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Ex Wife Moving In With Alcoholic


Skeptic76

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My ex wife (43) and I (44) divorced in 2013. We have two kids (boy 18 and girl 12) who live primarily with me but stay with their mother every other weekend.

 

A few weeks ago she started dating a man I know, who is very handsome, has a HUGE heart and is really funny. He’d be a great pick, except he’s a blackout drinker who commonly does the things alcoholics do such as pass out outside, go to jail, lose control of his bowels (yes, it’s really that severe,) etc.

 

Although I don’t really understand her choice of this guy as somebody to date (they started going out a few weeks ago) it’s truly none of my business and I don’t need to understand or approve. The issue for me is that I learned yesterday that she plans to move in with him at his father’s house (his brother also lives there.) I have some strong feelings about my kids being exposed to that sort of hard drinking environment. Things like “Does he drive drunk? Is he abusive in any way (such as violence or sexually) when he is wasted?” keep crowding into my mind.

 

I’m interested in hearing different approaches to this situation and I’m an open book for questions or additional context.

 

Thanks!

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As it happens we actually have a court date to modify custody in January. It was actually meant to provide her with more parenting time, but if the situation goes the way she’s saying it will with this guy then of course it will be an opportunity to bring the facts out with the court at that time.

 

I’m looking forward to hearing how you wise people think it would be advisable to discuss things with her. I haven’t said a word yet. Just took in the news and spent a few days processing...but now I want to raise my concerns with her. I understand that she’ll do what she does and that’s not under my control, but I feel like it’s fair to speak my piece at a minimum.

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Read some articles on risks of sexual abuse against children. Here's a statistic from one article: Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk; they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents.

 

Not only will your children be around one non-biological man in the home, they will be exposed to three. Your poor children, being subject to this type of risk by a mother who lacks the common sense to keep them away from harm by moving in with someone she barely knows, and with his dealbreaker addiction on top of that.

 

I would definitely be in emergency mode right now. I'd ask her for a meeting right now to discuss your concerns, and if she doesn't agree to a safe alternative that doesn't involve your children staying at a stranger's home, then you should definitely be seeking sole custody with supervised visits for her, since she's not taking her children's best interests to heart.

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Anything you say to her about that man will be interpreted by her as you being jealous and bitter.

 

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Is your wife going to think that, *Skeptic*? You know how she will react better than us and if that is the case, then yes of course don't bring it up with her at all. You are asking how to bring it up to her so I assumed that you two are on good terms and she knows you are genuinely concerned for the kids well being and not just being petty as you asked this ...

 

I’m looking forward to hearing how you wise people think it would be advisable to discuss things with her.
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We are on good terms and have been for several years. Doing occasional family activities together, dinners and whatnot. And as mentioned the court date we have in January was originally a mutually agreed upon modification to give her MORE time with the kids.

 

I can see where bolt might be coming from, but she told me (nervously) that she was dating this guy weeks ago because a) I know him from an organization we both attend and b) that means I know how bad his alcoholism really is; for sure she knows I’m not bitter or jealous. She’s had several boyfriends since we divorced and I’ve gotten along with all of them.

 

We didn’t use lawyers for our divorce, we went to mediation and came up with our own plan - and we saved a ton of money (and ill will) that way! Not involving a lawyer at this juncture, either.

 

So far I feel like the best thing to do is just to share my concerns for my kids with her. Matter of factly and in a spirit of cooperation so we can come to terms together. I’m not in a place to tell her what she can and can’t do but if I clearly state that I find the situation she will be putting my kids in to be objectionable, then I will be preserving other options as a father down the line.

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Yeah, my son turned 18 on Saturday and we live in the United States so according to the law here he will not be included on further orders.

 

At this point nothing has happened to merit supervised visitation. I don’t believe that would contribute to my kids’ sense of stability or security, either. I think the only thing it would accomplish is to engender a contentious environment where there has been cooperation and a sense of family. I’m not opposed to doing anything it takes, but that option seems extremely premature to me at this point.

 

I’m waiting until after Christmas (this is the first time in many years that the kids are going to be with their mom for the holiday, no need to taint it by possibly putting her into defensive mode days before) and then I’m going to meet with her and ask some questions to better understand the situation, lay out any concerns I have and then just listen. Once I hear her out and get a better understanding of the landscape then I will be able to reassess and take any indicated action.

 

For now it has been really good to have this forum to spill things in black and white to some insightful folks, “take a breath” and really gain some perspective on the situation. Thank you everyone for reading and contributing - pretty awesome

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Your Ex= SELFISH!

 

Anyone who would put their children at risk for their own sexual satisfaction is not fit to be a parent.

 

Petition the court, get a good lawyer... crush her. She does not deserve a say in this!

 

Lol, trust me I get the sentiment.

 

But I’m not much of “crush them” kind of person. I do my best to always be a “lift them up” kind of guy. I do understand that you can’t reason with the unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean I need to punish them...

 

If when I have as many of the facts as I can get it becomes clear that I need to intervene then I will. It’s how I ended up the primary parent in the first place.

 

I do appreciate the validation that this is something significant and upsetting...always good to get a check on my feelings when they get stirred up.

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Putting your daughter in a house with 3 strange men, at least one who is an alcoholic, just so you won't ruffle your wife's feathers and hoping for the best is being neglectful. I would probably offer her the use of your place while you go spend every other weekend elsewhere instead of throwing your daughter into a wolves den.

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Putting your daughter in a house with 3 strange men, at least one who is an alcoholic, just so you won't ruffle your wife's feathers and hoping for the best is being neglectful. I would probably offer her the use of your place while you go spend every other weekend elsewhere instead of throwing your daughter into a wolves den.

 

I think maybe you jumped in a little bit late into the thread, or perhaps I wasn’t clear. Let me explain for you though :)

 

It is my ex wife’s intent to move in there. At this time, it hasn’t happened. I’ve been in the trenches with her before, and it’s how I ended up with custody of the kids. For the past several years I’ve been a full-time single father, Andrina. I’m willing and able and capable of fighting the good fights for my kids. And, as you will notice, I even went to the lengths of posting a thread asking for advice on how to approach the PROPOSED situation...one could surmise that I am aware of potential risks?

 

I’m glad you feel passionate about this too, and I appreciate your willingness to contribute! However I am not neglectful nor spineless. I simply prefer to do things with tact and dignity as much as I’m able to.

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Unfortunately you can't tell your exwife what to do. She can use whatever bad judgement she has, sadly. So there is no 'approaching it' when it comes to her. All you can do is continue to keep very open lines of communication with your kids especially the 12 y/o.

 

For example how do they feel about this prospect? Why not go to family therapy, just you and the 12 y/o? What about the 18 y/o? What are his thoughts on it? He can do whatever he wants including never going to this man's house or having anything to do with any of this mess or custody etc.. Is he thinking about going away to college? That may be a good option for him..

I’ve been in the trenches with her before, and it’s how I ended up with custody of the kids. how to approach the PROPOSED situation.
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Unfortunately you can't tell your exwife what to do. She can use whatever bad judgement she has, sadly. So there is no 'approaching it' when it comes to her. All you can do is continue to keep very open lines of communication with your kids especially the 12 y/o.

 

For example how do they feel about this prospect? Why not go to family therapy, just you and the 12 y/o? What about the 18 y/o? What are his thoughts on it? He can do whatever he wants including never going to this man's house or having anything to do with any of this mess or custody etc.. Is he thinking about going away to college? That may be a good option for him..

 

I agree with a large portion of what you said. I don’t agree that it’s unfortunate and sad that I can’t control my ex wife though; I can hardly manage my own dang life, haha. It’s actually a relief that I needn’t be in control of anything other than my own behavior...but I’m being a devil’s advocate there because I do understand and jibe with the spirit of what you’re saying.

 

If you are saying I should not give my opinion to my ex wife, I am going to disregard this advice. It doesn’t matter in the least if she values what I have to say, but open and honest communication with my kids AND with her have served me well so far and I’m not ready to abandon an approach that hasn’t failed to yield peace of mind, self respect and an amicable co-parenting relationship.

 

I like the idea of going back into counseling with my daughter. It’s been several years since we availed ourselves of that service.

 

Yes, as stated several times in the thread it is the law in my country that the 18 y/o is a legal adult and not included in custody orders. He is currently attending community college and has one more semester before he can begin his transfer paperwork. He’s a good kid.

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Yes, you have say if your children are going to live with unrelated adults.

 

If you are saying I should not give my opinion to my ex wife, I am going to disregard this advice. It doesn’t matter in the least if she values what I have to say, but open and honest communication with my kids AND with her have served me well so far and I’m not ready to abandon an approach that hasn’t failed to yield peace of mind, self respect and an amicable co-parenting relationship.

 

You can express concern without "showing your hand".

 

i would not tell her that you are also going to tell the judge or mediator that you do not want your children, particularly your daughter, to live with (even if only on weekends) a situation with 2 men not related to them. That you are requesting that mom does not have her overnight. You do not wish to interfere with mom meeting someone and having a relationship, but with the father of the guy unknown to you and because of the shortness of the relationship, you are opposed. If you strike first, you are less likely to come off as jealous and if she does go stay at that house, you would have to prove something bad happened to forbid it after the fact.

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You can express concern without "showing your hand".

 

If this is broached properly I will also gather a lot of useful information which will inform me for the next indicated action, whatever that may turn out to be.

 

You and I think alike on this particular topic, thank you for contributing.

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I’m worried in particular about driving (both kids got a reminder to never, ever get in the car with someone who’s been drinking,) and increased potential for violence or sexual abuse.

 

Naturally the living conditions in the proposed environment sound “less than ideal” as well.

 

The other things that concern me are, as was brought out in prior comments, out of my control. The example of self-worth and priorities that my ex is setting for her daughter (and her son) through her dating choices...

 

We have a phone call later tonight and I’m going to matter of factly mention my discomfort with the proposed change and then just listen.

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I’m worried in particular about driving (both kids got a reminder to never, ever get in the car with someone who’s been drinking,) and increased potential for violence or sexual abuse.

 

Naturally the living conditions in the proposed environment sound “less than ideal” as well.

 

The other things that concern me are, as was brought out in prior comments, out of my control. The example of self-worth and priorities that my ex is setting for her daughter (and her son) through her dating choices...

 

We have a phone call later tonight and I’m going to matter of factly mention my discomfort with the proposed change and then just listen.

 

For sure I think the greater potential is that she is modeling bad examples.

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