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Me and my ex broke up 8 month ago. Together 8 years and a beautiful 4 yo girl.

I abused her trust during the relationship. Lies and betrayal. Worse mistake of my life.

 

She moved on quickly. Met a guy, he seemed cool. We talk often, me and her. and hang out as a broken family on occasions. We have a good bond, I still make her smile and laugh.

I’ve been there for her this year, she’s reached out regarding personal problems and been really upset. I’ve supported her a lot, and offer my help wherever.

She initiates 9/10 of our convos, and I never reach out about my issues with her.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I can’t picture myself with anyone else it makes me feel sick! This is because I’m not over her. She seems to be, but then again she’s been infatuated by this guy who she says she loves.

 

Anyway I thought enough is enough, I must move on. I’ve reached out a lot at the beginning of our breakup to no avail. I planned to tell her I just can’t be friends with her anymore. meaning no more family days together and unnecessary phone conversations. Only ones about our daughter.

 

That morning we went to our daughters play at nursery and when I picked her up she’s bawling her eyes out. I squeezed her tight , and she told me basically he’s cheated on her.

 

I kept my distance that day, my behaviour didn’t match that of the way I’ve been acting towards her since our breakup. I must stick to my guns here. I’ve showed her who I am now and how I can treat her/ how much I’ve changed. It’s up to her to see that or not right?

 

Am I doing this right? Is my timing off for this no contact period whilst I get over her fully and start dating again. or could I have a chance here if I comfort her during this time? Changing my plans now seem snakey. I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m not sure if they will get back together.

Kinda think we will reconcile anyway one day, I learned my lesson and I think it may take her a few heartbreaks to look towards me again.

 

Just some advice please ??

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From everything you shared, you sound like you were right on track and decided that some distance would be order. Now the unanticipated turn of events and a distraught mother of your young daughter. Cutting her off at this time isn't exactly great timing. At the same time be careful that she doesn't run to you to fall back on.

 

If you two were ever to reconcile it shouldn't be under duress. By the sounds of it, you broke her trust and now this guy did too. This won't be easy to come back from. Not for a long while.

 

I honestly don't have a great answer for you. You sound like you are being pretty smart about things. I would just take it one day at time.

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I was kinda waiting for her to reach out today. Maybe an excuse to call, she’s done this since we’ve split. FaceTimed and said you’re daughter wanted to see her daddy. And it always seemed like it was her wanting to talk. Whenever she seemed down about something.

 

But I’ve wasted 2 days waiting, and 8 months of my life in total. And it’s like every time I get involved with her I’m wasting more of my life. Waiting around for the text to feel like I’m needed.

 

I made the breakup easy for her, she said she hasn’t lost me because we are still friends, and that’s where my chain have thoughts have come from recently. I don’t want to be friends. I want my lover back.

 

As long as I’m there for her I can’t move on, no without a period of no contact. And if I ring her tomorrow to see how she is, let her know I’m here, and she’s doesn’t ask for any help or open up...then gets back with him. I’ll feel defeated again. So difficult. But I shunned her yesterday she wanted me to come in and I refused.

I can’t win really lol just wish she’d see me now, but she never will whilst she’s has feelings for him..

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Stick to your plan. Cut contact to the minimum necessary for child logistics.

 

By hanging around being her friend, you are helping her move on - and now you are helping her get over a problem with a new boy friend.

 

You don't need to make some grand announcement - just start doing it. If she asks why, tell her nicely.

 

What activities are you planning to do for self improvement while you do no contact (or in your case, limited contact)?

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I’m in 2 minds now. I want her to see that a care, but I’ve been doing that since the break up... but now is her darkest time. But I think I should focus on myself. I’ve done everything I needed to do to prove myself. But if she gets back with him, I’ll feel like I missed my shot. I’m going to hit the gym a lot more for sure, focus on work and finances. Expand my social circle and start dating again. Maybe even start reading books

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You are no longer a couple. Hanging around her being her ex-partner male girlfriend will not make you a couple again.

 

Having "family days" will not make you a couple again.

 

What might - and it is a very low % given your past betrayal- is if you do the work and improve yourself.

 

And there is no need to tell her about it - she'll see it when you come to pick up your daughter.

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I’m in 2 minds now. I want her to see that a care, but I’ve been doing that since the break up... but now is her darkest time. But I think I should focus on myself. I’ve done everything I needed to do to prove myself. But if she gets back with him, I’ll feel like I missed my shot. I’m going to hit the gym a lot more for sure, focus on work and finances. Expand my social circle and start dating again. Maybe even start reading books

 

I like RayRay's advice.... and edited this to only add-

 

You mentioned, hoping for some sign from her.... but remember people are not mind readers. she may have convinced herself that you guys won't be together, but she wants you around for her daughter.

 

As single mom, she is balancing a lot, especially if you already hurt her. I feel you may be expecting too much from her. She probably needs to hear your side, you just want to choose a good time.

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I’ve confessed my love and appreciation for her numerous times since we split. She’s knows I want to be with her. I go above and beyond for her and my daughter. I’ve jumped through hoops for her. Then she moved on and I was crushed. I deserved it. I’ve learnt from it. I’m stronger now.

I’ve supported her emotionally and financially because I didn’t give her my support as much before. But when do I stop and say enough is enough. I can’t be there for her, on a shelf, when she’s moved on.

 

She’s asked me to pick my daughter up tomorrow and settle her at her house.. my mind is thinking has she got something to say? Why wouldn’t she ask me to have her overnight?

Subtle likes on my social media since her breakup. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

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I can't help but feel that you're being a bit impatient, failing to see the big picture here.

 

When you two were together you were a routine drug user who repeatedly cheated on her. That is who she was with, for years. And now you feel put "on a shelf" because she won't validate a few months of cursory self-work by getting back together? Walk the walk you're on right now for another year and then talk about feeling put on the shelf, you know?

 

I really don't mean that to sound harsh, but to me it just doesn't seem like such a sacrifice to hang out on that shelf for a bit if it means even the scantest shot at getting back together and being able to raise your young child as a couple. That is a display of real strength, because it's embracing genuine self-work and self-improvement rather than making it all a performance in order to win the Oscar for Best Male Transformation, with her as your trophy.

 

You might not realize this, given your age and history, but there are ways to live, and live richly, that don't involve being validated romantically and sexually. I don't think you quite understand that. Why not make this time about exploring that mode of living, trusting that the cards with your ex will land as they're meant to? That means just being a reliable, sturdy man right now—a good dad, basically, rather than a dad who is looking for pick-ups and drop-offs as moments to assess things romantically.

 

There is nothing more impressive about someone who is living well for themselves, rather than to be rewarded by another. It is a quality that defines the best parents and best partners, the two things you seem to want to be. So be that person and you may end up getting the reward you want here. And even if you don't? It's still a win-win because you learned to inhabit a genuinely stronger version of yourself.

 

My few cents.

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You have some good points. She’s owes me nothing I’m so aware of that. But balance is needed, and I’m only a father and an employee at the present, I don’t feel like me. I will remain cordial with her but I am going to back off a little instead of jumping at the chance to see her. I want her to know I’m there, but also I have a life to. Which I haven’t been living. Self improvement will continue, but I need to find a happy place with some satisfaction in between all of this. I need some head space. Thank you...you’re comment makes total sense.

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I though I would see her tonight, but she asked me to have my daughter overnight instead. She’s working later than expected. I agreed, but if she can come have a chat with me tomorrow. I’ve not spoken to her directly since Monday when I heard of the breakup. She said no, then said Ok. I know she’s getting opinions from every angle about what to do with her cheater boyfriend. She’ll take him back for sure. And he won’t change. I smell a rat cause I’ve been one. This guy lost his parents this year, and they are in honey moon period, but they argue a lot when drunk and now he’s cheated. If she walked into my life now when I’d lost so much I’d never harm her. She’s worth so much more, rich coming from me, but I learnt my lesson. I had zero life experiences and went to a full blow family situation, I caved. I don’t know why she won’t see me for who I am now..what should I say to her?

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I wouldn’t take her back even if that miracle Happened and she wanted it. She’s had no time for reflection. She went from break>partying>relationship within about 5 month. This dude will destroy her I can feel it.

 

Then what are you fretting about? You don't want her back right now, so be an awesome man and father. There should be ample reward in that, and that alone, under the circumstances.

 

I don't mean to minimize what I know is a hard moment, but you're kind of all over the map and not seeming so stable while boasting of your stability in comparison to hers. Reading between the lines, it seems like you're primarily interested in her wanting you, rather than actually being together, almost as if you can only move on from this once you know you're fully back in her emotional crosshairs.

 

I think you can be better, and bigger, than that.

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Then what are you fretting about? You don't want her back right now, so be an awesome man and father. There should be ample reward in that, and that alone, under the circumstances.

 

I don't mean to minimize what I know is a hard moment, but you're kind of all over the map and not seeming so stable while boasting of your stability in comparison to hers. Reading between the lines, it seems like you're primarily interested in her wanting you, rather than actually being together, almost as if you can only move on from this once you know you're fully back in her emotional crosshairs.

I think you can be better, and bigger, than that.

ooooh!

 

I like that quote!

 

Great one BC!

I think at this point, you are really focusing on her life and what her decisions might be. I know it's hard, but can you pull yourself out of that rut?

 

It seems like you've got quite a bit of resentment etc.

Focus on yourself right now and do what's right for you and your family.

Thinking about whether your ex will go back to her BF etc etc does YOU no good.

It keeps you attached without any remedy or benefit.

Your act of strength is still okay. We all need to 'act' strong sometimes even if we're not 100% there. But, a life altering turnaround doesn't happen that quickly. You might say you're fine, but still be open to acknowledge when you aren't and ask yourself what you want to do with those feelings.

 

You are better and bigger than getting down into the gutters about where your ex is in relation to you.

You are better because you acknowledge that this situation is complicated, your emotions ARE going to be all over the place and that you will DEAL with all of them in good time.

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I would rather wait for sure! I wouldn’t take her back even if that miracle Happened and she wanted it. She’s had no time for reflection. She went from break>partying>relationship within about 5 month. This dude will destroy her I can feel it.

 

So why stress about "what to say" to her?

 

You almost sound like you hope that guy "destroys" her...

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