Jump to content

Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death


blugurrl

Recommended Posts

I have a 2 part problem I desperately need help-

Part 1-My boyfriend of 5 years ( 52 yrs old) decided to go back East for Christmas, even though we had made plans together, but didn't tell me until Christmas Eve after 6PM -when he was supposed to be over- that he had left, landed and was driving to his Mom's. I had made a big dinner of his favorites decorated, lots of presents the works so we would have a lovely Christmas together. He said that his Uncle ( Dad's brother, he later told me he hardly knew) died and he had to leave fast and thought about calling me but didn't because he had so many things to do before he left and was scrambling. He knew about this on Sunday night and left on Tuesday. I have been livid and distraught. I understand an emergency, but he knew we had plans and I am alone, and feel he should have let me know as soon as he knew he was leaving so I wouldn't expect him. This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. I was shocked and upset. He said he didn't think about telling me when his plans fell through, which was unacceptable. We had it out and he said he would be more mindful. Nope. When I freaked out this time he didn't seem to think it was warranted , because it was an "emergency" but it isn't about that, it is about letting me know what is going on that affects me, being considerate. I totally had a meltdown and let him know how devastated I was. I have had several deaths in the past couple years so he knows how important the holidays are to me. I think he purposely waited until he was already out of state to let me know

Part 2- I looked up the Uncle's obituary and he had passed on the 15th and the service is on the 28th. Not an emergency. In the obit it says he was "preceded in death by his brother", which is my boyfriend's father, who I believed was still alive. I found his obit and he had died over a year ago. My BF had been paying for his care and I had been helping him source care etc. We regularly talk about his Dad's situation, in fact I had just asked how he was and he told me " no change, he is the same" My BF is not in denial his Dad is dead. He is lying. I checked the dates of his passing and I was with him the day after and said nothing or acted differently. How could he not tell me???? Yesterday, we talked on Christmas I don't want to bring this up on the phone, I want to do it face to face. He started telling me he was going to visit his Dad and I played dumb and asked him a couple questions about how he was doing etc and he just made up this story smooth as glass. Again he isn't in denial, he is hiding something, like maybe he didn't want me to go to the funeral, I don't know if his family knows about me and he has a complicated past with an Ex.(another story) and he might have taken her.

I need to take care of this. I am a mess, heartbroken and feel foolish. I am shocked at how easy the lies are for him. He has always been "private" and I give him his space, but now I think private is secretive and there is a lot more going on than I know. I really do love this man and breaking up with someone isn't so easy as people tell you. I am going to confront him when he gets back, he doesn't know when that is but I am sure he will make sure it is after New Years eve. I am falling apart, sorry this is so long. Please any insight.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. You are dating 5 years and his family don't know about you? Doesn't that seem very odd to you? How well do you know him? Does he have a wife/gf somewhere else?

 

It sounds like you know very little about him and he has problems with lying and integrity. That and he simply has no respect for you. He sounds quite selfish and shady and you need to stop playing detective time and time again and simply end things with this snake.

My boyfriend of 5 years ( 52 yrs old) decided to go back East for Christmas, even though we had made plans together, but didn't tell me until Christmas Eve after 6PM -when he was supposed to be over- that he had left, landed and was driving to his Mom's.

 

This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. I was shocked and upset.

 

he is hiding something I don't know if his family knows about me and he has a complicated past with an Ex.(

Link to comment

Sorry about all this.

 

It's hard not to read this and see these two issues as symptoms of a bigger one: namely, a relationship that is quite fraught with a man who keeps you very, very far from his core. What stood out to me is that you're not sure his family knows about you, which is curious after 5 years together, especially given the "complicated" relationship with his ex. The impression I get is that you aren't quite part of his life so much as someone at the edge of his life.

 

In your shoes? I'd spend less energy right now figuring out how to "confront" him than in confronting the question of whether this man offers you remotely enough of what you need in a romantic partner. You can't change him, after all, and nor can you change that, for whatever reasons, he does not want to tell you about major events in his life, as they happen and as they actually happen. This is something he has made crystal clear over the past year, if not longer.

 

What you can answer is the question of whether you want to remain with him, or in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to share things with you and who seems immune to communicating in any direct manner. So I'd think about that, get an answer, and then go from there when you see him next.

Link to comment

I am going to confront him when he gets back, he doesn't know when that is but I am sure he will make sure it is after New Years eve. I am falling apart, sorry this is so long. Please any insight.

 

Confront him, why exactly? This is who he is. It's not worth debating or a confrontation for that matter, because it does not change who he is.

 

You do however have choices here. You can choose to hash it out with someone who lies to you and does not consider you a priority. It still won't change things. Besides, could you believe anything he'd tell you anyway?

 

And you can choose to carry on as you have, endure repeated disappointments and go on believing you don't deserve any better.

 

Why does he do these things? Because he can and even though you'll put up a fuss, you'll still stay with him.

 

Or you can decide you are better than all of this nonsense and tell him not to contact you anymore.

Link to comment

I'm so sorry this happened, blugrrl.

 

Agree with the others, break up with him.

 

If you confront him, let him know you're aware of his lies and deceit and then cut him loose. But don't confront him only to give him an opportunity to feed you more lies & excuses. He isn't going to tell you anything that will justify his actions. Either confront and cut ties, or just cut ties.

 

You've been with this person for 5 years, so I can understand you wanting to explain to him what you discovered before ending the relationship. But if you take this approach, you have to do so with the understanding that (as the others above have mentioned) you bringing his lies and deceit to the forefront will not change him. You would only be confronting him for your own benefit because you want him know how his actions have affected you, which I completely understand.

 

Some people are completely fine just cutting ties under the circumstances and walking away without feeling the need to confront and explain why they're ending the relationship (and this is completely fine, obviously. I wish I could say that I was more this way. Maybe I'll find myself in a situation one day where I will feel this way). However, I can't blame you for wanting to get this information off your chest. Call it confronting, or just call it self-therapy, I don't know.

 

All I can say is, I hope you end this relationship and then block and delete. Staying in this relationship is definitely not an option.

Link to comment

I am sorry you are hurting. This must be so disappointing.

Are you two from different cultures? Looks to me like he is a very traditional man who does not think he needs to share certain things with a woman.

If that is the case, it's highly unlikely he will change.

Also, something tells me he may be married or involved with someone else, hence the secrecy.

I hope I am wrong.

Either way, you will save yourself a let of heartache if you will walk away ....it's so difficult , I know but for your own sanity, it's good to consider this.

Link to comment

This is not the first time he has told me something "after the fact" and last year he said he was leaving town for the holidays but actually stayed and didn't tell me. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He did it then. He did it this year. He'll likely do it again next year. Why would you think this behavior would stop when you already reacted whatever way you did at that time and he didn't care?

 

A woman in a relationship with a guy usually wants and expects to spend the holidays with him. Perhaps his ex, or some other woman, is the one he spends holidays with, and you're the secret. A hint that you're a secret is when you're not introduced to his family or friends. He doesn't want them asking about you in case they see him around with another woman, or they are regularly in the company of his other woman, if that's the case.

 

I'm just guessing that's the case, because from what you say, he lacks boundaries since you speak of his involvement with an ex, whatever that means. Even if that wasn't the case, he doesn't seem like he's enmeshing you in his life as he should, and you're flat out settling and not walking away when he behaves in a manner that should be dealbreakers to any person with self worth.

 

I know after I'd dated my future husband for a few years, I brought him across the country to meet my parents, as I wanted them to see that I was in good hands and happy. (They've now moved to my area) It's strange that your bf didn't want his father to meet you before his death to ensure his father that he'd met a wonderful lady and his life was on track. It's not normal and so you have to question why he's not behaving normally. Although, at this point, with everything that's taken place to date, you'll likely never know, and it's best to leave it a mystery and walk away.

Link to comment

It IS hard to break it off with someone, and after 5 years, it's a big part of your life. I do sympathize.

I have to agree with other's who've said " he's already acted in ways that no self-respecting woman would put up with".

Maybe it's time to give that notion a good long look.

Do you have close friends? What if one of them came to you with this story? You would want to see that guy hang by his toenails!

Link to comment

Wow. my ex's father had the same name as someone else who died the same week, different middle initial. Could you have seen the wrong obit, or know its the uncle because it says survived by nephew, your boyfriend's name?

 

i would really wonder if he had a wife and kids or girlfriend elsewhere if he disappears like that, or is doing shady things.

 

Honestly, i would give yourself the best Christmas gift. Change the locks on your place if he has a key, and dump him. I am not sure how to do it - whether to meet him for a meal in a restaurant and tell him there while having a friend nearby waiting for you if you need someone to rescue you from the meeting, or what.

Link to comment

Dude has other women in his life I'm sorry to say... at least that is what it looks like from what you've shared. He clearly thinks it's much easier to just do crappy things and listen to you whine about it for a while and then continue on in the status quo because he's done it before and you're still in his life.

 

Frankly, you'd be very foolish to continue on with a man that clearly has another life that you don't know much about.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt and I'm sad for you that he has done this sort of thing to you before. Please love yourself enough to not spend another moment with him when he's shown you how much he doesn't care (or is too stupid to see) how he hurts you.

Link to comment

I feel like my insides are scrambled eggs being zapped by electrodes, with pangs of intense panic and sadness. I really do love this person, or have an attachment to my idea of him, I freak out when think of him not in my life. I never used to put up with this kind of behavior, but as I got older, had too many years being single/lonely, fewer men, middle age/aging, and my low self esteem, I compromised. When I first met him and thought he had Asperger's, he is an engineer and has that mindset, better with machines than people. But I see he is selfish, not just disconnected. We have this intense chemistry, I can't explain it, I wish I could turn it off. No matter how much I dislike him, it is still there. I even did energetic cord cutting to try and distance myself from him. I know some of it is unresolved Daddy issues- being neglected, emotional abuse, wanting to get blood from a stone, which surfaced with him. Intellectually I can see all of the reasons I stay and understand my behavior to an extent, also see that he is toxic and need to break away. But emotionally it is like having my limbs and my heart cut out, screaming in a black box. Totally irrational. I guess I just don't understand why, and I am fearful of being alone. He will move on from me like I never mattered and I will be in pain and feel I wasn't good enough to love. I know I need to choose my pain, staying in a relationship being treated like an afterthought or being single and lonely, both situations will have its measure of heartache. Wish I could erase him from my nervous system. It makes me so sad.

Link to comment

No money, he actually is pretty generous. I don't depend or take from him, but he takes me to nice places and pays. We go on short trips and he pays for me. He has given up work to take me to a festival and paid for it that was really expensive. That is the problem, if he was all bad it would be easy to leave. We get along really well and he tells me he loves me. That is why I don't understand his behavior and am shocked about the lies.

Link to comment

What you say is interesting, it may be that he has some kind of disorder that affects him this way, but I'm not qualified to say. The important thing is: everything else sounds like you don't like the way this is panning out. You don't like the way it feels to be treated this way.

Of course it is possible for you to stick with it, what are we really going to stop you? No, you have to know for yourself. I can say from my experience it feels a LOT better to put something behind you that doesn't feel right for you than to keep shoveling your truth under the rug and pretending- or making excuses for someone who you KNOW isn't treating you right.

Being single IS better than that, for one thing you are opening yourself up to the RIGHT thing for you, whereas staying with someone with so many obvious red flags is closing the door for it.

Remember Les Stroud, Survivor Man? He counts the "lemons" to make the choice to keep going or not.

Lemon one: over 5 years this guy has proven to be a really weirdly dishonest guy.

Lemon 2: you have never met family in all of this time.

Lemon 3: you aren't really getting out of it what you want and need.

What difference does it make if he takes you places, or gives you a little attention when you don't feel like you can trust him? It kinda negates the whole thing.

Trust is what it's all about.

Link to comment

I've never understood this whole "I'm afraid to be 'alone'" mindset.

 

What awful things do you think will happen to you if you are single? And how is this man protecting you from those awful things?

 

I'm single and nothing catastrophic has happened to me just because I don't have a boyfriend.

Link to comment
I've never understood this whole "I'm afraid to be 'alone'" mindset.

 

What awful things do you think will happen to you if you are single? And how is this man protecting you from those awful things?

 

I'm single and nothing catastrophic has happened to me just because I don't have a boyfriend.

 

Me either. I have a full and good life.

 

I would rather be single than be with someone who lies repeatedly, and has so little care, that they ghost me on the holidays. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

 

Blu, how would you advise a friend?

Link to comment
Sorry about all this.

 

It's hard not to read this and see these two issues as symptoms of a bigger one: namely, a relationship that is quite fraught with a man who keeps you very, very far from his core. What stood out to me is that you're not sure his family knows about you, which is curious after 5 years together, especially given the "complicated" relationship with his ex. The impression I get is that you aren't quite part of his life so much as someone at the edge of his life.

.

 

Might I add to that, when you lose a parent, you turn to your partner for comfort, and you take them to the funeral. His behavior is most odd for a 5 year relationship if it is a full boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Especially at age 52. Can you think of any reason he wants to keep you a secret from his family?

Link to comment

You are fearful of being alone, yet there you sit on Christmas eve Alone listening to a pack of lies just to add insult to injury. It would be best to stop making excuses about his shady deceitful behavior. You are the one who needs to develop some trust issues because this guy can not be trusted.. This guy is leading a double life. You know this because he's done it before. You know this because you're a secret from his family. Yet...you tolerate it for the 'insane chemistry. Listen you can demote him to fwb for that and stop relying on him for any emotional relationship particularly since he zero respect for your feelings, time, and thinks you are very stupid if he tells you ridiculous lies like this...

He is the same culture but he grew up in a small town and I think he had trauma when he was a kid.
Link to comment

You would be wise to work on your self-esteem, OP. Your lack thereof is keeping you with a man who doesn’t treat you like anyone important in his life.

 

I have to agree that it very much sounds like he is hiding something from you. You mentioned complications with an ex of his; what’s the story there?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...