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Ex contacted me and offered help


irka000

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My dad was nearly dying when my bf decided it's best to end things between us. I was gutted but agreed with him.

Few weeks forward ex asked me randomly how was my dad. I only responded that dad passed away. He said how sorry he is and if I need anything at all,he is there for me. I only thanked him. Day later another text asking how I am feeling and if there is anything he can do ?

Is he trying to feel better for doing such noble thing ?

What is the point? What did he expect me to say ?

When I needed him, he chosen to go a for a drink with his friends. Now I don't him.

I am considering not to reply at all. Leave him be. But he may think I am just devastated about my dad' death. True is, yes I am but I am also angry with him. For leaving me at my lowest.

I can't be friends with him. So I am trying to work it out what to say but without coming across as bitter.

I think he feels bad now about breaking up at such hard time. Maybe that's why he tries to offer his help.

I recall checking if my dad is still breathing while he was telling me over the phone ,after I offered apologies , that it's best to leave it.

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Do nothing. Focus on yourself, friends and family. This is not a time to bother with him one way or another. Simply let it all go unanswered, no need for a 'we can't be friends' talk. Why unearth all that now?

When I needed him, he chosen to go a for a drink with his friends. Now I don't. I am considering not to reply at all.
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It sounds to me like the relationship was ending anyway and it would have been unfair of your ex to continue it for an unknown time until your dad passed away which by the sounds of it was inevitable and then what? End it at another untimely point? Or continue until it wasn’t?

 

Your bf didn’t choose to leave you at a low point. The relationship demise just happened to coincide with a low point.

 

He is not offering support out of guilt , he has nothing to feel guilty about , he is simply being nice but you can simply thank him and decline his offer and say you have friends and family for support and leave it at that.

 

I’m very sorry for your loss.

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Feeling guilty for ending it when you were losing your father? Oh hell ya, and who wouldn't? If he had any kind of empathy he does feel bad. But even when a relationship has ran it's course, doesn't mean the caring stops too. He feels bad, but he also feels bad for you. I get it you owe him nothing, but it's still ok to decline anymore contact from him with grace and dignity.

 

My condolences to you and your family at this time. Stay strong. So Sorry for your loss.

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Thank you All. My dad was getting worse so I needed to travel home. I asked bf to spend last weekend with me as I knew I won't see him for over a month.

I asked to consider this while making plans for xmass drinks with friends. He didn't like that. He chosen to see his friend for a drink on Friday and on Saturday he had xmass lunch and informed me he may be tired after when I suggested getting together after his gathering. He offered Sunday and I said I was busy as I need to pack. True is, I was mad he didn't reschedule drinks with his friend that he could see anytime. I was going for over a month and knew I won't spend any of the festive days with him as planned.

I was angry and we had massive fight. I needed to spend time with him and yes I was needy. When if not during hard time like this.

3 days after the fight I called to apologise for being selfish and hard to deal with. He said it would be best to end it. So we broke up.

He was heartless and cold.

So this offer now does not seem very sincere and it's is actually pointless

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His actions before you left showed you were not a priority to him. You were not being selfish. You began to argue because you were upset about his lack of caring, and being hurt often translates to anger. That reminds me of a bf I had for a year, who showed me time and again I wasn't a priority, but apparently my self esteem was so low at the time I kept hoping the relationship would return to the wonderful honeymoon days instead of pulling the plug on a horrible relationship, and he ended up breaking up with me, just as your man did.

 

Back then, I didn't have a block function on my phone, and my ex contacted me four months later, setting my closure on him back to square one, even though I was a stronger person by that time, and was able to quickly shut down whatever goal he had by contacting me.

 

It's up to you whether you give him any reply or not. Regardless, I think you should then block and delete his number to prevent him from intruding on your life when you're trying to heal and move on.

 

I'm sorry for your father's passing. Take care.

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So this offer now does not seem very sincere and it's is actually pointless

 

This is your answer. ^^^

 

He has shown you that when the going gets tough, he will bail. And you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders--that you are a person that when someone shows you who they are, you believe them. I think that whether you contact him to say "no thanks, good luck to you" or just ignore him, either way you will get your point across.

 

My condolences on the loss of your father.

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Irka, didn’t your ex very recently lose someone too?

 

Didn’t you write a post about starting drama during that time?

 

Now he’s a monster?

 

I must say I don’t agree with your assessment at all.

 

Take his reaching out as him being a feeling human just as you.

 

Time to begin moving forward. Now is not the time to be focused on any of this.

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Do nothing. Focus on yourself, friends and family. This is not a time to bother with him one way or another. Simply let it all go unanswered, no need for a 'we can't be friends' talk. Why unearth all that now?

 

I agree with this ^^^^^

 

Additionally, I also think the ex is feeling guilty and that's why he has contacted you. Sorry for your loss, irka. xx

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I'm sorry about the loss of your father, irka.

 

The fact that your ex ended your relationship while your father was ill....gosh, I can't imagine. Dealing with either ordeal is difficult on their own, nevermind both at the same time.

 

However, when reading your previous threads, it's clear you and your ex were not a match.

 

In terms of why your ex is reaching out and his purpose behind it is anyone's guess, so I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about it.

 

What I would do, however, is consider how to best handle this situation for you (not him - you shouldn't respond because you feel obligated) - whether it's responding in a manner that Batya has suggested above, or not responding at all, as Wiseman has suggested.

 

Just do what's best for you. And whatever you decide to do, once you've made up your mind, I'd block and delete his number which will help you with moving on.

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His actions before you left showed you were not a priority to him. You were not being selfish. You began to argue because you were upset about his lack of caring, and being hurt often translates to anger.

 

It's up to you whether you give him any reply or not. Regardless, I think you should then block and delete his number to prevent him from intruding on your life when you're trying to heal and move on.

 

I'm sorry for your father's passing. Take care.

 

I got the same idea also as Andrina - 100%.

 

I also think that your boyfriend might have been worn thin and feeling neglected or unable to support you during your emotional times during your dad's illness. These situations are not unusual and you'll always be surprised by the reactions of a few in times of need or difficulty. It will be painful as all hell but you'll get through it because there will also be people around you who support and understand you in other ways. I found the help and support in the strangest forms and quiet individuals came out of the woodwork from nowhere whom I'd never paid attention to to look out for me and stay with me during rough times. As much as I want to say to leave room for these types of things you'll never really get used to someone you love letting you down. Just don't carry that chip on your shoulder.

 

I'd take time to heal as Andrina has said and this means healing from the break up and processing that anger. I had plenty of anger. Lots and lots of it. Pots of it. Find a support group also if it helps and remember to get back in tune with yourself, carry on doing the things that make you happy.

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At that time I couldn't get it why he couldn't reschedule drink with a friend he can see at any time or that he didn't want to get together after his xmass lunch. I asked him this one time to consider time together before I will travel. In anger he said that his life does not revolve around me etc. It was so easy for him to say no and offered me some crumbs.

The more I insisted, he became more resistant. I knew I was pushing at some point.

He was quite thoughtful bf but only when it came from his initiative. As soon as I asked ....he found a way to be resistant.

I will leave it ....I guess. I just don't want any fesitve wishes etc.

Thank you for the advice and support.

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My dad was nearly dying when my bf decided it's best to end things between us..

 

I had an ex (the one that caused me to join this forum) who dumped me hard (to branch with someone else) a month or so before my mother died.

 

I did no contact, and I clamped down on mutual friends and told them NOT to tell her about it.

 

I could not, at that time, have calmly dealt with getting the sort of communication you are receiving.

 

Tell him, no "No thanks".

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I am still in a shock because of dad. He was only 70. He was diagnosed less than 2 months ago and cancer just attacked him so quickly.

Ray, thank you for your advice. I just read your story.

Catfeeder wrote you such an amazing words ....I found them to be so helpful.

I am also wondering what is the latest about that lady that brought you to this forum....only if you care to share.

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No idea really. Zero contact/ (almost) zero information.

 

As far as I know she is with the guy she went off with. They could be married with a kid by now, for all I know.

 

She respected my wishes and dropped the whole lets be friends rubbish.

 

Time really does cure most grief.

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"Thanks so much for your thoughtful offers and for checking in. I'm doing ok and I don't think it's a good idea for us to be in contact at this time. Take care and all the best to you and your family."

 

Good response. Then block and delete.

 

Sorry for the loos of dad.

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  • 1 month later...

I know this may be boring but...

Little update : after 2 months NC he contacted me and asked how come we let a good relationship end?

I was actually quite surprised and upset as for me this was all tangled with my dad passing away.

It wasn't just a break but almost end of my world. I was devastated.

He sounded breezy. He somehow did not connect this two.

He sounded cheerful and overly confident. Naturally polite, respectful and charming.

I reminded him how all happened. He had slightly different recollection of events.

 

Bottom line is - he asked for us to overcome this and try again. That relationship was too good to waste it.

I agreed that it was a shame but I declined the offer.

He was surprised. A smile that I could hear in his voice was gone but he accepted and wished me well.

 

For the last two months all I dreamed off was for him to ask me back. But not like this...not so cocky. Not in a such a confident way.

Friends say I should be happy that I had an opportunity to decline as he was way too sure of my feelings for him.

So why I can't sleep and why I feel even worse than when he broke up with me ?

Why I really feel like I wasted opportunity?

I am making all the right steps...gym, hobbies ,friends but can't turn the volume off....too loud.

Did I make the big mistake by rejecting him ?

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