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50 Yo/ Male with 31 Yo/ female


Shylight

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Age gaps of 20 years have a 95 percent failure rate. I'm having to help my elderly parents out at certain times which can be tiring. I thank God my husband isn't 20 years older than me because I wouldn't want to be consecutively having to do the same things for a spouse as I do for my parents, which would have me totally drained.

 

He'd be retired and perhaps lonely when you've still got 20 years of working life left. Different stages in life produce a myriad of hurdles.

 

These are only a few things I will mention. I'm sure others will ring in on other things.

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It depends. Is he divorced, have kids, etc? Do you want marriage/kids? It all depends on getting to know him slowly beyond 8 weeks. Are you trying to fast-track or worried about whatever issues you may have already noticed?

 

What bad habits does he have? Do you have any similar interests? You need to date a while like anyone else to see if you're compatible.

I am 31 and have been dating a man 19 years older than me the past 2 months. What conflicts are we likely to have?
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Why has he never been married?

What is his dating history like, has he been in any monogamous, long term relationships?

Have you been to his home?

Met his friends?

Know for a fact he is not married?

What is it about him (besides the sex) that makes you think you want to go forward in dating him?

 

Questions you should find out if you plan on going forth with this man that has never been married... also ask yourself why YOU think that he will want to marry you if no one else has been able to nail him down to that commitment. You say you want marriage.

 

In the meantime, to answer your actual question. Very simply: You are on your way up the hill of life and at his age, he is already over the hill.

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1.) He does not want to be married - never has. I do not know why. His past girlfriends have pressured him into living together and marriage and he doesnt want either.

2.) He has had nothing but long term relationships (5 years, ect.))

3.) yes I sleep over at this house 2-3 times a week

4.)We have not met any of our friends/family yet

5.)I know for a fact hes never been married

6.) He actually has trouble performing, but because my sex drive is nil, I am not bothered by it. Hes, funny, fun to be with, amazing looking, good natured, treats me like a jewel

 

I already know he does not want to be married and I am fine with it.

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Big picture: there are the obvious issues of what happens down the line—namely the unavoidable fact that he will become very old as you get older, so while you hit something of a prime in life he will be in a decline. Not fun to think about, and not a reality anytime soon, but the laws of lifespans are pretty firm. You have roughly twice as long to live as he does, which means you have to be okay with equating this "working out" to you being widowed early.

 

Littler picture: you are of drastically different generations and life stations, and that will invariably come up. Think of it a bit like dating someone from a different country and culture. There will just be places where you speak completely different languages, and those places will reveal themselves over time. Not the biggest deal, but a gap that can't be bridged, only accepted. Think of it as a more magnified version of the "individuality gap" that early dating is all about exploring—basically whether you two genuinely get along as much as you two genuinely make some sizzle.

 

All that said, of course it can work out. Happens plenty. A friend of mine from college met her husband when she was around 21 and he was 44. Seemed insane at the time. Today she is 41, he's 64, they've got two beautiful children, are going strong. I would say they've "worked out." Two people who met each other at the right times in their individual journeys to go on a very real journey together.

 

TwT asked some great questions, so I won't repeat them. I am curious to see how they're answered.

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1.) He does not want to be married - never has. I do not know why. His past girlfriends have pressured him into living together and marriage and he doesnt want either.
So why, you being someone that would like to be married, date a man like that who goes against your very end dating goal?

 

2.) He has had nothing but long term relationships (5 years, ect.))
Has he been monogamous within those long term relationships? I assume you would want exclusive, monogamous coupling.

 

3.) yes I sleep over at this house 2-3 times a week
Do you actually go out together or is this just a sexual thing?

 

4.)We have not met any of our friends/family yet
Well, its still early.

 

5.)I know for a fact hes never been married
That is not a positive if you are looking for a man that has the same dating goal as you.

 

6.) He actually has trouble performing, but because my sex drive is nil, I am not bothered by it. Hes, funny, fun to be with, amazing looking, good natured, treats me like a jewel
But,he won't marry you. Is he rich? The following is from your last thread so you are still sexually active
So I have been seeing a guy ("Jason (36) "m 31") for about two months now - we have been intimate, and are not under a relationship title, but do regularly see each other, spend the right ect.)
Don't fool yourself into settling... doing that gets old fast.

 

I already know he does not want to be married and I am fine with it.
Yet you have told us that you would like to be married.

 

By all accounts, and by the history of his dating M.O.: you will be the next woman that tires of him not marrying her or living with her and you will go away within the next five years right where you left off. Only you'll be that much older and sadly, the dating pool will have diminished for you. You say he has trouble performing which means you tried to be sexual with him which also means that your sex drive is not quite "nil." As the honeymoon period wears thin, you will have a good friend that makes you laugh as you live away from him and see him when he deems it. You ok with that scene if that's how it plays out?

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It can work but depends less on age (since you are both adults and you're not a brand new adult) and more on his health and lifestyle. My husband and I are in our early 50s. I am in some ways in far far better physical shape than when I was your age. Partly that is because of lifestyle choices I made. However, I had an age and pregnancy related health scare/condition about 10 years ago so for example if my husband had wanted more children it would have been really challenging -in that way my age came into play My husband has gained weight over the years but I think he has yo yoed in the past -nothing terrible and not sure if it's age related. I think we both have increased issues in the areas of vision (both) back aches (him) stomach issues (me). I like that we're the same age but I don't think it relates that much to our health because I take better care of myself than he does. That is why I would have to know more about your guy.

 

Since you don't want a child then his age doesn't matter.

 

My husband and I didn't officially live with anyone till we married at 42. We both had long term relationships. I would want to know why he didn't want to live together. For me it was about basically values - I wanted the serious commitment and didn't think sharing living space would be relevant to that or enhance that. I'm not a fan of viewing living together as a "next step" unless it has to do with intensifying the emotional commitment or planning to make more of an official commitment, start a family, etc. I would want to know his reasons if I were you.

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So why, you being someone that would like to be married, date a man like that who goes against your very end dating goal?

 

This is what I don't quite understand, and what strikes me as a bigger issue than a 19 year age gap.

 

Do you have any sort of history, romantically, in investing more in how a person might change over time than in how they present themselves to you from the start?

 

The plus to dating older people is that there is less of an illusion about who they might become. Here's a guy that doesn't want to get married, or live with a woman. That doesn't negate a serious relationship, but I wouldn't go into things expecting him to have an epiphany about wanting marriage and cohabitation.

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These two would be deal-breakers or red flags for many, but if you're ok with casual and ED time will tell. Everyone states "he treats me like a princess" in the beginning. That is another thing only time will tell. If you are hoping you'll be the one to change his mind and land him you may end up wasting many years. Consider also that he does not really want to share his home, finances or sex with anyone.

1.) His past girlfriends have pressured him into living together and marriage and he doesnt want either.

6.) He actually has trouble performing, but because my sex drive is nil, I am not bothered by it.

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Well, if you are going to "settle," and that is never a great idea, why don't you up your provisions in other areas? Someone who does want to live with you or someone who does want to share finances or someone closer to your age. You seem to be settling for a lot here and resigning yourself to eventually taking care of someone who isn't willing to give an awful lot. The older you get, the wider the age gap is. People can pooh pooh it, but I have seen even five or ten year age gaps as one begins to age more rapidly. It is a lot to take on. I have no problem caring for my husband if he gets sick or needs help (we are the same age) but I have been married to him for 30 years, have a child with him and he took care of me when I was sick. I don't think I would be willing to do that for someone I dated for 10 years who didn't really want to share his life with me.

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He's been kicking around for 50 years. He can take care of himself. Just be honest with him and that's all there is to it. Two months is in the heat of everything also. It usually appears like red hearts and forever love with cotton candy on both sides. Give it another year, have some fun. See where it goes. What's the rush? In a matter of months, I'm certain all this will change and you'll both move on from each other if it's not meant to be. You seem to be really worried and feeling overly guilty. Have some confidence and faith in his abilities too. You will be A-ok.

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I would like to get married and be with someone, but I guess I'm open to settling.

Said the 50% of divorced people in North America.

 

Thats a good point. I guess its because I know Im making a mistake. Plus I can tell the guy is REALLY into me, and I dont want to hurt him

Uhm... You won't hurt him. He'll just jump back online and find another desperate dater who is willing to overlook her own needs and desires to settle until she can't stand what she settled for any longer.

 

Its his dating M.O. afterall.

 

At this point the age difference is the least of your worries... You need to look at the bigger picture if you want to protect YOUR heart. He's a seasoned single man who will just skip to the next profile if you don't play his game so I'd not worry about hurting him and be more cognizant about hurting yourself by continuing on with him.

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Said the 50% of divorced people in North America.

 

 

Uhm... You won't hurt him. He'll just jump back online and find another desperate dater who is willing to overlook her own needs and desires to settle until she can't stand what she settled for any longer.

 

Its his dating M.O. afterall.

 

At this point the age difference is the least of your worries... You need to look at the bigger picture if you want to protect YOUR heart. He's a seasoned single man who will just skip to the next profile if you don't play his game so I'd not worry about hurting him and be more cognizant about hurting yourself by continuing on with him.

 

Yeah it's two months, not two years. He'll live.

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