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Husband Things It’s Healthy to be Unfaithful


Karleec

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After 10 years of being with my husband, I learned a lot about him these past three days I have just a shock to me. We are 30 years old, no kids. We have what we both have expressed is a lovely life together, we have a healthy sex life, still enjoy doing so many things together and have a home that we are both very thankful for. We love each other’s company and affection. This has been communicated by both of us to each other.

 

two nights ago, hell broke loose. He asked me if he could get a drink with a female friend, one he worked with and whom I’ve only met once. He has expressed that this girl is very pretty on multiple occasions. I was OK with him getting the drink. He said he wouldn’t be gone too long and we would watch a movie together later. He ended up being gone until one in the morning, never calling me or communicating with me. Later I found out that he had actually driven back with her to her house alone and several more lies followed until I did investigating and confronted him. I don’t think they did anything But talk, because he’s let me know his job is number one and he wouldn’t put himself in the situation of embarrassment at work. It still really hurt me that he had spent so many hours with her, they texted the next day and he has spent time for an hour or two talking with her on the phone. He says it’s all to help him decompress from work because I can’t help him in that way because I don’t know his field.

In the past he has been unfaithful to me, twice. he has gone down on one woman and has felt the breasts of another. Last night he said he doesn’t understand why I was so upset about those situations. After conveying to him that these things hurt me and that I’m OK with having female friends but I’m not OK with him engaging in sexual acts that hurt me, he let me know that he thinks it’s healthy. He thinks that by getting attention from other women keeps him wanting to stay fit and attractive so that I have a fit and attractive husband. he also says that as long as I don’t know about things that I don’t get hurt and he gets his attention and fulfilament. He says “would you rather be with a fat husband?” within our big fight he also expressed that he doesn’t believe in monogamy, that he thinks it’s absolutely absurd it to be with just the same person for the rest of your life. he said he can’t imagine only touching one pair of breasts for the rest of his life. he said he thinks that there’s no way people can stay together and that he’s going to get bored. Yet at the same time he says he really loves me and he really loves our life and isnt bored. when I asked him if he could please be honest with me and not cross the boundary line he thinks that the boundary line should be penetration. He thinks that things like making out or touching other women are OK because it enhances his self-esteem. He said that he would “try“. I talked to him about the idea Of having these needs met by going to a strip club or doing things with another woman in which I Am also there and I agree to. We have done that before and it’s been great because I have given permission that I’m OK with him touching of the other female as long as I’m there. But he thinks that’s not enough. He doesn’t want it to have to be a stripper I think he wants it to be an actual female that converses with him and pays him attention.

I think he has some mental health issues needing to be addressed. He agreed that he isn’t the norm and is an . I told him I don’t think I can be with someone like him anymore and he has challenged me to leave. He says I won’t do it. He says I don’t have enough self worth to leave him. He is right, I’m scared. I love my life (so I thought before all this came out) and I’ve been with him for 10 years... this is devastating to me. Please help

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Good grief ....

 

He is the worst kind of person ...putting it all on you , his excuses and his reasoning are sickening and his attack on your self esteem is nothing short of cruel verbal abuse in my mind ... You didn't help matters by agreeing to him touching women as long as you are there ...that was his golden ticket .

 

My darling ...your life is wonderful because he is getting his cake and eating it whenever he feels like it ...So he makes for a happy homelife with you .

 

Time for you to have a damn good think about the rest of your life ...he is a manipulator and a cheat .

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This guy is awful. He is a disrespectful, selfish, and a lying cheat. Throwing this on you is disgraceful! He is emotionally and physically cheating on you. He is having an affair with her.

 

I think you are great denial. He has already cheated on you twice- that you know of-why would this be any different. The boundary lines are "penetration?" Oh goodness. Where is your self worth? He does not respect you.

 

You should have left the first time. He does not value you. If you are not cool with him being other women, you should seek a divorce. It will get worse, as he knows he can walk all over you.

 

Leave this jerk! I also suggest you get tested for STDs.

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Good grief ....

 

He is the worst kind of person ...putting it all on you , his excuses and his reasoning are sickening and his attack on your self esteem is nothing short of cruel verbal abuse in my mind ... You didn't help matters by agreeing to him touching women as long as you are there ...that was his golden ticket .

 

My darling ...your life is wonderful because he is getting his cake and eating it whenever he feels like it ...So he makes for a happy homelife with you .

 

Time for you to have a damn good think about the rest of your life ...he is a manipulator and a cheat .

 

I agree! He is abusive.

 

Karleec, what would you advise a friend or sister? Do others know?

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This guy is awful. He is a disrespectful, selfish, and a lying cheat. Throwing this on you is disgraceful! He is emotionally and physically cheating on you. He is having an affair with her.

 

I think you are great denial. He has already cheated on you twice- that you know of-why would this be any different. The boundary lines are "penetration?" Oh goodness. Where is your self worth? He does not respect you.

 

You should have left the first time. He does not value you. If you are not cool with him being other women, you should seek a divorce. It will get worse, as he knows he can walk all over you.

 

Leave this jerk! I also suggest you get tested for STDs.

 

Yes and not to copy holls , but I agree with what you have said 100% ... He has actually made me angry ~!!!

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Yes and not to copy holls , but I agree with what you have said 100% ... He has actually made me angry ~!!!

 

But, she has allowed this. We have to love ourselves more, ladies. We have to show ourselves care and respect.

 

The face that he challenged her at the end, is more demeaning. She needs to be done! This is not love.

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If he wants an open relationship, it goes both ways. If he wants to continue cheating, privately and confidentially get to an attorney to discuss your options in the event of a divorce. If he wants to stay married in a monogamous relationship he needs to go to marriage therapy with you.

 

Do not give him permission to cheat unless you want an open marriage. So make appts today with a therapist and an attorney to cover all the bases and be prepared to call him on the cheating. Or get a lover of your own.

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Absolutely not I know I can’t do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, it’s been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.

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Do not tell him you are consulting an attorney. Stop talking to him and start enlisting very trusted friends and family in an exit strategy. An attorney can help you with division of assets, home, dog, money, ,etc.

How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly.
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You are only 30. He had been cheating on you for years. You need to think about your future.

 

In addition to the cheating, h is also threatening you, and you are saying how loving he is. I do not understand. Have you told family and friends?

 

I am in my mid 50's and would not stick around. Do you want to expose kids to this dysfunction and toxcity. You need to understand that he is abusive.

 

He is clearly not a friend.

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He has shown you who he is and he is not going to change. Time to make an informed choice. Are you OK with him behaving like that for the rest of your life? If yes, agree to an open marriage and stop trying to regulate his cheating. If no, seek legal advice on how to get a divorce on the grounds of infidelity and get professional therapy to address why you stayed on after being cheated multiple times. He is right in that a woman who loves herself would have left him a long time ago. He is going to keep pushing the envelope until you are left with no boundaries uncrossed. Do you really want to stick around for that?

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The thing is this is such a wonderful relationship because he gets to do what he wants ... so his life is sweet , he has a devoted , loving wife who he manipulates so bad he is actually trying to make you believe he is doing your marriage a favour by been fit and attractive to other women ....he is trying to make that ok ..is this really your best friend ? Is he your best friend when he is having sex with other women ...would you treat your best friend so cruelly ...

 

You are so programmed by him that you cannot see this clearly .......

 

Then he tells you it will get ugly because he is in law enforcement ! This man is a dirty piece of work .

 

You need your parents/siblings/friends around you to help you do this .

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This really made me angry. This man is the worse kind. I take it this is a serious post....I had to read twice to believe it.

You are only 30. You can have beautiful life on your own and eventually with someone else who has the same moral compass as you.

I wonder if he would be ok if you would be going down on other men. Have you discussed that part ?

Oh I would !

In 5 years you won't be able to look at yourself in the mirror if you will stay. He only begins. At his 30 he will have more absurd ideas and you will be hurt on regular basis.

Please ask yourself if you are really fine with an open marriage? Are you ?

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I am struggling because my parents have faught my whole life and have caused a lot of PTSD in my life... they are going through their worst time and their energy is so toxic. I don’t have them for support, and I don’t have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister. He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me. We are supposed to go away with them tomorrow for the holidays.

I feel like I don’t have a support system at all.

Also I asked him to reverse the roles and he said he doesn’t think he’d have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didn’t know about it.

Omg I have been with this man for 10 years I’m just stunned!!

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he's a cheater. He gets away with it because you let him.

 

I doubt he has mental health issues - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too

 

I told him I don’t think I can be with someone like him anymore and he has challenged me to leave. He says I won’t do it. He says I don’t have enough self worth to leave him. He is right, I’m scared. I love my life (so I thought before all this came out) and I’ve been with him for 10 years... this is devastating to me.

 

- Yup. Relationships can be tough and require work. If you want to save this, you may have to get tough.

 

Get him to counseling, or you may have to use tough love......leave him for a time, or cut off sex - perhaps then he'll get the message and be ready to really listen to you and change.

 

If you don't do this, you will live in misery until you finally hate him enough that you will divorce him. And then there is no coming back - ever.

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In the past he has been unfaithful to me, twice.
and yet when he asked you if it would be okay to go on a date like activity with her, you said it would be okay? You, my dear are an enabler. After being unfaithful to you twice, it is quite clear that this man is incapable of being monogamous and unless you start taking side lovers of your own so that you're not so resentful in your enabling, you might as well leave this man and find someone that you are actually compatible with in your sexual preference.

 

He's "challenged you to leave" My dear, this man doesn't even love you so it's no wonder that he won't be monogamous. With your inaction you clearly are telling him that you don't give a **&% if he beds other women as long a he doesn't leave YOU.

 

Get the professional help you need to either get the strength to leave him OR (not recommended in this case) learn how to enable without resentment of what you enable.

 

I apologize for my bluntness but I have very little sympathy for enablers who stay and do nothing be complain or be unhappy while they stay.

 

He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me.
Then tell them and let him do the leaving so you can be free to be with someone who doesn't double/triple dip. Get yourself tested for STD's and then go to his mother and ask her for her advice about her son and how to handle his betrayals. Make it look like you're actually wanting to be with him (pretend) and see what they have to say and what he does. If he does leave... don't let him back and immediately seek our a lawyer to help you with your rights and obligations. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you. Get your own therapy for that.

 

Adding: Do yourself a great favor and DO NOT allow yourself to become pregnant by this man or you will have to suffer his abuse and threats and manipulation for at least the next 18 years when your child has reached the age of consent to live without yours and your turd of a husband's input and consent.

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Coercion, manipulation and psychological/emotional abuse. That’s what he’s dishing out. As it currently stands you are not a wife, you are a hostage. “Do exactly as I say and nobody gets hurt” (except that it does hurt, doesn’t it?)

 

Looks like a crossroads to me: stay and accept him as he is or go. Do you see a middle way? Based on your original post I cannot.

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He challenged you to leave ?

He is disrespectful and simply cruel. He wouldn't mind if you would be sexual with other men as long as he doesn't know it ?

I am lost for words....I really hope you will find strength to do what is right for you.

How do you feel right now ?

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Your norm is this type of behaviour so reconditioning yourself won't happen overnight. It's years and years of debilitating and self-sabotaging thoughts or thought patterns. I'm very sorry. The first step means taking care of yourself and acknowledging that you have serious issues with your self-esteem. See someone, talk to someone. This is a total makeover for you and no changes will ever come about until you re-evaluate your entire life.

 

Asking him to change isn't likely going to result in any changes. It feels like paper planes on an elephant's back. He knows that you have low self-worth. There are people like that everywhere - opportunists, mad and insane people, psychopaths, sociopaths and manipulators. Take care of yourself and don't expect this person to look out for your best interests.

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Absolutely not I know I can’t do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, it’s been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.

You are just making paper thin excuses due to your codependency. Get the help you need for a good therapist to overcome that and you will see exactly why there is no reason to stay with someone that goes against your very grain. As I've said above... you are an enabler and I suspect its because you had to endure some kind of family dynamic that is very similar to what you endure now, while you were growing up. You couldn't fix things then and you'll never be able to do it now when you enable what is damaged.

 

Love yourself, work on nurturing your inner child and stop focusing on how "well" he treats you when he's not b***s deep in some other reprobate woman that doesn't care about the fact that he has a wife at home crying over his debauchery.

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You need to open you eye a little wider and see he has been lying to you all this time. He has actually slept with other women, and there are more you don't know about. No man just touches boobs or goes down on someone without him getting his happy ending. He's pretty damn confident in himself because you kept believing his lies so why would this time be any different? Get a good lawyer and you will be able to keep your wonderful life...just without him in it.

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I am struggling because my parents have faught my whole life and have caused a lot of PTSD in my life... they are going through their worst time and their energy is so toxic. I don’t have them for support, and I don’t have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister. He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me. We are supposed to go away with them tomorrow for the holidays.

I feel like I don’t have a support system at all.

Also I asked him to reverse the roles and he said he doesn’t think he’d have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didn’t know about it.

Omg I have been with this man for 10 years I’m just stunned!!

 

He has cheated on you multiple times. How can you be "stunned?"

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Coercion, manipulation and psychological/emotional abuse. That’s what he’s dishing out. As it currently stands you are not a wife, you are a hostage. “Do exactly as I say and nobody gets hurt” (except that it does hurt, doesn’t it?)

 

Looks like a crossroads to me: stay and accept him as he is or go. Do you see a middle way? Based on your original post I cannot.

 

She is not a "hostage." She could have left after the first betrayal. No gun to head, here.

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