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Am I crazy wanting him back? Messy break up (long post)


CatHeroine

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Hi, I'm new but been reading threads for the past few days. Me (28f) and my ex (29m) broke up after 4.5 years (almost 2 years living together). Everything was perfect, we joked multiple times about marriage, having a kid in 2 years (we even picked a name), getting a second dog.

 

Fast forward he spent 5 days in Spain and came back with 3 flirts (one pushy 17 yo, one girl from London, 27, he was quite impressed by, another girl that was nothing interesting for him he said) he bragged/talked about multiple times. I acted cool but I was hurt, didn't eat/sleep. He came home I cried, we talked it through. Next day he texts 17 yo, I tell him to stop but he cries, manipulates me, says i make him feel like . and i back off because I get scared, he never cried before). The next day texts the second girl. I'm not doing another drama, he promised it'll fade away, it's just friendly. I wait a week and then we leave for 3 weeks to Asia with his family, me hoping it'll get better.

 

He texts both of them daily, couple of various messages in a batch 1-2x a day, he lets me read them but after a while I refuse. He knows they bother me, but goes on. Other times he's often on his phone which is not typical (learning Spanish, reddit, Instagram). I'm getting paranoid, he feels colder (he was also sick a lot), takes his phone everywhere. He's physically there but mentally still in Spain. In the middle of the holiday I'm worries speak up and he says he doesn't like the way i acted and I'm being weird. I tell him i don't want to break up and he just says we'll see....

 

I end up reading the texts, they're sometimes casual, sometimes flirty, sometimes ambiguous, he brings up meeting them and such. He figures it out and tells me not sure he'll forgive but after a month of silent treatment, occasional humiliating sex without kissing, 3-4x me trying to bring up my fear of break up and things to fix (I mostly tell him we're a family and I'm willing to change), I pull out that he wants me to leave and doesn't love me anymore, says I can't change, he can't change, I broke the trust, claims has no feelings for any of them though. Before this time and after i breach his privacy again checking emails, calendar, Instagram to see his plans without me. The days after I ask him to reconsider and says he'll see. I beg one more time when I'm drunk (that's when we had sex and he called me disgusting).

 

We continue living together for another 3 weeks but I just had to watch him smiling at his phone the bigger part of the day. I read his texts again 10 days past break up he speaks humiliating about me, calls me a horny, crazy, creepy flatmate in front of the 3rd girl (remember? The not interesting one) he's now texting day and night. I was good for household work and cooking was fine too (he said that 3 days before break up). They joke about the things I say or do... Things like that....i never experienced this much cruelty. He didn't know this girl 3 months ago....

 

Anyway he picks fights with me, but then claims I treat him like . Wth? He locked me out of the living room where he slept after he called me disgusting after we had sex... Because i woke him up one night being creepy (i wanted to charge my watch, yeah in the middle of the night), forbids using the car.... I end up packing and leaving, taking the dog, not saying a word while he's in Berlin meeting them (17 yo and the 3rd girl). He slept next to the pushy teenager both nights though 3rd girl was also in the room. Before he leaves me a gift because it was on a discount and we talked about it?

 

I did no contact but he caught me trying to get into his Instagram one last time and also i turned on the camera we have in the living room because it seems like i became what he painted me out to be... I denied both hence I lied. I'm extremely ashamed and undertaking therapy. Last time he told his mom he wants everything to calm down and see what the future holds, one never knows.

 

Yet he's constantly online most likely talking with her/them all the time.

 

I removed him because he kept watching my stories, then he unfollowed my professional Instagram (he was my biggest supporter before). Im attending his mom's wedding in June and I'll have to decide if to go or not (I'm the photographer). I want to because i want him to see me changed (I hope I'll do by then), but I'm terrified he'll just completely ignore me. It'll be a small wedding so he won't have many people to talk to....

 

It was a mess and i certainly - - - - -ed up multiple times on extreme levels. But everything I've done still doesn't feel like it justifies what he's done, blaming me for it,letting me suffer, then humiliating me the way he did. I said you are the love of my life. At least I'm sure I did, can't recall him anymore but pretty sure it felt mutual.

 

(we got together shortly after his break up 3 years, it was bad for half a year, i was a cherry on the top, no questions asked we adored each other from the first moment). There was never a question we'd break up, no serious fights, one jealousy period because he was physically touchy with my friend, but we had common plans and dreams and we were compatible on every level.

 

Ideas, thoughts? Will he regret, forgive? Return? Is this GIGS? Will seeing him help us, would you attend the wedding? It'd be lost 9 months after break up and 7 after nc. Obviously I'll move on or will try to...

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You probably know it's a bad idea wanting him back. It's just so painful for you right now that you don't know where else to look. Like they say in p.e. class, time out.

 

Take a big ol time out and call it yourself. Give yourself some breathing room to absorb what's going on and continue with your therapy. The relationship is over. Don't keep turning your wheels.

 

Cross one bridge at a time and I suggest you give him advance notice that you will not be attending his mother's wedding or assisting as photographer. You're not getting the message. He is not in love with you and he's been trying to get rid of you for a long time (and the relationship). Some people don't have the strength to do it the right way so they go about doing it the wrong way which is every single textbook method he's done so far.

 

Gather up your dignity and courage and start doing things the right way for yourself from now onwards. Don't backslide.

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The thing is everything was fine before he left. We loved each other, we said we'll miss each other when I took him to the airport. He kept texting me throughout the week, skyping... One night he ignored my message when I said I miss you while he sent a selfie with the chicks to his friend and that upset me for the first time. In fact he wanted me to join him but I was busy and work got in the way and we both kind of forgot about it. I asked him if he wanted out prior as it really seems he was just looking for an excuse but he refuses it saying everything was fine before (he said that to me, the girl as well).... But in his mind he's done nothing bad, he keeps repeating jokingly he was a good boy, he flirted but had no intention pursuing them. And then I just ed up with the snooping... If I decide not to go ill only reach out to his mom. She wants to stay in touch partially because of the dog too, wants to visit... I'm fine with it (so far). Also I promised her I'll be at the wedding

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It sounds like he was moving on from your relationship before he ended it; whatever the real reason is, putting the blame on you for snooping is just an excuse.

 

As you have moved out now I would stick with no contact.

 

I would also message his mother and say that you regret you cannot do the wedding photos, but in the circumstances she needs to get a new photographer; also that you do not think it is a good idea for her to visit in the current circumstances.

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Here it is again, the person who messed up in the relationship calls all the shots.

Please don't let him. Let him go and open the door for him wide open.

You need to remove yourself from this situation fast and see from a distance how sickening this is.

I know you are hurting but this will fade over time.

Offer his mum to find your replacement. I am sure you do know other good photographers.

Believe me , by June you will be over him ....

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I got exhausted just by reading your post, let alone going through so much crap. This guy is used to having his cake and eating it too and he sounds good at choosing his victims. It sounds like you have been a pushover from day one being "a cherry on the top, no questions asked". He kept flirting with three women right in your face, yet he put the blame on you. That's gaslighting in its finest. Please do yourself a favour and drop this clown. Cancel the job with his mom -she has plenty of time to find another photographer- and stop all the nonsense about meeting for the shake of the dog. You need to cut all ties with this creep ASAP or you are going to end up drowning in all the emotional toxicity he is throwing your way. Block and detete him from everything, stop talking to his mom and friends, stop learning what he does and seek professional counseling to address whatever within you makes you feel that what he did is justifiable/forgivable. This guy has emotionally abused you to the point that you have trouble seeing right from wrong. When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to paint a different picture. Don't walk, RUN.

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The thing is everything was fine before he left. We loved each other, we said we'll miss each other when I took him to the airport. He kept texting me throughout the week, skyping... One night he ignored my message when I said I miss you while he sent a selfie with the chicks to his friend and that upset me for the first time.

 

And then I just ed up with the snooping... If I decide not to go ill only reach out to his mom. She wants to stay in touch partially because of the dog too, wants to visit... I'm fine with it (so far). Also I promised her I'll be at the wedding

 

You have lied to us! Clearly not everything was fine before he left. You had access to his social media unknown to him but worse than that you actually accessed it!!!

 

If you mistrust someone that badly , you leave them! There was nothing “fine” about your relationship at all!

 

It is irrelevant whether he is trustworthy or not. If you don’t trust someone , then don’t and leave. What is the point in proving your mistrust???

 

His mother is using you as a photographer. Partly because it’s either free or discounted or because she was being nice to you .

 

Either way, when you break up with someone , you break up with all their connections too. Family or other.

 

My guess is he was in Spain away from a smothering gf and jokingly sent a selfie of him and a few girls to his mates.

He then joked about the pushy 17 year old etc. But it was a joke!!!!

 

Contacting them afterwards is probably to him a break from reality. And the reality is that he is with a gf that snoops.

 

Right or wrong, trustworthy or not, it’s entirely up to YOU , to accept his behaviour or not.

But it IS wrong and futile to snoop.

 

So, in saying that, what are you going to do??

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Where is he now? Did you or he move out?

The thing is everything was fine before he left. If I decide not to go ill only reach out to his mom. She wants to stay in touch partially because of the dog too, wants to visit... I'm fine with it (so far). Also I promised her I'll be at the wedding
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Wou why are you jumping on my throat? His WhatsApp was open with his full consent and he encouraged me to use it. He was telling me to open it when we talked about the people he was with. He told me check this and that, I'm getting along with her and that's the London girl etc. He literally texted me i can stalk the London girl through his Instagram since she's doing the sexy areal yoga thing! .... Never in the 4.5 years i have ever accessed any of his private messages.

 

As I said he wanted me to join him first so there goes your smothering theory.

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I've moved out. After he told me I'm disgusting (around 3rd of November 3 days after bu) i told him I'll leave ASAP since I'm disgusting. He replied today its better.... Because we talked.... Wth?.... I offered to leave that week, visit his family, day goodbye and then maybe move back to the city with time so that we can take care of the dog together. He agreed but he didn't want my parents to drive 12h and visit his family either because we'd do it in a month anyway on his niece's birthday. So i stuck around with a slight hope again.... Only to be kept humiliated. I then left 29th forever while he was in Berlin with them for partying all weekend. (partying wasnt even his thing, he gave priority to sports and health, i used to take him to parties but he wasn't that much into them, now all he does is researching drinks and bars and so on). I lost 10kg within the 2 months.... He didn't care, I wasn't eating and his brother in law used to force me to eat in McDonald's..... That's when he was embarrassed then he offered me his food too... He said that the way I reacted with not eating and acting weird was the reason and eventually the snooping was the worst. Worst would have been only cheating he said.

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My problem is his mom loves me a lot she even bought me a Christmas present when I was there knowing i won't be coming... And shes been supporting me throughout this mess suffering herself... And she asked me on pinky promise to come to her wedding she won't even let her son bring another woman there she said.... Hence I'm torn if i should break my promise to her who's been so amazing to me.

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Make a clean break from him there is no need for you to dog sit for him. Do Not Move back to be with him. Stay with your friends/family. focus on your own family, not his. Cut all contact and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

I've moved out.

he told me I'm disgusting.

maybe move back to the city with time so that we can take care of the dog together.

I then left 29th forever

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My problem is his mom loves me a lot she even bought me a Christmas present when I was there knowing i won't be coming... And shes been supporting me throughout this mess suffering herself... And she asked me on pinky promise to come to her wedding she won't even let her son bring another woman there she said.... Hence I'm torn if i should break my promise to her who's been so amazing to me.

 

That is not your problem, it is his.

 

Tell her sorry, but it is inappropriate for your health and well being to be in contact with him, or his close family, at this time and for many months to come.

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Wou why are you jumping on my throat? His WhatsApp was open with his full consent and he encouraged me to use it. He was telling me to open it when we talked about the people he was with. He told me check this and that, I'm getting along with her and that's the London girl etc. He literally texted me i can stalk the London girl through his Instagram since she's doing the sexy areal yoga thing! .... Never in the 4.5 years i have ever accessed any of his private messages.

 

As I said he wanted me to join him first so there goes your smothering theory.

 

This guy is a real jerk. He cheats on you and blames you for it. Such a high level of disrespect. And, I cannot believe that you are hoping that he will forgive you after the way HE treated you. Where is the self respect!

 

You need to be done! Do not date for about a year. You need to heal from this creep, not praying that he will come back.

 

You need to cut ties with the mother. You should not be using her as your therapist. Talk to your friends.

 

It is over!

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My problem is his mom loves me a lot she even bought me a Christmas present when I was there knowing i won't be coming... And shes been supporting me throughout this mess suffering herself... And she asked me on pinky promise to come to her wedding she won't even let her son bring another woman there she said.... Hence I'm torn if i should break my promise to her who's been so amazing to me.

 

This is a bit odd, no? Why would a grown woman behave so immaturely towards her own son and embarrass herself by getting involved in his private life or pull sides? I'd have my eyes peeled if I were you. This is no good at all. I think you're wading into murkier and murkier waters.

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None of this should be happening. If any if this is true, she is a manipulative very strange woman. This sounds like someone a school kid would do, not this guy's mother. Perhaps the whole family is a bit weird?

My problem is his mom loves me she asked me on pinky promise to come to her wedding she won't even let her son bring another woman there she said.
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This is a bit odd, no? Why would a grown woman behave so immaturely towards her own son and embarrass herself by getting involved in his private life or pull sides? I'd have my eyes peeled if I were you. This is no good at all. I think you're wading into murkier and murkier waters.

 

I think this would be on me. On the holiday I started crying and I told her I'm worried. And after we kept in touch. I was hoping she or his sister would talk some sense into him (not a good idea but I was alone and desperate). Since then she kept in touch with me trying to help. But she didn't know what to do or say either.

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This is a bit odd, no? Why would a grown woman behave so immaturely towards her own son and embarrass herself by getting involved in his private life or pull sides? I'd have my eyes peeled if I were you. This is no good at all. I think you're wading into murkier and murkier waters.

 

None of this should be happening. If any if this is true, she is a manipulative very strange woman. This sounds like someone a school kid would do, not this guy's mother. Perhaps the whole family is a bit weird?

 

Yeah the pinky promise thing happened over chat actually... She was like promise me you'll come to my wedding... And i said I wouldn't miss it. She's actually very sweet and kind and tried to help though she didn't know herself how. She said she's hurting a lot too because I'm like a daughter to her.

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This guy is a real jerk. He cheats on you and blames you for it. Such a high level of disrespect. And, I cannot believe that you are hoping that he will forgive you after the way HE treated you. Where is the self respect!

 

You need to be done! Do not date for about a year. You need to heal from this creep, not praying that he will come back.

 

You need to cut ties with the mother. You should not be using her as your therapist. Talk to your friends.

 

It is over!

 

Yes you're right, I wish he'd apologise at the wedding or we'd talk. I wish he'd feel remorse. I asked him how can it be easy for him he claimed its wasn't (though i had to see him daily chatting with them foe hours and smiling)... He said to his mom and sister that its hard on him too and he needs everything to settle down and then see what the future holds. But to one girl he was ridiculing me with he said never go back to an ex. He even told me he wanted to give me/us another chance (I didn't know about this it was all in his head) but then he didn't suggesting i f___ed it up again... I'm still thinking it was a deadly combo of a quarter life crisis, fear from commitment (constant wedding talk from family and friends), these new flirts that were so good for his ego (he said it himself) and me 'overreacting' in the beginning.

 

I'm still so tempted to show on my WhatsApp story tje things he said before and after break up just to clean myself in front of some of his colleagues who were my friends too. I'm sure they know only one side of the story. He was innocent and I was a spying creep.

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Stay away from All his people. Just stop. It's over it doesn't matter what his coworkers or mother thinks .

I'm still so tempted to show on my WhatsApp story tje things he said before and after break up just to clean myself in front of some of his colleagues who were my friends too.

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He still sounds like a mess and a master manipulator, to me. I'm sad for you and I hope that you regain some of your strength and dignity and find yourself in all this.

 

You might be right. He has difficulties talking about anything negative, especially emotions hence we couldn't fix things, i was not enough. He's a cheerful always happy very balanced person. I'm obviously more emotional but i felt we complement each other so well and we grew together so much learning from each other. I'm undertaking therapy as my psychologist said i have issues with self worth and respect. I used to be confident, good career, lived alone in another country. He was just a student and a grey mouse. I initiated with him, i asked his name first. I kissed him first. I told him i love him first. I was never afraid. Then he got a good job, i became dependent on him (financially too because i gave up my jobs to live with him in Germany) and i think he got the upper hand, he made the decisions, he planned the holidays... But he still listened to me. I just built up my business now. We waited until i have enough business so the we can have our Mila, the daughter we envisioned. It all sounds ridiculous now.

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I'll try my best. I thought about reaching out one more time saying what I've found over here

 

I liked you very much, I wish this could have continued on a mutual basis. But if this is something you cannot commit to, then this is something I don't want either. So for now, lets keep things separated. I will miss you as a person but moving on is more important. Hopefully we can come in contact again sometime when feelings are buried, but now is not the moment.

 

Thoughts? I don't want him to remember me by the drama I caused during and after the break up

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