Not sure about this guy

So I'm nearly 35 years old in one month. I had a partner previously for 2.5 years, who I lived with and was engaged to for one year. However he had a lot of issues and all of this year had a severe drug addiction and spent all our wedding money on drugs. So a few months ago I broke up with him and he moved out of my apartment.

About 5 weeks ago I went to a singles speed dating event. I got one match, who asked me on a date. He's an Indian guy who is only 25, so ten year age gap between us. I'm originally from Eastern Europe, but have lived in Australia since I was 12 years old. This guy, we'll call him N, knows my age and doesn't mind. He has a Masters degree and works as a software developer.

So what sort of bothers me is that so far we've been on six very long dates and nothing has really happened between us. He did say he's interested in me and thinks I'm pretty and he messages me all the time. He also said he wants to be romantic. We've done some nice things like sit on the river and he cooked me a yummy meal, brought some pink champagne and gave me a box of chocolates as a gift. He actually seems really nice and intelligent.

His behaviour has been a bit strange and I'm pretty convinced that he's never actually dated anyone and has no experience at all with women. After only one date he invited himself along to play pub trivia with my friends and I. I'd mentioned to him in conversation that I do trivia, but I didn't actually invite him. After trivia I walked him to the train station at 11:00 p.m. I said I'd wait with him on the platform, as I had my car there and could just drive home. But he said: "It's a bit cold and getting late, you should go home!" I said it was fine, but he insisted I leave. I firstly thought it was weird he invited himself to the trivia with all my friends because he hardly even knew me. But also being at the train station was a chance for us to be alone and he told me to go.

Then another time we went on like a six hour date and we were quite drunk and still nothing happened, he only started holding my hand a bit. After that I invited him to the movies. I started holding his hand in the cinema and he seemed kind of tense.

After we left the cinema we walked around the river in the city, then sat for a long time and talked. I was sitting really close to him, leaning in and twirling my hair. Hoping to get a kiss, or at least hold hands or maybe he'd put his arm around me. Then he suggested we go get a drink. We went to this really nice bar on the river and sat there for ages and talked. Then he walked me to the train and nothing! Every date he had only been giving me a quick hug goodbye. Also I had suggested we go in the pool and spa in his apartment building. He seemed worried and was like: "No, no you wouldn't like it. Besides, I can't swim and I feel shy". Then later in a text said he doesn't want his roommates to see me in my bathers...

Then again he messaged me and invited himself along to the trivia. He sat far from me on the couch and at the end of the night just gave me a hug and went home.

I was getting a bit annoyed because while I don't mind waiting for sex, but if we're going on dates then at least some affection has to happen?

So I texted him later that night. I asked does he just want to be friends and why has nothing happened between us? I asked does he come from a strict Indian culture? But he assured me he is not at all religious or traditional. And that he likes me and "wants to take it to the next level" but didn't think I was interested...??!! I asked him if he had ever been with a woman and he ignored the question. Then he said I can come over to his place if I want.

I don't know, I liked him at the start but because after six really long dates and constant talking nothing happened, I'm not sure if I'm starting to feel like he's just a friend...At the same time I actually don't know if there's any chemistry or physical spark because nothing has actually happened. I mean there might be but I can't tell without anything at all physical. I'm not sure if I have patience for someone who has no experience with dating. But at the same time I understand if he's really shy and it's also nice he hasn't been sleazy.

Any advice?

 

So what sort of bothers me is that so far we've been on six very long dates and nothing has really happened between us. He did say he's interested in me and thinks I'm pretty and he messages me all the time. He also said he wants to be romantic. We've done some nice things like sit on the river and he cooked me a yummy meal, brought some pink champagne and gave me a box of chocolates as a gift. He actually seems really nice and intelligent.

 

His behaviour has been a bit strange and I'm pretty convinced that he's never actually dated anyone and has no experience at all with women. .

 

I started holding his hand in the cinema and he seemed kind of tense.

 

I was sitting really close to him, leaning in and twirling my hair. Hoping to get a kiss, or at least hold hands or maybe he'd put his arm around me. ...

 

I was getting a bit annoyed ..... So I texted him later that night. I asked does .....assured me he likes me and "wants to take it to the next level" but didn't think I was interested...??!! I asked him if he had ever been with a woman and he ignored the question. Then he said I can come over to his place if I want.

 

Any advice?

Yeah.

He is young, his parents probably sent him to a boy's school, and after school coaching, and didn't let him play sport or have a normal childhood. He probably never had much in the way of friends, let alone female ones. He probably spent all his time studying or working until he got his post-grad degree.

You could well be his first adventure in the world of dating and sex, and he may be second guessing the age difference, so i would suggest -

(a) You are going to need to take the lead; and

(b) be gentle with him.

Stay cool and take care of the koalas.🐨 Is it possible his family has an arranged marriage waiting for him and he is hoping for experience?

My mother who is very traditional still does have the opinion that a man interested in a woman he’s dating should at least attempt to kiss her by the 4th date. Is he otherwise awkward socially ? I find it odd that he invited himself to trivia night and also didn’t sit next to you. Makes no sense.

And why would he be at a speed dating event unless he wanted to date ? I do think he was probably put off by your question about his past. I usually didn’t have sex with the men I dated until we’d been dating for months and were exclusive but yes we kissed on one of the earlier dates and were sexual as time went on if things were getting more serious.

I don't think he's interested in you. He hangs out with you cos he's bored but it doesn't sound like he is into you romantically.

Also, 10 years is a huge age gap at your age. 😕 Most men want someone younger or at least near their age (three years older max). This is what my guy friends tell me.

He may find you attractive, but def isn't seeing you as a real dating option.

Just wondering why you wanted to jump back into the dating pool only weeks after years with another man, almost marrying him. You might want to give yourself a breather, and enjoy some single time before getting tied to another man so quickly.

That said, after 6 dates, that should've been enough time for him to become comfortable enough with you to go in for a kiss if he wanted to. Is he really that dense, not knowing if you'd welcome a kiss when you continually accept his dates?

Some men are gay, but try to reject that part of themselves and attempt to live a heterosexual life. That could be the reason for his behavior. Cocaine affects libido, so maybe he's a drug user. Or maybe he's extremely new to dating and really bad at it. Is his company that enjoyable that you want to stick around to see if he progresses?

If so, give yourself a timeline of when he has to become romantic. You've told him that you want that, so you can see if he comes through during the next few dates, if he even asks.

In the future, don't text about important subjects like this. That's best for an in-person discussion. I, myself, don't have a comfort level with that big of an age gap. There isn't much difference in looks at those ages, but I'd start thinking about when I'm 45 or 50 and I'm developing wrinkles and he's not. I'm much more comfortable with my man aging at the same rate as me. But some people are more free spirited and don't worry about those things.

If you do get through another few dates, I would ask him if his parents have a say-so on who his lifetime partner will be, and if so, I'd bail now.

At the end of the day I think you just have to ask yourself if you're enjoying this enough to keep exploring it, no different than anyone you've gone on a few dates with. Sounds like he's young, inexperienced, and lacks some base-level ease and confidence when it comes to romance 101, so he's either handling his interest in you awkwardly or being very awkward about his lack of interest. Coin toss, among other variables.

Personally, I don't like when intimacy feels like putting together Ikea furniture. Never a great sign. You grind through the frustrations with patience to get something that, more often than not, isn't quite as sturdy as you genuinely want. But that's just me.

Setting aside the awkwardness, if this ended up turning around do you see yourself involved with a young man ten years your junior from a differing cultural background?

Answer these questions first and then you'll know if it worth the wait and possible red flags.

If you don't see yourself with someone like him in the long run, then his pace, or lack thereof wouldn't matter.

I was getting a bit annoyed because while I don't mind waiting for sex, but if we're going on dates then at least some affection has to happen?

- exactly.

If he does not go for the first kiss, nothing will likely happen. Some guys don't know what to do.

It's good to find a gentleman but - he's beyond that, he's dead.

If a man does not kiss you in the first few dates, you are headed for the friend's zone.

Brilliant!

Personally, I don't like when intimacy feels like putting together Ikea furniture.

At least Ikea furniture comes with a manual!

Honestly you are several weeks out of a major breakup with a guy who used your wedding savings for drug money. I think you should take it slow and i think that a guy taking things slow is what you need, because your radar is a little broken. yes, i would think light contact, not necessarily kissing, but offering a hand if you were walking up the steps in high heels, light touching when emphasizing something in a conversation would happen at least.

I really do think though that its way too soon and while he sounds like a nice, decent guy, you should take time for yourself before throwing yourself into dating. Actually, a 19-22 year old woman would probably think he is wonderful -- but you are looking for something else. But i am also glad that you didn't throw yourself into a physical relatonship because you are in danger of getting involved with another wrong guy.

If you really like him - mentally you click and you are physically attracted, i might voice my concerns or take the lead if you want to. This guy is either too young for you or takes things really slooow

Sounds like you're too eager to leapfrog into another relationship. You're rebounding, and you're taking up with a project.

One big reason for taking some time to stabilize solo after a breakup is to find enough comfort on your own to learn your best judgment. This is not that.