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Thread: Husband Things Itís Healthy to be Unfaithful

  1. #1
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    Husband Things Itís Healthy to be Unfaithful

    After 10 years of being with my husband, I learned a lot about him these past three days I have just a shock to me. We are 30 years old, no kids. We have what we both have expressed is a lovely life together, we have a healthy sex life, still enjoy doing so many things together and have a home that we are both very thankful for. We love each otherís company and affection. This has been communicated by both of us to each other.

    two nights ago, hell broke loose. He asked me if he could get a drink with a female friend, one he worked with and whom Iíve only met once. He has expressed that this girl is very pretty on multiple occasions. I was OK with him getting the drink. He said he wouldnít be gone too long and we would watch a movie together later. He ended up being gone until one in the morning, never calling me or communicating with me. Later I found out that he had actually driven back with her to her house alone and several more lies followed until I did investigating and confronted him. I donít think they did anything But talk, because heís let me know his job is number one and he wouldnít put himself in the situation of embarrassment at work. It still really hurt me that he had spent so many hours with her, they texted the next day and he has spent time for an hour or two talking with her on the phone. He says itís all to help him decompress from work because I canít help him in that way because I donít know his field.
    In the past he has been unfaithful to me, twice. he has gone down on one woman and has felt the breasts of another. Last night he said he doesnít understand why I was so upset about those situations. After conveying to him that these things hurt me and that Iím OK with having female friends but Iím not OK with him engaging in sexual acts that hurt me, he let me know that he thinks itís healthy. He thinks that by getting attention from other women keeps him wanting to stay fit and attractive so that I have a fit and attractive husband. he also says that as long as I donít know about things that I donít get hurt and he gets his attention and fulfilament. He says ďwould you rather be with a fat husband?Ē within our big fight he also expressed that he doesnít believe in monogamy, that he thinks itís absolutely absurd it to be with just the same person for the rest of your life. he said he canít imagine only touching one pair of breasts for the rest of his life. he said he thinks that thereís no way people can stay together and that heís going to get bored. Yet at the same time he says he really loves me and he really loves our life and isnt bored. when I asked him if he could please be honest with me and not cross the boundary line he thinks that the boundary line should be penetration. He thinks that things like making out or touching other women are OK because it enhances his self-esteem. He said that he would ďtryď. I talked to him about the idea Of having these needs met by going to a strip club or doing things with another woman in which I Am also there and I agree to. We have done that before and itís been great because I have given permission that Iím OK with him touching of the other female as long as Iím there. But he thinks thatís not enough. He doesnít want it to have to be a stripper I think he wants it to be an actual female that converses with him and pays him attention.
    I think he has some mental health issues needing to be addressed. He agreed that he isnít the norm and is an . I told him I donít think I can be with someone like him anymore and he has challenged me to leave. He says I wonít do it. He says I donít have enough self worth to leave him. He is right, Iím scared. I love my life (so I thought before all this came out) and Iíve been with him for 10 years... this is devastating to me. Please help

  2. #2
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    Good grief ....

    He is the worst kind of person ...putting it all on you , his excuses and his reasoning are sickening and his attack on your self esteem is nothing short of cruel verbal abuse in my mind ... You didn't help matters by agreeing to him touching women as long as you are there ...that was his golden ticket .

    My darling ...your life is wonderful because he is getting his cake and eating it whenever he feels like it ...So he makes for a happy homelife with you .

    Time for you to have a damn good think about the rest of your life ...he is a manipulator and a cheat .

  3. #3
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    This guy is awful. He is a disrespectful, selfish, and a lying cheat. Throwing this on you is disgraceful! He is emotionally and physically cheating on you. He is having an affair with her.

    I think you are great denial. He has already cheated on you twice- that you know of-why would this be any different. The boundary lines are "penetration?" Oh goodness. Where is your self worth? He does not respect you.

    You should have left the first time. He does not value you. If you are not cool with him being other women, you should seek a divorce. It will get worse, as he knows he can walk all over you.

    Leave this jerk! I also suggest you get tested for STDs.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Good grief ....

    He is the worst kind of person ...putting it all on you , his excuses and his reasoning are sickening and his attack on your self esteem is nothing short of cruel verbal abuse in my mind ... You didn't help matters by agreeing to him touching women as long as you are there ...that was his golden ticket .

    My darling ...your life is wonderful because he is getting his cake and eating it whenever he feels like it ...So he makes for a happy homelife with you .

    Time for you to have a damn good think about the rest of your life ...he is a manipulator and a cheat .
    I agree! He is abusive.

    Karleec, what would you advise a friend or sister? Do others know?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This guy is awful. He is a disrespectful, selfish, and a lying cheat. Throwing this on you is disgraceful! He is emotionally and physically cheating on you. He is having an affair with her.

    I think you are great denial. He has already cheated on you twice- that you know of-why would this be any different. The boundary lines are "penetration?" Oh goodness. Where is your self worth? He does not respect you.

    You should have left the first time. He does not value you. If you are not cool with him being other women, you should seek a divorce. It will get worse, as he knows he can walk all over you.

    Leave this jerk! I also suggest you get tested for STDs.
    Yes and not to copy holls , but I agree with what you have said 100% ... He has actually made me angry ~!!!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Yes and not to copy holls , but I agree with what you have said 100% ... He has actually made me angry ~!!!
    But, she has allowed this. We have to love ourselves more, ladies. We have to show ourselves care and respect.

    The face that he challenged her at the end, is more demeaning. She needs to be done! This is not love.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If he wants an open relationship, it goes both ways. If he wants to continue cheating, privately and confidentially get to an attorney to discuss your options in the event of a divorce. If he wants to stay married in a monogamous relationship he needs to go to marriage therapy with you.

    Do not give him permission to cheat unless you want an open marriage. So make appts today with a therapist and an attorney to cover all the bases and be prepared to call him on the cheating. Or get a lover of your own.

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    Absolutely not I know I canít do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, itís been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.

  10. #9
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    Do not tell him you are consulting an attorney. Stop talking to him and start enlisting very trusted friends and family in an exit strategy. An attorney can help you with division of assets, home, dog, money, ,etc.
    Originally Posted by Karleec
    How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly.

  11. #10
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    You are only 30. He had been cheating on you for years. You need to think about your future.

    In addition to the cheating, h is also threatening you, and you are saying how loving he is. I do not understand. Have you told family and friends?

    I am in my mid 50's and would not stick around. Do you want to expose kids to this dysfunction and toxcity. You need to understand that he is abusive.

    He is clearly not a friend.

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