When the break up ends up going well…

So I was dating this guy for much of 2019 and it was a bit rocky for some of it. At our best we were great, but then there was a lot of mixed messages, uncertainty, and confusion that marred the relationship. I felt him holding back and while I wasn’t holding back in the beginning I too begin to withdraw just out of self-protection. We were never committed, never clear on exclusivity, and eventually it felt like we were stuck on the tarmac. I felt unwanted, understandably, and come fall I was working to get in a place where I just accepted the unknowns of our relationship while focusing on self love.

The subtle shift in my priorities seemed to push him away, for he initiated a break up a couple of weeks ago and even that was confusing. It opened the door for us to finally have an open and honest and raw conversation that really brought us closer together. Following that we were still hanging out and doing everything we always did as if it was always us. And he started initiating all these plans - concerts we should see, performances to go to, and dinners he’d cook for me. Of course my heart got up. But then the real break up happened this last weekend, initiated by him again.

It was odd how well we ended it.... I could choose to hate him for being so damn confused. But I don’t. On Saturday night we spent about three hours on FaceTime with both of us upset. I told him that if he didn’t want to date than I couldn’t see him anymore. That I would need some space. We both didn’t want to say goodbye on FaceTime so on Sunday we spent much of the day together with the intent of doing some last things that we had always wanted to do together. I didn’t leave his apartment until Wednesday. It was the most time we’d spend together in months and it was a beautiful time. We both knew it was over, we were both upset, we both cried, we both didn’t want to let go. We laughed and joked as well and I got some of my favorite memories from our time together in those last days. In many ways because we have nothing to lose the level of our intimacy increased. We were both open hearted and forthcoming. A lot of the block to communication that frustrated me came out into the open. There was no more holding back, at least not to the degree we had been throughout the year. Some hurtful words came out, but most were full of loving kindness as we savored each other’s presence and honored our time together. We joked that it would’ve been so much easier if I could be a raging b*tch and he could be an a$shole. But there was so much love in the room, it seems poetic that our relationship of confusion ends upside down.

Ultimately I think it was the best decision for us to break. I was looking for a man who would stand up and say I want you in my life, this hasn’t been working, here’s what we should do to fix it. But I never got that from him. He had the opportunity to do that and he didn’t take it. I don’t think it’s necessarily a fault of his and I’m not going to wallow in my not being wanted enough. While there may be some truth there, I see it as a combination of both our own limitations with intimacy and relationships, and both of own unique need for growth. He has his own to deal with too and in one of our last conversations he made a comment that seeing me process so much of my own baggage and my own growth was inspiring him to work on this stuff. On my part there’s no judgment here wherever he was in his development, we all have our shadows and not everyone has taken the steps necessary to love these parts of ourselves. We can only love as deeply as the work we have done on self - And there was so much holding back. With the relationship that never really reached its full potential, I certainly see mistakes that I made from my own limitations and don’t wish to make again that will ultimately make me a better person and high value partner.

Anyways, I am now in the no contact period. I miss him, so the story goes. It’s only been three days. We left it intentionally without any promises for the future to reconnect. We live in the same neighborhood it’s likely we will run into one another. And he did say that he felt one day down the line he would reach out to me. So long as I am emotionally moved on, I welcome that with no expectations.

But I was wondering if anyone has ever had a break up experience like this? Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up? What happened down the line?

Your break up sounds like most break ups that are due to incompatibility.

There is nothing unique in what you describe. Just two people agreeing it’s not working for them.

It’s good that you both realise this.

And in time neither of you will miss each other as you replace each other.

Just have to ride the wave until you get there. And you will get there. Probably a lot sooner than you think.

Sorry to hear this. An amicable breakup is best but it sounds like you are deliberately leaving things open wishing and hoping it gets better. It was never good if it was rocky, nebulous, confusing and not committed.

It sounds like you wanted an exclusive relationship but he pursued fwb. Breaking up is not a tactic to make him come back and be committed, want you, be clear and forthright etc. He will probably move on, and so should you. Next time do not remain in anything this conflicted for this long.

So I was dating this guy for much of 2019 and it was a bit rocky for some of it.

there was a lot of mixed messages, uncertainty, and confusion that marred the relationship.

I felt him holding back

I felt unwanted

Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up? What happened down the line?

Yeah, cause she was moving overseas to work and we agreed no LDR.

She fell in love with some guy over there, and moved on.

Sorry to hear this. An amicable breakup is best but it sounds like you are deliberately leaving things open wishing and hoping it gets better. It was never good if it was rocky, nebulous, confusing and not committed.

 

He will probably move on, and so should you. Next time do not remain in anything this conflicted for this long.

Thanks, Wiseman2. I always hoped it got better when we were together and it never did. At this point, I feel great about moving on and am surprised how quickly I’ve accepted it. I was ready. I’ll miss him, no doubt. He lives so close to me and i had just moved to this area of NYC when we met so a lot of the places I know around here are because of us. And it’s normal to hope our paths one day cross again still on good terms. I don’t want to see him in this moment - I want to move on. And I don’t want so many of things we had in our relationship. I wouldn’t want to get back together. 2020 is coming - I deserve a fresh start!

And agreed - I learned so much through the last year about red flags. I don’t intend to repeat this mistake. No regrets this time around, but moving forward from here.

Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up?

I think you're too close to the situation and see it a bit through rose-colored glasses because of your love for your ex. From the outside looking in, I see it as it going so well on his part because that was right up his alley--enjoying a woman's company and sex without the assumption of exclusivity, and without the angry drama he expected from parting ways.

He never fully invested because he just wasn't that into you. Whether he's capable of being into anyone or not is irrelevant. And most often when a person is ready to ditch their baggage or finally decide to get serious with someone, it's usually with someone else and not the person they let go.

To me, welcoming communication in the future isn't a good idea. Most exes have contacted me at some point or other after breakups (that was back when there was no blocking function on my ancient cell phone). It's really nothing special and happens to many. When you think of what good will come from being friends again, what will you get from that? A "Hi, how's it going?" Followed by meaningless chit chat. Or an attempt at a booty call from him. If you have a boyfriend when this happens, staying friends with an ex will send the boyfriend running to the nearest exit.

To me, the past is the past, and it's there for a reason. My friendships with real friends who I can get together with and aren't exes are what fulfills me in that department.

You're at a good point now with the breakup, and I'm glad you've learned from the experience. If I were you, I'd go one step further and block his number so that he doesn't catch you at a weak point, filling you with false hope, and starts bombarding you with useless communication when he's without a fan and feeling lonely, which will be all about him.

Good luck and I hope 2020 is full of new adventures for you. Out with the old and in with the new.

But I was wondering if anyone has ever had a break up experience like this? Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up? What happened down the line?

We separated completely and gave each other space to grow and have our families. I agree with Andrina (again) that you're a little too close right now and the break up is very fresh. That's wonderful that you were both able to be kind to each other. I think the next form of kindness is in letting go for good so that you can be fully 100% present in your future relationships.

It's ok to mourn the loss of good friendships and kindred spirits. You can still appreciate the memories decades from now when you laugh and look back. I have a lot of funny memories and good memories. For example, I can't not smile when I look at a window waist high that slides open with no screen. Don't ask me for the details - they are torrid but boy, does it make me smile.

As time goes on you'll find appreciation in your new relationships also because of details from the past that taught you the lessons you know now.

Don't be too hard on yourself or worry that you're in the same neighbourhood. Eventually, the more you move forward, the less these worries matter. One or both of you might move for other opportunities or to be with someone else or outgrow the neighbourhood. Life will take on its own shape.

Keep on going and keep your chin up. All will be well.

I've had a few breakups like this—most, to be honest. I think that last does of intimacy comes from a simple place: honesty. The truth is very freeing, and sharing a truth is very powerful.

In this case, of course, the shared truth is that you and him don't work, and never quite worked. You guys obscured that truth for a while, tried to bend it into another truth—that was your relationship. In breaking up you stopped with the veiling of the truth, stopped with the bending, and found connection.

Appreciate it, but let it go. Because with the right person? You will experience that intimacy inside a relationship, not in the wake of it, and you won't have a connection built on trying to mask a fundamental disconnect but on the very opposite. It will be the very glue: the truth that you both want to be with each other, because together you work. It's not complicated, only rare.

This was not that. Focus on accepting that, and making space for what's next. Where he fits into that, if at all, is something time will answer, not you, and the more you can just accept that rather than try to beat time with hope the healthier you'll be, on the path to opening up emotionally in a more sincere way: on your own and, eventually, alongside another who is equally open.

Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up?

 

I think you're too close to the situation and see it a bit through rose-colored glasses because of your love for your ex. From the outside looking in, I see it as it going so well on his part because that was right up his alley--enjoying a woman's company and sex without the assumption of exclusivity, and without the angry drama he expected from parting ways.

 

He never fully invested because he just wasn't that into you. Whether he's capable of being into anyone or not is irrelevant. And most often when a person is ready to ditch their baggage or finally decide to get serious with someone, it's usually with someone else and not the person they let go.

 

To me, welcoming communication in the future isn't a good idea. Most exes have contacted me at some point or other after breakups (that was back when there was no blocking function on my ancient cell phone). It's really nothing special and happens to many. When you think of what good will come from being friends again, what will you get from that? A "Hi, how's it going?" Followed by meaningless chit chat. Or an attempt at a booty call from him. If you have a boyfriend when this happens, staying friends with an ex will send the boyfriend running to the nearest exit.

 

To me, the past is the past, and it's there for a reason. My friendships with real friends who I can get together with and aren't exes are what fulfills me in that department.

 

You're at a good point now with the breakup, and I'm glad you've learned from the experience. If I were you, I'd go one step further and block his number so that he doesn't catch you at a weak point, filling you with false hope, and starts bombarding you with useless communication when he's without a fan and feeling lonely, which will be all about him.

 

Good luck and I hope 2020 is full of new adventures for you. Out with the old and in with the new.

I agree with this and I think the reason he seemed so "bonded" to you when you two were facetiming is because then it was 100% safe for him to gush without fear of leading you on and to idealize "what could have been". - because he knew he was going to walk away when it was over and not have his words thrown in his face. I'm sorry you indulged him to the extent you did. I would have told him that the fact that he never wanted to be exclusive with you and now didn't even want to date you was enough information and the "analysis" of why was not something you needed to know -perhaps his therapist would want to know.

The other problem is that you think he is "confused". He's not. He knew the whole time he did not want to be exclusive with you. If he did want to he would have told you and ASAP so you didn't get snapped up by some other guy. That's not confusion. Maybe you confused yourself since you were settling for scraps, for someone who didn't want to be exclusive with you while you were looking for someone who did. Try not to indulge in overanalyzing here and labeling things in psychological $10 words. Maybe it is a time to ask yourself why you settled this long. I'm so glad you're moving on.

Thank you everyone for sharing your input and guidance. I’m not sure why I indulged in this for so long, but he indulged me as well and not in a way that was leading me on. I did get emotionally attached and I do care about him. I absolutely hate the finality of break ups - so I’m glad we left each other with some happy memories and on a very positive note. I don’t want to carry any hate, or animosity, or a victimized attitude about what was happening between us. I wasn’t a fool - I saw he wasn’t stepping up, and no matter the reason for it I wanted more out of life and love. I didn’t think more time would “fix him” or that I could change him to being what I wanted.

When I started aligning my own actions (being less available, saying no more often, not initiating anything) with the reality of the situation was when he ended it.

I know my own need for validation wants to believe it all meant something. That it wasn’t for nothing. I’m ok if he moves on - he should, I want him to be happy. But is it so bad to want to feel I will be missed? I don’t want to continue what we had, but he will certainly be on my mind. We spent so much time together in the last year, I’ll notice his absence and need to focus (which I have been) on life outside of whatever it was we had.

Pulling back was the best thing I could’ve done because it’s allowing me to bounce back faster. I’m not sure I want to date right now and while I long for a serious relationship I don’t want to look for one right now. I signed up for a NYC speed dating in January for the fun of connecting with new people and because I usually have a great, playful attitude going into first dates - might as well have a bunch of “first dates” in a single night.

Ok so you were new in the area and dated. You can make so many places your own in NYC. Now you can just be hi/hello friends if you run into him and you can start dating guys for real now who you can have a committed relationship with. You can also find different haunts to hang out in.

He lives so close to me and i had just moved to this area of NYC when we met so a lot of the places I know around here are because of us. And it’s normal to hope our paths one day cross again still on good terms.

Thank you everyone for sharing your input and guidance. I’m not sure why I indulged in this for so long, but he indulged me as well and not in a way that was leading me on. I did get emotionally attached and I do care about him. I absolutely hate the finality of break ups - so I’m glad we left each other with some happy memories and on a very positive note. I don’t want to carry any hate, or animosity, or a victimized attitude about what was happening between us. I wasn’t a fool - I saw he wasn’t stepping up, and no matter the reason for it I wanted more out of life and love. I didn’t think more time would “fix him” or that I could change him to being what I wanted.

 

When I started aligning my own actions (being less available, saying no more often, not initiating anything) with the reality of the situation was when he ended it.

 

I know my own need for validation wants to believe it all meant something. That it wasn’t for nothing. I’m ok if he moves on - he should, I want him to be happy. But is it so bad to want to feel I will be missed? I don’t want to continue what we had, but he will certainly be on my mind. We spent so much time together in the last year, I’ll notice his absence and need to focus (which I have been) on life outside of whatever it was we had.

 

Pulling back was the best thing I could’ve done because it’s allowing me to bounce back faster. I’m not sure I want to date right now and while I long for a serious relationship I don’t want to look for one right now. I signed up for a NYC speed dating in January for the fun of connecting with new people and because I usually have a great, playful attitude going into first dates - might as well have a bunch of “first dates” in a single night.

So I don't understand something - what has he moved on from? You two weren't exclusive so he kept his options open whether or not he acted on other opportunities he knew he didn't have to be loyal or faithful to you -and he knew you wanted that. So it's different to me when two people are good with dating casually -I did that once for 6 months, it was totally fine - because then there's no pressure -you hang out, go on dates, do fun activities together, knowing that you don't have to check in, you don't have to limit yourself from dating others whether you act on it or not. So there's less of an attachment. He never wanted to be committed to you so he can move on much easier -he might miss you, miss the fun you had, miss the fun discussions and deep discussions but because there was no foundation of commitment/loyalty he never chose to get really attached to you. But it made him uncomfortable more and more that you were attached to him.

So yes I think he will miss you but not in the way a committed couple miss each other if they break up.