Considering Asking for a Break in My Relationship

Hi everyone,

I’m not entirely sure if this should be in Relationship Advice or Breaking Up Advice, so I apologize if this is in the wrong section.

I have been with my boyfriend exclusively for almost 4 years, and recently I tried to break up with him...Weeks later, I’m not sure where I stand again.

Important backstory: My mental health has been at an all time low for most of 2019 and about two months ago I realized I needed help to get my depression and anxiety under control. I sought out medication for depression and with the help of my doctor decided on a low dose of medication with close monitoring. For most of our relationship I have tried or had to explain my mental health to my boyfriend. He has never really understood the full impact it has on my life, and has at some points even ridiculed conditions I have or have had (history of ED).

When I brought home the medication and informed him that I would be taking it, things got shaky. He really pushed alternative medicine and even illicit drugs (mushrooms and acid) and got frustrated with me when I didn’t seem to buy into his ideas. Example: meditation (I know it doesn’t work for me). At one point he convinced me to do acid, and I made an off handed comment sometime after the conversation, but before doing the drugs, that I was likely going to take the medication anyways. I was in it [the acid] for the fun, not because I thought a wicked trip would cure me of my chronic and worsening depression and anxiety. He not only gave me the silent treatment but then gave me an ultimatum: the medication or our relationship.

This ultimatum has set off an incredibly negative series of events. I thought I wanted our relationship and so chose to not take the medication. After some introspection and a few tear-soaked coffee dates with friends for advice, I realized I wasn’t okay with that decision or how I handled the situation. A month after the ultimatum was given, and after trying and failing to come to terms with my decision, I attempted to break up with my boyfriend because I was not okay with 1) ultimatums in our relationship, and 2) that he was blatantly ignoring my pleas for help and offering Reddit advice instead. He has since told me that I what did blindsided him.

After many hours of conversation we decided to try couples counselling and have since been to multiple appointments. We are communicating better, and he has since made strides in acknowledging his toxic traits and I have been working on my own faults as well. I have started medication, and he has admitted that he should have been more open to it and should have never made me pick between my own health and our relationship.

I know this man loves me deeply. I know he is trying to change because he knows he has hurt me with his behaviours. I know that it’s not just some elaborate ruse, but he really is trying, for me and himself.

Things seem good, and outwardly I am very pleased. However, there is a part of me that wishes we hadn’t talked it out or even started therapy. There’s a part of me that knows our relationship has been deeply flawed for a long time, and is expecting it to continue to be flawed. I’m very young, only 23, and am starting to feel regret for not living on my own (I’ve lived with my parents and him only, we currently live together now) and growing as an individual or doing normal 20-something things before getting into a highly committed and exhausting relationship.

I am dealing with the ultimate internal battle: leave for new experiences or stick with what I know. I want to believe things can be really good for us in the future and I want us to heal...But I also want independence, and to figure out who I really am underneath this relationship. Underneath the person I’ve become, but do not like.

I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I know that I can’t ask this person to wait for me while I spend time growing up and “finding myself”...But what about a break? I’ve considered many timeframes, but I think a year would be ideal. With a date to reunite and see where we stand...As individuals and as partners.

Has anyone here suggested something like this to their partner? What were the results? I’ve seen people say that they’ve come back stronger than ever in their relationships after taking a break, but also some saying it doomed them and there was no turning back, they had to breakup. I love him. But I want to love myself too. What do I do?

Breaks are really break ups and you are only considering a break because of fear of the unknown. This, as you know, is a very unhealthy relationship. You need to break up, stop spending time on coup,es counseling and get therapy for your depression and to figure out how you ended up in such an unhealthy relationship. It will be hard and a little scary, but you will grow and get stronger so that you can have a healthier, happier relationship in the future.

Excellent you are getting your health well taken care of. You don't need a guy like this dragging you down. End it for good so you can move forward drug free and healthy. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. You can do much better than this guy.

I realized I needed help to get my depression and anxiety under control. I sought out medication for depression and with the help of my doctor decided on a low dose of medication with close monitoring. He has never really understood the full impact it has on my life, and has at some points even ridiculed conditions

 

I’m very young, only 23,

The responses to your post will be varied as it's very subjective. The idea of coming back to something (or someone) you're clearly outgrowing in your own way seems to speak about a lot of insecurities on your behalf and that is ok too. Just acknowledge it and see how far you want to take that idea of leaving. I understand you're afraid and anxious about going it alone for the first time in your life. I'd bite the bullet and take courage. If this is the only man you've ever been with or known I also understand your hesitation. How are you supposed to know what other seas and shores await you in the open ocean if this is the only thing you've known?

Somewhere along the way all of us have had to take a stab at it and take that raft or boat or rubber ducky floatie or whatever they've had and had to sail out into the wide unknown to discover the world on his/her own. If you have that nagging feeling like you're missing out on something while in this relationship, chances are you'll never be happy with this person or in the position you are now. Don't be so afraid of what you don't know. Stick to what you do know (remind yourself when you're on your own): things about yourself, ground yourself, take your medication, keep in touch with your friends and your support network and have a source of income. Apart from that, have fun and start living - really living. Good luck.

Excellent you are getting your health well taken care of. You don't need a guy like this dragging you down. End it for good so you can move forward drug free and healthy. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. You can do much better than this guy.

I agree!

I am still having a very hard time understanding how anyone in their right mind (your bf) could think that acid or mushrooms could help with your issues? I don't understand. Is he an active user? His complete insensitivity is also shocking. Something is really off. I am curious as to what your therapist thought of his medical advice?

Get away from him. He sounds like he has some screws loose. End it.

I just wanted to address some of the content of the comments, just to add context and such to my life and my post...

I do not fear the unknown, but am actually quite drawn to it. I want to be alone. What my fear is right now is that my poor mental state coupled with a few weeks of on and off fighting, has skewed my ability to think rationally. I really loved (love?) this guy, and I’m worried I’d be throwing away a good future with a good man. While we have a pretty rough past, he is a great human in many ways...I think he just lost touch with himself and who he is for a while. The man I’m dating now isn’t the same man I fell in love with- but he’s acknowledged that and is working on it.

Right now the idea of a space of my own, with only myself to care for is av very attractive thought. I feel like I’m hardening myself to his progress because I have this fantasy in my head about how easy and fun life would be on my own.

And to touch on the drugs portion: He does not actively use these drugs but has tried them in the past. The idea of using mushrooms and acid to help me came from him researching methods of easing anxiety and depression without anti-depressants. He has had bad experiences with people in his life taking medication like this and reacted pretty poorly to the idea of me using it too. He thinks I’m going to end up in an anti-depressant haze, but my explaining with the help of a professional (our therapist) has allowed him to realized that what he wants cannot impact what I need. If being in a bit of a fog for a while is what I need to stop feeling as awful as I do, then so be it.

We did not tell our therapist about the acid and mushrooms, and if we did it was very briefly and she never actually took the time to pick it apart. She has stopped our sessions a few times to kind of dig into him about his thoughts on these things, and explain (kindly and softly, as therapists do) that he’s wrong or misinformed.

Sorry if I’m kind of rambling, I’m writing this before finishing my first coffee of the day.

Thank you all for your replies. So far the general consensus (here and elsewhere) is that I need to run for the hills....But I’m still on the fence. I will also be bringing these thoughts up with my therapist, as I have a one on one session booked with her in the New Year.

First I want to say that I'm happy that you did look after yourself. Your mind is so, so very important and it's a hard step to take! Well done! :)

As for where your relationship stands, it's a tough one.

I actually was in a slightly similar situation. My now husband and I took a break for about 6 months (it wasn't a planned length of time, it just felt right after 6 months) and honestly, I wouldn't change it. While it sucked at the time and hurt (I called it off), we both got to focus on ourselves and we learnt a lot. I learned what I really wanted (which was to be with him, there is a long story behind why we had a break that I won't go into here ha ) and he learned a lot about himself and found a new drive (the drive to improve because he wanted to get back together).

So for us, the break was driven by an outside pressure which we overcame and grew. I know this doesn't happen for everyone.

My advice would be to go with your gut feeling and go on a break. Don't give it a time frame, because that's very constricting. You'll know when the time is right if you do want to get back together, and if that time never comes then you will continue on with your new life path. You're young, there's load of life ahead of you.

You only get one life, make sure you're happy with it! You're looking to improve your situation, there's nothing wrong with that. If it's meant to be, then it'll be.

Best of luck with your decision!

He is not a doctor, researcher or a medical professional/scientist. His suggestions are beyond nonsense and into dangerous. Please leave this loser. He is gaslighting you and wants to keep you sick so you are too depressed and messed up to leave.

He has had bad experiences with people in his life taking medication like this and reacted pretty poorly to the idea of me using it too. He thinks I’m going to end up in an anti-depressant haze

Sorry for your confusion.

Reading your posts, I can't help but think that you'll find your mental health improves significantly once you're on your own. I don't mean that to minimize the your struggles, or to connect them fully to your relationship, but what I've observed in the course of 40 years of living is that human beings do not function at an optimal level well when they're doing things that don't feel right or true to who they are. Few activities are more mentally taxing than trying to connect to a person who can't quite see you, and with whom you can't quite feel seen.

This relationship, by the sounds of it, has grown into a shape that is diametrically opposed to much of your natural shape—the shape you're growing into, as an individual. It's a bit like being 3 feet tall and moving into a home with 5 foot ceilings. So spacious and lovely! Then you hit a growth spurt, are suddenly 6 feet tall, and find yourself walking around the home crouched over, bumping your head, in a state of distress. The home no longer feels like a home, because it can't authentically contain you anymore.

This happens between people, especially when we're young and still evolving at a pretty fast rate. Who you are today, at 23, is likely a pretty different person than you were at 19, when you met him and forged the foundation of your relationship. So to stay connected you kind of have to revert back to a different time, a different version of yourself. You have to stay frozen in an earlier version of yourself, hence you feel stuck and out of sorts.

Something to file away: With the right person, at the right time, you won't have to think of a committed relationship as being inevitably "exhausting," a grind to commit to once you've had some fun. My heart broke a bit reading that sentence, because I worry that this relationship is beginning to condition you to think of romantic partnership as exhausting, rather than edifying. Can only speak for myself, but I have refused that concept, through and through, much the way I've refused to think of being a grownup as some slog of endless bills and compromise. I love being in a relationship, and am generally drawn to them, but my base level need is being able to feel "on my own" alongside someone; without that, there is just no potential for harmony or longevity.

I do, of course, understand the fears of letting it go—the desire to "go on a break" rather than "breakup." Pretty common in these moments—and, hey, there are stories of people who have gone on "breaks" and reunited, just as there are stories of people who have fully "broken up" and done the same. It is kind of semantics, in the end. What I'd do is be honest with yourself, and take the step that is calling out to you; if calling it a "break" is what's needed, label it as such. But I'd resist putting a timeline on things, but instead trust that if you guys are meant to reconnect on another level that you will.

Over the years, on the infrequent occasions a lady asked me for a "break", it seemed obvious that she wanted to break up and was trying to let me down gently.

So I just treated it as a break-up and acted accordingly.

Some part of me can't help but wonder whether you're scapegoating him and the relationship thinking/saying it's stagnant as a coping mechanism for your anxiety. I'd see how your medication works out and how the therapy works for you over the next few weeks. Your thoughts might calm down and this might be just another chapter in your relationship together.

As it is I don't see anything major or hell-raising about this person except that the idea of him is a bit more boring than the idea of having your own apartment. Is that it? Because while the thrill is there, you'll also be footing all the cost of that apartment (rent or if you're buying - the downpayment and mortgage) by yourself. That's just the acquisition. Of course it's exciting fantasizing about being on your own. What about the upkeep of it, maintenance, property tax, strata fees and utilities etc etc? Can you afford it? You said you love him. So? Why can't you express your independence while still in a relationship?

His suggestions to use mushrooms and acid are left field but I doubt anyone with some sense would have gone along with it entirely. It would take someone absolutely broken and unsound to have taken his suggestion seriously for one second. Most would think about that twice and laugh at it. I don't see it as a threat to you at all. His beliefs are entirely his and he is also entitled to them. Nothing he says or thinks should influence what you know innately is best for yourself. At every turn in every relationship we experience differences from our partners/spouses. We do not blindly follow along. This is just one of them. To me, not a big deal. You do your thing like you are.

See how things go.