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Thread: I fell in love with a heroin addict. Will she ever wake up?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I know now I can't fix them, I now know I need to choose more wisely. But man, I had to learn that the hard way. At the end of the day, I'm glad I know better now.
    Have you been in therapy for your codependency? If you haven't, you will likely just be going to the same church but sitting in a different pew... in other words you are going to keep finding women you NEED to rescue very attractive and you're going to get far too involved in trying to save because you'll have become addicted to them before you know it.

    How many women have you been with where you felt you loved them but you needed to change them and instead of leaving right away, you just kept going because you were getting your own addiction (to them and their drama) fed?

    Maybe google "White Knight Syndrome" and read about how your story fits the criteria.
    "This will never work. You're too controlling
    No addict wants to be controlled... Every time you gave her an ultimatum or tried to make her do what you thought was best for her or where you got needy/jealous/untrusting of her she would take your best intentions as attempts at controlling her (which they were because your only duty is to control you and what you do to change you and your situation, certainly not what she does or her situation and if she's not what you want, instead of trying to control her or change her while you fail at it (which raises your temper) then you leave and let her do her. How she ultimately does "her" is her job, not your's. Do you see?

    This need to control within a codependent relationship is insidious and before you know it, it's a habit/addiction, a way of life for you.

  2. #12
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    Unfortunately, nature controls attraction; it is not really a choice. It dealt you some poor cards here.

    Point this woman towards the professionals and services that can help her, and then stay away from her.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen

    This need to control within a codependent relationship is insidious and before you know it, it's a habit/addiction, a way of life for you.
    You're right. What's interesting though is when she got clean I l didn't hound her about anything. My ignorance led me to believe the struggle was over not realizing she still had work that needed to be done on herself. So I was pretty laid back and pretty wishy washy when it came to stopping her from making bad decisions because I wanted to show her I trusted her now. The only time I said anything in the beginning of her recovery is when it came to drinking. I told her she doesnt know when to stop and she should really think about quitting that completely.

    She told me "Everything you're telling me is right. You need to show me how to live. My parents were absent growing up. My mother slept through my childhood and my dad always worked. Be upfront with me. Don't be wishy washy with me. If you think what im doing is a bad idea, tell me. I'll listen. I trust you."

    That's when I started being more "controlling" with her. I thought she was inviting me to be because she didn't trust herself.

    I think she wanted it at first but it became too much for her and started rejected me because of it.

    Oh well. I dodged a bullet. Lesson learned.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Even if you slept together immediately date two when she admitted her addiction was the time to run. Unless you do drugs too?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    It's interesting that your response to the mean and accusatory things she says is "I love you". Talk about rewarding bad behavior! Why should she change when you keep telling her you love her the way she is?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get to a doctor for full STD testing as a well as all transmissible blood-borne diseases including HIV, Hepatitis B and C etc.

    Not only does sex with an IV drug user put you at risk, many prostitute for money to buy drugs.

    You need to mention at the doctor/clinic that you had sex/were intimate/exchanged some body fluids with someone who has track marks and admits to drug abuse.
    Originally Posted by aaforever

    Date 1: Go back to her house. Sleep with her first night.

    Date 2:I notice track marks on her arm and self harm scars all over her left arm.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The work of being addicted is NEVER over. Once you are an addict you are always an addict it is just in what mode of recovery. You can be clean but you’re still an addict. And addictions not properly dealt with will become other addictions.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Even if you slept together immediately date two when she admitted her addiction was the time to run. Unless you do drugs too?
    No I don't do drugs. I didn't run because I was naive to the fact that a relationship with an addict is doomed from the start.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's interesting that your response to the mean and accusatory things she says is "I love you". Talk about rewarding bad behavior! Why should she change when you keep telling her you love her the way she is?
    That wasn't always the case. I broke up with her twice. Once for relapsing, once for giving her number to a guy she originally blocked who sold her weed & valium. I've threatened to leave multiple times thereafter for her behavior. Sometimes I was forgiving and dismissive, sometimes I wasn't. Ive had so many marathon sit down discussions with her about how we need to communicate better, stop internalizing feelings, etc. or the relationship will deteriorate. The only thing that ever worked was actually packing up and leaving. She would chase me down and change whatever behavior that caused me to leave. Talking did nothing, holding her feet to the fire did nothing, letting her do what she wanted to did nothing. I tried everything. It was hopeless from the start.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get tested, people like this often hook for drug money. What you know is the tip of the iceberg. Remember. Everyone....Everyone is a pawn in an addicts life. You too. They may be stupid in many ways, but they know the way of the street ...a lot better than you do.

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