.

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Same as what has been said several times previously. He had a weak moment and selfishly wanted you to make it better.

 

If you still aren't sure, then it's time you ask him directly what his reaching out means and put an end to him picking at a scab that is trying to heal.

 

Yeah because he then started becoming dry towards me and I was thinking hes just messaging to find out what I've been up to, because alot have people have said I'm looking really well with my weight loss etc, but I feel if I text him he might then start to think why is she messaging me when he ended it with me if that makes sense?

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Yeah because he then started becoming dry towards me and I was thinking hes just messaging to find out what I've been up to, because alot have people have said I'm looking really well with my weight loss etc, but I feel if I text him he might then start to think why is she messaging me when he ended it with me if that makes sense?

 

yes, it makes sense.

stop responding to him.

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We all learn all the time, and treat this as that - learning to do better next time.

 

No point tearing your hair out about it. You'll be fine.

I know just dont want him thinking he can jump in and out of contact when he can if that makes sense?

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I'm not sure why I am feeling down today but thought I would post on here. I have been doing so well and kept myself busy over Christmas and new year and today I seem to be feeling upset over our relationship ending. I think because my ex text me a couple of weeks ago saying he is down etc because of us breaking up and what he has done to me, I cant stop thinking about it, I feel bad I cant help him but should I really be feeling this way? Because I said to him it is far too hard for me to be his friend but if he really did need me to let me know and since then he has been very dry so I'm thinking is there any point messaging him to see how he is? As he is the one who decided to split with me.

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