In severe Pain over ex fiance

Hi All

First off, thank you to whoever reads this and takes the time to reply to me.

I was with my ex partner for 7.5 years (girlfriend). Last year we bought a house together. I put every si gle penny I had into that house from years of saving to make her happy. I proposed to her about 3 or 4 years ago and she said yes. The relationship in my opinion was mostly a good one, no cheating from me and I loved every bone in her body. However in the last year and half we slept in separate beds that was more of I couldnt put up with her snoring rather than anything else. I also appreciated the space and worked long hours but also had time off. Over the last couple of years, I had a very serious depression that I got treated for that lasted a few months and also suffered with ocd traits that made me a bit reclusive.

Over christmas last year, a friend of my dads who was not that familiar was in my house as he was recently divorced. We catered for him. Since then, he struck up a friendship with my now ex partner to which I never minded as i 1000 per cent trusted her. I had no problem with her going to watch the football with him etc. Anyway, a few months ago there were signs that something was not quite right about this creep. I checked her phone (something I have never done in the years we were together) and found intimate messaging between them with feelings.

I confronted her and she left the house for the night. That night I was awake for a good 56 hours before I slept. It absolutly crushed me and It still hurts with the shock, anger, denial and depression to this day. She came back 2 days later and asked for space. I moved out for a week then came back and we were talking about going on a 'date" to rekindle the relationship. I felt like there was no effort on her half then after 3 weeks she started crying and said she didnt want too (and she had not contacted this man since). Again, I moved out. Over the next month or so, I did all the usual post break up.mistakes (begging, pleading) and she would say she would think about it then say no. This happened like 3 times.

Eventually she agreed to put the house on the market and within the first viewing the house was sold. She disappeared for a week and when i finally got hold of her she said she had a difficult time selling it because on her budget there 'was no decent houses' on her budget.

Weirdly, the last time I went there about 3.5 weeks ago she appeared to let her guard down we were laughing about the old times and agreed to go out the next day. The next day she cancelled, breaking my heart all over again. I finally decided enough is enough then implemented no contact. With regards to the house, I talk to the estate agents regarding updated but in the 3 weeks of NC I have heard nothing from her or if she has found a place.

On days like today, I am enslaved in jealously, betrayal and hurt to think she 'monkey branched' to this new guy and has not told me about it. Every day, I think about her to the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.

I've been hurt like this before with cheating, however that was a 3 year LDR and it took me months to feel better.

I want her back however she told me she doesnt love me (I have no doubt she did love me over the years though).

I have obsessed over get your ex back videos and found feelings are something that can change and you can improve your chances of getting your ex back (no contactx become a better version of yourself). Etc. However I dont even know if I'm wasting my time with it because I have no idea if she is with this new guy now. I asked her a month ago and she said no she hasn't contacted him since. I feel like this man lurked round her and knew what he was doing and destroyed my life in the process.

Infact, sometimes when I read stories of other men, I envy the ones who go no contact, the report their rebound/monkey branch didnt work out and they ha e the respect for themselves to never go back when their ex reaches out. Sometimes I wonder if she feels the pain I do day in night out, but I picture her happy with this other fella. I have had no choice but fo no contact for my own self worth due to advice.

Man, I feel so bad.

Over the last couple of years, I had a very serious depression that I got treated for that lasted a few months and also suffered with ocd traits that made me a bit reclusive.

Are you still speaking to anyone about this? Doctor, specialist, therapist? And do you have ongoing treatment?

I'm very sorry for all you've been through. I'm unsure why you were engaged with her for three to four years (seems like a long engagement). Is that due to disagreements and other health issues?

Snoring is usually related to poor diet. If both of you have a difference in lifestyles, this could be a dealbreaker in itself. It pulls couples apart.

I'd continue seeking treatment for your mental health - take care of yourself. Yes, continue eliminating contact with her and complete the sale of the house on your own if that's what you want or what you have to do. She's bailed and abandoned ship. Speak to a lawyer regarding any sale of assets and division of property or proceeds. Don't let this time while away and let everything be swept from under you.

I am so so sorry you are hurting.

Given you slept in another room, your intimate moments were limited. Were you both affectionate with each other prior going to separate bedrooms etc. ?

Otherwise she may felt like she was living with a flatmate and not a man. So when another man appeared under the same roof, the new setting begged for trouble.

I am sorry....

Well, after all she cheated on you and she is still calling the shots ? How come?

She also said she doesn't love you...she doesn't know what she wants....than why on earth would you like her to be with you for the wrong reasons ?

Because of sympathy, lack of decent accommodation?

Please refrain from any contact.

May I ask how old are you both ?

You do need to heal ...it's very hard. I am going through the same situation. It's so so hard but doable.

You will smile again very soon

Hi OkWhatNow,

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I understand the betrayal, pain, and confusion you are now going through. I dealt with similar circumstances at the end of my 6 year marriage / 12 year relationship. It's absolutely crushing, there are no easy answers to be had, and it's sometimes hard to tell which way is up. I can tell you from my own experience that if you take this time of upheaval to focus on yourself and treat it as an opportunity for your own growth, good things can happen and happiness can return. This too shall pass. Remember that working on yourself should be for your own good, not as part of some plan to get her back. You are a unique entity in this universe and worth the effort your own sake, even if it may not feel like that right now. Let this be the start of a journey to a better future; you have the rest of your life to reap the benefits of the work you do now. Good luck!

@rose Mosse. I'm just taking meds and see a doctor every 6 months for review. I'm coping better than ever with my ocd (anger has been a motivator to resist compulsions and it gets better)

Also, I dont think she ever wanted to marry, more like a status of just being engaged. I was easy with that - not the type to want to get married unless it was for her really.

@irka intimacy started to lack in the last couple of years, I noticed I started to initiate it and she would refuse and I stopped asking after a while. She would give the reason we didnt have to do it all the time. Again, I put up with it because I loved her.

Alot of people ask me why she is calling the shots and I honestly dont know. I feel like my feelings are preventing me from manning up and demanding her find a place asap. I am living at families that I dont particularly want to do.

@ASE I have been a lot more sociable as my ocd is getting alot better. Also got a long trip.planned for next year. I would also like to meet somebody new and a have a new relationship with somebody that i feel deserves my love and attention right now... but you know I'm still hurting. I did go on a date the other week and it just didnt feel right.

Take your time before getting back out there. Make sure you're ready before starting something new. I know how it hurts, but starting a new relationship to cover up the pain can rob you of the opportunity to grow.

I know it's easier said than done, but as someone who has walked that path before I can tell you it is worth it. My girlfriend and I just broke up last week and it's pretty crushing (post coming soon once a moderator reviews and approves), so I'm about to walk that path again too.

Can you set a goal to be single for a bit? Maybe even a month? Is there anything you've always wanted to do or learn that you've never found time for? I think I'm going to learn how to scuba dive or take a cooking class. Last time I got my motorcycle license and trained for a long distance race. Any activity that gets you out of the house and ideally around other people (even if the interaction is minimal). Maybe check out the site meetup? You can connect with other people in your area that are doing fun or interesting things (non-dating).

Sorry this is happening. Have you sought the help and support of friends and family? What does your father know about this creep? As far as the rest, unfortunately it will hurt disassembling a seven+ year life with someone. Do you need attorneys in the UK to sort out joint property in a partnership? Perhaps start with the basic logistics.

Yes I am sorry to hear this.

First and foremost make sure you keep on top of your health both physical and mental.

She hasnt acted well but I understand its hard to walk away after 7.5 years but walk away you must.

I can't see a way back I'm sorry to say. She's at least been honest with you and said she doesn't want to be with you rather than continuing to mess you around.

Agreed, you have given her all the power over your life and now it's time to get that back for your own sake. Block and delete on all social media and go no contact.

Take time for yourself to heal and I'd avoid dating for a while at the very least until you are fully over this which will take time.

Regarding the house sale she's got no right to hold it up as she can't find something she likes at her budget range.. She chose to cheat and end the relationship so she needs to pull on her big girl pants and facilitate the separation of the final strings. Don't stand for any nonsense off her arli d this. Time to reclaim your life and self respect.

Good luck.

It was not that man who destroyed your life. It was HER. Had she been a loyal person no man could have ever come between the two of you like that. Blaming him instead of identifying the real causes of the break up will keep you stuck. The truth is that your relationship had stopped working before that man ever appeared. He was the catalyst NOT the cause of your break up. Sounds like there were quite a few issues swept under the rug by both of you, to the point that your relationship stopped working. Unfortunately, she did not have the strength of character to address things head on and she chose the easy way out. You are lucky to have found out rather than wasting more time. She did probably love you but sadly the relationship has run its cycle. Imo, you need to go nc and focus on healing yourself. Good luck.

I wanted to know if she has monkey branched me for this other guy, she has previously denied it but I'm not convinced. I broke NC and asked her outright in a polite and friendly way and explained it would give me some closure. I really think it would do, as monkey branches are the the worst and it will stop me wondering/obsessing.

Anyway, I hope shes honest and comes clean. Not like it's my business, but I will have a clear conscience about getting the house sold as quickly as possible.

Really hope I find somebody too if that's the case where I feel a connection with. In time of course...

I have obsessed over get your ex back videos and found feelings are something that can change and you can improve your chances of getting your ex back (no contact become a better version of yourself). Etc. However I dont even know if I'm wasting my time with it because I have no idea if she is with this new guy now.

I really want to respond to this in detail, but it will take me a while to organise it.

I'll post later. A sort of Christmas present for the forum.

Don't worry about 'monkey branching' and other trendy concepts. She cheated, the relationship is over and you have a joint property to sort out. She doesn't have to and probably won't "come clean" about anything. That discussion is pointless and will not further your moving forward or get her back. You have to sell the house anyway.

I wanted to know if she has monkey branched me for this other guy. I hope shes honest and comes clean. I will have a clear conscience about getting the house sold as quickly as possible.

I have obsessed over get your ex back videos and found feelings are something that can change and you can improve your chances of getting your ex back (no contact become a better version of yourself). Etc. However I dont even know if I'm wasting my time with it because I have no idea if she is with this new guy now.

I have now responded to this in detail in a new thread.