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Thread: I donít know what do with my ex

  1. #1

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    I donít know what do with my ex

    So my ex boyfriend was very controlling first time I dated him. I let it go on too long and I ended up confiding in my friend and she said itís a toxic relationship you need to get out. So I did. He came back saying heíll change he realized what he did and I believed him and went back to him. Everything was great it was going perfect. Then we went home for break and he reverted back to being controlling and manipulative and I knew I had to end it. I learned what I was worth and I know I didnít deserve that. This time however I told my family because he was just mentally draining and emotionally exhausting Iíve cried so many times over break. They supported me and so I went through it.

    Now...he texted me again and he said he know he messed up. He wants another chance, and Iím not sure. I told him I donít have time anymore second semester because Iím swamped with classes/work/volleyball. He proposed we could be a thing without a label when I just wanted to be friends(when heís ready) because we both acknowledge we have things to work on. He explained the without a label as weíre still ďtogetherĒ but we work on our issues individually. Itís like we know we are each otherís persons and we know better than to talk to anyone else. I gave it a shot and I went to his room did my homework. I slept in his room that night and he asked if it could farther and I said yes(which I know was dumb) and the next morning I realized I donít like this. I want to be friends and we work on ourselves.

    We know we want to be together and we both know we have a lot of stuff to work on as individuals and I just want to do it alone. We take a break from each other and when we are ready weíll try again. I love him and he loves me. I donít care what my family thinks honestly because I believe he can change. I just donít know if thatís the right option or should I just give up on him? If itís the right decision to stay as friends Iíd try again next year I just donít know how to go about this. We donít want to mess it up third time around.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    If ex honestly wants to change to be a better person. It doesn't happen overnight. You need to let him go and let him discover himself.

    You want to be alone and find self growth. That's great. You should do that alone. I think it's a bad idea to be friends right now. Too much emotion in the relationship right now. You just slept with him and will try to go farther with you again. Friends don't do that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Every controlling, toxic, abusive person will say the same thing - come back, I've magically changed and seen the error of my ways.

    You already gave him a second chance and what happened? He went right back to being himself after a short honeymoon period. This cycle is never going to change until you dropkick him out of your life permanently. What will change with that? You'll get to live your life and be happy and his toxic bs will no longer be your problem.

    Do yourself a huge favor and block and delete him from everything. No more contact whatsoever. You need to spend some time detoxing yourself. As for your hope that maybe this time....unless he spent 1-2 years in therapy while staying completely single and fully focused on therapy, he is NEVER going to change. Now has he been single and in intensive therapy for 2 years since you broke up? No? So nothing has changed or will change.

    You are in college. Time to allow yourself some freedom to be single, focus on your personal growth, your studies, figure out who you are as a young woman and learn to stand on your own two feet completely. That's critical for your life and well being in the future. As for this guy, this is your life lesson in what kind of a bf you don't want in your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    There got to be like a zillion guys at your school. Why stick yourself with one who is controlling and has abusive tendencies?

    Yes, I get it, you love him. But if you give a decent guy a chance you could love him too. But you'll never find that decent guy as long as you keep hanging around this one.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    From an outside perspective itís so easy to see that the healthiest option would be to break up. But thatís really painful even when we know itís the best option...and we can avoid feeling those feelings by dragging it out with half measures ďfriendly lovers who arenít together but donít date anybody elseĒ arrangements or other wishful but impossible scenarios.

    Iíve gone back with exes several times in my life; no judgement here if you need more ďconvincingĒ from him before youíre ready to actually walk away and fully heal before considering another round. Sometimes we just need to drive it until the wheels fall off and thatís a valid way to gain experience and learn too!

    Best wishes,

    Zack

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why not educate yourself on abusive relationships? Is there a family history of abuse, substance abuse or mental illness? Why does this seem normal to you? Google "Cycle of violence" "emotional abuse" and "red flags for an abuser". Just for fun research 'sociopaths'. Everything you have stated here is very classic for this pattern.

    You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. You also need to enlist continued support from your friends and family (isolation/secrecy is a typical abuser tool). Further your career or schooling.

    Get involved in groups and clubs and sports and other productive healthy activities that draw other healthy productive people. Volunteer. Make your life full and surround yourself with normal decent people. You will soon see the vast difference between this exbf and how healthy relationships operate.

    Get to a therapist and fix whatever is deep down inside you that allows you to be treated like dirt and keep going back for more.
    Originally Posted by abcama16
    So my ex boyfriend was very controlling first time I dated him. Now...he texted me again and he said he know he messed up. He wants another chance, and Iím not sure.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Please stop being afraid to act on what you know is in your own best interests. He is not a good prospect as a LIFEpartner so why would you disrespect yourself, abuse your own self, crush your own heart and self esteem by trying to make it work with someone you clearly know is incapable of changing his need to control you.

    He won't change until he gets the professional help he needs to learn the tools he needs to let go of his control freak tendencies so if you are to stay with him it would be very selfish of you because you are then enabling him not to get that help and therefore sentencing him to a life as a giant A-hole.

    Let him go and at least allow him to learn a lesson. You stay with him and the only thing he'll learn is that you are okay with his BS.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abcama16
    I just donít know if thatís the right option or should I just give up on him? If itís the right decision to stay as friends Iíd try again next year I just donít know how to go about this. We donít want to mess it up third time around.
    Since it didn't work out the first time, chances of it working the third time are slim to none, (imo). With that said, I'd opt for throwing in the towel and begin to move forward.

    As to staying as "friends' my guess would be, that would likely result in a FWBs situation. Of course it's your call, but do you really want to sink to that level?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Okay, if he's a control freak, that's a serious mental illness and he needs counseling if there is any hope of him changing. Tell him you'll talk to him again after a year of counseling.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    If you allow yourself to really reflect on this honestly, I think you'll see that you are more attached to an idea of him than to who he actually is, as well as an idea about how you two might function than how you two actually function. The best things about this, in other words, exist in your imagination, not in reality.

    Subtract your imagination, after all, and what do you have? Two attempts at romance that have run you ragged, and now ragged feelings surrounding a flirtation with another shot. Just doesn't seem like this man is a positive influence in your lifeóor, really, that you are a positive influence in his. You are each rewarding and validating deep fears and bad emotional habits in each other.

    It's a bit like candy or fatty food: good in the moment, but not good for you. Stunts growth and/or grows you into an unhealthy shape.

    Relationships and romantic connection don't need to feel like endurance tests or psychological experiments. When they do? It's generally a solid sign they've run their course, stopped working, never quite worked. From where I'm sitting, I'd say the healthiest and most honest way to look at this, right now, is to see that this man has been put in your life to teach you that valuable lesson. But to fully learn it, and live it, you have to let this go, for real.

    Which, yes, is pretty scary. And it's that fear, I think, that you both share, the strongest bonding point here. So this business about being "just friends" or being together "without a label"? It's both of you looking for a way to avoid fully facing that fear, a bit like riding a bike with training wheels. It's one way, for sure, but there is a gigantic difference between actually riding a bike, and feeling the joy and freedom of it, and riding one with training wheels. There comes a point where the training wheels are preventing you from learning to ride rather than getting you closer. I think you've reached that point here, being honest.

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