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Thread: My Long & Sexless Rant

  1. #1
    Member IamPoetic's Avatar
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    My Long & Sexless Rant

    Together, my wife and I have been a team for the past seven years (married three). We're still in love and have what I'd describe as a great marriage. Seldom there's an argument and usually when we do disagree, we agree to respect each other's opinions before settling on a common ground. We communicate greatly most days and understand each other. Unfortunately, our sex life is non-existent and has always been the pink elephant in the room when it's come to us. We want to have sex, but for some reason we struggle to find the chemistry and energy for regular sex. We're both in our 30s.

    Admittingly, it's always been that way since we began dating years ago, the sex. There was never enough of it, and one of the reasons that we nearly broke things off in the past. We'd go on these long droughts (months) without having sex. It got so serious at one point that I thought about calling things to an end but didn't upon thinking that sex wasn't so important (perhaps I was wrong). So, I decided to roll the dice on our relationship and stay under the assumption that we'd find a way to work toward a better sex life. I was in love and felt that if the rest of us was good then we should be good, too. Sex was only as important as we made it, and she gave me her word that together we'd work to better our sex life, and I took her to mean that. Fast forward a year. Things got better, and although our sex life was still under construction, I felt that things had improved enough to consider making her my wife, so I did. I bought a ring, asked her family for their blessing and took my shot. She said, yes, and we were engaged. I promised to be trustworthy, loyal -- and everything a good husband ought to be (and I still am).

    Then life happened. A few months following our engagement, my wife (fiancée at the time) was in a horrific automobile accident out of state where she suffered a severe head injury and nearly died. She spent two months in the hospital and due to the damage to her brain she suffers from partial paralysis on her left side. During her stay in rehabilitation, I visited everyday after work and kept my word that I was here for the long haul despite her unfortunate condition; I chose to stay and not disappear on this woman who had such a setback. I wanted to marry her and I meant it. Everyday (for the duration of rehab and thereafter) I watched her fight to return back to her quality of life. She graduated from a wheelchair to using a cane and to eventually walking on her own. Months later, as promised, we got married. We were a strong team back then and an even stronger team now. And to this day, my wife lives on with her disability and to be honest, in my book, she'll always be my hero for being such a brave woman.

    I feel badly for what I'm about to say. I still love my wife and still want to be with her, but I don't feel as sexually attracted to her as before. She's gained some weight due to her compromised mobility and but that isn't all. For the most part, she gets around fairly well and can do most things that others do but just at a slower pace. Doctors have warned her about her health and have tried to encourage her to lose the added weight. I've tried and I've tried to be a good husband about it. I've offered to workout alongside her, help prepare more nutritious meals and even help pay for a gym membership if needed -- anything possible so that I don't have to see the look on her face when we fail at sex and she goes on her spiel about her weight, the accident and she gets down on herself.

    My wife's such an amazing person, but at times she has such low self-esteem which inhibits her from fully recovering and being at her best. She does the bare minimum a lot of the time because it's comfortable. She doesn't cook and not because she can't, but because she doesn't like to. It frustrates her, and she gets into a mood about it. I work in a stressful job, and most nights I have to come home to prepare dinner. It's so bad that even her family at times send food to the house and say to her jokingly, she ought to cook for me more but it doesn't change. She's unable to work because of her condition and I feel like I've always got to be a little bit more in each category to sometimes make up for where she falls short. She used to be horrible with money until I got her into saving and thinking about the future instead of living for the day. She has income, but at one point, I was the only person between us saving anything until I had to jump in to make sure she didn't wreck her finances (or ours). We've had sex only once this year, and I've suggested we see a therapist several times but she doesn't want to go! She says she wants things to happen organically and in the right moment. I'm ashamed to admit that I watch porn here and there just to keep from going crazy, but we're not having sex, and we're not working toward building better chemistry or intimacy. We are affectionate, just not at all sexual. I refuse to go out and cheat on my wife.

    I think, realistically, our lack of sexual chemistry from the beginning led us down this road, and the accident didn't help at all coupled by the fact that I admit I don't feel the same sexually for my wife as I did in the past. As a result, gradually, sex has become less and less and we both just aren't that interested. I just hope someday it hits her that she's got a good thing going for her, but she's allowing the steam to fizzle out by not doing the things she said she would before we got married. I don't want a supermodel, but I want you to be healthy and to be your very best self. She gets into such a funk about her weight some days, that it can upset both our day. She'll cry about how badly she wants to lose weight but won't put in the work or effort. She says she wants to someday go see a therapist to talk about her issues but she won't go there, either. It's frustrating at times. I've tried to point these things out to her, but it hasn't helped thus far. She gets emotional about it, and it ends up falling under the rug just like the sex, the cooking and her weight. I love my wife and want it to work but some days feel like I got taken for a ride by a loving woman who doesn't realize she's got the key. Appreciate the feedback, but please no shade. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    It sounds like your wife is pretty depressed, and it sounds like she has a lot of really good reasons to feel that way. While I understand your distress and certainly don't think you are a bad person for wanting what you want, the reality is the sex wasn't great in the first place and the accident has changed her for good. By changed, I don't mean that she doesn't have the ability to lose weight and take better care of herself, but it seems to have affected her spirit.

    I would try having an open and honest (but kind) conversation with her when she's in one of her better moods. Forget about the sex for a second and focus on her getting help to deal with the incredible stress she is dealing with post-accident. No woman wants to have sex when they feel their partner doesn't like what they see, and you just stated you don't feel attracted to her. You're best bet is focusing on her mental health recovery. Then, she may be able to focus on the health behaviors you are talking about.

    In the mean time, remember that you said "I do" in sickness and health. You even had the luxury of knowing about this accident prior to making it official. Try to continue having compassion for her even when the going is rough.

  3. #3
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    If you have a happy marriage but this sexual side is non-existent, how about an open marriage?

    Everyone needs sex. Sex is important and is an integral part of a healthy happy relationship.

  4. #4
    Member IamPoetic's Avatar
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    Thanks for your response.
    Last edited by IamPoetic; 12-17-2019 at 09:31 PM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She sounds mobile so I assume she's feeding herself when you're not around during the day when you're at work. You can't force someone to make healthy choices or to have the same lifestyle as you. This type of thing often breaks marriages and it's not unusual. I'm very sorry to say that.

    I think for her it comes down to motivation and will and a difference in lifestyle from you. She may also feel you're so much ahead of her in life that she'll never catch up and the task is daunting. She's no longer moving at her own pace; she's struggling daily to keep up with someone she feels she can't keep up with. That's a very, very frustrating place to be especially if your encouragement comes across as nagging. You probably don't intend that at all but that pressure to be anything other than what she already is is turning into a very negative space. In other words, I don't think either of you are a good influence on each other. Does she have anyone else she talks to (friends for example)? Or is she mostly isolated?

    As for you, please put aside any guilt from watching porn. It's not a crime and it shouldn't be treated as if it's a felony. I think you're being too harsh on yourself and that in itself has innumerable ways of seeping out into a relationship. For example, you may be putting more pressure on your wife to get back in shape and have sex because you feel guilty for watching porn or masturbating. Let that go. Release yourself from that kind of burden and guilt and don't play into that mentally/psychologically.

    You expressed having affection for each other. There's a plus in that. It means there's no open hostility even if your resentment towards each other is pretty deep. I'd capitalize on that affection and make it run a little deeper. Eliminate all that resentment by getting rid of your guilt from watching porn and letting go of that pressure trying to change one another. I think this is the first step. The second step is in seeing (for real) whether the both of you are compatible in terms of your chosen lifestyles. You both can go from there.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, it was a mistake to stay together when you both realized your libidos did not match. Normally, a couple can see if they match or not after the high of the honeymoon period passes. Of course, there's also a possibility when one isn't much into sex that the hormone levels are off and getting that checked by a doctor to either rule it out or get treatment if certain hormones are lacking.

    What would I do in your shoes? I'd tell her: "We probably have 50 or even 60 years left on the planet, and I'm not going to be happy having sex once a year. I've made an appointment with a therapist to see if she/he has any suggestions."

    And then listen to what she says. Perhaps she'll see that all the talks of you letting it slide that she doesn't want to see a therapist is now something you will no longer tolerate. Even if she refuses to go, you will go on your own, and this should show her the seriousness of your angst. It might scare her into action, wanting to make things better by a counselor's help, giving you both the skills to improve the relationship.

    In the meantime, see if you can come to a consensus on the cooking. Come up with a regular weekly schedule where you cook on your days off. Buy some frozen meals like lasagna and enchiladas that you can write a note for it to be put in the oven at a certain time and at a certain temperature, if she's one of those people who need concrete directions, so that it's ready for when you get home. And then maybe on two or three days of the week, she can be responsible for preparing the meal. Perhaps you two can go grocery shopping for the ingredients on your day off.

    I'm sure it's frustrating for her not to fully use one side of her body, but if she stops using the other side, her muscles will atrophy. And with more practice, the better she'll get. When I was a teen I had a boyfriend who had cerebral palsy. It wasn't as severe as some people with the condition, but I was amazed he could tie his shoelace totally with one hand.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    A sexless marriage is not a good one. She might be asexual.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    And why doesn't she work? Many people with disabilities do. Getting back into the work world might lift her out of her funk.

  10. #9
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IamPoetic
    . . . anything possible so that I don't have to see the look on her face when we fail at sex and she goes on her spiel about her weight, the accident and she gets down on herself . . .
    How exactly do you "fail" at sex?

  11. #10
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Trust me. You can.


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