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Thread: Worst Nightmare Retroactive Jealousy - Gay relationship

  1. #1

    Worst Nightmare Retroactive Jealousy - Gay relationship

    I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 9 months now. I am 23 and he is 25. Going into the relationship I was a virgin and he was not. He was single for a long time, basically 20-25, and in that time he went through hell. Battling drug addiction, getting kicked out of school, the loss of several loved ones, severe mental health issues. He comes from a broken home and two fathers who both abandoned him. I have diagnosed OCD and am being eaten alive by retroactive jealousy in what has amounted to my absolute worst fears in a relationship. I knew all of this going into it and was okay with it but I did not know the full extent of his sexual history. He lied to me about it and about a week ago I fully found out. Before I go into detail I feel that I should say that heís been an incredibly loving and kind boyfriend. Heís sweet and does so much for me. He has told me that Im the reason heís putting his life back together and since we met heís gotten a job he loves in the career path of his choice, he got a car, heís going back to school and heís made progress with his mental health. I feel honored to have been there for him and helped him so much in such a short amount of time and that he wouldíve done all of that for me. He has been totally loyal and good to me. Whatís eating me up inside though is that in our relationship he definitely seems to prefer topping, while he was almost exclusively a bottom before me. I found out after questioning, which only after going online I realize I shouldnít have done, that he likes rough and degrading sex and had many casual hookups. He initially told me heíd been with around 10 people. I now know it to be more like 30. This was happening right before we met and had not occurred throughout his adulthood. There were extended periods where he was basically celibate but it seems like when he got out of rehab he used this as another way to fill a void. Iím hurt, ashamed and disgusted by what I know. I donít understand it at all and canít seem to get a handle on my thoughts. I know he would send nudes and even had a sex video that he would send to hookups. This has turned into my absolute worst nightmare scenario. He told me the reason he didnít tell me is because he was ashamed and didnít want to believe that he really liked those things, or for me to see him in that way. So now Iím also hurt that he wouldnít tell me and that he didnít want that with me. I know he did it partly because he was lonely in a new city, he felt isolated and wanted attention and to be wanted. I know that he was in a very difficult time in his life. I canít stop imagining him being degraded by other people, hookups, and the way that it was rough sex. Itís unimaginable to me that he liked to be degraded by strangers during sex. It feels unbelievable that this has happened and I canít look at him the same way. I wish so terribly he hadnít lied and Iíd been able to make a choice early on if I wanted to be with him or not. I feel so repulsed and sickened knowing that that happened. My mind is constantly racing, I constantly ache, and I feel totally heartbroken. My OCD has made this a real world nightmare and itís like I can see and hear all of this going on. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and I canít imagine my life without him. I donít know how to meld his actions with my values however and I also donít know how to get over everything I now know. Iím literally sickened. I canít eat and can barely sleep. Itís plaguing me every minute of the day. Iíve lost over 10 pounds in a week because of this and I need help. I need advice on what to do and what to think. How to correct my thoughts and how to come to terms and be able to deal with this. Or if itís too much for anyone to deal with and I should save us both agony and end things. Iím sure itís even worse because I have no sexual history of my own but I think it would be difficult for anyone to bear. Please help, any advice and know how is much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Try compassion for his pain. His pain was not about you so donít make it about you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Are you seeing a therapist currently? What are you doing to self-soothe and develop healthier ways to process and balance out all those negative feelings? Do you have friends? Work/career? This relationship seems to have consumed you and that's never a good sign.

    I think you need help that only someone trained can give to you. In the meantime start focusing more on yourself and fixating less on your partner. The only way to do that is to really, forcibly think more about your direction in life and what you want out of life. Simply existing or being in a relationship is not enough. Give yourselves time to get to know one another and accept one another. Nine months is not long. This is just a blink of an eye in the big picture.

  4. #4
    I should clarify that I donít think our relationship is all consuming. I feel that itís actually pretty balanced and healthy. Thatís part of why all of this has been so difficult. I regularly see my group of friends, my family and coworkers. Itís just in this moment that itís become all consuming after finding out all of this information.

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    Well unfortunately I think if you love this guy and you want to be with him, you will have to come to terms with his past. You can't change the past so there is really nothing else you can actually do but to work on your own feelings about it. It sounds like your boyfriend is really trying to turn his life around and that is admirable. Also this is just my opinion and not everyone would agree due to personal values. But I think if someone is single, it's not exactly wrong to have sex with people for hookups or whatever. I mean this is how our dating culture is now and especially with younger people. Again I'm not saying everyone does that but it's pretty acceptable in our society now.

    Whatever sexual preferences he has are his own choice, people like different things. Some people like BDSM, golden showers, whatever. The purpose of being in a relationship is to find someone you like that shares similar values and is compatible with you. That does also mean sexually compatible. I'm not into BDSM really so I probably wouldn't date someone who was. That's not because it's wrong to like it (it's not), but it's just because I personally don't really like it. So if you're bothered by what your boyfriend likes sexually then that might be a problem.

    Overall however I don't think he has really done anything wrong because he did those things when he was single. So he was free to do whatever he wanted. Also I know it bothers you because you don't have any prior sexual experience, but it's not a competition. Your boyfriend chose to hook up with a lot of people, but you chose to wait for the right person. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of your or just choice. It's just personal decision.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He has far too many red flags to ignore.

    You need to save your sanity by NOT dealing with him, period and yes, end it to save your agony.

    He's a liar. Once a liar, always a liar. NEVER trust liars.

    I don't care how "loving" and "sweet" a person is. If other sides to their character are out of whack, I'm done and gone. I NEVER deal. If anything, it's a real deal breaker.

    He's too unstable, weird, has too many mental problems not to mention fools around with abandon. You're at risk for STD, AIDs, etc.

    You need to exit this dysfunctional relationship in order to save your life. Seriously, he actually sounds dangerous for you. Be wise, leave and never look back. Tell him it's time to go your separate ways, ghost, block, delete; including social media.

    You need to save your soul, Northwestyes. Make a change and permanently eliminate toxic people from your life.

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    He has far too many red flags to ignore.

    You need to save your sanity by NOT dealing with him, period and yes, end it to save your agony.

    He's a liar. Once a liar, always a liar. NEVER trust liars.

    I don't care how "loving" and "sweet" a person is. If other sides to their character are out of whack, I'm done and gone. I NEVER deal. If anything, it's a real deal breaker.

    He's too unstable, weird, has too many mental problems not to mention fools around with abandon. You're at risk for STD, AIDs, etc.

    You need to exit this dysfunctional relationship in order to save your life. Seriously, he actually sounds dangerous for you. Be wise, leave and never look back. Tell him it's time to go your separate ways, ghost, block, delete; including social media.

    You need to save your soul, Northwestyes. Make a change and permanently eliminate toxic people from your life.
    I've noticed from all your posts Cherylynn that you seem to have quite old-fashioned opinions...Just an observation. OK sure, maybe lying is not good but to be honest it's not exactly necessary to extensively talk about your sexual past. The need to talk about it would be if the person had STD's, had sexual dysfunctions, was sexually abused, or other cases where this is relevant to the relationship. He can't change the fact that he's been with thirty people, it is what it is.

    I agree he probably should have told the truth. But the reason he lied may have been because OP was a virgin and he didn't want to make him feel bad by revealing that he's so sexually experienced. In what way is he dangerous? He was never violent or a criminal, as far as I understand? Yes he did do drugs but he gave them up? People can go through hardships and overcome them. I went through trauma ten years ago and due to that developed an addiction to alcohol. I had the addiction for 1.5 years but I got a lot of help and I got over it. I'm not an alcoholic anymore now. Everyone has a past and they can't change it. If OP wants to continue dating then he needs to accept his bf.

    Also yes maybe being with 30 people at 25 is a lot, but it's also not that common to be a virgin at 23. So both are at an extreme. No offence.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "He told me the reason he didnít tell me is because he was ashamed and didnít want to believe that he really liked those things, or for me to see him in that way. So now Iím also hurt that he wouldnít tell me and that he didnít want that with me"

    Does this mean you wish he wanted degrading sex with you?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Northwestyes
    I have diagnosed OCD ...

    ...am being eaten alive by retroactive jealousy...

    ...eating me up inside...

    ...hurt, ashamed and disgusted by what I know...

    ...canít seem to get a handle on my thoughts...

    ...This has turned into my absolute worst nightmare scenario...

    ...I canít stop imagining...

    ...Itís unimaginable to me...

    ...It feels unbelievable...

    ...My mind is constantly racing, I constantly ache...

    ...My OCD has made this a real world nightmare...

    ...I canít eat and can barely sleep...

    ...Itís plaguing me every minute of the day...

    ...Iíve lost over 10 pounds in a week...

    ...I need help...

    ...I need advice on what to do and what to think...

    ...How to correct my thoughts and how to come to terms and be able to deal with this...
    I quoted some of your thoughts above because I feel you do need help with your OCD. If you're seeing someone already to help treat this or work through this, please follow the advice and medication already given by your doctor. If you already are, see your doctor again and go over these types of thoughts and explain how your current treatment isn't working. Your thoughts are consuming you and it's difficult for you to function based on this information. I didn't mean "consume" as in you are a helpless individual who can't take care of himself. What I'm meaning by that is that your thoughts are taking over and it's difficult for you to make sense of all of it because it's overwhelming. The average person might be intimidated or curious by your boyfriend's sexual history but I don't think most people would react this way. I'm sorry you're going through this because it sounds terrifying and very painful. Take a deep breath, see your doctor and see what he says. You are always free to vent here. Maybe your doctor can also refer you to some psychotherapy - I hear CBT works wonders for some - and counselling. You might also benefit from joining a support group.

    If your boyfriend cares for you, he'll understand if you need a time out or a few days to yourself to get yourself sorted and see a healthcare practitioner. You've asked for advice, any kind of help to work this through. This is just a suggestion from me. I hope you are able to work this through. One step at a time.

  11. #10
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    You can't change the past, therefore you should focus on your future and not dwell on his history. It was his prerogative to do what he wanted to while being single, to learn his likes and dislikes, to make him who he is today, to live life how he chose to ...on his way to meeting you! Withholding his past from you was probably due to a bit of embarrassment, and a bit of not wanting to reveal it to you for his own privacy! Must everyone know everything about a person? Asking questions about someone's sexual history and former partners is always hard to hear in any relationship because human nature is to become jealous! I think as long as you get tested for STDs before being sexual with someone new, then being "general" about your past is best rather than spilling all the details! I'm not saying to lie to one another, but just keep it more general! I don't know!
    I would hope that you can get past how much this is bothering you and try to move forward knowing that your boyfriend loves you and that you are good together......

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