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Advice on helping husband mature (emotional stunted due to childhood)


AskingQuestions

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Hello everyone,

 

I'm hoping that I can get some advice on helping my husband with maturing his emotional state.

 

Very long story short, he had a very traumatic childhood (divorced parents at young age, emotionally abusive mother, loving step-father committed suicide, lost friends to illness in his teens). When we met, it was about a year after his step-father passed away. He has come a long way in the last 10 years and we got married this year. We love each other to bits, but I've noticed recently that I seem to have taken almost a mothering role in our relationship. I've probably noticed because the workload just became too much for me to handle by myself.

 

It's not like I do everything, but it's probably a split of 90-10, so it's most things.

 

Without getting into too fine a detail (it could make this post very long!), I seem to be taking on almost all of the responsibility with tasks (including planning about 90% of our wedding and doing 99% of the work for buying our home), and if I'm not doing it myself, I have to ask him very often to do his tasks (example, he has been saying for years he will learn to drive but he has yet to even do the theory test, or even simple tasks like feeding the dog or emptying the dishwasher).

 

If I was to sum it all up, at times he acts like a child. We've had some discussions around this and it's come to light for us both that basically, he didn't get the right direction when growing up and he never really was put in the position to mature emotionally. When his mother stopped paying their rent and he and his brother got kicked out of the family home, he moved in with his grandmother. She took up the caring role without either of them realizing it, so while his brother got his own place with his girlfriend and learnt how to deal with life, my husband didn't. And when we moved in together, I unknowingly took up the more caring role. So I am partly to blame, this I know.

 

I also want to say that he is not a bad person, he sees his flaws (I'm not perfect either) and he's trying to work on them.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever gone through something similar and if so, how did they help the other person (or themselves) to mature?

 

Thank you!

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He doesn't do chores because he doesn't have to. He knows you'll do them for him.

 

And he does too know how. A grown man knows a dog needs to eat!

 

I suggest you sit down with him and divide the chores. If he doesn't do his share, oh well, it doesn't get done. When he runs out of clean clothes or there's no food in the house he'll catch on real quick.

 

But...do not assign him the chore of feeding the dog.

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Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you've been together?

 

I really wouldn't make this all about his childhood, but more about wanting to change your relationship dynamic and make some improvements to the co-running of the "business" of marriage together. Make it specific, not general, as bolt suggested: a list of things that need to be done every day, and then divide that list, as well as very real timeline for when he learns to drive.

 

You do your part, and he'll do...well, he'll do what he does. Hopefully he steps up a bit, when he realizes things don't get done unless he does them. That means that you have to change too, not picking up the slack but having faith in two facts: (1) that he is an adult human who has more than enough capability to unload a dishwasher, etc; and (2) that you are an adult human that does not want to be a mother to a husband.

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Yeah chores is one that we really need to split. He doesn't like the idea of making a list like that, but I know that's because he has to do his list. It's the same feeling I had when I was a child (very few kids actually want to do chores) but my siblings and I still did them, and now it's just part of our everyday (they need to be done, so you just do them without thinking now). It's this kind of parental guidance that he didn't get when he was young so he never really learnt how to be a responsible adult.

 

Chore list is definitely a good starting point. Simple steps to start with. Thank you :)

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He doesn't do chores because he doesn't have to. He knows you'll do them for him.

 

A grown man knows a dog needs to eat!

 

When he runs out of clean clothes or there's no food in the house he'll catch on real quick.

 

 

- Not necessarily. Some people have developmental issues.

 

You married a man-child. I would recommend counseling.

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Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you've been together?

 

I really wouldn't make this all about his childhood, but more about wanting to change your relationship dynamic and make some improvements to the co-running of the "business" of marriage together. Make it specific, not general, as bolt suggested: a list of things that need to be done every day, and then divide that list, as well as very real timeline for when he learns to drive.

 

You do your part, and he'll do...well, he'll do what he does. Hopefully he steps up a bit, when he realizes things don't get done unless he does them. That means that you have to change too, not picking up the slack but having faith in two facts: (1) that he is an adult human who has more than enough capability to unload a dishwasher, etc; and (2) that you are an adult human that does not want to be a mother to a husband.

 

I'm 33 and he is 36, we've been together as a couple since 2010 so known each other 10 years (end of 2009 we met), 9 years together and 4 months married.

 

Yes I've realised I need to change also and stop picking up the slack. An example of me doing this is me saying how if the clothes aren't in the wash basket, I won't wash them. But yet I still ask him to gather up his clothes when I'm about to do a wash, even when they aren't in the basket at that point. So I'm not sticking to it either.

 

I need to let go a little and have faith in the 2 facts you said there. I definitely want to be his wife, not his mother!

 

Thank you :)

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- Not necessarily. Some people have developmental issues.

 

You married a man-child. I would recommend counseling.

 

He has gone to some counseling to help with dealing with his past. He improved a lot in himself as a result. I have been thinking of seeing if he would be interested in a couple session to deal with these types of issues. I've held off though as I wasn't sure. Seems like it would definitely be a good idea going by what you guys are saying here.

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I agree he doesnt do things because you do them for him. Time to stop that. If he needs a list posted on the fridge as to what he is to do, then make a list, tape it to the fridge. Go over it with him so he understands.

 

My husband's half sister doesnt function like an adult, she does not have any disability, she's just really lazy and doesnt care. She doesnt drive, she'd forget to feed the dog if she had one. She's a slob, and her place is a real mess. But she's ok with it because she lives alone, nobody to hassle her about it.

 

Your husband sounds like his half sister. I dont buy that his upbringing is why he's the way he is. Sure is wasnt an ideal childhood but anyone with a pet can feed it, no excuse for that. If he doesnt drive, that's on him, let him walk or take the bus like my husband's half sis does.

 

You need to quit babying him or he'll never mature into a grown man who acts responsibly.

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Sorry this is happening. You need to stop mothering. Get very busy outside of the house. Join some clubs, groups, volunteer, take classes or courses, work a fun part-time job, etc. Make an appt with a therapist and explore your need to control, dominate, invalidate and re-raise him.

 

When you become the parent and dominate things you kill the relationship, so you need to discontinue this. Stop talking and nagging because it's you who needs to change your behavior. Stop being a taskmaster.

 

He is who he is, and you knew this going into things. This is has nothing to do with a difficult child hood so stop making excuses or playing therapist (another relationship killer role you need to stop assuming). Did he live with someone before? How did he survive? Does he work?

 

You can not fix or change anyone but yourself so stop infantilizing him. Stop doing his tasks for example, be busy at work or out of the house so he has to take public transport.

we got married this year.

I seem to have taken almost a mothering role in our relationship.

I seem to be taking on almost all of the responsibility with tasks

I have to ask him very often to do his tasks

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It's going to be a challenge, since you've been equal participants in the very dynamic you're now bothered by.

 

The good news is that, while you have no real power to change him, you can change your own behavior. Start there, and part of that is working to drop this teary narrative that all this is directly linked to his childhood, since that's kind of a hall pass for it to continue. If he makes that link, I would respond with the firm suggestion that he explores that in therapy, since along with not wanting to be a wife-mom you don't want to be a wife-therapist.

 

Then go back to doing your half—no more, no less—and let him lift his weight. He is fully capable. If he chooses not to—well, then you might have to do some very real math about whether this is a partnership that you believe can serve you for the next half century or so. But that's down the line. One step at a time.

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When you act like a mother, he will see you as one and your sex life will go down the tubes.

 

Yes, it's mind boggling how some people need everything spelled out. In my first marriage, with my husband and two teen daughters, they couldn't figure out that they should be responsible for a meal when I was the last person to arrive home at 7:30 at night. I had to write everything on a dry erase board: Put the frozen lasagna in the oven at 6:00 at 400 degrees. And I did have a chore chart.

 

If your husband balks at that, tell him it hasn't worked out without one, so until he can prove he can accomplish things without being told, that the list will stay.

 

How about making him responsible for things that he will suffer the consequences from if they are not done? Tell him he's now responsible for doing his own laundry. That also means folding it and putting it away or hanging it up in the closet. Choose days where he is responsible for making dinner. If he doesn't, make yourself something simple like a grilled cheese sandwich but do not prepare anything for him, and don't say a word about it to him like snide remarks. Your actions will speak louder than words.

 

You're going to have to be tough now to get any results. My husband had a childhood as equally traumatic as your husband's, but my husband never has to be nagged about anything. In fact, he goes above and beyond and does extra chores and tells me he wants me to have a good day off without worrying about the laundry.

 

You're going to have to get a spine and tell him you're flat out tired, and he needs to step up. If he doesn't, how can you assume he cares, if he doesn't care that you're tired and dissatisfied?

 

How does he perform at his job? Like another poster suggested, give him a deadline of when he needs to get his license, and if he doesn't, make him suffer the consequences. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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When you act like a mother, he will see you as one and your sex life will go down the tubes.

 

Yes, it's mind boggling how some people need everything spelled out. In my first marriage, with my husband and two teen daughters, they couldn't figure out that they should be responsible for a meal when I was the last person to arrive home at 7:30 at night. I had to write everything on a dry erase board: Put the frozen lasagna in the oven at 6:00 at 400 degrees. And I did have a chore chart.

 

If your husband balks at that, tell him it hasn't worked out without one, so until he can prove he can accomplish things without being told, that the list will stay.

 

 

- Ah, the infamous Honey-do list!

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Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's good to have it pointed out plainly sometimes.

 

I totally recognise and accept that I had a big part in this with my babying ways, even if I didn't realise I was doing it at the time. It's only in the last year with the wedding and house planning that I started to see it.

 

Yeah our love life has been a little sparce for the last little while. It's good when it happens, just spaced out a bit more than I would like! I can imagine this situation definitely plays a part in that issue also.

 

He does work as a barman (one reason why there's more of a push to get him on the road because he can't always get a bus home so I have to collect him on the late nights. This is temporary over the Winter months as he was on day shifts before and will be going back to them in the new year). Good job with good people, no issues there thankfully (other than the late nights at the moment).

 

I get frustrated at times rather than being mad with him, because now I see why it has turned out this way. He is willing and definitely able to step up and be my husband and not my husband-child, so I can be a wife and not a wife-mom! I also need to look into having a councelling session because there must be a reason I took up this role without realising.

 

Just as I'm writing this, I realise this isn't the first time I've tried to take care of who could be the underdog in a situation. I made a friend when I was in school because she was always alone and I felt sorry for her, so I started chatting with her. I don't like seeing people sad, but this mothering side needs to take a back seat in this situation.

 

Thank you again for the feedback! It really helps to talk it out with some people outside of the situation :)

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You are enabling him. Your relationship sounds very co dependent.

 

He is a grown azz man. Don't you think it is time to stop excusing. His background has nothing to do with him doing chores around the house. He is simply lazy and does not care that you carry the load.

 

You are half of the problem. Stop allowing this!

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Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's good to have it pointed out plainly sometimes.

 

I totally recognise and accept that I had a big part in this with my babying ways, even if I didn't realise I was doing it at the time. It's only in the last year with the wedding and house planning that I started to see it.

 

Yeah our love life has been a little sparce for the last little while. It's good when it happens, just spaced out a bit more than I would like! I can imagine this situation definitely plays a part in that issue also.

 

He does work as a barman (one reason why there's more of a push to get him on the road because he can't always get a bus home so I have to collect him on the late nights. This is temporary over the Winter months as he was on day shifts before and will be going back to them in the new year). Good job with good people, no issues there thankfully (other than the late nights at the moment).

 

I get frustrated at times rather than being mad with him, because now I see why it has turned out this way. He is willing and definitely able to step up and be my husband and not my husband-child, so I can be a wife and not a wife-mom! I also need to look into having a councelling session because there must be a reason I took up this role without realising.

 

Just as I'm writing this, I realise this isn't the first time I've tried to take care of who could be the underdog in a situation. I made a friend when I was in school because she was always alone and I felt sorry for her, so I started chatting with her. I don't like seeing people sad, but this mothering side needs to take a back seat in this situation.

 

Thank you again for the feedback! It really helps to talk it out with some people outside of the situation :)

 

Stop picking him up. There is no reason for him to get his license if you continue to be his taxi service.

 

How are you going to have kids with a man like this? Yikes!

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Make sure you don't just keep morphing this from mom to teacher to drill sergeant, etc. Just stop. Especially stop talking and start doing. That means be out of the house, not more lists videos etc that will no doubt become yet another battleground or something for him to ignore or laugh at. The point is to restore equilibrium and that means giving up power especially acting like the mother.

 

This is not about him. It's about acting like a servant.

Also, thanks to Wiseman and Gary for continued advice! You helped me out in the past with some previous posts I had (over 2 years ago) :)
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So is he able to do his job without a list every day? If so he can do the jobs he needs to do around the house. I agree with driving if it means you have to pick him up from work or he depends on you to chauffer him around regularly (I don't drive but I am extremely independent about getting around and my husband does drive for some child-related reasons and sometimes offers me a lift here or there but I do not depend on him for when it involves my work or things I have to do for myself -if I shop for the family, once in awhile he'll pick me up so I don't have to use a shopping cart and walk almost a mile but otherwise it's all me).

I would make the list(and/or hire someone) go over it a few times and then that's it. It's funny -my issue is I got in the habit of wanting cleaning and preparing food stuff done my way and I prefer that to giving instructions. Also I was home full time with our son the first 7.5 years of marriage so I took on 90% of the household responsibilities -he worked more than full time so it was a fair division of labor. Here's an example. I rarely cook for him other than I'll make multiple servings of pasta or steamed veggies, or buy a chicken and he'll take his meal from that. But today he is sick and he said "I'm happy to do this myself -I don't want you to feel obligated -but I know you prefer to make eggs to my making them in the kitchen - so it's up to you.

 

Now, yes, he definitely would have made them himself. And he definitely likes how I prepare them. And yes he knows I am picky about the kitchen/frying pans, etc. So I made them and was happy to - happy he is feeling better and wanted to eat something nutritious. Anyway my point is it need not be equally divided -just has to feel fair to the couple. I do my husband's laundry, he does all the "handy man" stuff and techie stuff, he takes all our returned items to the post office, does most of the bills, etc.

 

Also communicate about what chores each of you prefers so you're not arbitrarily dividing them. Good luck!!

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Don't marry him otherwise you'll always be his mother instead of his wife! :upset:

 

He comes with too much baggage and incurable flaws and defects. You can't fix him. He will always dump all responsibilities on you. He has turned into a spoiled, entitled brat.

 

You need to dump him. Cancel the wedding and home purchase! Your marriage will be a recipe for disaster.

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Don't marry him otherwise you'll always be his mother instead of his wife! :upset:

 

He comes with too much baggage and incurable flaws and defects. You can't fix him. He will always dump all responsibilities on you. He has turned into a spoiled, entitled brat.

 

You need to dump him. Cancel the wedding and home purchase! Your marriage will be a recipe for disaster.

 

Too late! She married him 4 months ago!

 

OP,

This has nothing to do with his childhood. His parents divorced. That’s about it!

He was an adult when his mother asked him to move out . And he was an adult when his step father died.

Yes not a nice thing to happen but he WAS an adult. 25 years old when that happened.

 

It seems to me that a large part of his attraction to you is because you mother him.

You were not unaware of this , you chose to take care of him because you felt needed.

And he chose to accept it because hey life is easy that way! He is lazy that’s all.

 

It’s interesting that after 10 years , you only seek advice once married? As if you expected things to change once married?

 

What was your childhood like? Why did you put in all the effort to feel wanted / needed ?

And why on earth would you date a man that won’t drive?

 

Don’t have children until he learns to drive. Because that would be a recipe for disaster!

 

Don’t make a chore list! That is something a mother does.

Just stop washing his clothes. Have 2 seperate laundry baskets. One for him and one for you. If his clothes on the floor annoy you , put them in his laundry basket but don’t wash them. Put his towels in his laundry basket.

And don’t pick him up from work!! He can figure out his way home.

 

Tell him you are tired from working full time , doing all the housework and transport for him.

And you are no longer willing to be a housewife when you aren’t technically one.

 

If he doesn’t like it , too bad!

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Without getting into too fine a detail (it could make this post very long!), I seem to be taking on almost all of the responsibility with tasks (including planning about 90% of our wedding and doing 99% of the work for buying our home), and if I'm not doing it myself, I have to ask him very often to do his tasks
*And that ^^ is why 50% of marriages in North America end up in divorce. People keep marrying people they need to change rather than finding someone that they accept and are happy with things just the way they are.

 

This is the man you are about to marry (or have married?) and if you don't like that you are the "mommy" of this relationship then you are treating yourself very poorly. You are not a psychiatrist nor are you a psychologist so if you want him to at the very least have a chance at changing then you won't enable his immaturity, you'll start 'directing' him in what you need him to do because if you keep enabling then this is going to end up you being his mommy figure and not someone he is going to stay romantically interested in. After all, no one wants to have sex with their mother (or I suppose some do but that's for another thread). You may want to get your own therapy so you understand your part in why he doesn't change.

 

Encourage him to get himself into counseling and if he won't go then at least you know what your life will look like and you can decide if you can handle being the director, the chief cook and bottle washer in your union while he gets administered to. Right now, you are fed up even though it was you that allowed it to happen when you didn't tell him from the beginning "hey I'm not wanting to be your mommy so either step it up, or its pretty clear we are not a good match."

 

Can I ask who it was in your childhood that you had to caretake through life (caretake if the codependent opposite of the more healthy "caregive.")

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