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Thread: Ex contacted me

  1. #111
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    That sounds like a blast! I'm somewhat notorious, among my friends, for going "hard" during breakups—a bit of an extension of how I live, but I've flown around the world, jumped out of planes, and so on. Some of those things have really stuck as genuine pursuits, long after the heartache abated (which it does, it really does).

    Don't worry about friendship and all that right now. When people try to do that right after a breakup, most of the time it's a way of softening the pain by replacing it with something pretty murky. Just focus on yourself, on what you need. All the chips will fall into place, including a relationship with him that is peaceful, even if that means no relationship at all.

  2. #112
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    That sounds like a blast! I'm somewhat notorious, among my friends, for going "hard" during breakups—a bit of an extension of how I live, but I've flown around the world, jumped out of planes, and so on. Some of those things have really stuck as genuine pursuits, long after the heartache abated (which it does, it really does).

    Don't worry about friendship and all that right now. When people try to do that right after a breakup, most of the time it's a way of softening the pain by replacing it with something pretty murky. Just focus on yourself, on what you need. All the chips will fall into place, including a relationship with him that is peaceful, even if that means no relationship at all.
    Yeah I just want to try remain positive, I think the day when he meets someone else it will hurt and that's what my fear is and I dont know why because the break up wasnt a mutual decision

  3. #113
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is fear, generally speaking, a pretty dominant emotion for you? I ask because it comes up a lot: a kind of preemptive fear about an event that might happen.

    If so, might be something to talk about in therapy, and learn to approach from a different angle. Can only speak for myself, but I find fear one of those feelings that’s best observed without it being much of a driver, since it kind of pushes you down instead of propping you up, if that makes any sense.

  4. #114
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Is fear, generally speaking, a pretty dominant emotion for you? I ask because it comes up a lot: a kind of preemptive fear about an event that might happen.

    If so, might be something to talk about in therapy, and learn to approach from a different angle. Can only speak for myself, but I find fear one of those feelings that’s best observed without it being much of a driver, since it kind of pushes you down instead of propping you up, if that makes any sense.
    Yeah I think it is the fear of not finding happiness again with someone or not being good enough as I wasnt good enough for someone I was with for 6 years

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  6. #115
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get that. Think thoughts along those lines—especially the fear of not meeting another person—are inevitable. But whimsical as I am by nature, I’m also a realist, and one thing the world proves, over and over, is that people meet lots of people, and most of us have more than one epic relationship in our lifetimes. Which is to say the odds are very much in favor of you meeting someone great down the line. Greater, in fact, since what you’re doing right now is getting in touch with the greatness inside of you that you want to share with the world.

    Hopefully this “good enough” business will take on a different hue in your mind at some point. From everything you’ve written, and from the sides of you that have been coming out just in this forum since your breakup, my genuine impression is that you were with someone for 6 years who was not good enough for you. How it ended, who ended it—those are really just semantics after a certain point.

    All that said, the more you use this time to cultivate a rich relationship with yourself the less pressing these questions will be. And the less pressing they are, the more space there is to be surprised by people.

  7. #116
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I get that. Think thoughts along those lines—especially the fear of not meeting another person—are inevitable. But whimsical as I am by nature, I’m also a realist, and one thing the world proves, over and over, is that people meet lots of people, and most of us have more than one epic relationship in our lifetimes. Which is to say the odds are very much in favor of you meeting someone great down the line. Greater, in fact, since what you’re doing right now is getting in touch with the greatness inside of you that you want to share with the world.

    Hopefully this “good enough” business will take on a different hue in your mind at some point. From everything you’ve written, and from the sides of you that have been coming out just in this forum since your breakup, my genuine impression is that you were with someone for 6 years who was not good enough for you. How it ended, who ended it—those are really just semantics after a certain point.

    All that said, the more you use this time to cultivate a rich relationship with yourself the less pressing these questions will be. And the less pressing they are, the more space there is to be surprised by people.
    Aw thank you that means alot, a few people have said that to me that he was not good enough for me and hopefully one day they said I realise that

    I think it is also the fear of turning 30 and not being married by now having kids etc

  8. #117
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    As someone who just turned 40, I'll tell you the great secret about what happens after you turn 30: you just keep living and, from what I've seen in my own life and the lives of others, it just keeps getting better. I personally mark the years of 27-29 as the worst of my adult life—a pinch I can laugh at now, but a veritable shark bite at the time. Just saying that so it doesn't sound like I'm minimizing what you're going through. Hang in there.

    Anyhow, if you were married right now, with a kid? Well, by most modern standards you would be considered young. And besides? You are just you, not a statistics, and biologically speaking there is plenty of time for all that. No bell rings at 30, no judge materializes from the clouds to issue a verdict on whether you are a "real" grownup or not.

    So maybe try to not indulge too much in that line of thinking, and listen to your friends who are saying he couldn't hold a flame to the full you. I suspect they are not just trying to make you feel better, but being dead honest with you. You are lonelier now, and sometimes hurting, but your flame is burning brighter and just getting bigger.

  9. #118
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    As someone who just turned 40, I'll tell you the great secret about what happens after you turn 30: you just keep living and, from what I've seen in my own life and the lives of others, it just keeps getting better. I personally mark the years of 27-29 as the worst of my adult life—a pinch I can laugh at now, but a veritable shark bite at the time. Just saying that so it doesn't sound like I'm minimizing what you're going through. Hang in there.

    Anyhow, if you were married right now, with a kid? Well, by most modern standards you would be considered young. And besides? You are just you, not a statistics, and biologically speaking there is plenty of time for all that. No bell rings at 30, no judge materializes from the clouds to issue a verdict on whether you are a "real" grownup or not.

    So maybe try to not indulge too much in that line of thinking, and listen to your friends who are saying he couldn't hold a flame to the full you. I suspect they are not just trying to make you feel better, but being dead honest with you. You are lonelier now, and sometimes hurting, but your flame is burning brighter and just getting bigger.
    Yeah you are right I am just annoyed at myself for feeling like this this week just dont know why I have been feeling upset. I do feel lonely sometimes I think it is because I have always had someone there to share things with etc if that makes sense?

  10. #119
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Of course it makes sense. Loneliness is part of life, whether we're in a relationship or not, and whenever we lose a support beam—even an unhealthy one—it throws us into a void, making us even lonelier. It's like the lights suddenly going off in a room. Takes time for the eyes to adjust.

    No need to by annoyed with yourself, in short. This is not a Tough Mudder. No one is timing you, judging your breakup form as if you're a gymnast. If your leg was broken, would you be annoyed at yourself for not being able to run a marathon? I don't think so. A broken heart is its own ailment, and it takes time to heal. You are better today, much better, than you were a month ago, to say nothing of many months ago. Logic says that means you will be better tomorrow, in a month.

    Try to see it that way, even when it feels another way. Feelings are real things, for sure, but they are never, ever permanent things. What you're feeling now are sharper versions of what people feel inside relationships, you know? And feelings are also not currency, which is to say that no feeling has a greater value than another: love, loneliness, numbness, joy, despair, guilt, acceptance—zoom out and they are all kind of one thing that occasionally changes colors, rather than different things. They all deserve equal respect.

    The very best part of a moment like the one you're in, to put it in weird terms, is that, if you allow it, it can teach you to appreciate the full spectrum of feeling that you, a human, are capable of experiencing. There is very real strength to be found in feeling them all, not running only toward the "good" ones and judging the "bad" ones. Learning that, learning to practice that—whoa! It's a serious game-changer, because it resets your inner compass a bit. In terms of relationships—romantic and platonic—it makes you less interested in people who help make the "bad" go away, by replacing it with "good," but instead in people who can appreciate your full spectrum as you've learned to appreciate it.

    Yeah, I know that may sound like some jagon-y mix of the academic and the woo-woo, but I wouldn't be sharing it if I didn't think it was true.

  11. #120
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Of course it makes sense. Loneliness is part of life, whether we're in a relationship or not, and whenever we lose a support beam—even an unhealthy one—it throws us into a void, making us even lonelier. It's like the lights suddenly going off in a room. Takes time for the eyes to adjust.

    No need to by annoyed with yourself, in short. This is not a Tough Mudder. No one is timing you, judging your breakup form as if you're a gymnast. If your leg was broken, would you be annoyed at yourself for not being able to run a marathon? I don't think so. A broken heart is its own ailment, and it takes time to heal. You are better today, much better, than you were a month ago, to say nothing of many months ago. Logic says that means you will be better tomorrow, in a month.

    Try to see it that way, even when it feels another way. Feelings are real things, for sure, but they are never, ever permanent things. What you're feeling now are sharper versions of what people feel inside relationships, you know? And feelings are also not currency, which is to say that no feeling has a greater value than another: love, loneliness, numbness, joy, despair, guilt, acceptance—zoom out and they are all kind of one thing that occasionally changes colors, rather than different things. They all deserve equal respect.

    The very best part of a moment like the one you're in, to put it in weird terms, is that, if you allow it, it can teach you to appreciate the full spectrum of feeling that you, a human, are capable of experiencing. There is very real strength to be found in feeling them all, not running only toward the "good" ones and judging the "bad" ones. Learning that, learning to practice that—whoa! It's a serious game-changer, because it resets your inner compass a bit. In terms of relationships—romantic and platonic—it makes you less interested in people who help make the "bad" go away, by replacing it with "good," but instead in people who can appreciate your full spectrum as you've learned to appreciate it.

    Yeah, I know that may sound like some jagon-y mix of the academic and the woo-woo, but I wouldn't be sharing it if I didn't think it was true.
    Yeah I think it is because I'm at that age now where most of my friends are all settled with partners and kids etc so they cant be there all the time to do things as they have their own lives and I would never expect them to be there every day, I think in that part I feel sad as I wish I had what they had but I know deep down the relationship wasnt right it was as if I was just trying to forget maybe that something inside me was telling me this isnt right?

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