Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I’ve been posting regarding a situation with an ex partner for about a few weeks now.

I’m changing as a person, but one thing is standing out from all the replies I’ve been getting, and it’s something I need to address.

 

I’ve been looking for validation from my ex. Validation for my changes, validation for what I do for her now and validation for anything to do with my own self worth.

 

I do this a lot in life, and it’s a big reason as to why I’m unhappy. I NEED validation from people.

I think it stems from a low self esteem which I may have had a while, but it’s amplified since my breakup and I assume that’s completely natural.

 

How do I address this issue?

Link to comment

Hopefully you are in ongoing regular support groups, therapy and rehab aftercare. That is the kind of validation you need to reaffirm that you are clean, sober, employed and on your way to a better life. Also being a responsible father is validation.

 

Enabling you was not and is not validation. She was with you when you were sick, addicted, cheating, etc. hardly validation of anything but her own problems. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses if you want validation of your worth.

Validation for my changes, validation for what I do for her now and validation for anything to do with my own self worth. I NEED validation from people.

Link to comment

Similar answer as on your other thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562959

 

 

Stick to your plan. Cut contact to the minimum necessary for child logistics.

 

You don't need to make some grand announcement - just start doing it. She'll notice in time.

 

What activities are you planning to do for self improvement while you do no contact (or in your case, limited contact)?

 

Your validation should be internal from achieving the sensible goals you set yourself.

Link to comment

What I like to do is think hard about the things that matter to me... and then make it better. In simple terms this means just improving things all around. If I'm not as good with an area I'd like to be better in, I look for more information and help in how to do that. If something around me can be improved, it's a little project and keeps my wheels turning. Sometimes goal setting can be daunting and it means writing a list or coming up with more than one. I normally don't write anything down (it confuses me - haha). In my head, I can make revisions up to the minute and it doesn't have to be set in stone. Sometimes those goals can change over a period of a week or a few weeks as you learn new things.

 

Don't be afraid. You can do it.

Link to comment

Do esteemable acts, and your self esteem will increase. Find volunteer opportunities. Apologize to an estranged relative. Donate to a charitable organization.

 

If you focus on having integrity and being genuine in all of your business and social dealings then you will, over time, develop an internal sense of well being that requires no external input.

 

We all WANT other people to like us and to approve of us, but hopefully we don’t NEED it.

Link to comment

It requires a lot of self talk when you react out of neediness or feel yourself doing that. For example I've made myself stop commenting or liking this woman's posts on Facebook. We have a whole lot in common except in one area -she acts like a real jerk and I don't. She's been rude to me on a number of occasions and yet I continued to want her to "like" me. But once I started practicing restraint, I've felt less of a need for validation from her. It really does require discipline. What also helps me is my daily workout. Because it's "in my face" that I am taking care of myself, challenging myself, that what I'm doing is entirely for me and entirely positive, it counterbalances the need for validation. It's me validating me, and it feels great.

 

Also I'm motivated by my son not to be a person who constantly needs validation. I know he absorbs what he sees around him and I want him to be confident. Also in practice I have to stick to my guns/be consistent with him which means sometimes he's not going to like me/approve of me. And I have to be ok with that to go for the goal of having him behave appropriately and be safe.

Link to comment

I was once you, lonewolf1991. I always needed to be heard, validated, have the last word, put in my 2 cents, prove my point, explain until I was blue in the face and ensure that the other person knew where I was coming from. I was you for for decades. I've since changed the way I thought.

 

Don't get hurt, grow smarter is what I say.

 

Don't address the issue because it will be just like beating a dead horse. It will get you nowhere and the other person will turn a deaf ear anyway. Trust me, I just had to speak my mind each and every time to no avail. To them, you're merely blowing hot air, wasting everyone's time and most of all, your energy. It's a lost cause, lonewolf1991. The other person will ignore you and if you are relentless, you will irritate them and create a senseless confrontation. Don't bother.

 

Needing to be validated is associated with insecurity. You need to let go of it.

 

You'll become a changed person when you gain newfound wisdom. All you can do is learn from your past mistakes and handle yourself better from now on with other people in your life and people you will meet in the future. This is what I do. You can't undo the past. All you can do is become smarter regarding how you navigate yourself in the future, how you act, how you write and speak. Become shrewd.

 

Most people with a clear conscience have regrets and remorse. Intelligent people learn from past negative experiences and polish up their character, how to interact with people or NOT deal with people, period. It's the only key takeaway you've got as naivete is no more.

 

Your ex-partner is an ex and you should treat your ex as such. It's over. Start a new life and truly move on without your ex consuming your every thought day and night 24 / 7. Constantly rehashing the past with "I should've, could've and would've" is an unhealthy obsession.

 

Allow your mind and heart to heal. It will take baby steps and someday your breakup will become a blur. You must remain patient in the meantime.

 

Get healthy distractions such as exercise, eat right, surround yourself with very moral people who will be a healthy influence on you, immerse yourself into hobbies, good books, outings, volunteer for charitable good works and the like. There are millions of people worse off than you. They need your help.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...