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Thread: Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Dude has other women in his life I'm sorry to say... at least that is what it looks like from what you've shared. He clearly thinks it's much easier to just do crappy things and listen to you whine about it for a while and then continue on in the status quo because he's done it before and you're still in his life.

    Frankly, you'd be very foolish to continue on with a man that clearly has another life that you don't know much about.

    I'm sorry to be so blunt and I'm sad for you that he has done this sort of thing to you before. Please love yourself enough to not spend another moment with him when he's shown you how much he doesn't care (or is too stupid to see) how he hurts you.

  2. #12
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    How much have you given him financially? Just curious because from what you are telling us, your boyfriend sounds like a conman.

    I think this time you need to listen to your gut and yes, change your locks if this person has a key.

  3. #13
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    I feel like my insides are scrambled eggs being zapped by electrodes, with pangs of intense panic and sadness. I really do love this person, or have an attachment to my idea of him, I freak out when think of him not in my life. I never used to put up with this kind of behavior, but as I got older, had too many years being single/lonely, fewer men, middle age/aging, and my low self esteem, I compromised. When I first met him and thought he had Asperger's, he is an engineer and has that mindset, better with machines than people. But I see he is selfish, not just disconnected. We have this intense chemistry, I can't explain it, I wish I could turn it off. No matter how much I dislike him, it is still there. I even did energetic cord cutting to try and distance myself from him. I know some of it is unresolved Daddy issues- being neglected, emotional abuse, wanting to get blood from a stone, which surfaced with him. Intellectually I can see all of the reasons I stay and understand my behavior to an extent, also see that he is toxic and need to break away. But emotionally it is like having my limbs and my heart cut out, screaming in a black box. Totally irrational. I guess I just don't understand why, and I am fearful of being alone. He will move on from me like I never mattered and I will be in pain and feel I wasn't good enough to love. I know I need to choose my pain, staying in a relationship being treated like an afterthought or being single and lonely, both situations will have its measure of heartache. Wish I could erase him from my nervous system. It makes me so sad.

  4. #14
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    No money, he actually is pretty generous. I don't depend or take from him, but he takes me to nice places and pays. We go on short trips and he pays for me. He has given up work to take me to a festival and paid for it that was really expensive. That is the problem, if he was all bad it would be easy to leave. We get along really well and he tells me he loves me. That is why I don't understand his behavior and am shocked about the lies.

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  6. #15
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    He is the same culture but he grew up in a small town and I think he had trauma when he was a kid. I asked him once if he ever felt unconditional love and he said no. He has trust issues.

  7. #16
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    What you say is interesting, it may be that he has some kind of disorder that affects him this way, but I'm not qualified to say. The important thing is: everything else sounds like you don't like the way this is panning out. You don't like the way it feels to be treated this way.
    Of course it is possible for you to stick with it, what are we really going to stop you? No, you have to know for yourself. I can say from my experience it feels a LOT better to put something behind you that doesn't feel right for you than to keep shoveling your truth under the rug and pretending- or making excuses for someone who you KNOW isn't treating you right.
    Being single IS better than that, for one thing you are opening yourself up to the RIGHT thing for you, whereas staying with someone with so many obvious red flags is closing the door for it.
    Remember Les Stroud, Survivor Man? He counts the "lemons" to make the choice to keep going or not.
    Lemon one: over 5 years this guy has proven to be a really weirdly dishonest guy.
    Lemon 2: you have never met family in all of this time.
    Lemon 3: you aren't really getting out of it what you want and need.
    What difference does it make if he takes you places, or gives you a little attention when you don't feel like you can trust him? It kinda negates the whole thing.
    Trust is what it's all about.

  8. #17
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    You should have dumped him after the first incident.

    This guy does not give a sh?t about others and has repeatedly deceived you. These are huge things. You would be a fool to control us!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    How much have you given him financially? Just curious because from what you are telling us, your boyfriend sounds like a conman.

    I think this time you need to listen to your gut and yes, change your locks if this person has a key.
    Totally agree...

  10. #19
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    Who have you met in his family? How many friends have you been introduced to? The lie about the father is unforgivable.

    Don't you think it is time you loved yourself! Please seek a therapist.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I've never understood this whole "I'm afraid to be 'alone'" mindset.

    What awful things do you think will happen to you if you are single? And how is this man protecting you from those awful things?

    I'm single and nothing catastrophic has happened to me just because I don't have a boyfriend.

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