My relationship is falling apart

Hello, this is my first time doing this but I am in need of some advice, I dont feel like asking for advice from friends or family because i dont want them to feel or better to know how my relationship is going.

Let me tell you a bit more about this relationship:

I meet my "fiancé" through a dating app, when i met him he was going through very rough issues, including a complete self-destroying state, he was drinking all day all night, he was getting in trouble and saying irrational things in social media he was baker act twice to control him, he was punishing his family and everyone for the downfall on his life, he was smoking juuls and it was just a mess. All the time i thought he was just going through something and that he need it someone to help him see the "light" so i stayed with him to try to help him plus i saw deep down he was a sensitive guy and loving. Well he was getting worst and worst and at some point i couldnt stand being with him every time he drank he would leave me voicemails or text me horrible things like "YOU DONT DESERVE ME", "YOU ARE NOT EVEN GOOD IN BED" or things like "SCREW THIS IM DONE" specially when i was trying to help him on something, he lost everything.... everything his apartment his money his business everything to a point i was helping him out.. by the end he kinda woke up from his dark moments and realized in the hole he was and stArted to look for a job and trying to get his life in order which is good... but now i feel like our relationship is just a lie or a facade.. i feel like he is using me and whatever we are living.

He proposed to me after he broke up with me in one of his drunk adventures without anything just seating next to me he said would you marry me... i never thought this was going to

Last but it did...

Now we live together in another city we both have good jobs he is trying to straighten his life out financially and also is trying to apologized to everyone he hurt.. but i feel like he is still using me.. he need it me to find a place to live, he needed me to be able to afford what we have now and then after living together for two months he never wants to be intimate with me.. and when he does i feel like im asking too much of him... he says he loves me and that he is lucky to have me but i dont fee like that.. i feel used and in love with a person that probably is with me for convenience more than love... he always mentions he likes blondes woman.. all his past relationships are blond blue eyes girls... his past relationship the one he loved the most was russian... and he always talks about her...

I feel im not his type at all and above all i dont feel happy.. some nights i just go to sleep on the other room or on the sofa because i dont like pretending that we are okay that we are happy because im not.. i dont want to marry someone that doesn't love me or bring kids into the world in a relationship that is not satisfying for me... i dont know what to do..

DUMP HIM. HE IS A NASTY, ABUSIVE, MANIPULATIVE LOSER. Get some therapy to figure out why you would put up with treatment for more than five minutes.

I don't get what ever attracted you to this guy. Do you usually look for men who are projects?

Get rid of this addicted, abusive loser. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist for your co dependency. Most people would run from someone like this, but you gravitate toward it. This is not healthy. Time to help yourself, instead of getting involved with people who have a shi%load of problems. We cannot help others, we can only help ourselves.

If a man is talking about his ex, he is not over her.

Did you grow up in a dysfunctional home?

Perhaps, you should have told your friends and family about this guy, so they could have steered you from this disastrous choice of a partner.

I wonder if you've not told anyone you know about this because you are embarrassed at being in your situation and know full well that they will tell you to get rid of him, just as everyone on here will. It sounds like you are getting zero enjoyment from this "relationship" and your gut is telling you that he's just using you. Listen to your gut! I hope it's only your name on the lease, in which case it's time to be telling him to go. Aside from all the appalling behaviour and verbal abuse, who on earth wants to keep hearing about their partner's ex-lover? You will be happier alone than with this loser.

When you “met” him , he was going through “rough issues”

That was when you should have left. Unmatched , blocked , whatever!

And now you want advice on this?

Well the advice is the same your friends and family would give so I’m not sure why you aren’t asking them?

Of course he is using you. From day one he used you to feel better about himself. Online.

He used dating apps to feel temporarily good about himself.

But so did you.

Do you feel better now knowing that you have got him out of a hole and is not interested in anything beyond that?

You both used online dating as an ego boost and therapy replacement.

It seems he benefited from it somewhat but you didbt at all and got worse???

What are you going to do now?

He needs inpatient detox/rehab and psychiatric care. Stay away from him. Do not go near him or his friends or family. Delete and block him and all his people from social media and messaging apps. If you use drugs and drink get help and stop going to him for those things.

he was baker act twice to control him

Crazy people are often not good catches.

Love is not enough.

All of you are right.. only one friend knows everything that happened and she hates the fact that i am still with him... The lease is on my name everything is on my name... I dont even know how to break the news.. this apartment it's expensive for myself i would have to get a roommate or something

Ahhh and his mom has bad depression and tried to kill herself about three weeks ago.. and that upset him to the point he wasn't even getting out from bed because he feels guilty.. and then the cutting of the intimacy was even worst.

So advertise for a roommate. You need a friend to be with you when you tell him it is over and you need to give him a date. Don’t be alone even if you have to stay elsewhere for a week(take ANYTHING of value with you). Make sure you change the locks.

He's not using you at all. You decided you needed a project to fix a for your own needs. You are trying to buy him. You are trying to control him and control everything. This is your problem. He's just a person with multiple psychiatric and substance abuse problems.

You need him like a parasite needs blood. You need to fix him. To feel sorry for yourself. To play victim and martyr. You could just as easily find a normal decent guy but you need this mess to feel total chaos and desperation that you must thrive on...otherwise he would be long gone and you know it.

i feel like he is still using me..

 

he need it me to find a place to live, he needed me to be able to afford what we have now and then after living together for two months. probably is with me for convenience more than love.

Im not trying to control him at all.. he is free to do his own will.

I tried to help him and this is the first time i get into this type of situation. Its easy for your to say you need it this to fee like a victim... I am not a victim here and i am aware of the decisions I MADE while trying to help him.. but at this point the happiness and love i thought we were going to have after overcoming everything is not here.. this is no what i project myself in the future living in a lie.

I have question myself in the reason why i got into this and i cant quite put it all together.. that i give you.. but needing this like parasite ha.. never had this situation

Yeah you are right

He's not using you at all. You decided you needed a project to fix a for your own needs. You are trying to buy him. You are trying to control him and control everything. This is your problem. He's just a person with multiple psychiatric and substance abuse problems.

 

You need him like a parasite needs blood. You need to fix him. To feel sorry for yourself. To play victim and martyr. You could just as easily find a normal decent guy but you need this mess to feel total chaos and desperation that you must thrive on...otherwise he would be long gone and you know it.

Wisey, is right. You are trying to control and manipulate, this is why you choose messed up people. Seek therapy for your co dependence and your need to fix others.

This guy was screwed up from the start, yet you thought this was a great choice .

But you are not helping him. You are infantilizing him and patting yourself on the back as if you're the hero and he's the loser. Those rolls are why these type of dynamics often exist. Problem is, this dynamic breeds resentment. It's simple. Stop "helping" him.

I tried to help him

trying to help him.