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A whole new life.


Jezz143

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Where do I start...

 

I was in a relationship with a man for 9 years. We had a child together who is now 4. We lived together, we got engaged but never married. Our relationship seemed to be come to the point of comfort and that only. He worked on second shift, and I worked during the day. I took care of our son, and his son everyday, and waited for him to come home from work. Some nights I would fall asleep and that would hurt his feelings. It was hard to spend time with one another. He was a very controlling man. Nothing I ever did seemed to be right. Whether it was the way I raised our son, to money, to the way I treated him. He was always critical in my actions. His anger was terrible, and he became an alcoholic which just made the anger worse. He would want to have sex, and I wouldn't, so that became a huge fight. Slamming doors and yelling, telling me to f*ck off. Hateful words seemed to flow so freely from his mouth. If you love someone, those sorts of words should not just come out so easily. He was the type of person, who would expect to be taken care of. Which I did without hesitation... because you take care of someone you love. When I needed to be taken care of, I was on my own. He never helped me with our 4 year old... instead he would just tell me that I'm not disciplining enough or that I was too harsh. Over time, of always being challenged and made to feel inadequate. Of course one wouldn't want to have sex. I couldn't make him understand that though. To him, I just didn't want to have sex.

I noticed that he was talking to a female coworker outside of work...a lot. He was always open about her, so I never suspected anything. I never looked through his phone because I did trust him. He was texting her and I happen to glance and see a heart emoji. I made the comment that him talking to her so much outside of work made me uncomfortable. I never accused him, just told him it made me uncomfortable. He got upset and very defensive. Asking if he was allowed to have friends with vaginas. The argument slowly dissolved. The next day, we were sitting on the couch and he was texting her. I glanced over and back at the tv and he stood up and started screaming at me. In front of our 4 year old. He was screaming obscenities and pointing in my face. I made the decision to pack up my son and stay with a relative. It has been a whirlwind ever since. A week later, he told me to pack as much stuff as I could for me and our 4 year old and find a place to stay. She was there that night. Sleeping in my bed.

I found an apartment for me and my son, and a new car since the one I was driving was in his name.

A friend with a vagina.

She moved into the house that we shared. The house that we built. Our family. Our memories. She slept in my bed, put her makeup in my bathroom, and her clothes in my hamper. She replaced me before I even had a chance to get my things out.

He replaced me with the woman that I was just simply uncomfortable with.

He has seen his son a total of 3 times since all of this started on November 5th. He's talked to him on the phone twice.

What kind of woman steps into a family like this? Is she so desperate for attention from a man? Does she need that validation?

How can he move on so quickly? I dedicated my life to him, raised his son. Had another son for him. And he can just replace me like I was absolutely nothing. I gave 9 years of my life to him, supported him, worried for him, took care of him... yet I'm replaced. I know I shouldn't let this affect my mental status but it does. I feel worthless like I am nothing.

My saving grace is my 4 year old. He keeps me going and he places a smile on my face. I let him sleep in the bed with me, cause its comfort for both of us. I love this little boy and need him more than he will ever know.

How do I let this go? Its been a month a half. I know it will be a long time to get over this. But every single day, living with this constant obsession of what he did. How he treated me, and his friend with a vagina. I feel like I will never bounce back. He wont take any sort of responsibility for his actions. Maybe I wasn't a perfect partner, but his narcissism didn't help.

Why do I yearn for a narcissist? Shouldn't I be relieved? I'm not. I feel betrayed.

Stay strong...

 

 

I'm destroyed.

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I'm sorry this happened to you and your child. I know it will take time, and some effort to get to where you will feel better.

I know someday you will realize that this was a blessing in disguise. If he hadn't done this and you hadn't been able to get free of that toxic marriage you might never have had a chance to discover your worth, your son would have grown up thinking this is normal and how marriage is.

Now you have a chance to show him how to stand on his own without having to use someone else. How to be truly loving and that the world is full of opportunity and that he can count on you.

It's not easy to get over the mourning for what you wanted, but if you keep moving forward and don't look back, you will get there.

Also, when his present relationship hits the fan, don't let him talk you into reconciliation.

He literally created this devastating mess for you and your son.

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You were betrayed, so that's why you feel like you are. This guy is a louse and you are lucky to be away from him. A real POS. If you dont have a custody agreement and financial support for your son, you need to get on that now. Call a lawyer and get that sorted. I bet he's been with this woman for a fair while and you just didnt know at first.

 

If you need help, go see a therapist so you can get past this and live your best life.

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Sorry this happened. You are very lucky to get yourself and your child away from him and live a better life. Whoever he is with will soon be abused just as much. Don't be destroyed, be grateful you got away from an alcoholic abusive jerk.

 

Get to court and get child support and insist on only supervised visitation. An abusive alcoholic doesn't belong around your child.

I found an apartment for me and my son, and a new car since the one I was driving was in his name.

 

He replaced me with the woman that I was just simply uncomfortable with.

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I'm sorry that this happened, but you should have been out of there long ago. The man has been emotionally abusive for years, this is terrible for you, but more so for the child.

 

You will see this as a blessing in time! Next time, do not stick around and allow someone to treat you with such disrespect.

 

Get an attorney and seek support.

 

Did you put money into that home? I hope to God you have your name on the deed if you did. I hope that your bank accounts are not joint?

 

I strongly suggest therapy for your abusive relationship and low self worth.

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I am so sorry you are going through such heartache, Jezz. My heart goes out to you. Your story is so similar to mine. I, too, am still trying to process how I could have been replaced so quickly after being married for 29 years. As some posters said, you will, in time, see this as a blessing in disguise. Nine years is a long time and you need to allow yourself to go through the grieving process. I'm afraid to tell you that there are no shortcuts. Only time will help in healing your broken heart. Time is the key.

 

I can only advise you to focus on your child and yourself. Try your best to keep busy. I found it extremely helpful to not focus on the good times. That serves no purpose. I know, it's easier said than done, but you will get there. As Wiseman said "be grateful you got away from an alcoholic abusive jerk." Your child and you deserve better.

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I am very sorry for the way he treated you. It was indeed a betrayal. Yet you yearn for a narcissist because unfortunately it sounds like deep down you feel that you are "less than/ not enough". It sounds like the relationships you witnessed while growing up somehow instilled in you a very warped idea of what a healthy romantic relationship should look like and what should be a deal breaker.

 

The fact that you stayed on all these years through all that mental abuse you described indicates that you have some very deeply seated self-esteem issues that you probably had entering the relationship to begin with. If you have access to therapy please seek professional counseling. Your son should be raised to learn better or unhealthy relationship patterns will keep passing on from generation to generation.

 

That new woman that you envy has probably equally bad self-esteem issues and has been fooled by him the same way he fooled you when you first got together. His ex before you probably went through the same crap you are going through now and this woman in time will receive the same crap treatment you did. There is nothing to envy or miss about this. The "replacement" you fret about is not about your value or her value, it's about him not being able to stand on his own two feet. He just needs a warm body to emotionally feed on. Anybody who has the lack of self-esteem to fall for his act. Period. Being freed from that place is a blessing and a huge opportunity to break free from your addiction to his mistreatment. That woman is your saviour.

 

Whether it's through co-dependence self-help books/professional therapy/ support groups/ other/ all the above, you need to get to the bottom of what within you yearns for someone like him and you need to focus on overcoming that addiction. Good luck.

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Thank you everyone for the words. Its a great sense of support. Its really hard to not feel like I need to take care of him. He called me today to check up on our son, and to ask about the car insurance. He sounds awful. Crying. Never apologizing of course. He told me he was a getting a place alone...which I know is a lie. I know its none of my business anymore...(which is partially true because I have a right to know whos around my son if and when that ever happens)

He says she takes care of him....

I don't know how much truth there is to that.... he's calling me.

 

He told me he needed to talk to someone and called me.

 

Is it bad that I want him to hurt? Maybe because he hurt me for so long...

 

Such a nasty string of emotions... and I can only hope and pray that they will let up. I cant breathe.

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*Update:

 

Along with him crying this morning to me... he asked if I would go get the dog... which is our dog. I went on my lunch break to get our dog and take him somewhere. While I was in there, I saw a dry erase board stating "Welcome Home" with stars and hearts. For her I guess.... There are no words....

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