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Feelings of Inferiority.


ConfusedLady21

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I will try to make this a brief post. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. So because of this, we both felt like it was an appropriate time to talk about me moving in with him. In all fairness, I requested for him to start off with the cons list regarding the situation at hand.

 

He tells me that he enjoys my company and loves when I am around, so it would be easier if I just lived with him. But then he mentioned that I was messy and he had concerns that my mess would add to his mess. Which I feel is an unfair assumption because I condensed/downsized a bedroom apartment into a room. It's been a while since I haven't had my own place. The room I stay in now barely holds my bedroom furniture or clothes, so things end up getting lost because I am not organized in such a cramped space. When I am over his house, I have cleaned. Dishes, laundry, mopping. I have done it. He also mentioned that when I get upset, I get REALLY upset and that there would be nowhere for me to go when that happens.

 

Touching on that subject was something that unfortunately needed to be brought up in the conversation. I only got upset over one topic (which was previously discussed on here). I started thinking about what he said, and that linked to a previous conversation where he said that he barely ever argued with his ex. That we've argued more than their entire 3 years together. Then I started thinking more about his ex and another conversation was brought to mind about him enjoying intellectual challenging conversations with her. He wanted to marry this woman, but she did not want that in return. I felt like he was settling for me.The sh*t show of internal emotions began to stir. I started thinking about how he is "neutral" about me moving in, while I am excited to take things to the next level with him.

 

He doesnt appreciate when I "compare" myself to his ex.. and he told me that you can depend on people for different things. He can depend on me to be myself and what she had to offer is different that what I have and vice versa. If he assumes that I'm so "messy" and so "argumentative", what is he even doing with me? He tells me that liking someone should be a good enough reason to be with them. I don't know. I'm just a bit sad about how the conversation went. Please be gentle. I've been given my share of tough love on here.

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Why are you still together with him? You literally posts thread about him at least once a month. This is your 6th thread about him since August! That's not normal. 😕

 

You feel like you have to walk on eggshells and he belittles you and treats u with disdain.

 

Your insecurities are stiffling. I feel tired for you.

 

So why stay with him????

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Why are you still together with him? You literally posts thread about him at least once a month.

 

You feel like you have to walk on eggshells and he belittles you and treats u with disdain.

 

Why?

 

He doesn't really, he's just more analytical than feeling based and at times he can come off as cold. I realize that I am an anxious lover, I just want to relax and enjoy being with him but I analyze and evaluate every thing mentioned in a convo. He spends time with me, treats me well, despite our differences. But I cannot shake the feeling that he's settling. And I dont want to be someone's second choice.

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He doesn't really, he's just more analytical than feeling based and at times he can come off as cold. I realize that I am an anxious lover. I want a long lasting relationship that lasts longer than a year. This man spends time with me, treats me well, and might be around. Despite our differences. But I cannot shake the feeling that he's settling. And I dont want to be someone's second choice.

 

So you're going to sabotage the relationship? You're punishing him for your insecurities. You ask and ask for reassurance. He seems to be ok giving it to you over and over.

 

What can he do to make you believe he's not "settling"? Nothing he's said or done so far has worked.

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You need intensive therapy. Like today.

I'm surprised he has put up with this. It's all so repetitive and draining.

 

Oh and what he allowed with his friend in your last thread was not okay.

 

I don't want to feel this way. I'm just trying to figure out how to respond appropriately and logically so I can come to a solution

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So you're going to sabotage the relationship? You're punishing him for your insecurities. You ask and ask for reassurance. He seems to be ok giving it to you over and over.

 

What can he do to make you believe he's not "settling"? Nothing he's said or done so far has worked.

 

I just don't know. I really like him and I respect him and sabotaging us is the last thing I want to do. We had a conversation this morning where he told me that he was done feeding the conversation. He said there's nothing he can do to change how I feel. I see myself being with him for the long run but it's difficult to just relax when I feel like he could be with someone else. I don't know why he is with me.

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The solution is getting at least a year of therapy and staying single. Being with this guy isn't making u feel secure and it's totally sending your anxiety into overdrive.

 

These convos you have will cause him to sooner than later end the relationship. Don't u see how pathetic it's making you look? Stop with this nonsense.

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I just don't know. I really like him and I respect him and sabotaging us is the last thing I want to do. We had a conversation this morning where he told me that he was done feeding the conversation. He said there's nothing he can do to change how I feel. I see myself being with him for the long run but it's difficult to just relax when I feel like he could be with someone else. I don't know why he is with me.

 

You side step suggestions of therapy. Why?

 

You have tried to stop this unhealthy behavior on your own but you can't.

 

If you refuse to seek therapy the only logical conclusion is you actually want this relationship to end. If you didn't you'd seek professional help.

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You side step suggestions of therapy. Why?

 

You have tried to stop this unhealthy behavior on your own but you can't.

 

If you refuse to seek therapy the only logical conclusion is you actually want this relationship to end. If you didn't you'd seek professional help.

 

I have. So what else is there to talk about? It doesn't fix things today.

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Can’t you just end the relationship? That will make a fix of some sort. You’re obviously not happy.

 

I’ve been reading various versions of basically the same posts you make. You can’t change your boyfriend and he’s not going to change. It’s time you took care of yourself!

 

You got this! I know it sucks being alone but being single until the right guy comes along is worth it.

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Sorry to hear this. 180 days of dating is way too soon to talk about moving in . Although you may not like where you live at the moment, try to wait it out. You don't want someone who thinks "you're too messy" becoming your landlord. He could throw you out at any time. If he is already complaining about how you live, who you are, that your anger is too much, etc the conflict if you move in would be unbearable.

 

Perhaps go through your living area and start to place things in storage containers, give things away or throw out unwanted or unneeded items. Considering getting a storage unit or start looking for/saving for a better place. Do not do housework at his place unless he pays you the hourly rate for that area..

 

He clearly does not want you moving in (ever) is finding fault after fault so consider ending things. If you feel angry a lot or argumentative a lot he may not be right for you, but either way talking to a therapist could help that.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now.

 

he mentioned that I was messy and he had concerns that my mess would add to his mess. He also mentioned that when I get upset, I get REALLY upset and that there would be nowhere for me to go when that happens.

 

If he assumes that I'm so "messy" and so "argumentative", what is he even doing with me? .

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I just don’t get the purpose of moving in other than convenience and you having a place to live that is more than one room? Where do you get that it’s a stage of dating ?

Sure if you are the type of couple to move in as some sort of signal that you’re emotionally closer and getting more serious emotionally fine but it doesn’t sound like that and he is worried that if you’re there all the time you’ll get more insecure and clingy.

Do you want to have more intellectually challenging conversations with him ? Do you think he wants that ? If so what’s stopping you ? If not then you do you. It sounds like you’re trying to force a good match here by going through your perceived “stages” of moving in together. I don’t think it works that way , sorry.

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Putting aside the history here—which, I admit, is a challenge—I would say the logical solution to this is to put off the moving-in talks, along with idea of cohabitation, for at least another six months. It's quite early to be making those plans, generally speaking, and the fact that even talking about it causes whiplash and disconnect is a pretty good sign that the timing isn't right. Whatever one's reason for moving in with a romantic partner, I don't think it should be a fraught moment, but just a fun one.

 

As far as all the inferiority stuff? I don't quite know what to say, as I just can't imagine having those feelings and still wanting to be with someone who stirred them. They've been a reoccurring theme in this relationship, are very much part of your romantic foundation, perhaps even the general foundation that is you. You felt like this before you were a couple, and continue to feel this way the more time you spend together. Going back to a logical approach, that tells you it's something you're going to feel regularly inside this relationship, so I suppose you have to either accept it or ask the question of whether this relationship serves you.

 

At some point one of you are going to get tired of bonding over "cons." He'll lose patience with assuring you, or you'll lose patience for feeling inferior. You can wait until either of those scenarios happen to take some steps toward inner strength, but along with the others I'd really suggest taking those steps now.

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Soooooo

 

Are we going to do this whole thing again?

 

You know where we pretend the posters past posts don’t exist, where this exact post simply titled differently doesn’t already exist, that this poster uses this board as a coping mechanism to soothe her anxiety knowing full well she plans to change nothing lest we be called inconsiderate responders?

 

Are we still doing this or nah?

 

Cause if we are I’ll sit this one out, not the biggest fan of being accused of being careless because I don’t tip toe around the blatantly obvious.

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I will try to make this a brief post. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. So because of this, we both felt like it was an appropriate time to talk about me moving in with him. In all fairness, I requested for him to start off with the cons list regarding the situation at hand.

 

NOPE. its not an appopriate time to talk about moving in. An appropriate time is in a couple years, maybe when you have decided that you will marry eachother. Moving in after 6 months is a recipe for disaster and is NOT an appropriate way to get a bigger bedroom than you have. There are foundational issues with this relationship - you are painfully insecure.

 

he wants to move in with you for sex and because you cook and clean.

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He doesn't really, he's just more analytical than feeling based and at times he can come off as cold. I realize that I am an anxious lover, I just want to relax and enjoy being with him but I analyze and evaluate every thing mentioned in a convo. He spends time with me, treats me well, despite our differences. But I cannot shake the feeling that he's settling. And I dont want to be someone's second choice.

 

There might be a guy out there better suited to you that you do relax with.

 

AND i highly suggest that you don't move in under any circumstances. You refuse to listen to sound advice. You refuse to really work on yourself - and for some people that really means doing what they don't want to do -- be alone for awhile. Figure out your life first

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He doesn't want her moving in that is the point of the thread. She wants to get out of her room and he doesn't want her moving into his place.

 

I may be all scrambled because of all the similar threads about this guy -- but i thought they have had conversations about it because he has a house. A few threads ago i thought he wanted to, and we were telling her not to, but maybe that has changed. She wonders why he is with her despite all of her anxiety, and because she obsessivelycleans his house when she is there, i just figured the reason why he didn't totally shut her out/dump her was because of that - sex and cooking/cleaning

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I may be all scrambled because of all the similar threads about this guy -- but i thought they have had conversations about it because he has a house. A few threads ago i thought he wanted to, and we were telling her not to, but maybe that has changed. She wonders why he is with her despite all of her anxiety, and because she obsessivelycleans his house when she is there, i just figured the reason why he didn't totally shut her out/dump her was because of that - sex and cooking/cleaning

 

Yeah, he told her she could move in pretty much immediately after they began dating. She said she wanted to but apparently she didn't. He seems to be very, very keen on getting her to move in.

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You sound justified in your points to me, I would also get emotional in this situation. Being compared to an ex is unfair.

 

My advice would be to keep your independence (don't move in at least yet) and consider him. You will need to communicate to him what you expect if you moved in and this is better done while you don't live with him. Test the waters first.

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This seems more like OP trying to decide whether to cave under the pressure of his manipulation than it does a sincere desire on his part to have the relationship move to another level.

 

OP this guy has been trying to manipulate you right from the start... flirting inappropriately with women in front of you, asking you to move in so you can take care of him, telling you he wants you to move in while at the same time putting you down for your living arrangements, comparing you to his ex.... all ways that he is trying to make you feel as small as possible so he can feel more powerful and in control.

 

You do have your own stuff to work on but there is a reason you are feeling as anxious as you are... and that's because you are ignoring your intuition which is likely telling you that you guys are not suited for long term commitment.

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