I think I blew it, and I can't get it off my mind.

So a little backstory: I've been single for 11 years. And I mean, SINGLE. No dating, no hookups, nothing. I wanted it that way. I do better when I'm single, I'm happier and more content. I was married for ten years and it didn't work out, due to some mistakes I made. I'm not carrying a torch, but it probably made me a little damaged. So I stopped dating and have been ok. Sometimes I miss being hugged, or told I look nice, but really, it's ok. I'm in my forties, and I guess I'm still pretty, although I'm about 15 lbs heavier than I should be. I was never a knockout, but I was cute. I have a really beautiful sister, think model beautiful, and having a sibling who looks like that makes you aware of your own level of attractiveness.

I have a point. Bear with me.

My friend group consists of people I've met hanging out in a my favorite bar here in New Orleans. We only see each other there and for me it's only on weekends. It's mostly guys, which I prefer. It's easier. This last Friday night one of the guys brought in a friend who used to live here and has moved away. This guy looked familiar, but beyond that, he is gorgeous. Wow. I was with some friends in from out of town, too, and one of them is a very pretty, very funny girl. She saw this guy, too, and saw me greet my friend that was with him, and she was like "Can you introduce me?". Of course I can! So I went over to him, got myself introduced, then said "Ok, we're in eighth grade apparently, and my friend over there would really like to meet you, she thinks you're a doll." His response was "Her? Not you?". It sort of caught me off guard, I mean, this guy is way out of my league. Is he flirting with me? Is it a joke? I did my best to facilitate a meetup for them, but she got nervous, and was a little drunk, so she went home. I ended up having a nice conversation with the gorgeous guy for the rest of the evening. We'll call him T. I wasn't trying to flirt, wasn't trying to get anywhere with him because, like I said, he is so far out of my league. So I guess I was able to relax and have a nice talk.

Skip to the next night. My friend who brought T into the bar is having his annual holiday party, which is why T came into town in the first place. He was staying with that friend. I go, and he seems REALLY happy to see me. Like, unusually. He said "You came!" when I walked in and kissed me on the cheek. He then sort of stayed in my vicinity all night. Not talking to me all that much, as I was caught in conversation with other friends, but he was always around, and every time I looked up, he would make eye contact. I went outside at one point to look at the fog and he followed me outside. Here's where it goes wrong.

He started saying that he's been watching me and that he thinks I'm a facilitator. He said "You are very concerned that everyone around you is happy and has what they want, but I think it might be at the expense of your own happiness." He then used me trying to hook him up with my friend the night before as an example. He asked, "Why her? Why not you?" and I said "I don't think I'm your type. I'm not the woman for a guy like you, men like you usually have gorgeous, polished girlfriends. Also, I'm not trying to hook up with anyone." He said "Men like me?" and I said "Come on, don't play that game. You know how good looking you are." He got mad! He said "Stop it with that " and walked inside. I was dumbfounded. I didn't mean to be insulting, but I also don't like fake, and pretending you're not gorgeous, when clearly you are, is fake.

The night went on, and he was still doing the eye contact thing, but seemed to be less in attendance around me. Before I left, I went over to him and said, up close to his ear "I said something to offend you?". He said "Are you asking? No, you didn't offend me". I said ok, and walked away to say goodbye to everyone. While I was doing that, he had gone and sat on the couch and fallen asleep. So I didn't get to say goodbye, and he was flying out the next day. I was really disappointed because aside from the good looks, he's really interesting and I liked talking to him a lot. This is someone I would like to have as a friend. He apparently spends a lot of time here and will be back in a couple of months.

It was bothering me the next day, really bothering me, that I might have hurt his feelings, so I texted our mutual friend who had the party that I had a weird conversation with T, and that I didn't get to say goodbye to him, and I didn't want to leave it like that, so could he please give T my number and ask him to text me? He said of course.

I haven't heard from him, but last night I stopped in the bar to talk to the bartender, who knows all these people and was at the party, too, and before I could say anything, she said "Oh, you missed M and T by a minute, they were here but left to take T to the airport." So, he was supposed to have left Sunday, decided to stay an extra day, went to the bar where we all hang out, and no one texted me. I was so hurt.

This sucks. Any advice or thoughts, guys?

I have to tell you. You blew it. Men don't want to hear things like that. You sounded totally uninterested...

You basically told him you don't think you're good enough for him solely based on looks. That's not attractive.

Why are you putting yourself down like that?

You basically told him you don't think you're good enough for him solely based on looks. That's not attractive.

 

Why are you putting yourself down like that?

Or should that be "disinterested"?

Or should that be "disinterested"?

Nope, what I wrote is what I meant.

You did nothing wrong, but enjoy a party and guests. He's from out of town and you didn't want a hookup so... You don't have to explain anything to anyone, this is not a relationship that requires extended talks.

If you want, friend/follow him on social media but don't try to have a relationship with a one-time party guest. He doesn't owe you anything and he was visiting his friend, not you. Connect on social media if you wish to stay friends, but it may be better to keep/make your own local friends.

Maybe you are ready to date. However some therapy to sort out past issues and sibling rivalries may help prepare you. You could also meet people and improve social skills by joining some groups, clubs, volunteering, taking some classes and courses. Time to enjoy life more.

I texted our mutual friend who had the party that I had a weird conversation with T, and that I didn't get to say goodbye to him, and I didn't want to leave it like that, so could he please give T my number and ask him to text me?

I haven't heard from him, but last night I stopped in the bar to talk to the bartender, who knows all these people and was at the party, too, and before I could say anything, she said "Oh, you missed M and T by a minute, they were here but left to take T to the airport."

Nope, what I wrote is what I meant.

Ooops.. I mean to quote MY reply!

Sorry!

Ok, first of all, I guess what I was trying to convey to him was I am not a hook up type girl. Which I said. And, let's face it, men like him DO seem to always have gorgeous, polished girls around. I am not that, and I'm not going to pretend that what I am is going to attract a guy like that. I mean, we live in the real world. But why can't we be friends?

Ok, first of all, I guess what I was trying to convey to him was I am not a hook up type girl. Which I said. And, let's face it, men like him DO seem to always have gorgeous, polished girls around. I am not that, and I'm not going to pretend that what I am is going to attract a guy like that. I mean, we live in the real world. But why can't we be friends?

Maybe he doesn't want girl "friends"

Well, that's all that's available when it comes to me, so I guess it's his loss.

I wish I hadn't sent the text. I feel like they are laughing at me, and that my friend is now judging me and will think I'm one of the pathetic girls who tries to get T's attention. Ugh.

Don't be your own worst enemy then blame men for doing it to you.

men like him........

 

I'm not going to pretend that what I am is going to attract a guy like that.

Don't be your own worst enemy then blame men for doing it to you.

ZING!

Ok, first of all, I guess what I was trying to convey to him was I am not a hook up type girl. Which I said. And, let's face it, men like him DO seem to always have gorgeous, polished girls around. I am not that, and I'm not going to pretend that what I am is going to attract a guy like that. I mean, we live in the real world. But why can't we be friends?

But that in itself can be insulting to some, not to mention a bit of a turn off. You basically told him you weren't worthy of his attention and that the only reason he would have anything to do with you was to take advantage of you?

He seemed interesting in getting to know you. Why is that a horrible thing?

Instead, you blew him off and insulted him by doing so.

Big picture: I wouldn't fret this much. He's a dude who lives somewhere else, is now gone, and won't be sweeping through Aaron Rose or Markey's or Finn McCools or wherever for a good stretch. Is what it is, nothing to dwell on very long.

That said, I agree with the others.

He was nice, observant, a touch flirty. You responded by essentially telling him he's a player who ain't gonna get none of that—not that he really wanted it anyway, since he's genetically incapable of being interested in you, another thing about him that you knew more than he did.

Had I been in his shoes—and I've been in versions of them—I'd have just been mildly annoyed. I have little patience for those sorts of conversations or for people who assume the worst in me after a few minutes of conversation. It's like playing tennis where the balls are replaced by another person's insecurities, and each swing results in a pulled ligament. Not a fun way to spend a Friday night.

Wherever people fall on the looks spectrum, the only people who respond positively to strangers making negative assumptions about them—and themselves—are people with pretty low self-esteem. You sound like a fun woman, with some verve. I say shake this off, and lead with that next time.

bluecastle: How great is it that you mentioned some of my favorite places! Are you in New Orleans? And thanks for the advice. It makes a lot of sense.

bluecastle: How great is it that you mentioned some of my favorite places! Are you in New Orleans?

Not at present, but I've got a lot of history there, as well as a home.

Well, anytime you're in town, message me and we'll have a drink at one of the places you mentioned.

Wow. You seem so very focused on looks. Why? I mean so much about your sister's looks (my older sister was much prettier than me when we were kids and teenagers and young adults, no question about it - and it was hard especially when I went through that awkward stage). And then your focus on this guy's looks. Fine -so typically people end up with people who are on their basic level of attractiveness. Typically but not always. Not nearly always. I promise. But seriously - why is it ok to be that intense about the looks of someone you just met - it's just not polite, it's not thoughtful, it's objectifying. And I agree with the others you accused him basically of being the kind of guy just looking for a hook up (and anyway even if he were nothing wrong with that).

You can try to text him and apologize for your off putting comments and generalizations and assumptions. But only if you're ready to reevaluate why you focus on looks so much. We married in our 40s and are now in our 50s and by the way - if you're not happy with your extra 15 pounds it's really doable to do something about it unless you have some sort of underlying health condition. I'm 53 and from August to December just by cutting back on certain junk foods, trimming some fats from my diet I lost 6 pounds - not a lot at all but I wasn't on any major diet. And yes I exercise regularly and no I don't drink (and alcohol tends to put on pounds -you seem to like to frequent that bar so I'm just mentioning it). I did not need to lose weight but I put on about 3 pounds over the summer, it concerned me and for that and health reasons I simply cut back. Nothing wrong with being 15 pounds overweight but you seem unhappy with that situation which is why i am mentioning it.

I would text him and apologize.

It's seems you've already gotten great advice, so I won't add much to it, but I will say that this guy strikes me as somewhat egotistical based on certain details in your story:

 

Yes, he may have been joking or was trying to be cute with you, but the underlying message was "Oh, she thinks I'm a doll but you don't?" as if he's amazed that you wouldn't automatically think that way about him.

 

 

To me, these statements are very off-putting. He's essentially telling you that trying to set him up with your friend instead of trying to get with him yourself is "at the expense of your own happiness". First off, that takes some nerve to think so highly of oneself that because you aren't choosing to pursue him, you are risking your own happiness in doing so.

 

Frankly, I notice the cracks in this guy's seemingly-good exterior. My question is, if he's really into you, then why wasn't he pursuing you himself? Why was he criticizing you for trying to set him up with your friend and for failing to pursue him? Why didn't he say "oh, well I think that YOU'RE a doll!" or anything, really, to express his interest in you? Seems to me he was more focused on the lack of your show in interest in him than he was on his own lack of show in interest in you.

 

Just my two cents!

It's seems you've already gotten great advice, so I won't add much to it, but I will say that this guy strikes me as somewhat egotistical based on certain details in your story:

 

 

 

Yes, he may have been joking or was trying to be cute with you, but the underlying message was "Oh, she thinks I'm a doll but you don't?" as if he's amazed that you wouldn't automatically think that way about him.

 

 

 

To me, these statements are very off-putting. He's essentially telling you that trying to set him up with your friend instead of trying to get with him yourself is "at the expense of your own happiness". First off, that takes some nerve to think so highly of oneself that because you aren't choosing to pursue him, you are risking your own happiness in doing so.

 

Frankly, I notice the cracks in this guy's seemingly-good exterior. My question is, if he's really into you, then why wasn't he pursuing you himself? Why was he criticizing you for trying to set him up with your friend and for failing to pursue him? Why didn't he say "oh, well I think that YOU'RE a doll!" or anything, really, to express his interest in you? Seems to me he was more focused on the lack of your show in interest in him than he was on his own lack of show in interest in you.

 

Just my two cents!

I think he was playing off the middle school games she and her friend were playing when they first approached him, or she did. Her whole focus at first was on his looks and I'm sure that was obvious to him so from the get go his first impression was that it was typical shallow bar atmosphere type chit chatting/checking each other out kind of thing. He was just playing along. She started it.

I think you're too insecure. Sorry. It's very offputting and you're playing mind games. If you only want him as a friend, you're overly concerned about what he thinks. You don't add up and you're confusing. Confusing people are unattractive.

You've mentioned looks (your looks and others' looks) quite a lot in your posts. This is also very offputting. It makes you appear superficial and deeply insecure. You may not be that at all but that's what you appear to be and it's overall very awkward dealing with someone who can't seem to stand tall on their own and constantly needs affirmations and confirmations that they're of value. Next time also don't agree to be anyone's mule or messenger.

I hope you learn to believe in yourself more and try not to appear so confusing next time. Yes, he was flirting with you at the party. Flirting doesn't make you a ho or someone of loose morals. It doesn't downgrade you to anything less than what you really are especially if it's appropriate or in the right setting. This was a very social gathering of friends. Don't worry so much about what other people think of you. I think it's crippling you and making you appear very strange. I'm terribly sorry to say this. Hope you see him again or are able to clear the air over the phone.

Ouch. Some things I should clarify, I think. Although I do hang out in that place on Fridays and Saturdays, I don't drink much at all. Two at most. I hang out there for the social part of it, that's all. And I guess if I stopped going and having my two drinks, it might help to lose some of the weight. And yes, I hate that I am heavier than I would like, and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't shake it. It's incredibly frustrating. It's affected me more than I would have thought. I was always the little girl, the size two, and I am disgusted with the shape I'm in now.

I mentioned my sister's beauty as a way to explain that I am fully aware of what real beauty is, and the responses to it. I know it's been hard for her, too. She has talked about people having difficulty getting past her looks.

I have never trusted a man who is that attractive. I've always, as you said, objectified them. I don't know why, it's not something I think about doing, I simply do it. I guess it's a protective mechanism. If I pigeonhole every incredibly good looking man I meet into a player, conceited type, it will put distance between me and them and make it so they can't get close and make me feel awkward or embarrassed.

Interestingly, as an aside, my bartender friend and I were discussing our mutual friends and the party last night and she mentioned that T is not a hook up type guy. She said she had heard that I was being a wingman for my friend, and that T probably wouldn't act on it. Don't I feel like an idiot!

As much as I would like to text him, I can't, as I don't have his number. I asked our mutual friend to give T mine, which he either didn't do, or T has opted not to reach out.

I think he was playing off the middle school games she and her friend were playing when they first approached him, or she did. Her whole focus at first was on his looks and I'm sure that was obvious to him so from the get go his first impression was that it was typical shallow bar atmosphere type chit chatting/checking each other out kind of thing. He was just playing along. She started it.

Yes, the "Her? Not you?" comment may have been a joke or said in a playful manner, I could let that one pass. But the "expense of your own happiness" comment was made in all-seriousness. I took more issue with that one.

Ouch. Some things I should clarify, I think. Although I do hang out in that place on Fridays and Saturdays, I don't drink much at all. Two at most. I hang out there for the social part of it, that's all. And I guess if I stopped going and having my two drinks, it might help to lose some of the weight. And yes, I hate that I am heavier than I would like, and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't shake it. It's incredibly frustrating. It's affected me more than I would have thought. I was always the little girl, the size two, and I am disgusted with the shape I'm in now.

 

I mentioned my sister's beauty as a way to explain that I am fully aware of what real beauty is, and the responses to it. I know it's been hard for her, too. She has talked about people having difficulty getting past her looks.

 

I have never trusted a man who is that attractive. I've always, as you said, objectified them. I don't know why, it's not something I think about doing, I simply do it. I guess it's a protective mechanism. If I pigeonhole every incredibly good looking man I meet into a player, conceited type, it will put distance between me and them and make it so they can't get close and make me feel awkward or embarrassed.

 

Interestingly, as an aside, my bartender friend and I were discussing our mutual friends and the party last night and she mentioned that T is not a hook up type guy. She said she had heard that I was being a wingman for my friend, and that T probably wouldn't act on it. Don't I feel like an idiot!

 

As much as I would like to text him, I can't, as I don't have his number. I asked our mutual friend to give T mine, which he either didn't do, or T has opted not to reach out.

So add up the calories of 4 drinks a week. I don't drink (my limit when I did was about 1 glass of wine a month over two sessions) but when I wanted to lose a couple of pounds i literally evaluated what I was eating (I only drink water and sparkling water and coffee with a little milk so no calorie cutting there) and saw if I could cut back around 1-200 calories/day. I also continued my daily cardio exercise and tried to up it a bit -work out more intensely, walk briskly a bit more. No real dieting. I'm sorry it's hard for you to lose weight - I know it can be!!

I'm really put off by your comments about "real beauty' -huh? Says who? Some magazine, some social media post a la "hot or not??" Yes in certain environments like the bar you frequent there's more of an emphasis on physical features. And you emphasize looks so maybe that kind of shallow environment works for you. Until it doesn't because you had verbal diarrhea about it to someone you barely knew who happens to have a cute face.

Of course you can control how you interact with people especially when it involves you being rude. You make a choice what to say, how to say it, etc. You can think before you speak.

I would let this one go -if he's opted not to reach out that's his choice, honor it. I agree. But please do the work you need to do on your attitude. Maybe hang out at this bar a little less and meet people who spend time doing other activities?

Maybe your sister's view of the world and how people approach pretty people has had some effect on the way you perceive good looking individuals of the opposite sex.

I'd detach from your sister's povs and start thinking more for yourself. Don't let her view colour your idea of others. She probably needs to do some work on herself and stop having such a complex about the way her beauty apparently gets in the way of her day to day life or dating. This is absurd to me. I'm not ugly and I was a size 0 in my younger years (North American sizes). Now I'm a size 6 and I haven't aged according to my peers. Maybe it's the half Asian genes. Sure, I've changed - just like you. Try accepting those changes with some grace.

Don't feel bad about all this. Just move forward more independently with your thoughts and stand tall and proud of who/what you are.