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Thread: Advice on helping husband mature (emotional stunted due to childhood)

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's going to be a challenge, since you've been equal participants in the very dynamic you're now bothered by.

    The good news is that, while you have no real power to change him, you can change your own behavior. Start there, and part of that is working to drop this teary narrative that all this is directly linked to his childhood, since that's kind of a hall pass for it to continue. If he makes that link, I would respond with the firm suggestion that he explores that in therapy, since along with not wanting to be a wife-mom you don't want to be a wife-therapist.

    Then go back to doing your half—no more, no less—and let him lift his weight. He is fully capable. If he chooses not to—well, then you might have to do some very real math about whether this is a partnership that you believe can serve you for the next half century or so. But that's down the line. One step at a time.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you act like a mother, he will see you as one and your sex life will go down the tubes.

    Yes, it's mind boggling how some people need everything spelled out. In my first marriage, with my husband and two teen daughters, they couldn't figure out that they should be responsible for a meal when I was the last person to arrive home at 7:30 at night. I had to write everything on a dry erase board: Put the frozen lasagna in the oven at 6:00 at 400 degrees. And I did have a chore chart.

    If your husband balks at that, tell him it hasn't worked out without one, so until he can prove he can accomplish things without being told, that the list will stay.

    How about making him responsible for things that he will suffer the consequences from if they are not done? Tell him he's now responsible for doing his own laundry. That also means folding it and putting it away or hanging it up in the closet. Choose days where he is responsible for making dinner. If he doesn't, make yourself something simple like a grilled cheese sandwich but do not prepare anything for him, and don't say a word about it to him like snide remarks. Your actions will speak louder than words.

    You're going to have to be tough now to get any results. My husband had a childhood as equally traumatic as your husband's, but my husband never has to be nagged about anything. In fact, he goes above and beyond and does extra chores and tells me he wants me to have a good day off without worrying about the laundry.

    You're going to have to get a spine and tell him you're flat out tired, and he needs to step up. If he doesn't, how can you assume he cares, if he doesn't care that you're tired and dissatisfied?

    How does he perform at his job? Like another poster suggested, give him a deadline of when he needs to get his license, and if he doesn't, make him suffer the consequences. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. #13
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    Someone famous said something about about NOT being mother but a wife ..or sommat ....this is not helpful but it has distracted me to what I was going to say ....

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    When you act like a mother, he will see you as one and your sex life will go down the tubes.

    Yes, it's mind boggling how some people need everything spelled out. In my first marriage, with my husband and two teen daughters, they couldn't figure out that they should be responsible for a meal when I was the last person to arrive home at 7:30 at night. I had to write everything on a dry erase board: Put the frozen lasagna in the oven at 6:00 at 400 degrees. And I did have a chore chart.

    If your husband balks at that, tell him it hasn't worked out without one, so until he can prove he can accomplish things without being told, that the list will stay.
    - Ah, the infamous Honey-do list!

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  6. #15
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    Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's good to have it pointed out plainly sometimes.

    I totally recognise and accept that I had a big part in this with my babying ways, even if I didn't realise I was doing it at the time. It's only in the last year with the wedding and house planning that I started to see it.

    Yeah our love life has been a little sparce for the last little while. It's good when it happens, just spaced out a bit more than I would like! I can imagine this situation definitely plays a part in that issue also.

    He does work as a barman (one reason why there's more of a push to get him on the road because he can't always get a bus home so I have to collect him on the late nights. This is temporary over the Winter months as he was on day shifts before and will be going back to them in the new year). Good job with good people, no issues there thankfully (other than the late nights at the moment).

    I get frustrated at times rather than being mad with him, because now I see why it has turned out this way. He is willing and definitely able to step up and be my husband and not my husband-child, so I can be a wife and not a wife-mom! I also need to look into having a councelling session because there must be a reason I took up this role without realising.

    Just as I'm writing this, I realise this isn't the first time I've tried to take care of who could be the underdog in a situation. I made a friend when I was in school because she was always alone and I felt sorry for her, so I started chatting with her. I don't like seeing people sad, but this mothering side needs to take a back seat in this situation.

    Thank you again for the feedback! It really helps to talk it out with some people outside of the situation :)

  7. #16
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    Also, thanks to Wiseman and Gary for continued advice! You helped me out in the past with some previous posts I had (over 2 years ago) :)

  8. #17
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    You are enabling him. Your relationship sounds very co dependent.

    He is a grown azz man. Don't you think it is time to stop excusing. His background has nothing to do with him doing chores around the house. He is simply lazy and does not care that you carry the load.

    You are half of the problem. Stop allowing this!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by BettyAnne
    Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's good to have it pointed out plainly sometimes.

    I totally recognise and accept that I had a big part in this with my babying ways, even if I didn't realise I was doing it at the time. It's only in the last year with the wedding and house planning that I started to see it.

    Yeah our love life has been a little sparce for the last little while. It's good when it happens, just spaced out a bit more than I would like! I can imagine this situation definitely plays a part in that issue also.

    He does work as a barman (one reason why there's more of a push to get him on the road because he can't always get a bus home so I have to collect him on the late nights. This is temporary over the Winter months as he was on day shifts before and will be going back to them in the new year). Good job with good people, no issues there thankfully (other than the late nights at the moment).

    I get frustrated at times rather than being mad with him, because now I see why it has turned out this way. He is willing and definitely able to step up and be my husband and not my husband-child, so I can be a wife and not a wife-mom! I also need to look into having a councelling session because there must be a reason I took up this role without realising.

    Just as I'm writing this, I realise this isn't the first time I've tried to take care of who could be the underdog in a situation. I made a friend when I was in school because she was always alone and I felt sorry for her, so I started chatting with her. I don't like seeing people sad, but this mothering side needs to take a back seat in this situation.

    Thank you again for the feedback! It really helps to talk it out with some people outside of the situation :)
    Stop picking him up. There is no reason for him to get his license if you continue to be his taxi service.

    How are you going to have kids with a man like this? Yikes!

  10. #19
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    Abusive homes doesn't make a person not do chores. Sorry, lady, but you are just enabling his laziness.

    Do not wash his clothes. Do not make him food. Send him links on how to do chores, and have him watch them. Time for tough love.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you don't just keep morphing this from mom to teacher to drill sergeant, etc. Just stop. Especially stop talking and start doing. That means be out of the house, not more lists videos etc that will no doubt become yet another battleground or something for him to ignore or laugh at. The point is to restore equilibrium and that means giving up power especially acting like the mother.

    This is not about him. It's about acting like a servant.
    Originally Posted by BettyAnne
    Also, thanks to Wiseman and Gary for continued advice! You helped me out in the past with some previous posts I had (over 2 years ago) :)

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