Post-break-up letter... to send or not to send

Hi all,

It’s my first time posting on this site and hoping to get some advice. I’ve been in a relationship for the past 16 months with an incredible woman, but our relationship has come to an end now because our lives are headed in two different directions. The long and short of it is that she wants to have a baby, and I already have 2 boys (7 and 5) from a previous marriage and don’t want any more. We both love each other and neither of us wanted the relationship to end, but it’s a pretty fundamental issue to not be aligned on. After many talks, soul searching, and desperate but fruitless attempts to find a way forward that would work for us both, I broke up with her this past Thursday. I’ve written (and re-written and re-written) her a letter trying to share my thoughts and feelings about our relationship, but I don’t know if I should send it. We’ve had no contact since breaking up and generally I believe this would be her preference. I don’t want to make things harder for her by giving her the letter, but at the same time maybe she would want to know these things. Please let me know what you guys think.

Thanks in advance,

ASE

The letter is likely cathartic for you, and in time you’ll be glad you didn’t share it with her. Why send it? What does it accomplish? You guys are no longer compatible in a very big way. Why throw a roadblock in her ability to heal and find someone who can offer her what she needs?

Sorry about the breakup.

I'd write the letter for yourself, to process things, but I'd resist the urge to send it. Sounds like you guys have talked this out a lot, and felt it out, full. She wants something very real that you cannot offer her. No need to make something more confusing than it is, which I suspect would be the result of her reading any words from you save for: "I would like to have a child with you."

I find the most of my breakups have led me to write a series of letters to my ex. I've never sent them, because often in writing them I come to realize the hardest thing of all: that there is nothing left to say. Sounds like things ended on good, if melancholy, terms. Mourn it, as she mourns it. Breakups are the one thing that couples cannot do together.

Thanks for the advise guys. Unfortunately it took a few days for my post to be reviewed and approved (which may mean a a second thread pops up because I thought I had submitted it incorrectly) and I moved forward already. I figured to get her input on whether she'd want to read it or not.

Hey, sorry to be breaking no contact. I know we never really talked about it officially, but I assumed that's what you would want. I needed to ask a quick question... if I had hypothetically written you a letter, would you want to receive or rather not have it? Anyway, I hope your doing ok.

Hey! Hypothetically, I would read this hypothetical letter if I hypothetically came across it...yes, Hope you're doing okay too!

She's got good self control so I believe if she thought it would be best for her not to see it she would say so. Either way, the letter's been delivered...

Don't add insult to injury sending anything like that. You knew she wanted children and you knew you didn't. She knows your thoughts on things. You dumped her .Why try to pound it into her again with some self-serving letter? Don't try to turn it into fwb. Find a single mother or someone who doesn't want kids.

I broke up with her this past Thursday. I’ve written her a letter trying to share my thoughts and feelings about our relationship

When you break up with someone YOU BROKE UP WITH THEM!

Reaching out because of your needs is very selfish. I'm actually offended for this woman. She is obviously too kind to tell you what you actually deserved to hear.

Edited to add: you had every right to end the relationship. I did not want this part to be misunderstood.

@Wisman2 - I don't know why this would be considered insult to injury...

I realize it's just semantics, but the connotations of "dumped" don't feel like they fit the situation. Broke up is more fitting. Not only that, but it wasn't exactly a unilateral thing... we broke up after many conversations of trying to find compromises that would work for us both.

The intent of the letter is not trying to pound it in to her, I'm not trying to justify to her why it ended up like this (you're right, she already knows this), nor am I trying to start a FWB.

@Lambert - I wrote the letter for my own sake... my attempt at capturing my feelings on a page. When it was done, I thought that she may want to know those thoughts too. Maybe they would bring some fresh pangs of hurt, but maybe they could help too (whether in the short term or the long). Life isn't just about avoiding pain, in my opinion its about the quality of relationships we've had. This relationship meant a lot to me and I wanted to express that as well as my gratitude for the time we had together. I can't see how what I wrote would be offensive.

I now realize from searching the internet a bit that some people write letters in an attempt to manipulate their former partners. If you think that's what this was, I understand why you would be offended, but that was not my intent. Is there some other reason you're offended? What is it I deserve to hear? I am a human who is imperfect, a human who is also hurting right now, and I'm trying to find the best way forward. I came here looking for some compassionate advice.

If it turns out to be a mistake, I'll accept that and admit I was wrong. If I thought this was coming from a place of selfishness I wouldn't have sent it. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, due to the delay of the review process, the letter had been delivered before I got any responses. Now either she'll respond to the letter and I'll know whether it was a mistake or not, or she won't respond and I'll never know. Either way it's fine, and I hope for the best future possible for her.

@Wisman2 - I don't know why this would be considered insult to injury...

 

.. we broke up after many conversations of trying to find compromises that would work for us both.

Let me have a crack at that:

This woman loved you. She loved you so much she wanted to have your child. You have two already.

You said: "no". You demoted her to a less important person than your baby/s mother/s. You told her she wasn't as good as the ex - not good enough to bear your child - Now I know you didn't mean that, because it was all about you, and being a father already, but that is emotionally how it would appear to the woman you just devalued as a mother.

What compromise, by the way? It is not like you are debating what type of pet would be best.

It's like a metaphorical beat down, and getting a letter from you recapping how YOU feel would be like a follow up kicking.

@Lambert - I wrote the letter for my own sake... If I thought this was coming from a place of selfishness I wouldn't have sent it.

Nuff said?

Op, I just checked your profile and found this post elsewhere:

Hi OkWhatNow,

 

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I understand the betrayal, pain, and confusion you are now going through. I dealt with similar circumstances at the end of my 6 year marriage / 12 year relationship. It's absolutely crushing, there are no easy answers to be had, and it's sometimes hard to tell which way is up.

You can add to my list that your new ex probably thinks you are painting her with the same brush as your ex wife, and projecting that ex wife's behaviors onto her as potential behaviors.

Which, if you are, is your problem to address, not hers.

She was probably sitting there hoping by receiving the letter there was going to be a continuing dialogue towards you reviewing the mistake you are making (in her view).

Have you had a response yet?

Thanks for the response RayRay63. I think if I gave a little more context it may help dispel some assumptions. She knew she wouldn't have my child since day 1 as I've had a vasectomy, and I had been upfront about not wanting more kids (actually both things weirdly came up on our first date, lol). I've been consistent throughout out relationship on this, so no sudden change in my message. I actually broke up with her at one point part way into the relationship because I thought she was wasting her time with me, but she told me that before our relationship she was looking to become a mother on her own via artificial insemination. That put my mind at ease somewhat as she would be doing it alone anyway if I weren't there. She also didn't want me making the decision on her behalf to break up. From that point on I saw it as her responsibility to pull the plug if it no longer worked for her, and my responsibility if it no longer worked for me.

One of the big reasons that I didn't want to have additional kids was that I know how much time, energy and attention that a baby requires, and I was concerned about how that would take away from what I can give to the kids I already have. I feel that they are already getting a crap deal in having divorced parents (although I can genuinely say we both do a pretty good job at making them feel loved and giving them the best childhood possible considering the circumstances). I also know that because of the mental health challenges of my ex, there may be a time I need to do more than the 50/50 arrangement we currently have. The main concern for me though was the baby period.

One of the hopes (and to be clear... purely just a hope, not an expectation) that I had early on is that she would would be content with coming into my children's lives and not need to have her own (although I understood many of the reasons that it isn't the same). One of her hopes (and I also believe not an expectation) was that I may change my mind. We both knew that we may be heading in separate directions at some point, and partially accepted that, but we were also hopeful that we could find a way forward with us still together. One of the compromises that we had discussed (but not agreed to) was her becoming pregnant via artificial insemination and continuing to live separately until the baby was a bit older and then moving in together and blending our lives. Neither of us particularly liked this solution, but at least it was something. Over the last month I could tell she was getting sadder and sadder and she came to me and told me that that compromise wouldn't work for her. I took another week (I say a week, but I've really been thinking about this for over a year) to explore my thoughts and feelings about whether I could do it her way (move in and do the baby thing together). I also talked to a therapist to try and get some advice/clarity. This relationship meant a lot to me and I wanted to turn over ever emotional stone before I made a final decision. Ultimately I felt and believed that that wasn't the right path for me. We broke up the next time we saw each other.

Even though I'm the one that broke up with her, it almost feels like I was the one that was broken up with.

No response.

Also, while I admittedly do have a few scars from my first marriage, I took a good amount of time (~a year) being single to heal and mend my wounds. I didn't want to bring that baggage into a new relationship.

ne of the compromises that we had discussed (but not agreed to) was her becoming pregnant via artificial insemination and continuing to live separately until the baby was a bit older and then moving in together and blending our lives. Neither of us particularly liked this solution, but at least it was something

This is a crap compromise. It is removing being with her out of the equation. There is no part where you marry her and want her to be your wife in there. a COMPROMISE would be to adopt if you were not wanting to get a reversal, not to say "go have a kid and I'lll catch up with you later". I think that you should NOT contact her unless you change your mind - that you want to marry her and have a baby with her (or adopt a child if your stuff doesn't work)

I would let her be - let her find a guy who is crazy about her and wants to have a baby with her someday.

Also, if you don't want a kid because you barely spend time with yours, you can change that and ask for more time, right?

She doesn't want to adopt. She wants to biologically have her own child. Hence artificial insemination. I would marry her in an instant if we had a way forward that worked for both of us.

I didn't say I barely spend time with my kids. It's that when I'm with my kids I'm a very present and active dad because that's where I'm committed to putting my energy and attention. A baby would take that energy and attention away from my kids.

I agree that it's a crap compromise. It was the only thing that we had discussed where there was some possibility of a middle ground. It's not what I wanted either.

She's 37 and isn't looking for a guy "who wants to have a baby with her someday"... now that we've broken up she is going to begin moving forward with having a baby on her own.

You did the right thing ending it. It's quite an impasse and you were upfront with her about the vasectomy and that you have kids. If she wants biological kids she may well have to use a DIY approach.

Snip very logical discussion points.

Women don't think logically about matters of the heart.

She has already determined that, one way or another, she wishes to have a child.

I suspect what she would really like is for you to get the un-snip and do it the old fashioned way.

But anyway, you ended it, so it would be respectful to leave her alone, unless you change your mind.

"Women don't think logically about matters of the heart."

And all men do? Have you read any of the threads on this forum started by men? All of them are logical?

Blanket statements like that are false and not helpful.

"Women don't think logically about matters of the heart."

 

And all men do? Have you read any of the threads on this forum started by men? All of them are logical?

 

Blanket statements like that are false and not helpful.

I'd suggest it is illogical to ignore scientific fact. Navigating through the shoals of a break-up is hard enough as it is.

If you want to learn more, google up the neurological research that has been done on which parts of the brain are used to address problems (including relationship ones), this is a good place to start:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453009003151

our data support the assumption that females and males rely on divergent processing strategies when solving emotional tasks: while females seem to recruit more emotion and self-related regions, males activate more cortical, rather cognitive-related areas.

That study consisted of 12 female and 12 male subjects. Hardly conclusive or evidence of scientific fact.

It wasn't an anecdotal study, it was based on MRI results. It's not the only one. Anyway, the proposition is accepted by professionals working in this area.

"Women don't think logically about matters of the heart."

 

And all men do? Have you read any of the threads on this forum started by men? All of them are logical?

 

Blanket statements like that are false and not helpful.

Its pretty logical if she broke up with you because of the kid difference.

its simply human to fall in love with someone and when it comes down to brass tacks, you find out you don't work. Both men and women are attracted to or fall for people that are not the right person but...

The adult part is breaking up instead of forcing the other person to go your way - which they have done.

I'd suggest it is illogical to ignore scientific fact. Navigating through the shoals of a break-up is hard enough as it is.

 

If you want to learn more, google up the neurological research that has been done on which parts of the brain are used to address problems (including relationship ones), this is a good place to start:

 

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453009003151

having empathy and letting your emotions rule you willy nilly are totally different things!

This study does not support the latter.

having empathy and letting your emotions rule you willy nilly are totally different things!

This study does not support the latter.

That is a strawman argument. I did not say that.

..females and males rely on divergent processing strategies when solving emotional tasks: while females seem to recruit more emotion and self-related regions, males activate more cortical, rather cognitive-related areas.