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Thread: Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death

  1. #1
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    Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death

    I have a 2 part problem I desperately need help-
    Part 1-My boyfriend of 5 years ( 52 yrs old) decided to go back East for Christmas, even though we had made plans together, but didn't tell me until Christmas Eve after 6PM -when he was supposed to be over- that he had left, landed and was driving to his Mom's. I had made a big dinner of his favorites decorated, lots of presents the works so we would have a lovely Christmas together. He said that his Uncle ( Dad's brother, he later told me he hardly knew) died and he had to leave fast and thought about calling me but didn't because he had so many things to do before he left and was scrambling. He knew about this on Sunday night and left on Tuesday. I have been livid and distraught. I understand an emergency, but he knew we had plans and I am alone, and feel he should have let me know as soon as he knew he was leaving so I wouldn't expect him. This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. I was shocked and upset. He said he didn't think about telling me when his plans fell through, which was unacceptable. We had it out and he said he would be more mindful. Nope. When I freaked out this time he didn't seem to think it was warranted , because it was an "emergency" but it isn't about that, it is about letting me know what is going on that affects me, being considerate. I totally had a meltdown and let him know how devastated I was. I have had several deaths in the past couple years so he knows how important the holidays are to me. I think he purposely waited until he was already out of state to let me know
    Part 2- I looked up the Uncle's obituary and he had passed on the 15th and the service is on the 28th. Not an emergency. In the obit it says he was "preceded in death by his brother", which is my boyfriend's father, who I believed was still alive. I found his obit and he had died over a year ago. My BF had been paying for his care and I had been helping him source care etc. We regularly talk about his Dad's situation, in fact I had just asked how he was and he told me " no change, he is the same" My BF is not in denial his Dad is dead. He is lying. I checked the dates of his passing and I was with him the day after and said nothing or acted differently. How could he not tell me???? Yesterday, we talked on Christmas I don't want to bring this up on the phone, I want to do it face to face. He started telling me he was going to visit his Dad and I played dumb and asked him a couple questions about how he was doing etc and he just made up this story smooth as glass. Again he isn't in denial, he is hiding something, like maybe he didn't want me to go to the funeral, I don't know if his family knows about me and he has a complicated past with an Ex.(another story) and he might have taken her.
    I need to take care of this. I am a mess, heartbroken and feel foolish. I am shocked at how easy the lies are for him. He has always been "private" and I give him his space, but now I think private is secretive and there is a lot more going on than I know. I really do love this man and breaking up with someone isn't so easy as people tell you. I am going to confront him when he gets back, he doesn't know when that is but I am sure he will make sure it is after New Years eve. I am falling apart, sorry this is so long. Please any insight.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would ditch his lying butt. He wants to do what he wants when he wants so let him.

    I am sorry. :(

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are dating 5 years and his family don't know about you? Doesn't that seem very odd to you? How well do you know him? Does he have a wife/gf somewhere else?

    It sounds like you know very little about him and he has problems with lying and integrity. That and he simply has no respect for you. He sounds quite selfish and shady and you need to stop playing detective time and time again and simply end things with this snake.
    Originally Posted by blugurrl
    My boyfriend of 5 years ( 52 yrs old) decided to go back East for Christmas, even though we had made plans together, but didn't tell me until Christmas Eve after 6PM -when he was supposed to be over- that he had left, landed and was driving to his Mom's.

    This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. I was shocked and upset.

    he is hiding something I don't know if his family knows about me and he has a complicated past with an Ex.(

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    It's hard not to read this and see these two issues as symptoms of a bigger one: namely, a relationship that is quite fraught with a man who keeps you very, very far from his core. What stood out to me is that you're not sure his family knows about you, which is curious after 5 years together, especially given the "complicated" relationship with his ex. The impression I get is that you aren't quite part of his life so much as someone at the edge of his life.

    In your shoes? I'd spend less energy right now figuring out how to "confront" him than in confronting the question of whether this man offers you remotely enough of what you need in a romantic partner. You can't change him, after all, and nor can you change that, for whatever reasons, he does not want to tell you about major events in his life, as they happen and as they actually happen. This is something he has made crystal clear over the past year, if not longer.

    What you can answer is the question of whether you want to remain with him, or in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to share things with you and who seems immune to communicating in any direct manner. So I'd think about that, get an answer, and then go from there when you see him next.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by blugurrl
    I am going to confront him when he gets back, he doesn't know when that is but I am sure he will make sure it is after New Years eve. I am falling apart, sorry this is so long. Please any insight.
    Confront him, why exactly? This is who he is. It's not worth debating or a confrontation for that matter, because it does not change who he is.

    You do however have choices here. You can choose to hash it out with someone who lies to you and does not consider you a priority. It still won't change things. Besides, could you believe anything he'd tell you anyway?

    And you can choose to carry on as you have, endure repeated disappointments and go on believing you don't deserve any better.

    Why does he do these things? Because he can and even though you'll put up a fuss, you'll still stay with him.

    Or you can decide you are better than all of this nonsense and tell him not to contact you anymore.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry this happened, blugrrl.

    Agree with the others, break up with him.

    If you confront him, let him know you're aware of his lies and deceit and then cut him loose. But don't confront him only to give him an opportunity to feed you more lies & excuses. He isn't going to tell you anything that will justify his actions. Either confront and cut ties, or just cut ties.

    You've been with this person for 5 years, so I can understand you wanting to explain to him what you discovered before ending the relationship. But if you take this approach, you have to do so with the understanding that (as the others above have mentioned) you bringing his lies and deceit to the forefront will not change him. You would only be confronting him for your own benefit because you want him know how his actions have affected you, which I completely understand.

    Some people are completely fine just cutting ties under the circumstances and walking away without feeling the need to confront and explain why they're ending the relationship (and this is completely fine, obviously. I wish I could say that I was more this way. Maybe I'll find myself in a situation one day where I will feel this way). However, I can't blame you for wanting to get this information off your chest. Call it confronting, or just call it self-therapy, I don't know.

    All I can say is, I hope you end this relationship and then block and delete. Staying in this relationship is definitely not an option.

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    I am sorry you are hurting. This must be so disappointing.
    Are you two from different cultures? Looks to me like he is a very traditional man who does not think he needs to share certain things with a woman.
    If that is the case, it's highly unlikely he will change.
    Also, something tells me he may be married or involved with someone else, hence the secrecy.
    I hope I am wrong.
    Either way, you will save yourself a let of heartache if you will walk away ....it's so difficult , I know but for your own sanity, it's good to consider this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He did it then. He did it this year. He'll likely do it again next year. Why would you think this behavior would stop when you already reacted whatever way you did at that time and he didn't care?

    A woman in a relationship with a guy usually wants and expects to spend the holidays with him. Perhaps his ex, or some other woman, is the one he spends holidays with, and you're the secret. A hint that you're a secret is when you're not introduced to his family or friends. He doesn't want them asking about you in case they see him around with another woman, or they are regularly in the company of his other woman, if that's the case.

    I'm just guessing that's the case, because from what you say, he lacks boundaries since you speak of his involvement with an ex, whatever that means. Even if that wasn't the case, he doesn't seem like he's enmeshing you in his life as he should, and you're flat out settling and not walking away when he behaves in a manner that should be dealbreakers to any person with self worth.

    I know after I'd dated my future husband for a few years, I brought him across the country to meet my parents, as I wanted them to see that I was in good hands and happy. (They've now moved to my area) It's strange that your bf didn't want his father to meet you before his death to ensure his father that he'd met a wonderful lady and his life was on track. It's not normal and so you have to question why he's not behaving normally. Although, at this point, with everything that's taken place to date, you'll likely never know, and it's best to leave it a mystery and walk away.

  10. #9
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    It IS hard to break it off with someone, and after 5 years, it's a big part of your life. I do sympathize.
    I have to agree with other's who've said " he's already acted in ways that no self-respecting woman would put up with".
    Maybe it's time to give that notion a good long look.
    Do you have close friends? What if one of them came to you with this story? You would want to see that guy hang by his toenails!

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    Wow. my ex's father had the same name as someone else who died the same week, different middle initial. Could you have seen the wrong obit, or know its the uncle because it says survived by nephew, your boyfriend's name?

    i would really wonder if he had a wife and kids or girlfriend elsewhere if he disappears like that, or is doing shady things.

    Honestly, i would give yourself the best Christmas gift. Change the locks on your place if he has a key, and dump him. I am not sure how to do it - whether to meet him for a meal in a restaurant and tell him there while having a friend nearby waiting for you if you need someone to rescue you from the meeting, or what.

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