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Thread: I find myself unable to move on

  1. #1
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    I find myself unable to move on

    TLDR;
    I broke up with my ex a bit over a year ago but I can't seem to move on properly from her and I feel lonely all the time.

    I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half a bit over a year ago. At the time we were doing a long distance relationship and while she said she wanted to come live with me eventually I felt that it was forced. I was also under a huge amount of constant stress and anxiety because I was also reading for a master's degree at the time and I kept fixating that the long distance relationship and added stress of thinking about all the things that come with it weren't doing me good. It was honestly the most difficult decision I ever had to take but I decided to break up with her. Two weeks later I visited my home country and we met and we couldn't stay away from each other and it was destroying me because I really wanted to be with her but I was in constant mental pain when I was alone studying and constantly stressed so I thought it would be best to stay broken up. During that month she tried everything to try to get us to be together again but I was at the point of getting sever anxiety attacks because I was so torn between wanting to be with her and not wanting to be in constant pain when I was away. After that we decided it would be best to not keep in contact for a while because it would do us both some good. During this time she was always on my mind but I wanted to give it some time and also give her some time because I knew I had hurt her. After 2 months I wanted to speak to her because it was her birthday but a friend of mine was telling me that I shouldn't but wouldn't give me an explanation. Moments later I found out that 3 weeks after our break up she started dating someone else and that they were together and this just destroyed me. I also knew I was the one to break up with her and it doesn't make sense to say it but I really really loved her it's just that I was in so much pain that I didn't know what to do and felt that breaking up was the only way. Even after learning that she was dating someone else I decided to speak with her anyway and we had a good conversation which was actually pleasant and that made me somewhat happy. The next day I wanted to speak to her again but I realized that she had blocked me on all social media except for WhatsApp. At this point I thought to myself that she clearly doesn't want anything to do with me and even though it brought me a lot of pain I decided not to contact her through the last remaining way possible. However a month had gone by and my state of mind kept getting worst to the point that I was randomly crying and having constant anxiety and feeling constant sadness. I finally contacted my ex again through WhatsApp and following our very brief conversation she blocked me for good which was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I was depressed and I didn't really know it because it was the first time I experienced something like this and I was abroad and "alone" so I thought it was just a combination of things and that it would pass. However, it didn't and eventually I saw a doctor and I was prescribed antidepressants at the start of this year.

    Things sort of got better, the medication was working and I was very pre-occupied with my Master's thesis at the time and I also tried hard to do other things to just keep my mind busy and it sort of worked. I wasn't back to my normal self but at least I wasn't in a constant state of anxiety and crying for "no reason". Then around June/July I was going through my Instagram and saw that my ex was seeing my Instagram stories. It briefly shocked me because I was blocked for months on end with no contact and suddenly she unblocked me on all social media and she started to go and view my stories without following me which meant that she was deliberately going into my profile and seeing what I'm doing. Immediately I assumed she had broken up, which I later found out that it had happened around 2 weeks after she unblocked me.

    I was to visit my home country again in August and a week before this she contacted my best friend and told her that she'd like to meet up for a coffee. They did and during their conversation my ex started crying and telling my best friend that I probably hated her and didn't want anything to do with her after she had treated me that way and that she'd like to speak with me but she doesn't know if she should. I had already told my friend that she had unblocked me and even though I was angry because of the things she had said to me and the way she had treated me after the break up (even though she knew that I was extremely anxious and not really able to think properly) deep down I still wanted to speak with her. So my ex contacted me and we met. We ended up crying when we met and I told her how sorry I was for hurting her the year before because I was and still am very sorry for that and she had told me how she was sorry and explained everything to me (reasons for blocking me etc) and that she doesn't want to exclude me from her life because it was a mistake for her to do that. That night we ended up making out and connecting again but we didn't have sex because we both knew that it wouldn't be healthy for us given that I was going away again 4 weeks later. I told her that I still loved her and it was true. Even though I tried to move on I still knew that deep down I loved her so I felt that I needed to tell her. She was telling me how she was asking for advice to her friends on whether she should have spoken to me because she really wanted to and this gave me hope that maybe there was still something between us because she showed all of these different emotions towards me. At some point she was even going to join me and my friends on a day out but she didn't want to join because she said she was too emotional because she realized that she had hurt me a lot (I explained to her that I got depressed but in no way ever blamed it on her) and that she was ashamed to meet my friends again because she thought they would be angry with her. After this I felt that she was being a bit more "cold" towards me. Whenever she met she would speak to me and treat me as if we were only friends and it seemed as if to her there was no history between us.This was making me feel sad again but I was honestly so excited and happy to see her every time that I decided to keep meeting with her. Eventually I had to go back and we kept in touch through Facebook but the conversations we're getting drier and drier. Eventually she stopped having a normal conversation with me and would send a meme to me every once in a while and sometimes when I would reply she'd just leave me on seen. Eventually she told me that she's not interested in any form of relationship right now because she's been in 3 different relationships in the past 4-5 years and that she needs time to be alone. I can understand this and I respected it because I made sure to not make her feel uncomfortable by being lovey dovey around her.
    I didn't say anything to her but this hurt me because she was the one who got upset about thinking that I hated her and she wanted to reconnect with me and said to me that she wanted to keep in touch but now she won't even bother to ask me how I'm doing every once in a while. I can't even understand why she decides to "keep in contact" with me because I feel like she's not interested. Then sometimes I think to myself maybe I'm giving it too much thought and she did say she wants to be single.

    I can't seem to move on properly. The annoying thing is that I'm trying to put myself out there. I go to work, I go to the gym, I take care of myself and I try to hang out with different people on weekends. I haven't been on a date in months and it's not my choice but I can't seem to meet any women. All the women who I meet when out or from work etc. are all in a relationship so I'm just alone in that sense. I'm not looking for another relationship but I also feel that a little bit of dating might help me move on better but it's really out of my hands. It's like anytime I have a emotional or sexual thought I always think of my ex because that's the last person I've been with and it's not helping me either. I feel lonely all the time and it's really not helping me. Anytime I visit my home country I feel better because I see my friends but I'm also feeling sad because I want to meet with my ex (which we do but everytime we meet I can see that she's lost her romantic interest in me). I know that probably it's not good that we meet up but I really want to keep in touch with her and I don't want to be the one to just end things completely because I've done that once and I still regret it.

    I don't know what to do at this point. It's been over a year, I seemed professional help and I got it, I started working, I try to have a social life but nothing is working for me. The only thing I can think of is to just keep trying (living my life) and maybe eventually things will get better but it's so tiring. But realistically I feel that this isn't working for me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    but I'm also feeling sad because I want to meet with my ex (which we do but everytime we meet I can see that she's lost her romantic interest in me). I know that probably it's not good that we meet up but I really want to keep in touch with her and I don't want to be the one to just end things completely because I've done that once and I still regret it.
    What you want and what you should do are two different things. The first comes purely from the heart, but in this instance, you should be guided by your brain.

    Staying in touch will prevent closure. It also is a disrespectful and harmful thing to any future girlfriend, as they will run far and fast away from a guy who chooses to stay in touch with an ex he still wants forever in his life in any capacity.

    It's clear you can't move on because you've continued to stay in touch. Tell your friends you never want to hear about her again. Delete her in every capacity on social media. Do not check on her in any way and delete all photos and messages. When people do this important step, the closure usually happens around month four. I know that's how it happened for me.

    What your doing isn't working, so time to make these changes for your own good, even though the prospect is painful. Your fate lies with someone else. When you've achieved closure, look into Meetup.com, for groups of local singles in your age group who meet up for various activities like hiking, kayaking, attending festivals, etc. Take care.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Sounds like you are trying to be in two places at once, geographically, socially, culturally and romantically. However you have not integrated to where you are living and you have not gotten over where you are from.

    At some point you need to bridge those gaps and decide where to live where to work where to love and where you want to go.

    The first thing to do is learn the language and stop limiting yourself to only those who speak your language and expect everyone to speak English. Start getting involved more so you start talking in the native language more. Take lessons, hang out with locals more,etc. Or you may end up living in a homesick bubble.


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