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Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me


jsinclair89

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Hi everyone,

 

first post here.. in a tricky situation with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (we haven't actually OFFICIALLY broken up)...

 

she thinks I cheated on her because I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos I didn't ask for... I never once led this person on but should have said I had a girlfriend...

 

Anyway, my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did. We message occasionally but she's always so hard to pin down, saying 'sorry im so busy, i can't see you'. We still love each other and this has been said, but she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me... in my mind this is confusing because I have never actually been intimate with anyone else, but still understand her perspective. she ignores my messages or takes hours to respond and it is always me asking to meet up, and she comes up with excuses. it's driving me mad and is making me depressed. if anyone has any advice this would be amazing.

 

the last message was a friendly one, which she read and hasn't replied in a day.

 

thanks for all your help

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Sorry to hear this. Technically maybe not cheating as in sex, but your gf can break up with you for any reason she wishes including indiscretions, bad judgement, etc. Just leave her be. Why not date video girl?

I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos

my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did. she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me.

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Well if this was relationship judge and jury here , she would be putting her case forward as * intent to cheat * ......now I am not saying you would have , but she will never know that and as far as she knows this was the start , adding to her case ..you didn't tell the new girl you had a girlfriend .....so deep inside you buddy , if not honest to us then be honest with yourself ....did you just want attention , was you thinking about cheating ?

 

You seem to be almost acting as though she hasn't ended it , saying how hard she is to pin down ...you shouldn't really be able to pin her down nor complain about how long it

 

takes her to message back if she actually does message back.

 

You need to back off and stop acting like this is ok because you didn't have sex ...it is called emotional cheating .

Best thing for you now ..........................

 

Accept she has ended it ...stop all contact , chasing her , trying to justify yourself ( because you are probably pushing her further then you can ever recover from ) and let her have time and space ...........let her miss you and mull it all over . I am not saying she will change her mind , but this is your best chance buddy ....back off and just get on with each day , as hard as it is .

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While you might still technically be toghether i'm sorry to say she has left. Not sure why she hasn't verbalised the ending of it, maybe she wants you to do it so she doesn't look bad.

 

I'd do what Pippy said. End all contact. Carry on with your life as if she's gone and theres a small chance she might come back but i doubt it. Linger, plead and bed and you are toast.

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Well if this was relationship judge and jury here , she would be putting her case forward as * intent to cheat * ......now I am not saying you would have , but she will never know that and as far as she knows this was the start , adding to her case ..you didn't tell the new girl you had a girlfriend .....so deep inside you buddy , if not honest to us then be honest with yourself ....did you just want attention , was you thinking about cheating ?

 

You seem to be almost acting as though she hasn't ended it , saying how hard she is to pin down ...you shouldn't really be able to pin her down nor complain about how long it

 

takes her to message back if she actually does message back.

 

You need to back off and stop acting like this is ok because you didn't have sex ...it is called emotional cheating .

Best thing for you now ..........................

 

Accept she has ended it ...stop all contact , chasing her , trying to justify yourself ( because you are probably pushing her further then you can ever recover from ) and let her have time and space ...........let her miss you and mull it all over . I am not saying she will change her mind , but this is your best chance buddy ....back off and just get on with each day , as hard as it is .

 

Thanks a lot all of you who have taken the time to respond, it is appreciated. I consider all of the comments so far and take them on board... she has told me she still loves me and i have told her i still love her. i understand the comments regarding 'emotional cheating' and don't take them lightly and completely understand how it's made her feel, and how it came across. i never had any intention to act on the attention this other person gave me.

 

re no contact... that to me feels like gameplaying. if i think about someone, i want to tell them that. if i want to say something, i will say it... i dont like to deliberate and not message someone purely because they dont have the time for me. im 30 and i feel these games are for people new to relationships... i may be totally wrong, but that's just how i feel about it.

 

im not one to force myself on someone nor smother them, but i ewually dont want to come across as aloof and like i dont care... that is my concern about this whole no contact stuff...however, if i am constantly putting myslf out there and trying to orchestrate a meet up... there needs to be some sort of effort/willingness from her to fix a date in the diary... i've been through break ups before (as everyone has...) but this has really cut me deep as i had imagined spendng the rest of my life with this woman - a feeling i haven't had before...

 

any further comments are welcomed and appreciated more than you all know!

Thanks,

 

JS

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While you might still technically be toghether i'm sorry to say she has left. Not sure why she hasn't verbalised the ending of it, maybe she wants you to do it so she doesn't look bad.

 

I'd do what Pippy said. End all contact. Carry on with your life as if she's gone and theres a small chance she might come back but i doubt it. Linger, plead and bed and you are toast.

 

thanks for this - i am still slightly confused as to why this hasn't been formally ended... when i asked what is going on... she replied 'well i can't be with you because i don't know if you'll do it again, and i can never be sure'... i said that with time she can trust me again.

 

it is an interesting point about her not ending it so that she doesn't look bad... but surely, as the injured party you'd just say it and have done with it? perhaps she doesn't want to end it with me because she still loves me.

 

when i do 'pin her down' and we meet up, we have the best time. there is still a lot of chemistry and we have a great laugh. it's like there are 2 versions of her... the one over message who doesn't want to see me and never follows through on plans, and the 2nd version... where in person it's amazing and as if nothing has changed...

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Sorry to hear this. Technically maybe not cheating as in sex, but your gf can break up with you for any reason she wishes including indiscretions, bad judgement, etc. Just leave her be. Why not date video girl?

 

thanks for your comment. i don't want to date video girl as i never was nor will i ever be attracted to her!!!

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re no contact... that to me feels like gameplaying

 

Honest buddy , I am the last person to ever tell anyone to play games ... No contact gives the dumper space ...... as a dumpee your mind convinces you that you need to tell the dumper you are still in love , sorry , want to change , will grow a beard , will eat cold rice pudding , will do anything to please , to say sorry and to make it right ....and the reality is ...the dumper already knows this ...

 

She knows you want to contact her , she knows you are sorry , she knows nothing happened in the sex/meeting up department ..she is equipped with all the info .....now let her think about what SHE wants ......no games just space . Trust me .

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Honest buddy , I am the last person to ever tell anyone to play games ... No contact gives the dumper space ...... as a dumpee your mind convinces you that you need to tell the dumper you are still in love , sorry , want to change , will grow a beard , will eat cold rice pudding , will do anything to please , to say sorry and to make it right ....and the reality is ...the dumper already knows this ...

 

She knows you want to contact her , she knows you are sorry , she knows nothing happened in the sex/meeting up department ..she is equipped with all the info .....now let her think about what SHE wants ......no games just space . Trust me .

 

Yeah you’re right... I have made this very clear to her but I guess I just want to say it “one more time” and carry on saying it hoping it will go down well for a change... but in reality I doubt it would. So I won’t contact her... what do I do if she does message me though? Surely she will want to message me as it will be clear that I’m pulling away... and this would come as a surprise to her???

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When I read the initial post, I thought you were in your early twenties, giving your number to a potential new female friend while in an exclusive relationship. IMO, that's normally the behavior of teens and people in their early twenties.

 

It's time to grow up and realize that how you operated in your youth must evolve into more adult-like behavior when exclusive. If you have lifelong female friends that your new gf is introduced to and everyone gets along, great, that's fine. There's a big difference in seeking out new female friends when in a relationship that most women, including your ex, has an issue with. There's a very small pool of women who are okay with this, so good luck finding one.

 

Before becoming exclusive with a woman, discuss relationship boundaries you both agree on, because if you don't match in your ideas, it will never work.

 

What can you do now? Ask to meet and tell her you now see you two should have discussed relationship boundaries and you'd like to do that and move forward with her. Another rule should be that when you've resolved an issue, no further arguments should take place about it, returning forever to a past crime that a person has to keep atoning for. If none of that can happen, learn from your mistakes, cut all contact, and vow to date smarter in the future. As you can see, an ego boost from a female fan ruined the beautiful life you could have created with your gf.

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How did she come across this info? Why did you decide to sabotage the relationship? No contact is not a game. It means leaving her alone to process.

 

Listen, she probably told all her friends and family about this and they most likely advised her to dump you. Give her space. She does not have to continue to date you or make "time in her diary" for you.

she thinks I cheated on her because I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos

she ignores my messages or takes hours to respond and it is always me asking to meet up, and she comes up with excuses.

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Why did you exchange numbers with another woman?

 

You screwed up big time and she found out about it and dumped you. If the roles were reversed and you found out she had been giving out her number to guys wanting to get in her pants and they were sending her pics of their junk how would you feel?

 

It sounds like you don't want to take responsibility for ruining what you had and can't understand why she doesn't want anything to do with you now.

 

She may still love you in some ways but it looks like she is no longer In Love with you. Cheating or intending on cheating or disrespectful behavior will do that to how people feel for or see the one they love.

 

Accept you screwed up and ruined a good thing and leave her alone. Right now there is zero chance she will forgive you because each time you contact her all you do is remind her what you did. Go no contact and let her miss you a little and just maybe she will come around again some day.

 

Lost

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it is an interesting point about her not ending it so that she doesn't look bad... but surely, as the injured party you'd just say it and have done with it? perhaps she doesn't want to end it with me because she still loves me.

 

 

You'd be surprised.

 

How long were you together?

 

Small chance she may also be resenting you and is 'making you pay' for your mistake so to speak but if this is the case then i'd be questioning is trhis someone THAT I would want to be with if this is how they handle things.

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she thinks I cheated on her because I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos I didn't ask for... I never once led this person on but should have said I had a girlfriend...Anyway, my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did.

 

As much as you'd like it to, playing the victim doesn't earn you a get out of jail card. By not taking responsibility for your actions/choices, the only person you're fooling is yourself.

 

My guess is she checked out when the trust she had for you left the building. Lesson learned...

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my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me...she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me

 

I disagree with OP that she has not officially broken up with him. As somebody who recently left a serious, long-term relationship I think that maybe what’s happening is that she’s making the choice that feels healthiest for her (breaking up) even though she still has love for OP. That love is manifested as some second guessing and doubts about leaving - which in turn have made an appearance as continued contact, reluctance/hesitation to fully let go and move on. But based on your initial description, this breakup seems very official to me?

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Hi everyone, thank you once more for the replies - appreciated. I do not want to come across for one second that I do not take accountability for this - it is totally my fault and not hers. I brought this on myself.

 

However, the reason I posted this is because the situation is what it is and I wanted to take on advice as to what my next move should be

 

No contact seems to be the general advice which I will have to go with. We normally talk all day everyday but I brought this on myself and that is why the relationship is gone.

 

I don’t know the difference between being in love but “not in love” seems a strange thing.

 

I was thinking of writing a letter after no contact for 7 days etc. Just telling her I take ownership and this is how I feel etc and how I want to take the relationship to the next level and work through this problem.

 

Thanks. JS

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You'd be surprised.

 

How long were you together?

 

Small chance she may also be resenting you and is 'making you pay' for your mistake so to speak but if this is the case then i'd be questioning is trhis someone THAT I would want to be with if this is how they handle things.

 

I disagree with OP that she has not officially broken up with him. As somebody who recently left a serious, long-term relationship I think that maybe what’s happening is that she’s making the choice that feels healthiest for her (breaking up) even though she still has love for OP. That love is manifested as some second guessing and doubts about leaving - which in turn have made an appearance as continued contact, reluctance/hesitation to fully let go and move on. But based on your initial description, this breakup seems very official to me?

 

Thanks we were together 2 yrs. in my mind a break up is a complete severing of contact and a lot of animosity just based on the past. It is strange because when we are together it is literally like nothing has ever changed. No anger, no sly comments, just a lot of laughing and chemistry

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I'm confused. She has told you she can't be with you; why do you believe you haven't broken up? It seems to me she has already ended it.

 

Breaking up doesn't always entail total animosity and total silence between two people. I think you're telling yourself that because you're in denial that she has actually already dumped you, so you are willingly misleading yourself that this isn't already over.

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No letters, no texts, no phonecalls. They will usually appear pathetic and I hope you have more self-respect than that. She doesn't trust you anymore. Take this as a great learning opportunity. In future, don't leave yourself open to interpretation like this in relationships or in general. If there's a chance that your actions may be misconstrued or appear inappropriate, don't do it. This comes with experience. Now you have it. Go forth and live.

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Hi everyone,

 

first post here.. in a tricky situation with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (we haven't actually OFFICIALLY broken up)...

 

she thinks I cheated on her because I met someone, exchanged numbers and then this person sent me pictures/videos I didn't ask for... I never once led this person on but should have said I had a girlfriend...

 

Anyway, my girlfriend who I love a lot has broken up with me, saying I cheated on her when I never actually did. We message occasionally but she's always so hard to pin down, saying 'sorry im so busy, i can't see you'. We still love each other and this has been said, but she says she can't be with me nor can she forgive me... in my mind this is confusing because I have never actually been intimate with anyone else, but still understand her perspective. she ignores my messages or takes hours to respond and it is always me asking to meet up, and she comes up with excuses. it's driving me mad and is making me depressed. if anyone has any advice this would be amazing.

 

the last message was a friendly one, which she read and hasn't replied in a day.

 

thanks for all your help

 

Yah, she's gone.

I think you need to heal from this experience.

You said you understand where she's coming from. I'm guessing you did something that seemed questionable.

Learn from your mistakes for the next relationship.

She might come back = but you need to go no contact and become a better person.

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How did she come across this info? Why did you decide to sabotage the relationship? No contact is not a game. It means leaving her alone to process.

 

Listen, she probably told all her friends and family about this and they most likely advised her to dump you. Give her space. She does not have to continue to date you or make "time in her diary" for you.

 

The highlighted part is key - how did she come across this info????????

If you are still watching this thread OP, this is important information.

I don't advocate spying on someone else's private property. Did she snoop through your stuff?

Or, did you come out and tell her?

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