Not feeling it anymore - long distance and not officially dating - advice?

Hi all,

Thanks for reading (long, but shorter summary towards the top).

I guess 'breaking up advice' is the best place to post this...

I’ve been ‘involved’ with a woman for about 4 months now – we’re not officially dating, as we don’t live in the same place and have just seen each other in person for a couple stretches of a few days at a time. We built our connection mostly through text conversation over a couple of months, and it started with great conversations which got hot and heavy and intimate, but I just haven’t felt it quite as much in person and now I don’t really want to continue but she’s definitely more attached and I really don’t want to hurt her (too much – I sadly know that I’m going to have to, but I haven’t been able to tell her and get really anxious thinking about it. I feel like it’s at a decision point, and I don’t know how to best proceed.

Long story short here/ more details below:

I met her online, we chatted long distance for a while and built as much of a connection as you really can over text/phone. When we met in person, I wasn’t as attracted to her as I had hoped to be, but wanted to see if that attraction would grow. We’ve met up a couple times for a few days at a time each, but I didn’t get more excited about her or feel my attraction grow – even though the initial conversational connection felt really good. Now we have another short trip planned together (she was excited to plan something, and I couldn’t bring myself to say no or that I didn’t think it was a great idea. I thought I’d want to give it another chance for my feelings to grow when we spent more time together, but it’s now been more than a month since we’ve last seen each other, and I really don’t feel it. I know I’ve withdrawn a bit in terms of my communication, but she still initiates conversations almost every day. She hasn’t asked straight up if I’m still into it, and I haven’t told her that I’m not – because I kept hoping I’d feel it more when seeing her again, and because I feel like it’s poor etiquette and inconsiderate to tell someone that over the phone after we’ve built a bit of a connection (conversation should be in person, etc). We have another few days together planned coming up, and I’m pretty sure at this point my feelings aren’t going to change. I want to feel more strongly about her/attracted to her, but I just don’t and haven’t been able to get there. I’m going to see her for a few days in a few days, and don’t know how to handle it/afraid that I won’t have the courage to bring it up and tell her how I really feel. It’s been hard for me to stay excited about it, between the lack of growing attraction and the distance/time, and where I feel guilty that I feel the way I do and that I’m not really into it. I’m really unsure what to do, and could use thoughts/advice on how to handle this without hurting her too too much… I feel really badly about where I feel I am. The more detailed version of the story is below. Thanks in advance!

Longer version: We connected on a dating app at the end of the summer when I passed through the city where she was living. We didn’t meet up then in person, but began chatting via text, which turned into chatting almost every day and then every day, often with hours long text conversations at night before we’d go to sleep. Right from the start there was sexual chemistry via text, and the conversations turned very sexual very quickly (although with lots of other things talked about too. A month after we started texting, I flew to her city for a weekend, met her for the first time, and stayed with her. It was fun, but I didn’t leave feeling as attracted in person as I had hoped or thought I would from her pictures and our conversations. I felt terrible that I wasn’t as physically attracted to her in person as I had expected to, and wanted to try and see if the attraction built up with more time spent together. We slept together that weekend, but I wasn’t really feeling a powerful attraction. She was so sweet to me, got me snacks that I like before I got there, and wrote me a really nice note when I left. We kept talking regularly after that, and I hoped my attraction to her would build. A month later we met up for a 4 day road trip (she was moving away from that city and was planning to do a ‘nomadic season’ driving around the country, starting with driving form her city to mine, so I went along for that part. The trip was mostly fun, but I didn’t feel the attraction building over that time either, and it felt like a lot of intense time together. The plan was for her to spend a week in my city, do a weekend trip together to a spot near my home, and for her to continue on her ‘nomadic’ road trip solo.

When we got to my city, thorough a series of events, she discovered that her driver’s license was in fact not valid. She had gotten a DUI a few months prior in the state she was living in at the time, and she thought she was only forbidden from driving in that state, but in fact her licensing state, which is different, had recently been informed of the offense and invalidated her license for the remainder of the 1 year period she was banned from driving in the state where it occurred. I live entirely across the country from where her family is and where her license was issued. So she flew back there for a DMV appointment and to try and clear it up, and left her car in storage where I live. When she got back there, she found out there’s no way at all that she’s allowed to drive for another 6 months – anywhere. I didn’t know about any of this before the end of our road trip, when she found out that she couldn’t drive and told me. But her car is in my city, and she doesn’t want to keep paying the storage fees every month.

We continued to talk after that, but by that point my interest just didn’t really feel like it was there much anymore. I’ve tried to become more excited about, but between the lack of growing attraction and the distance/time, I feel a lot less enthusiastic about it than I did when we started chatting. What sucks is that I get the sense she’s a lot more enthusiastic about it than I am at this point. We had talked about taking a quick trip together around the holidays, and I was hoping that maybe I’d feel more of the excitement or passion. We ended up planning something for a few days, which is coming up this week.

I’ve had a good time with her, and have thought that another getaway together could be fun, but as it gets close, I just don’t feel the desire to really try to build anything beyond the upcoming trip.

Admittedly, my own interest level came across as much higher in our earlier conversations, and so I also feel guilty that I led her on at that point (but I thought there would be a lot more mutual attraction/connection in person, or that it would build with more time spent together). She texts me most days, and I get the sense she’s frustrated/annoyed that I’m not as enthusiastic about texting back and forth as she is, or as we were when it started. I feel worn out on constant text conversations, feeling the need to text her as much as she texts me, or to text back immediately. I haven’t felt the rapport continue to build just over text/phone since the last time we saw each other. I get that my behavior maybe isn’t fair to her, but I can’t fake that enthusiasm – and at the same time, haven’t wanted to hurt her seemingly without a reason other than just not feeling as enthusiastic as I feel that I should. I’m concerned that she might suggest coming to my city for the next 6 months or so since her car is here and that way she could at least have it out of storage, but I’m not comfortable with her moving here and me feeling that I’d be the only person she knows here while I already have a full life (work, friends) here.

I’m really not sure how to handle the upcoming getaway with her – I don’t want to hurt her, she’s really nice to me, likely more into it than I am, and while I have tried hard to not mislead her by anything I have said, I’ve honestly been hedging and hoping that my feelings would grow, but having been apart for all but 8 days or so of the 4 months we’ve been talking, they’ve gone in the opposite direction. She’s a kind, genuine person, so I want to minimize the hurt (and yes, I realize I’ve made mistakes in drawing it out too long I suppose), but I’m really at a loss for how to proceed. I do care about her, but given the situation, I don’t see it being fair to either of us to move forward without being certain that I want to build a relationship with her, and I just don’t feel that way. She hasn’t been unreasonable at all, and has been thoughtful towards me.

Advice/insights/thoughts much appreciated! Thanks!!

What do you think would be more cruel...being honest with her about how you don't feel you two are a match after all, or pretending you feel the same way she does, perhaps for years?

She will survive, but if you choose to be dishonest it will be much harder for her to recover from.

What do you think would be more cruel...being honest with her about how you don't feel you two are a match after all, or pretending you feel the same way she does, perhaps for years?

 

She will survive, but if you choose to be dishonest it will be much harder for her to recover from.

Thanks, yeah I definitely don't want/plan to be dishonest or pretend to feel something I don't (I couldn't do that and fake feelings at all). It's more that I feel super guilty that I DON'T feel how I would have hoped to feel about her, and that the intermittent nature of our time together seems to have added to my not feeling it/feelings not developing. I kept hoping feelings would develop more, and I feel worn out and anxious from wanting to get there but not getting there, and from knowing that the truth about my feelings (or lack thereof) will hurt her. I'm struggling to feel ok discussing it with her, and since we're not in the same place, it seems callous to not have a conversation in person, but at the same time I feel guilty that it'll need to be on our upcoming getaway (but that's the only way we're able to see each other in person right now).

I definitely appreciate this insight, and am seeking guidance/advice/thoughts around how to approach it and what/when in order to try and minimize the pain for her and recognize that she's poured more emotion into it than I've been able to. I'm not debating whether to be honest with her or not - I'm struggling with how to do it and not feel so super terrible about myself.

She texts me most days, and I get the sense she’s frustrated/annoyed that I’m not as enthusiastic about texting back and forth as she is, or as we were when it started

I suggest you go on the getaway as planned, because pulling out now would be very hurtful, and put in an amount of effort commensurate with your level (or lack) of feeling.

If she asks about moving cities, and in with you, tell her the truth - you don't want that.

If she asks about a long term relationship, tell her the truth.

An increasing sense of dissatisfaction on her part will likely see her end this anyway.

She can find a new guy who can fly over with her and drive her car back.

Well, the good news is, that since you are not attracted to her, the breakup won't hurt you.

It would really stink to have to go on a trip with her. You just have to tell her you are not interested in more than friends.

A long distance relationship that starts online ends online .

Do NOT go on this trip with her!!!

Imagine the fact that she has told her friends and family about the excitement of this trip and then asking her when she gets home how it was and she then has to embarrassingly say he dumped me there!!!

There is not one person that would not say what an ass!!

Why couldn’t he have ended it before the trip and give her the option of going alone or planning something else.

Call her and call it off already! Now!!

You might not have intended to lead her on in the beginning but that’s exactly what you are doing now. So stop doing that!

It’s been only 16 weeks. She WILL be fine!!

Two dates and some texts over 16 weeks doesn't need this much deliberation. Just set both yourselves free to continue dating local people. Just tell her it was fun and wish her well.

I’ve been ‘involved’ with a woman for about 4 months now – we’re not officially dating, as we don’t live in the same place and have just seen each other in person for a couple stretches of a few days at a time. We built our connection mostly through text conversation over a couple of months,

I see that you're an extremely empathetic person. That said, there's no getting around hurting a person's feelings when breaking up. All that needs to be said: "I've enjoyed our time together, but unfortunately I'm not feeling what I should for the longterm relationship I'm seeking."

Speaking for myself, I'd like a phone call in this situation with that explanation. I would definitely not want to be taking days off for a trip and buying new clothes and being excited expecting romance and to then be told that.

If she read what you wrote, she wouldn't want to be with you one second more. People survive breakups, mourning and then healing. It's a part of life. In the future, date locally so that you can date at a normal pace and not worry about someone moving by you and not knowing anyone, which as you can see, is a daunting prospect. It's also a lot less expensive to date locally, and you can get to know who a person is far sooner.

I don't know why you're so preoccupied with minimizing her pain. I think you have a somewhat infantile view of this woman and her capabilities. Is this possibly due to her indiscretions, mistakes (I understand which are human), the DUI, or a feeling like she's a damsel in distress? In my culture, she'd be termed "tofu". Pardon for how crude that sounds in this type of Caucasian dialogue. I'm aware of that but I think you're unusually predispositioned to treating her like a child.

I'd take a step back and start treating yourself and her as adults. She's capable of handling herself. You are too. Have faith and end it.

Two dates and some texts over 16 weeks doesn't need this much deliberation. Just set both yourselves free to continue dating local people. Just tell her it was fun and wish her well.

Thanks - I typically would not deliberate after a couple dates and some texts, but this seems like it's been much more than that. The 'few texts' were weeks to months worth of multi-hour text conversations almost daily, and the 'two dates' were a weekend together and a 4 day road trip, so about a week total of being together 24-7. I know that's not necessarily that much in a short time, but the time shared (and especially my sense of her desires/hopes for the future) make it feel like something much more significant than that, and it feels to me that the impact to her, based on what she's built up in her mind, will be more than just a 'typical' no-more-interest after a couple dates. Additionally, she's in a transitional phase of her life (chose to leave the city she was living in due to the restrictions on her driving (again, which I did not know about), is temporarily back home with her family, and doesn't have a next step planned out. While she hasn't stated it explicitly, I do feel like there's a part of her that's hoping to make the decision about her next step based on me - and that's something I wouldn't want anyone to do at this phase (after 4 months), even if my feelings were growing more than they are here. So all that to say a lot of my deliberation (I think) comes from the concern that for various reasons (and not denying my contribution to this early on by virtue of the quality/frequency of our conversations), she's become much more invested than I have, and much more than someone usually would be after that little time spent together.

This also gets to Rose Mosse's thoughts (sorry - I don't know how to reply to multiple quotes in one response), around why I'm so concerned about minimizing her pain: 1) I know it's a particularly tough time for her, and she's told me that meeting me helped make this a less terrible year for her, and that she was glad I could be her 'emotional support person;' and 2) she's been genuinely nice and sincere and thoughtful towards me, and it pains me to hurt someone in those circumstances. I know she's capable of handling herself, but I do feel extremely empathetic and have trouble bringing myself to a point where I inflict more pain on someone who's only been thoughtful towards me.

I definitely plan (and had previously planned) to only date local - it was sorta random that we connected, and the initial connection was so strong and enjoyable on both ends through conversation, that I wanted to see if it would keep building. Unfortunately in person, I didn't feel that keep building, but it seems that she did.

I guess essentially the message I need to give her is that I haven't felt that the initial connection carried over as strongly in person, I have had a lot of fun with her, but I'm not as excited or enthusiastic as I had hoped I'd be (or as she is), and that while I had hoped it would grow from spending fun times together, it just hasn't that much, and I realize it's not going to. It just pains me to say that to her, since there isn't anything concrete I can point to that she did wrong or could have done differently.

Anyway, thanks for the replies, and any additional thoughts welcome. I realize some of this challenge for me is my own empathy - which is something I struggle with in situations like this.

I think it's important to be honest with your partner and tell them the truth. The longer you wait the harder it will be. You have to let go of them online for yourself, but also for someone else because you are extremely selfish if you don't. You can't act like you have no way out, because you most certainly do.

I think it's important to be honest with your partner and tell them the truth. The longer you wait the harder it will be. You have to let go of them online for yourself, but also for someone else because you are extremely selfish if you don't. You can't act like you have no way out, because you most certainly do.

Thanks, yeah I definitely do plan to tell her, the harder part for me right now is getting up the courage to do so, and trying as hard as possible to minimize the hurt to her. I realize not doing so is selfish, but I don't want that anyway, so I have no interest in stringing her along. I realize there is a way out, and I'm not trying to act like there isn't - the hard thing for me right now is getting myself there and being ok with it.

I guess the advice/comfort I'm seeking is less in terms of what to do, and more in terms of how to do it/how to not feel so horrifically guilty over it. I know she'llpoint out that we seem like a great match on paper, and have similar intersts, goals that could align, and stuff like that. All of that adds to why I feel so guilty- there isn't a concrete reason that I'm not interested anymore, or anything in her behavior specifically that's driven me away. I don't have anything to explain to her about it other than that I don't feel the spark in person that I had been hoping to develop, and that my excitement about it has faded with the time/distance between us, and the time in person together hasn't sparked my attraction to a higher level.

I of course know that leading her on is crueler than telling her that I don't want to continue, but I know she's lonely, doesn't feel like she has a next step in life, and was hoping I'd be a part of that next step. I can't do that, and I hate imagining how hurtful it'll be for her to hear that.

I appreciate the responses here a lot - and I do know what I need to do. I'm just haivng a lot of trouble getting to the point where I can do it, so I guess that's where I'm looking for advice and guidance.

Thanks!

The longer you drag it out the more cruel it is. You're not really thinking of her feelings but how to avoid yours (guilt, fear, etc.). It's similar to a man who cheats and then lies about it, saying "well, I was trying to spare YOUR feelings!" when he really just doesn't want to deal with the consequences.

I can tell you when I was in a relationship with someone and I thought things were fine, then out of nowhere he told he "wasn't feeling it" and hadn't for a long time. I was crushed, partly because of disappointment but mainly because he waited so long to tell me. I asked him "why didn't you tell me sooner? I thought everything was fine because you never said anything!!!"

Don't be that guy.

Please be truly kind and tell her the truth. ASAP.

Someone else gave you a perfect script. It's in a previous post.

The longer you drag it out the more cruel it is. You're not really thinking of her feelings but how to avoid yours (guilt, fear, etc.). It's similar to a man who cheats and then lies about it, saying "well, I was trying to spare YOUR feelings!" when he really just doesn't want to deal with the consequences.

 

I can tell you when I was in a relationship with someone and I thought things were fine, then out of nowhere he told he "wasn't feeling it" and hadn't for a long time. I was crushed, partly because of disappointment but mainly because he waited so long to tell me. I asked him "why didn't you tell me sooner? I thought everything was fine because you never said anything!!!"

 

Don't be that guy.

 

Please be truly kind and tell her the truth. ASAP.

 

Someone else gave you a perfect script. It's in a previous post.

Thanks. I'm planning to have the conversation with her this week, I'm not trying or planning to drag it out. I feel like I'm thinking of her feelings in terms of how I can be as gentle and courteous as possible in telling her- and I guess that's what I'm looking for in terms of guidance. But I do understand what you're saying in terms of her feelings and your experience with your relationship situation that you describe.

I haven't seen her in over a month, and over that time whatever feelings I did have/thought might have the potential to grow have dissipated. It was just very recently when thinking about going away with her again that I realized for sure that "I really don't want this and my feelings arent going to get where I want them to." I didn't speak to her about it the second I realized that, but I haven't been dragging it out since recognizing that for sure. I get that its unfair that it took me a while to really realize it (based on our early conversations, how much we match on paper, and having had a *good* (although not *amazing*) time when I was with her in person before.

I'm trying to be respectful, and hence seeking the 'how to do that' guidance. I know I struggle with fearing that I'm letting someone down, and that it's something I need to work on myself moving forward. I'm going to tell her the truth about it now, but am struggling to do that.

I'm not sure what you're referring to as the perfect script that someone gave in a previous post per se - I feel like I need an explanation to giver her, and I don't really have one. She hasn't done anything wrong, and I feel like she's owed an explanation for why I feel the way I do, and I don't have that explanation, so I'm trying to get there without saying "the attraction never grew."

Anyway, thanks - all of this insight is helpful!

Post #8, first paragraph.

Post #8, first paragraph.

Thanks. THat's a good start, but I know she's going to want a detailed explanation and reasons behind why I feel the way I do and I don't have that in any specific way to tell her. Honestly, there's nothing exact I can put my finger on - just that I'm not excited, and I can't/don't want to put in the energy to continuing to see what can happen since I feel that my feelings won't grow. But I'm at a loss for the 'why' or specifics to tell her, beyond that I don't feel the 'spark' and attraction - but I feel like it's cruel to say that too...

There are no perfect words. You must be honest.

Don't drag this out waiting to find the perfect words.

Be honest.

Let me say that again.

Be honest.

Don't talk about your feelings. Simply expound on the distance being impractical . She doesn't need to hear about your lack of excitement, spark, etc. LDRs are problematic and everyone knows this. She will probably be as relived as you will be setting each other free to have real one-on-one in-person local relationships.

I know she's going to want a detailed explanation and reasons behind why I feel the way I do and I don't have that in any specific way to tell her. I'm at a loss for the 'why' or specifics to tell her, beyond that I don't feel the 'spark' and attraction

break ups are hard no matter what. And anyone with a heart will agonize over it. Just do it with as little commentary about feelings as possible.

Whatever you say, she will ruminate on. Something simple like, I've decided a long distance relationship is not for me. I hope you'll understand.

She may surprise you and take it on the chin and let go. Be strong. Ending a relationship is just that. You don't owe people a relationship you're not into no matter how cool they are.... anyone can dump anyone for any reason.

It sucks but, the sooner you do it and cut the ties completely (no waffling) the better off she'll be.

I think the lesson here is, you knew you weren't attracted but you went forward anyway.... sure attraction can grow, but you knew. Listen to your intuition next time. Long distance & on line is a big challenge.... not enough mutual connections to start unless it's very chemical to start.

ps... her car & dui situation are not your problem. She's an adult. She will figure it out.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but why did you sleep with her if there was no attraction on your side? I can only speak for myself, but that's called "leading her on", (imo).

I understand that it takes two to tangle, yet it may have been a horse of a different color if you were straight with her from the beginning.