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Thread: Husband Things Itís Healthy to be Unfaithful

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Karleec
    Absolutely not I know I canít do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, itís been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.
    You are just making paper thin excuses due to your codependency. Get the help you need for a good therapist to overcome that and you will see exactly why there is no reason to stay with someone that goes against your very grain. As I've said above... you are an enabler and I suspect its because you had to endure some kind of family dynamic that is very similar to what you endure now, while you were growing up. You couldn't fix things then and you'll never be able to do it now when you enable what is damaged.

    Love yourself, work on nurturing your inner child and stop focusing on how "well" he treats you when he's not b***s deep in some other reprobate woman that doesn't care about the fact that he has a wife at home crying over his debauchery.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You need to open you eye a little wider and see he has been lying to you all this time. He has actually slept with other women, and there are more you don't know about. No man just touches boobs or goes down on someone without him getting his happy ending. He's pretty damn confident in himself because you kept believing his lies so why would this time be any different? Get a good lawyer and you will be able to keep your wonderful life...just without him in it.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Karleec
    I am struggling because my parents have faught my whole life and have caused a lot of PTSD in my life... they are going through their worst time and their energy is so toxic. I donít have them for support, and I donít have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister. He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me. We are supposed to go away with them tomorrow for the holidays.
    I feel like I donít have a support system at all.
    Also I asked him to reverse the roles and he said he doesnít think heíd have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didnít know about it.
    Omg I have been with this man for 10 years Iím just stunned!!
    He has cheated on you multiple times. How can you be "stunned?"

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Coercion, manipulation and psychological/emotional abuse. Thatís what heís dishing out. As it currently stands you are not a wife, you are a hostage. ďDo exactly as I say and nobody gets hurtĒ (except that it does hurt, doesnít it?)

    Looks like a crossroads to me: stay and accept him as he is or go. Do you see a middle way? Based on your original post I cannot.
    She is not a "hostage." She could have left after the first betrayal. No gun to head, here.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There you go...he wants an open relationship. You don't want to leave so take care.
    Originally Posted by Karleec
    he doesnít think heíd have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didnít know about it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Karleec
    he doesnít think heíd have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didnít know about it.
    Who cares what he would or wouldn't have a problem with. This is about you and you clearly have a problem with him schtuuping outside of your marriage.

    I suggest if you are too afraid, too lacking in self love and confidence to get rid of him then you get yourself involved in some forums for the polyamorous rather then a mainly monogamous forum and educate yourself about the dynamic. You should start with googling the word "compersion" and read up on how poly people deal with jealousy and letting go of "possessive love."

    You doing nothing and staying with this man and being angst ridden and emotionally tortured whenever he is out schtuuping is going to damage your mental health so do something to help you cope if you're going to stay. I suspect if you get with other men (and it will be a lot more easier for you than him to pull your side piece) he won't be so magnanimous so you best find out what he will do to you if he does happen to "find out."

  8. #27
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    You need to learn to be on your own OP if it means losing this jerk! Would you rather be miserable every time your husband goes off with other woman? Or on your own not having to worry about this crap! Loneliness isn't bad once you learn to love yourself know your self worth and not put up with things that are toxic.

    I hope you leave this man and get a divorce! Love shouldnít be like this!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Karleec
    I am struggling because my parents have faught my whole life and have caused a lot of PTSD in my life... they are going through their worst time and their energy is so toxic. I donít have them for support, and I donít have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister. He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me. We are supposed to go away with them tomorrow for the holidays.
    I feel like I donít have a support system at all.
    Also I asked him to reverse the roles and he said he doesnít think heíd have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didnít know about it.
    Omg I have been with this man for 10 years Iím just stunned!!

    Parents aren't the be all-end all of support. People on this board care, your friends care, divorce support groups care, counselors care- You have people and you can have MORE, too! So call his bluff- LET him leave you. You shouldn't have to leave- HE SHOULD. Let him face the consequences for being a lying, cheating, gas-lighting, manipulative, disrespectful scumbag!!!!

    He's just saying that cause he KNOWS you won't! It's VERY easy to say you'd be fine with somebody doing something that you KNOW they will never never, ever do.

    It seems to me like he was just hiding stuff from you and as the years go by and he realizes he can basically treat you like garbage and do whatever he wants- he tells you more.

    Make no mistake- you stay with him, it will only get worse. I really hope you realize that you are worth so much more than this. No one woman will ever be enough for him. He clearly has zero interest in telling you the truth. And even is he WASN'T a serial cheater- he does not respect you even a little bit. He is NOT your friend. He does NOT love you. He does NOT care about you. He is a worthless Piece of human excrement!!!!!

    Please please please LEAVE this worthless loser or let him leave you (as he claims he will- I don't buy it.) Please do not spend more years subjecting yourself to this abuse- and believe me- this is SERIOUS abuse. There are good men out there. There is support out there. I'm so very very sorry you are going thru this. But please do not believe his lies- People DO care about you. You are NOT alone. He is just trying to manipulate you into being his "good little wife" while he lives a life separate from you and screws whoever he wants whenever he wants. You deserve so much better. Talk to friends and get a good lawyer- PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not google "cycle of violence" as well as "red flags for abusers". Being isolated and slowly brainwashed are risk factors for you. If he has firearms that adds another layer. Make an appointment with your doctor. Tell your doctor everything. Everything. Get tested for STDs. Tell them what is going on. They can refer you to help. Do Not mention that to him, tell him it's a "routine checkup"

    You can contact any agency you wish for support. There is a plethora of online and local resources available. Since you are not ready or willing to leave, what you can do is start informing yourself. You are childless and young enough to start over with a decent man.

    Do not research this from your home or your phone. He may have spyware on it. Go to library or other public resource. Do not rely on your sister-in-law as a friend. Do Not confide in her about anything in your life whatsoever.

    You need to start getting out of the house much more. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, (maybe for a domestic violence organization). Get a side hustle if you work full time. The more you are out the more clear you will become, the less isolated you'll be the more friends you'll make and the happier you will be.
    Originally Posted by Karleec
    I donít have them for support, and I donít have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister.
    I feel like I donít have a support system at all.

  11. #30
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    Wiseman is right -- do not do a thing at home, not one thing, and don't trust anyone connected to your husband. You need a lawyer, you need a plan, you need to go. So he will leave you if you tell? So what, he is going out of his way to make you crazy and miserable -- that is not love. You need a support system? Go out and get one -- plenty of support groups for divorcing and abused women (and I know you think he is a dear, but once you are out and get some therapy, which you should, you will see what a creep this guy really is).

    I have a friend who fought tooth and nail for a marriage to a guy who was completely self-centered and did NOTHING -- she paid for and did everything. She finally left and within a few weeks got a much clearer understanding of how distorted her view was by being with someone who treated her so badly. Now she is getting help and moving on -- and it is hard, but she is going to be so much better off not being married to slug like him. Your circumstances are different (her husband is insufficiently motivated and attractive to have affairs) but you will get out, you will get help and you will find it hard to believe that you fell for all of his bull and that you thought there was good there.

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