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Thread: What should I do, if anything? I'm lost.

  1. #1
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    What should I do, if anything? I'm lost.

    Hello, so about four or so years ago I became friends with this girl I worked with. Her and I became close very quickly and started hanging out almost every day even after we both got different jobs and what not. I believe part of the reason we became so close was due to the fact that both of us have OCD/anxiety and depression and we always joke about it between ourselves as a way of coping and making light of our lives. It was only a matter of time before I started developing feelings for her. Her and I come from different backgrounds: I'm a short 5'4" white guy and she's 5'10" and mixed race and only older than me by 1 year. I eventually told her how I felt and that and why: she's extremely driven, personal trainer, former basketball player and now a part time coach. She said she thought about us but said we should remain friends because she thought she was back into girls again. I took this the wrong way and started drinking heavily (this was 3.5 years ago and I am currently sober for over a year this day) pushed her away. We eventually became friends again and started hanging out again and all was well until the feelings came back. Eventually she started seeing someone and I just stopped talking to her for a few months. Her and I started talking again and for whatever reasons her and I became best of friends again, hanging out all weekend, every weekend. We'd always eat out, get coffee, workout together, go to the gym and what not. She started telling me she wasn't sure if she was into men or women anymore and sue found both attractive. She said she wanted to someday have a baby but said she doubts anyone would ever want to be her. This hurt me because I was still crazy for her but didn't tell her for months. I eventually told her how I felt again and she said she just didn't get it and that she doesn't know why anyone would like her. This blew over and we were almost back to normal. In April 2019 she went to for BMT for The Air National Guard and we still talked when possible. She got back in October and we became close again, she couldn't wait to see me she said and we started hanging out again. I helped her move into her new apartment and we've had some deep conversations about life, death, how our OCD affects our lives and what not. She told me she needs me in her life and that I make her life better. This is all good and I'm grateful for her as a friend after all the we've been through and still hate myself for still having feelings for her. I have yet to tell her I still have feelings for her and don't think I should but I keep feeling like I should. I don't understand why I keep feeling like this for her but it hurts knowing she'll some day find that special significant other person and I'll not be that person I feel an urge to tell her I still have feelings for her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So in four years of knowing her, nothing has changed, as would be predicted, since past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You continue to tell her of your feelings and she continues to tell you no romance is happening. Of course she enjoys the friendship. Everyone loves a fan. But the friendship isn't working out for you.

    What are you doing to treat your depression? If nothing, I would seek treatment, for your own good and to enable you to be a good partner to someone, someday.

    Retaining the friendship will prevent you from the goal you seek--having a gf. A new woman will sense your feelings for the other lady run more deeply than a platonic friendship, (yes, women are very intuitive) and will head for the hills.

    What would I do? I'd tell her you can no longer be friends because it's placed a barrier on your heart and prevents you from seeking dating opportunities. She will resist ending it because all her needs are met in the friendship, but if she really cared about you, she would let you go and understand.

    When you're young like you are, extremely close male/female friendships are common. Most of the time, and especially when one feels romantic feelings, the friendship can't continue indefinitely. As you can predict, when one gets a serious partner, the friendship gets placed way back on the back burner or totally ends. It's an upsetting part of life, but reality none the less.

    Best to rip the bandaid off now instead of putting your life on hold for a dead end and getting more and more invested.

    If you don't have any guy friends or hobbies, I'd start expanding that part of your life so you always have a support system besides having a love interest. Take care.

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    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    Thanks for your reply. I am currently taking zoloft (200mg daily) for my depression and OCD/depression. I know for a fact that the situation with her is NOT the cause of my anxiety/depression but it definitely can interfere with mood. When she was gone for a few months I was still having my "episodes" as I call them when I feel completely empty and see no point in continuing my meaningless existence but these come and go. I have NO intentions to harm myself or others but just feel like my life is a waste. I DO have a few friends but for whatever reason I never feel like hanging out or even contacting them anymore. Maybe I'm just a loner or feel I'm a burden to others?

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    People who are depressed do often feel like isolating themselves. I know because my ex-husband isolated himself at the worst point of his depression. You should talk to your psychiatrist. Maybe the Zoloft isn't working for you well enough, or maybe you need talk therapy if you're not receiving that. A professional will hopefully get you feeling better than you do now. Good luck.

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rugger937
    I don't understand why I keep feeling like this for her but it hurts knowing she'll some day find that special significant other person and I'll not be that person I feel an urge to tell her I still have feelings for her.
    Unrequited love. I don't think anyone truly understands it, but it's a thing. Other people have been in your shoes. Lots of creative energy has been spent on the subject. You can move past it if you want. But it takes time.

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Unrequited love. I don't think anyone truly understands it, but it's a thing. Other people have been in your shoes. Lots of creative energy has been spent on the subject. You can move past it if you want. But it takes time.
    This, definitely this. If you were to spend time doing deep introspection, learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings, focused on exploring your internal world, you would probably eventually uncover the reason you don't want to let go of the fantasy of being with her. Many people never do that work and end up pining away over this kind of fantasy for a lifetime when if they would just let it go, so many doors and new possibilities would open up to them.

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    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Those of us who have been in similar circumstances can report that if you ever reach a point where you choose to let go, a powerful sense of freedom can accompany that decision. The liberty and opening up to life only grow as you act on that decision and navigate the feelings that come along with outgrowing former situations which used to serve us well...

    And guess what, if you want to carry on as you have been thatís absolutely a valid choice as well. No guilt and no shame in following your True heart, whatever it is telling you.

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    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your help. I suppose you're all right in the sense I should forget about her. I do know however that the chances of me finding another woman who would want to be with me are low. I'm a short, skinny.. (5'4" and barely 110lbs) with serious psychological issues. I work out about 4-5 days a week as this helps with my mood and clears my mind. I do live alone, have a fulltime job, a car but that's about it. I rarely have people over because people are messy (only my dad and this girl ever come over). I spend a lot of time cleaning my apartment because it has to be clean to my liking. I haven't cooked at home in over a year because it'll create a mess. Everyone calls me a "clean freak" but that's whatever. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who would just soil herself in her chair because she was so intoxicated she couldn't be bothered to get up and use the bathroom. Maybe this is why I'm obsessed with cleaning? I have two older sister's (37 and 30) whom I love but feel inadequate to because they're both college graduates (one is a nurse and the other is a social worker) and I couldn't even finish my associate's degree at a community college. I know I'm a disappointment to them and my father despite them telling me I'm not and that they love me no matter what. I feel I really love this girl but I think it would be best if I don't tell her my feelings and just start ignoring her altogether from now on. She claims I'm important to her and that I've saved her for spending Christmas Eve with her, and what not but I don't believe this. She says she needs me but she's always going out with other friends and appears to be having fun (I see her Instagram feed and she's drinking and what not despite telling me she hates drinking). I think it's best for both of us if I just disappear from her life altogether.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Youíre a well spoken and intelligent person. Iím sorry your self-esteem is low, because you seem like an altogether cool guy who is seemingly self supporting. Youíve got a family who loves you. You are handsome in your profile pic here. I hope you donít indulge too much in a victim mentality... We all throw an occasional pity party but you definitely donít have to ďlive there.Ē

    I do appreciate the fact that you live with OCD, but if you want to meet a woman there is nothing stopping you except for negative self talk, imo.

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    This girl hangs out with you in between her social life.
    You are not a priority to her.
    Why have you made her a priority?

    You need to drop her self centred self.
    She wonít really even notice.
    Sorry!!

    You need to start hanging out with people who donít have ocd to create normal perspective.
    Start planning things with family and actual real friends , rather than being a hermit and only coming out of your shell for a fake?

  12. 11-29-2019, 06:23 AM

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