Am I being taken advantage of financially?

I know that when people date in their later 60s they have to be very cautious of a potential partner who may want to be taken care of either financially and or due to any health condition. I met somebody several months ago online who on the outside appears to be very compatible with me. In particular, we are both professionals, have our own homes, all of our kids are grown and out of the house and we share some interests. My last relationship ended because of money discrepancies between us. In particular, I had substantially more money and assets than my ex and in fact he had no assets and only a modest income to support himself with no retirement funds even though he’s close to 70 years old. It seemed that no matter what I did what I said the ex never really understood how this created a great amount of stress on me and eventually on the relationship because he had an attitude of instant gratification and spending his money on things that were completely unnecessary because he felt he “deserved it”.

So now I’m with this new guy who doesn’t appear to have this type of situation but clearly has less than me. Sometimes I just feel like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to share the financial burden of shared expenses. By that I mean trips and some of the things that we’ve been talking about I get a strong sense that he is relying on me to essentially bank roll the whole thing. He is been he has been thoughtful in terms of gifts for me and my kids and bringing things to my house when he visits as far as you know food. He says he wants me forever and loves me. It’s just very awkward because I feel that if he really wanted to offer and share in the some of these other expenses he would’ve already said something.

When I talk to my boyfriend about whether he’s comfortable sharing some trip costs but ihe ignores contributing am I supposed to just call it off? I said earlier he we do have a lot in common and it’s been very very hard for me to find somebody someone compatible with me plus the fact I’m also in my 60s so time is not on my side. Does anybody have any thoughts?

It's fine to date and have companionship. What's not fine is not seeing an estate planner and accountant and making sure you assets are bulletproof. You should have everything in trusts or in you own name and not commingle finances with lovers. Your estate should already have everything in trusts for your beneficiaries, Your assets, accounts etc should be inaccessible to lovers.

You would not fear being taken advantage of if your assets and holdings and estate were properly secured. Date men in your own financial bracket. Split entertainment expenses 50/50. Do not try to buy companionship.

I just feel like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to share the financial burden of shared expenses. By that I mean trips and some of the things that we’ve been talking about I get a strong sense that he is relying on me to essentially bank roll the whole thing.

It's generally implied that you'll both chip in equitably when you're flirting with things like vacations together. When you get down to actually looking for flights and hotel rooms is when you start actively splitting expenses. I've never been talking with a woman about doing something only for her to blurt out, "ok, and I'll pay half." Usually it comes up if one person knows then they can't pay it. Is it just that he doesn't bring it up or is he watching you put in your credit card info for the whole cruise and not saying anything?

While it's fine if you'd rather date men more at your financial level, don't use baggage from your last guy to assume the worst of this one. Have you two talked about where each of you is at in terms of retirement goals and preparation? Obviously you shouldn't be verifying each other's savings and IRA statements, but at your age it's important to have a general conversation. How one lives and presents their assets is often different from what they actually have, and that can swing either way. Could well be he lives more meager to comfortably afford vacations. And while that would again present a dilemma of differing lifestyles, I again wouldn't default to being taken advantage of. If deep down you know you need a guy who is and looks more financially comfortable, I'd say do both yourself and this new guy a favor and cut the cord.

Financial compatibility is compatibility....

Have you booked any of these trips?

I think his lack of communication, when asked is a major red flag... FOR ANY TOPIC not just his finances... at some point, things have to get real.

I think Wiseman is on the right track... secure your own finances FIRST. And live by the creedo: never a lender or borrower be. Being ripped off by a romantic partner is a very real concern at all ages and for both sexes. So it's on YOU to protect YOU!

If your guy can't afford your level of a trip, I say, go on the trips you both can afford. It's time for a real conversation about finances...

Something to keep in mind, if you can't have real conversations about difficult things, that's the real issue. Not the money. Don't make excuses for a man. You get what you settle for, at any age.

I know it's hard, especially, as we get older to find companionship, but don't let fear rule your decisions. Maybe slow to down the relationship and keep your options open.

I know when it comes to trips, I split all expenses for air fare & hotel etc down the middle and we'd take turns picking up meals or activities. This is the case for girls trips, too. You can't be scared to say- I can't pay for you. You gotta wonder what kind of person just expects such an expensive thing?

There are givers and takers in life... givers can be takers, but takers are never givers. This speaks to his character and what motivates him. A good person, doesn't want to take advantage of another. And keep in mind, the number 1 cause of arguments in marriage is money!

As I'm typing this, I'm thinking more and more-- run girlfriend.... But if you feel you need more info to decide: Get back to going Dutch and protect yourself. That will probably tell you a lot about where he's coming from. Don't be afraid to let this guy go. Your gut is telling you something!

Women usually want the man to have as much or more money than they do.

It sounds like you are settling for any guy due to you age- which is not old. You have at least another 30 years on you. I'd rather be alone, then paying some guys way

If you don't want to foot the bill, then don't. I also dont get why you are choosing theee types of men if it has been an Issue in the past. Find someone who will pay their own way. The fact that he does not give a Crap when you have theee discussions clearly shows he doesn't care. I would never foot any dude's bill! Hell no!

Lastly, how can you be in love and see a forever with someone when you've only been dating a couple months?

Date men in your own financial bracket.

LOL good luck with that. Those men are not single.

Whose idea is it to go on these trips? He may not be comfortable admitting he cannot afford these vacations you are planning for him (and it's not a crime to not be rich and/or not be able to afford things) and may think his money is better spent in other areas.

Your question is "am I being taken advantage of?" It doesn't sound like it. Only pay for what your'e willing to pay for. I think your choices in these types of situations are: 1) be willing to pay more than "your share", or 2) go by yourself.

Sometimes I just feel like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to share the financial burden of shared expenses. By that I mean trips and some of the things that we’ve been talking about I get a strong sense that he is relying on me to essentially bank roll the whole thing.

I'd like this part expanded on. How do these sorts of discussions come up? Who brings up the ideas of trips? What "other" things are you talking about with shared expenses? Are you the initiator of these things, or is he? If you are a big traveler and have brought up trips, maybe, at 60 days in and him wanting to be seen in the best light, that he's embarrassed to admit he can't afford the expense of a trip. If he's the one who has brought up going on specific trips with you and expects you to pay his share, then yes, he could be in it to milk you out of money you shouldn't be spending at this point in a new relationship.

You should never be settling just because you feel the options are few. I'm not saying you are settling here without more info, but just in general, you can always reach goals with a lot of effort. If you haven't heard of Meetup.com, in your local area, they might have singles groups in your age range, which is a great way to meet men your age in a less stressful venue than online dating. If you take up dance lessons, in tango or ballroom, that's a good way to meet men. Usually with a paid group lesson, a dance follows. I know in my area, people meet weekly in these sorts of dances. I used to take tango.

You've barely scratched the surface of who this man is. I wouldn't be planning expensive trips with him until you've known him longer. Why not just enjoy local activities with him right now so you don't make any rash decisions you'll regret? Since he owns his own home, it sounds like he has some financial good sense. Someone always has to be a higher earner. Why can't it be the woman? You just have to have a wait and see attitude to make sure he's not using you and that he has financially prepared for his own finances for a comfortable retirement.

If you are "talking about" a bunch of trips and ideas that he can't afford, or isn't as interested on spending on as you are, go with other people and do things that are in both of your price ranges.

If someone glazes over when you talk at them about all the trips you want to take, they are not interested in spending their money on that. Join some travel oriented groups and go with those groups/people, where everyone pays their own way and is equally enthused about it.

I just feel like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to share the financial burden of shared expenses. By that I mean trips and some of the things that we’ve been talking about I get a strong sense that he is relying on me to essentially bank roll the whole thing. I feel that if he really wanted to offer and share in the some of these other expenses he would’ve already said something. When I talk to my boyfriend about whether he’s comfortable sharing some trip costs but ihe ignores contributing

LOL good luck with that. Those men are not single.

 

Whose idea is it to go on these trips? He may not be comfortable admitting he cannot afford these vacations you are planning for him (and it's not a crime to not be rich and/or not be able to afford things) and may think his money is better spent in other areas.

 

Your question is "am I being taken advantage of?" It doesn't sound like it. Only pay for what your'e willing to pay for. I think your choices in these types of situations are: 1) be willing to pay more than "your share", or 2) go by yourself.

If he can't afford it, then he should't go.

Sometimes I just feel like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to share the financial burden of shared expenses. By that I mean trips and some of the things that we’ve been talking about I get a strong sense that he is relying on me to essentially bank roll the whole thing.

 

I'd like this part expanded on. How do these sorts of discussions come up? Who brings up the ideas of trips? What "other" things are you talking about with shared expenses? Are you the initiator of these things, or is he? If you are a big traveler and have brought up trips, maybe, at 60 days in and him wanting to be seen in the best light, that he's embarrassed to admit he can't afford the expense of a trip. If he's the one who has brought up going on specific trips with you and expects you to pay his share, then yes, he could be in it to milk you out of money you shouldn't be spending at this point in a new relationship.

 

You should never be settling just because you feel the options are few. I'm not saying you are settling here without more info, but just in general, you can always reach goals with a lot of effort. If you haven't heard of Meetup.com, in your local area, they might have singles groups in your age range, which is a great way to meet men your age in a less stressful venue than online dating. If you take up dance lessons, in tango or ballroom, that's a good way to meet men. Usually with a paid group lesson, a dance follows. I know in my area, people meet weekly in these sorts of dances. I used to take tango.

 

You've barely scratched the surface of who this man is. I wouldn't be planning expensive trips with him until you've known him longer. Why not just enjoy local activities with him right now so you don't make any rash decisions you'll regret? Since he owns his own home, it sounds like he has some financial good sense. Someone always has to be a higher earner. Why can't it be the woman? You just have to have a wait and see attitude to make sure he's not using you and that he has financially prepared for his own finances for a comfortable retirement.

You can tango. I am impressed. Such a beautiful dance.

When you ask him to go halves what does he say?

I suspect he's simply not into trips and new experiences.

People do exist that way and while it may be difficult for you to fathom (a person who loves experiencing new things), someone else may prefer sitting at home on his or her lawn chair or take a trip to low key local beach ten minutes away.

I think a great idea would be to open up the conversation in a more neutral way and come at each other less with preconceived notions or suspected agendas. Lower your anxiety by a few levels there. I'd only do this if you're interested in him genuinely as a person and would like to date him more.

If you're already rolling your eyes and thinking about a million and one other ways you're happier and don't quite see yourself with him (in other words, impatient with him - more impatient than anxious), then I'd do the difficult but right thing and end it. It's been a few months and that's enough time to be generous in your thoughts/turn things in a positive way or head pretty far down a negative path.

Do you suffer from anxiety in general? I'm curious due to your alias.

I have friends who have husbands with "comfortable" incomes. Some of those friends wanted to do things I couldn't afford. One friend wanted to go have pedicures together. I've never had one (nope, not once), so I asked her how much it would be. She said "oh, about $45". I declined and let her know that was more than I could afford. She also wanted to refer me to her hairdresser. She pays $125 for a cut and color. I would buy a $10 box of hair dye and go to Supercuts for $20. So, $30 total. I couldn't (and still can't) understand paying that much to have someone cut your hair and throw some dye in it. Her husband was encouraging me to buy a custom made bicycle when I said I wanted to buy one. I asked how much that would run and he said "oh, well, at least $500". So casual about it! I don't do things I can't afford to do, period.

Instead of fancy vacations you might have to limit your travels to weekend getaways or more modestly priced motels instead of resorts or cruises. Save those for going with your family or girlfriends.

I bring it up but last weekend he mentioned us going to a bed and breakfast but I believe it was just talk and don’t really expect him to make those plans. In all of my prior relationships in the last 8 years my partners always mention going away here or there but only one actually made those plans and he was the one who couldn’t really afford it which drove me crazy. I also thought he did it to somehow impress me but it never did. Also the getaways he picked weren’t really the places I’d have chosen.

Ask him how much the B&B is, and whether he thinks its good value for money.

That should give him the chance to talk about the subject more generally without being put on the spot.

So? Why stay angry at everyone for the past 8 years when you are the common denominator in these travel plans always going awry? Clearly the men you date do not wish to split costs on any of your plans. It sounds like you need to start getting involved with travel groups and just enjoy other things with men locally...or date different types of men.

Perhaps these men have budgets or expenses and don't want to spend money on your plans...and you simply don't like theirs. Just like you....no one has to spend money on things they don't enjoy or feel meh about.

I bring it up but last weekend he mentioned us going to a bed and breakfast but I believe it was just talk and don’t really expect him to make those plans. Also the getaways he picked weren’t really the places I’d have chosen.

Got to say i agree with Wiseman. Perhaps you have very expensive travel tastes and these men don't want to struggle to meet them.