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Thread: Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I've never understood this whole "I'm afraid to be 'alone'" mindset.

    What awful things do you think will happen to you if you are single? And how is this man protecting you from those awful things?

    I'm single and nothing catastrophic has happened to me just because I don't have a boyfriend.
    Me either. I have a full and good life.

    I would rather be single than be with someone who lies repeatedly, and has so little care, that they ghost me on the holidays. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

    Blu, how would you advise a friend?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this.

    It's hard not to read this and see these two issues as symptoms of a bigger one: namely, a relationship that is quite fraught with a man who keeps you very, very far from his core. What stood out to me is that you're not sure his family knows about you, which is curious after 5 years together, especially given the "complicated" relationship with his ex. The impression I get is that you aren't quite part of his life so much as someone at the edge of his life.
    .
    Might I add to that, when you lose a parent, you turn to your partner for comfort, and you take them to the funeral. His behavior is most odd for a 5 year relationship if it is a full boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Especially at age 52. Can you think of any reason he wants to keep you a secret from his family?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are fearful of being alone, yet there you sit on Christmas eve Alone listening to a pack of lies just to add insult to injury. It would be best to stop making excuses about his shady deceitful behavior. You are the one who needs to develop some trust issues because this guy can not be trusted.. This guy is leading a double life. You know this because he's done it before. You know this because you're a secret from his family. Yet...you tolerate it for the 'insane chemistry. Listen you can demote him to fwb for that and stop relying on him for any emotional relationship particularly since he zero respect for your feelings, time, and thinks you are very stupid if he tells you ridiculous lies like this...
    Originally Posted by blugurrl
    He is the same culture but he grew up in a small town and I think he had trauma when he was a kid.

  4. #24
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    You would be wise to work on your self-esteem, OP. Your lack thereof is keeping you with a man who doesn’t treat you like anyone important in his life.

    I have to agree that it very much sounds like he is hiding something from you. You mentioned complications with an ex of his; what’s the story there?

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  6. #25
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    OP, where are you?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you divorced or widowed? Did you just give up and let yourself go since then? No need to make excuses like this. Your age doesn't matter. Do you work and have any family or friends nearby? Have you ever traveled to this man's hometown?

    This is not a compromise at all. He is deceitful and living a lie. This is not leaving socks on the floor or forgetting to pick up milk. This is a major deception.

    If you are depressed it's time to see a doctor and get to a therapist. Also if you are out of shape or unhealthy physically get on a good nutrition and fitness program. You can also start doing things to make friends and improve your life such as volunteering, joining some groups and clubs and taking classes and courses.
    Originally Posted by blugurrl
    I never used to put up with this kind of behavior, but as I got older, had too many years being single/lonely, fewer men, middle age/aging, and my low self esteem, I compromised.

  8. #27
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    I grew up in a very emotionally abusive situation, and I have been in therapy for most of my life trying to undo it. I want to get out of this relationship, it is easy to say just do it, but I am emotionally a mess, and losing another person when I have almost no one is very hard. In the past few years I have lost a lot of people including my Mom who I was super close to. I recently lost my 17 yr old dog, who was my baby and the pain is immense. I don't have many friends, I am introverted and have social anxiety. It sucks because I really want to be social. I don't have kids and have never married. I go to classes, volunteer at animal adoptions and meet ups but don't really meet people even though I do go outside my comfort zone and strike up conversations. I am always by myself and I don't enjoy it. I do reach out and call people to do things but most of the time end up going on my own. I am not out of shape and dowdy. But I am super self conscious, and feel awkward which causes a lot of anxiety. I can't explain why I put up with this guy. I am too lonely or too depressed, and can't self validate. This relationship has been painful because he flip flops on me, he loves me he loves me not. I work freelance so it is up and down so I am either busy or unemployed or looking for work. He works in the same industry. I know I have to detach from the "idea of him" which wants this to work or thinks I need him. I honestly don't even really like him he isn't really fun but it is a connection and I feel like I am desperate for it. I know if a friend told me, this story, I would tell her to run away. But what if there is nothing to run away to? I feel like my life is so small as hard as I try to open it up, and it makes me feel trapped either way. (please don't tell me to get another dog, I will eventually but it is too soon)

  9. #28
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What does your therapist advise? Does he or she recommend staying in this relationship?

  10. #29
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    Being with this poisonous snake is making all this worse, not better. Get a full time, everyday regular paying job and get to a doctor. No one can help you if you continually create and perpetuate a horrible life for yourself and refuse to help yourself.
    Originally Posted by blugurrl
    I am emotionally a mess
    I don't have many friends,
    I am introverted and have social anxiety.
    I am too lonely or too depressed
    I am either busy or unemployed or looking for work.
    I feel like my life is so small as hard as I try to open it up

  11. #30
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    Blu- I have to agree with the above thoughts, indeed, you have created a reality of loneliness. You have a LOT of plusses going for you that you don't see because of focus on the negative aspect of things. I agree that you are being led into an even darker reality courtesy of this guy who doesn't value all of your worth at all.
    Imagine if right now you had a lovely partner you COULD trust, who wanted to share everything with you, who shared all the good in a relationship with you and gave you the feeling that you are worthy and perfect the way you are? What if instead of seeing all the losses you could see all the possiblity and fun to be had?
    What if you could read his mind and see that not only does he not have the ability to do any of this with you, that he doesn't want to because he thinks he can have another person just like you anytime he wants?
    He can be lazy and careless with you because he knows you'll stick around for it no matter what he does.
    I would wish for you to have the ability to see that you want more than that - more than a not really real relationship with someone who is not really in it.
    When you get there remember you matter, remember you are the only one who can take care of you.
    It isn't terrible to be alone for a little while, for one thing, you no longer have to ask what's going on with this guy.
    You get to make yourself available for the RIGHT thing for you.
    If you keep it going with this guy you're going to have to stuff all these feelings and your truth, you won't be able to talk about it or persuade him to meet your needs.
    The relationship you truly need is waiting to happen, but you seem to want to stay in this one just to have some kind of person around.
    Because you are afraid of the unknown.
    I truly can understand your concern, and your hesitancy. But having been in a situation like yours where I talked myself out of the truth and paid for it later. Believe me, it hurts worse later.
    Because of what I mentioned, stuffing your truth, your needs, and your value for someone else.

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