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Bshapiro89

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Hi all! I am new to this site but it seems like it could help me. So I have a new boyfriend who I have been dating for a few months, and everything is great. At the beginning of us, we obviously talked a great deal about just everything, but one of the things he had asked me was if I celebrated Christmas and holidays, and I said well yeah I have my whole life (my family is catholic) and he doesn’t. He doesn’t spend it with his family and he doesn’t get them gifts. He just has his own views on it and that’s fine with me. I had been in a relationship before and it was a lot of friction and arguing, and I now realize trying to argue with someone about something doesn’t change their mind, it just creates more friction. So I’m trying to be very level headed in this one. And just try to accept more about a person, because everyone is different. When thanksgiving came around, I didn’t bother asking him to come to my family’s for dinner, so that was never an issue. But Christmas is right around the corner, and my family loves him, and is already in the process of making foods they know he loves.. and I haven’t asked him if he’s coming yet... I’m kind of nervous bc it’s a touchy subject with him. He’s already gotten me gifts but gave them to me already bc he really didn’t want to give them to me “just because it’s Christmas”. He says “doing things for me on a daily basis like you do is what matters to me. I don’t need Christmas for me to get you things and vise versa” question is... considering all that.. if he doesn’t come, should I be upset? Should I support him and want to make his holiday easier (seeing that it’s clearly a hard time for one reason or another for him) but it would also make me sad to see my siblings and their partners at dinner and me without mine. Yes, I think he should come with me ... but I know having a boyfriend/girlfriend who don’t do well with holidays is a common topic... so I was just wondering if anyone else had any insight or ideas

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How long have you been dating? All you can do is invite him and if he declines you know that you're not compatible in terms of values, goals, family, holidays, etc. It's not too soon or too late to cut your losses. Dating is precisely for this reason...to sort out if someone is compatible and suitable.

 

So far he seems to fall short regarding your values. Is he a hardcore anti-holiday or anti-religion type guy or just anti-family? Is he the rebel without a cause type? What else is he against? If Christmas is too 'establishment' for him how does he feel about marriage, kids, money, etc? It sounds like he enjoys being difficult.

. He doesn’t spend it with his family and he doesn’t get them gifts. But Christmas is right around the corner.. and I haven’t asked him if he’s coming yet. He’s already gotten me gifts but gave them to me already bc he really didn’t want to give them to me “just because it’s Christmas”.
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I also would like to know how long you've been dating. If its only a couple of months then I wouldn't consider it an issue but if you've been dating for a year and he's still not going to celebrate holidays with you and your family then you'd be smart to dump him. Are you going to never be with your partner on holidays for a lifetime if he's so against celebrating that he wouldn't do visits ever?

 

Next time he gives you something before the holiday, tell him you're not opening it until the actual event because YOU like to celebrate on the day...

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Been with my now wife for coming up no 6 years. We still spend holidays separate most the time. She almost always visits her family. It's about 50/50 whether I'll make the travel to mine. We're family planning now, so we'll have to incorporate some politics in navigating the holidays jointly soon enough. But for now, depending how ridiculous the work season has been leading into the holidays, sometimes it's really just nice to have a week to myself while she enjoys her family and friends back home. Could be the same story for him. Or he might be happy to go if you asked. I wouldn't take offense if he decided not to, though. Especially for how early in you two are. Family Christmas is pretty conventionally considered a big move.

 

Curious though why you'd have to resist "arguing" with him over it and why you need to take on any effort to "keep a level head" about it? It seems you have more an issue with these differing values than he does. Or is he making a habit of ****ting on other people's cheer?

 

FWIW, my wife's Christian and I'm the furthest from it. It's not an issue for us, though. For others it is, and that's fine. Just means you find someone more compatible.

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I see no reason to get upset with him if he doesnt want to go to your family's home on Christmas. You already know how he feels about Christmas. Why would that make you angry? Seems immature on your part to not accept him for who he is. Just ask him if he's going to go with you or not. It's not argument worthy in any way. If his lack of interest is too much for you, then he's not the guy for you.

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It has only been a few months, I could be jumping the gun because I haven’t even asked him yet... but I just think in past relationships i did a lot of arguing when I didn’t get my way. I emotionally reacted to a lot of things, instead of taking a few minutes and actually thinking about why I’m getting upset or even if it’s as simple as wording something different than I would have if I just got pissed bc he tells me no. It’s a flaw of mine that I knew I needed to work on. I just never had to deal with someone who didn’t like holidays. The holidays aren’t a big deal to me, I don’t care whether to open Christmas presents on Christmas, I just like time with my family. I’m not a religious person.

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In a serious relationship both people have to compromise but they shouldn't have to compromise values. He can be at your family's house during a holiday without compromising his values but I wouldn't for example, make him go to a service at a place of worship that wasn't his religion if that went against his belief system. My sister for example doesn't celebrate holidays and hates to eat at other people's houses or in front of people. But this year for Thanksgiving her daughter's family was invited to a family's home -and they also invited my sister. So my sister compromised and she went - she explained beforehand that she wouldn't eat anything and the family was totally cool with that. She did it so she could be with her daughter and grandchildren, and also to help her daughter with watching the kids so her daughter could enjoy.

 

So I think you have to figure out if this is about incompatible values where he feels going to someone's home for Christmas compromises his values or whether it's more of a "it's not what I'm used to/not how I grew up". If only the latter I think he should show some flexibility.

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I suggest you ask him because you're not giving him much time to decide and he may make other plans on you thinking that you're not sussed to include him in any of your plans. When you ask him, don't expect him to give you what you want because like I said, it's only been a couple of months and he may not be comfortable spending time with your people just yet. If he NEVER wants to do a holiday with you, well then you have a problem worth contemplating if you're with the right person for you.

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Christmas comes along once a year. Is it that important to you?

 

I personally don't get the people who rush to put up a tree the day after Halloween and spend 6 weeks celebrating. But I do enjoy the family gathering we do.

 

I don't know, do you want to end this dating situation over just one day out of the entire year?

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I don't see a problem with it ...he has said that he doesn't ...so he doesn't ....so you already said you think he should come with you ....that should be his red flag that you are not ok with it .

 

however ...moving forward ....this is where I kinda jump to your side ...........

 

If this turns out to be love , marriage , kids etc etc I would personally be very clear that Christmas will be celebrated in the home , the kids will have stockings , leave a pie for santa , house looking like a grotto , mince pies rammed in your mouth every ten minutes and that for me ...is a none negotiable ...these are things you can't ask him about because your relationship is still too young ..but you think about how the homelife would be and is it a case that you carry on around him as long as he doesn't get involved ....

 

I have a friend who for religious reasons doesn't celebreate b/day or Christmas and he refused once to come to my house all the while I had my decorarions and tree up ..I said well don't then !!! end of ..but this was a friendship not a relationship .

 

Right now , I am with him though ...no he shouldn't have to come and be with your family over Christmas .

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Do not push him and do not force him.

 

Relationships are about two people's feelings...not just yours.

 

You knew that he does not celebrate christmas, he made no secret about it. Respect his wishes. Love is accepting the other person even if they are different from you and not trying to force them to do as you want.

 

If you cannot or will not accept, then end things with him.

 

Also, you as his girlfriend need to tell your family that he does not celebrate christmas and will most likely not be coming. They can't be guilting him into anything either.

This really does come down to respecting someone's differences.

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If this turns out to be love , marriage , kids etc etc I would personally be very clear that Christmas will be celebrated in the home , the kids will have stockings , leave a pie for santa , house looking like a grotto , mince pies rammed in your mouth every ten minutes and that for me ...is a none negotiable ...these are things you can't ask him about because your relationship is still too young ..but you think about how the homelife would be and is it a case that you carry on around him as long as he doesn't get involved ...

 

Yes, defo...if it's a marriage and you have set ideas on how you want Christmas to go, then this is not your guy.

 

If it'a a boyfriend, don't push.

You've already admitted that you lose your temper on not getting your own way. I hope you've changed because that won't ever work for anything in life.

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I don't see a problem with it ...he has said that he doesn't ...so he doesn't ....so you already said you think he should come with you ....that should be his red flag that you are not ok with it .

 

however ...moving forward ....this is where I kinda jump to your side ...........

 

If this turns out to be love , marriage , kids etc etc I would personally be very clear that Christmas will be celebrated in the home , the kids will have stockings , leave a pie for santa , house looking like a grotto , mince pies rammed in your mouth every ten minutes and that for me ...is a none negotiable ...these are things you can't ask him about because your relationship is still too young ..but you think about how the homelife would be and is it a case that you carry on around him as long as he doesn't get involved ....

 

I have a friend who for religious reasons doesn't celebreate b/day or Christmas and he refused once to come to my house all the while I had my decorarions and tree up ..I said well don't then !!! end of ..but this was a friendship not a relationship .

 

Right now , I am with him though ...no he shouldn't have to come and be with your family over Christmas .

All of it's gold, but the emboldened quote is indeed de wey for me. We've fully embraced the much more flexible pre-kids era of our relationship and now marriage. Default is we each just go to our own families. I think there have been maybe two we joined each other on over the years. But just as well, sometimes one of us just wants to take a self-care holiday. Neither of us gets offended because of a strange obligation to join the other person's family if we're not going to our own. So especially in that sense, I'm not a big fan of, "Well he's not celebrating with his family, ergo he should celebrate with yours."

 

At the end of the day, there are long term implications we couldn't begin to take a stab at with him. As it stands, 1) he doesn't celebrate Christmas, and 2) you two are way earlier in than most folks are when they celebrate a conventionally major family holiday with their partner's family. Plenty of reason within just one of those for him to kindly say no, were he to.

 

But again, don't ignore your own preferences. I admit I'm probably a lot more like him than you, but if his expressed attitude of wanting to give gifts or to celebrate for no particular holiday or reason ends up spilling over into other holidays and occasions, you're well within your rights to find someone more suitable. It'd be as good a reason as any, I suppose.

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This is what I think you should do ...

 

Invite him just once ...*you're welcome to come to my parents * ...he is obviously going to decline ..then you say ok I will see you on * whatever day* and say no more , no tanturms , sarcastic comments , probing , hinting or making any kind of deal out of it ...

 

Then just simply carry on your relationship and see where it goes , what he is like in other ways , maybe a bit more will come out of why he objects so much.

 

The holidays aren’t a big deal to me, I don’t care whether to open Christmas presents on Christmas, I just like time with my family. I’m not a religious person.

 

by your own admission this isn't a massive deal to you either ...so it shouldn't be a problem in the here and now ..just see how the weeks progress and think about what we have all said .

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I'd invite him, but wouldn't make a big deal about it.

 

I'll be honest, Christmas is important to me so therefore I'd seek someone with similar views or a willingness to compromise. I really enjoy spending time with loved ones during the holidays, so does most of my family. Those few that don't particularly care about this commercial festivity make an effort and show up. It's a big gesture on their part. I know acquaintances from other cultures that have joined in the Christmas fun, simply to spend time with friends.

 

How important is Christmas to you and for him to be there with you?

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This is problematic if family reunions and traditions are important to you and it sounds like it is. I am the same way. I'm married. My family, relatives and in-laws and us get together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and this year we're hosting an early New Year's party the day after Christmas due to accommodating a few of the younger generation such as my son and niece (my sister's daughter). We cook a lot of delicious meals and it's all about family including relatives and in-laws who fly to our homes only a few times a year at best.

 

If I were in a relationship or married to a party pooper this would definitely be a problem because one of us will have to do without special occasions for family get togethers.

 

In your case, you are the one who must back down time and time again in order to accommodate your boyfriend and his preferences. He will not change for you so you are the one who must concede always. If it's acceptable for you to sacrifice your family traditions around the holidays, then you'll forever yield to him. If it were me, I would definitely not be fine with this arrangement. He will not change for you ever. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to always bend, always do without and always conduct your life and habits according to what he wants.

 

Either accept your boyfriend the way he is or be with a man who wants normal family togetherness and celebrates holiday traditions with you.

 

And, should you marry this boyfriend of yours and you decide to have children, then what? This problem is here to stay and will not go away. You'll have to address this same old problem again for years to come.

 

Therefore, either remain silent and never complain about this or get out. He's digging his heels and adamant about his ways. You have your way and what you grew up with.

 

You don't have any wiggle room on this one. If you want to make your boyfriend happy, you have to stay home with him, forgo gift giving for Christmas, opt out of holiday meals with family, either he, you or both of you will be in non-attendance and you'll have to go against everything you enjoy.

 

You'll feel separated from your family and will drift apart from them as they will from you. Or, you can see them for the holidays and special occasions while you leave your boyfriend at home but what fun is that? He's not with you during these special times with family. I wouldn't like it at all; too weird, too abnormal.

 

Either live with it and acquiesce all the time or find a man who will be your partner and be there for you including the holidays and special family occasions.

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Either accept your boyfriend the way he is or be with a man who wants normal family togetherness and celebrates holiday traditions with you.

 

You'll feel separated from your family and will drift apart from them as they will from you. Or, you can see them for the holidays and special occasions while you leave your boyfriend at home but what fun is that? He's not with you during these special times with family. I wouldn't like it at all; too weird, too abnormal.

 

Either live with it and acquiesce all the time or find a man who will be your partner and be there for you including the holidays and special family occasions.

 

Yes, but who defines normal? Obviously you, as anything different to what you believe is abnormal. Religious wars are started on that kind of sentiment.

 

I don't celebrate christmas, as I don't believe in it from a religious standpoint. Apparently that makes me a grinch - and abnormal - because I don't follow what everyone else believes I should do. I don't want to spoil what anyone else does, to try to fundimentally break down christmas, I just enjoy not being a part of the season. That is how I live and I don't force that on anyone else. To me, this IS normal.

 

I live on the other side of the world from my family and I'll facetime them on christmas (it will be christmas eve for me) because I know they will want to hear from me. I very rarely go back 'home'. I don't celebrate birthdays, and we don't have a thanksgiving. This is my choice. However, if I had a partner, I would likely compromise my beliefs to accommodate them, and have with previous partners. But I will not be forced to do anything against my will just because that is what other people find normal.

 

So, if you just must defintely have your way and force him to come and enjoy these events, because you do, then you are not in for a pleasant relationship. If you are happy to do your thing and him do his thing, then you might be surprised at how accommodating he could be in the future. But, if you just have to have a man sheep who will put on the silly christmas jumper on Dec 1 and not take it off, who will be the life of every christmas party with eggnog and party poppers, then go find a man like that.

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I don't celebrate christmas, as I don't believe in it from a religious standpoint. Apparently that makes me a grinch - and abnormal - because I don't follow what everyone else believes I should do. I don't want to spoil what anyone else does, to try to fundimentally break down christmas, I just enjoy not being a part of the season. That is how I live and I don't force that on anyone else. To me, this IS normal.

 

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't "do" Christmas. For me, it is associated with a lot of bad memories and trauma, so I prefer to have as little to do with Christmas as possible. Have you ever considered that he may have deep-seated reasons for not wanting to participate? If he really doesn't enjoy Christmas, then spending time with your folks on Christmas Day would be excruciating for him. Nobody should be pressured into participating in something they've made clear to you that they don't want to be part of, so you can say he's been invited over, but that you totally understand if he'd rather not and leave it at that. If Christmas really isn't a big deal for you then his answer shouldn't really matter. You admit that you would argue any time you didn't get your own way, but it sounds like you now realise that won't endear you in any relationship and can accept that other people's point of view matters as much as yours. If there is any room for compromise, then good - maybe he could visit your folks between Christmas and New Year instead.

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You need to start being honest with yourself. It's a big deal..or it's not? You'll fight to the death over...what? Are you on the rebound? It sounds like this guy is new and you're still quite angry about someone else.

 

The fact that this is brand new and you are already stating that you have to "deal with" something about him is quite telling. You may as well get on dating apps now because this is never going to work out. And it's not because of holidays. You both sound quite rigid and somewhat immature and intolerant in your views on all this.

I just think in past relationships i did a lot of arguing when I didn’t get my way. I just never had to deal with someone who didn’t like holidays.
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What it comes down to is, women are sometimes more romantic than men. This guy is extremely unromantic when it comes to holidays and does not want to visit family.

 

But relationships are give and take - I think he should work a little harder and go with you on family get togethers. But that's probably just wishful thinking.

 

I guess it's just something you'll have to decide - whether you can live with it or not.

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Why can't he just come, and treat it like a family dinner? If he completely can't come because he opposes Christmas, this relationship will not last. Think of your kids. Spending it with a scrooge; you just can't. Religion is one of the biggest values you must have in common; either you respect that you have different ones or don't, or you have the same.

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