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In divorce, she already has a new boyfriend


NjoyStick

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Hello,

 

I've been in a divorce for a couple of months and we have a 4 year old son.

 

The divorce is not going well, she has our house, the car and pretty much everything we had, i left with my clothes and a laptop.

 

She is also trying to get full custody of our son for some reason.

 

Anyway, we are both still going through the divorce and it's emotional, our son is trying to get us back together and that's tough to see.

 

A few days ago she emailed me to tell me that she has met someone and she's starting a new relationship with him, she even introduced him to our son...

 

I'm trying to get by, knowing that what we had will never come back, but it's hard to know that she moved on and is happy with her new guy.

 

What can i do to get my groove back and what should i do or say when she starts talking about the new guy when i pick up my son?

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we have a 4 year old son

 

our son is trying to get us back together

 

 

Drop the subject with him. He is too young for that crap.

 

You need to lawyer up, you need to establish your parental rights, and you need to cease payments on the house/car pronto.

 

You need to cut off all communication bar the essential on child contact; with this woman, it sounds like she is after all the assets and is using your son as a weapon.

 

A few days ago she emailed me to tell me that she has met someone and she's starting a new relationship with him, she even introduced him to our son

 

Cut her off. Give her nothing.Take your power back.

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After she got a lawyer, i got one to, so things will be settled.

 

And yes, my son is too young and it's heart breaking to see, but i'm not hoping on anything, it's over.

 

I put all my social media accounts on inactive because i need time for myself to heal.

 

Thanks for your response RayRay63

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No problemo.

 

You should also instruct your lawyer to write to her lawyer and tell that lawyer it is inappropriate for a 4 year old child to be introduced to a some random sexual partner of your ex a mere couple of months after divorce.

 

In the premises you are still paying for.

 

Further that that inappropriate behavior will be placed in evidence at the ultimate court proceedings regarding custody, and you will be seeking custody of your son, due to her promiscuous behavior.

 

Let her chew on that.

 

....

 

Now, when the anger has passed, come back here and we'll chat and work out a good way to go forward.

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Drop the subject with him. He is too young for that crap.

 

You need to lawyer up, you need to establish your parental rights, and you need to cease payments on the house/car pronto.

 

You need to cut off all communication bar the essential on child contact; with this woman, it sounds like she is after all the assets and is using your son as a weapon.

 

 

 

Cut her off. Give her nothing.Take your power back.

 

Yup you need a lawyer. The big thing I want to emphasize is YOU DONT INVOLVE CHILDREN IN ADULT SITUATIONS which is what is happening to that 4 yr old kid. Totally wrong. He should not know that new guy exists, never mind that he has met him. Your ex wife is making some really bad choices with the child. Now, call a lawyer.

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First thing, i already have a lawyer and we know she stands no chance against me.

 

Second, she shouldn't involve a new guy with our son, but she did and that will work against her.

 

My lawyer knows the things she did and does. There will be a meeting after the holidays with my lawyer.

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Sorry this is happening. Only communicate about your son, never use him as a pawn. If she starts talking about her personal life when you come to get your son, simply shut the conversation down and keep it strictly about parenting. As much as heartache and curiosity play a role, do not indulge that.

A few days ago she emailed me to tell me that she has met someone and she's starting a new relationship with him, she even introduced him to our son.. what should i do or say when she starts talking about the new guy when i pick up my son?

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In my state, it's mandatory in a divorce in a family with children that the parents attend a group session on the best ways to handle the divorce. It includes not badmouthing the other parent to the child, and why. And how a child shouldn't be introduced to a new partner until the relationship is serious and likely to be longterm. It even speaks of how to work on oneself, or a person is destined to choose the same inappropriate partner over and over in life.

 

It sounds like this isn't something that exists in your country. It doesn't mean you can't seek out those resources yourself. Find out if family counseling is available to address these sorts of things. Tell your ex you want the divorce to go as easily as possible for your son, so that he is not scarred, and ask her to attend a session with you to make a plan on doing what's best for your child.

 

Did your lawyer say it was okay for you to leave the family home? In America, it's a mistake for a man to do this. Sometimes the woman says she's been abandoned, and it can give her rights to the whole house when this happens.

 

Besides that, the only thing you can do is to concentrate on you and your son, making sure the transition to a new way of life is handled well, taking one day at a time, and completing daily tasks that will achieve your goals. I'm sorry this has happened. Take care.

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Drop the subject with him. He is too young for that crap.

 

You need to lawyer up, you need to establish your parental rights, and you need to cease payments on the house/car pronto.

 

You need to cut off all communication bar the essential on child contact; with this woman, it sounds like she is after all the assets and is using your son as a weapon.

 

 

 

Cut her off. Give her nothing.Take your power back.

 

100% agree with this.

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Please don't use the child as a battleground. You are not going to help your child by creating a tug-of-war and ripping him from his mother. Is her new bf a thorn in the side? Yes, but it is not a crime to date after separated. Be the best dad you can and is not not about ripping the child in two. stay out of court as much as possible and don't drag things out. Try to agree on a custody schedule that is best for the child's stability. Never spite an ex through a child.

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My two friends who went through divorce, tried to be civil about the kids and the giving the wife anything. They both got screwed. Do not just take it. And no, she can date all she wants, but they shouldn't just introduce anyone to your son, especially when you two have not finalized your divorce. My one friend had that judgement to not have partners around because the wife would have her muslim "husband" over hover in her kids' room and be at the end of their beds. You don't know this guy or the next guy or the next guy, or the next guy.

 

And my other friend who wanted a calm, calm, calm divorce lost custody of his kid when he's an amazing dad and the house, and everything. So, please, don't just bend over. Fight for your kid!

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I'm not using my child as a battelground, my ex has introduced a new guy to him, i'm not dating. My ex wants custody so she can do whatever she wants with our son without having to ask me for permission and she knows there are certain things i would not like for our son.

 

I will fight for my son!

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I'm not using my child as a battelground, my ex has introduced a new guy to him, i'm not dating. My ex wants custody so she can do whatever she wants with our son without having to ask me for permission and she knows there are certain things i would not like for our son.

 

I will fight for my son!

 

Legal and physical custody are ruled separately in some cases. Even if one parent has primary custody and the other has visitation, the other parent does not relinquish their legal custody nor should as long as they are a safe person. You still have a say in your child's medical decisions, location (she couldn't up and move out of state with the child randomly, etc)

 

You should have never left your home unless your lawyers agreed/ advised it in the course of divorce. If the guy leaves with just his clothes and laptop vs having the property equitably decided upon. If you leave with just your clothes, it could look like abandonment.

 

Also, do you have a place - an apartment or home with a bed and bedroom for your son? If not, it could work against you when she petitions for sole custody. If your son has nowhere to sleep and the divorce is already final, they likely will consider that.

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The thing is, she bought the home when we were just a few months in our relationship and when we got married, it was, as we say in the Netherlands, "huwelijkse voorwaarden" so that means if we divorce, like now, she keeps everything that's hers and has her name on it, so the house is hers, the car etc. I left the house because i needed a place of my own, and i have more bedrooms in my house than her, so i don' worry about that.

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I am not sure why everyone assumes the mother is a bad person.

She wants full custody of her child. That does not mean she is wanting the OP out of his child’s life. She simply wants stability.

I personally think it’s disgusuing when parents fight for 50:50. Because that is so much worse for the child than 90:10 or other.

Put yourselves in the kids shoes. Would any of you be happy living somewhere one week , packing up all your stuff and moving to another home for the next week and repeat for 14 years!?

 

I’m assuming you have been split for over a year since divorce is proceeding.

 

The fact that your ex wife is seeing someone a year later is ok. It’s not ok if she introduced him to your son a few weeks after dating but perhaps she has been seeing this man for 6 months or more?

I’m not sure who said she was promiscuous but it certainly doesn’t sound like she is.

 

She has had full custody of your son to date at your approval it seems? Even if not legal yet.

Why did you move out and only take your clothes and laptop but not your son? You have been so far happy for her to be the primary carer of him and suddenly want to fight for him after not being his carer for how long??

 

If you actually wanted split custody you would have arranged that and prioritised that over your laptop and clothes. Sorry!

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I won't go over much of the legal aspect. I think there are plenty of professionals for that and you already have a lawyer, OP. Speak about any misgivings you have and see whether there is any recourse according to your laws in the Netherlands. I don't want to go over the mother's morals either. The court will determine that and I'm sure the parents also have a say. We also have no idea how things ended in the relationship either or what those irreparable differences were between the both of you. It should be safe to say that this relationship is completely over and I hope you come to accept it quickly for your own sake. It really is over. Dutch law doesn't require any certain period of time apart (physically) between couples before filing for divorce. Maybe the OP can confirm that (that they might not have been separated for a year either).

 

Going back to the original question:

 

What can i do to get my groove back and what should i do or say when she starts talking about the new guy when i pick up my son?

 

You get your groove back by not fixating on what's going on in your ex's romantic life. This isn't your business anymore as harsh as it might sound. That chapter has closed and even though it's extremely painful at times, you'll have to learn to accept first and then let go second. Be there for your son. Distance yourself from your ex mentally and emotionally. Keep telling yourself it's over and she is not your spouse anymore. Things have changed. If you have questions and want to see your son more often, speak with your lawyer.

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I am not sure why everyone assumes the mother is a bad person.

She wants full custody of her child. That does not mean she is wanting the OP out of his child’s life. She simply wants stability.

I personally think it’s disgusuing when parents fight for 50:50. Because that is so much worse for the child than 90:10 or other.

Put yourselves in the kids shoes. Would any of you be happy living somewhere one week , packing up all your stuff and moving to another home for the next week and repeat for 14 years!?

 

I’m assuming you have been split for over a year since divorce is proceeding.

 

The fact that your ex wife is seeing someone a year later is ok. It’s not ok if she introduced him to your son a few weeks after dating but perhaps she has been seeing this man for 6 months or more?

I’m not sure who said she was promiscuous but it certainly doesn’t sound like she is.

 

She has had full custody of your son to date at your approval it seems? Even if not legal yet.

Why did you move out and only take your clothes and laptop but not your son? You have been so far happy for her to be the primary carer of him and suddenly want to fight for him after not being his carer for how long??

 

If you actually wanted split custody you would have arranged that and prioritised that over your laptop and clothes. Sorry!

 

 

Having joint custody of a child may mean a child is shuffled around, it may mean they are not. It means both parents have equal say in the child's life. It could mean the child is at each parents 50-50, or it could mean they primarily live in one place, and the other parent gets them on the weekends or another arrangement.

 

Having sole custody means one parent calls all the shots and the other parent sometimes does not get visitation, or they do get some, but may not have complete legal say in the child's life.... they would be basically be a visitor. Sole custody means mom doesn't have dad to pick up the child on the nights she can't or coparent the child.

 

I encourage him to maintain joint legal custody of this child even if they should decide that the actual hours each parent has the child changes.

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I think it is odd she is announcing a relationship and introducing him to your child....

 

It's not healthy to jump into a relationship so soon or confuse a child like that. Or brag about it to the soon to be ex husband.

 

I would like to think people would be caring of the parent of their child, if nothing else. So I'm sorry, she is being care less. It probably comes from her own pain and inability to be alone or cope or something. it's not much comfort, but definitely says more about her than you.

 

A friend of mine, his ex, got remarried on their anniversary. my friend was very hurt... but then we laughed. Saying that to her, her wedding anniversary was just that, hers. And every time she gets married it's gonna be on that day. :)

 

My point is, you gotta put this all in perspective. She is making bad choices and unfortunately it hurts, but you can and will get through this.

 

Rise above the BS. Pour your love into your child. Be the safe haven, the constant support. Keep your visits and routine consistent. Comfort the child, soothe their confusion, reassure everything is ok and never talk bad of her or the bf...

 

I did learn there is an app to help people co parent. It has software that checks the messages for trigger inducing comments and asks if that's what you really want to send.

 

At the end of the day, she may be a wack a doodle, but it's about the child. you're not always gong to be able to talk through attorneys and the best for the kid is peace and love from both parents. I hope you can find a way to communicate with her to put the child first... sooner rather than later.

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