Really confused and don't want it to be over.

I haven't used this forum before and I wasn't sure whether to post here or in break up advice. Sorry for the length of this and thank you if you read.

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 9 months. He told me his ex girlfriend (not long before me) he only saw 4 or 5 times and he felt bad because he didn't feel anything it was just cause he was lonely and so broke up with her.

Fast forward, things were fine, messaged me every day and saw each other as much as we could. He'd told me he'd never felt this way before. That i was the only good thing in his life and that he wanted to be around forever. We would bicker from time to time mainly because of communication issues or because I was upset about him not doing things he said he would or when he said he would.

Saw him last 3 weeks ago. Told me he really wanted me to come over for a couple days. He was a bit different, he seemed short and snappy and I'd never seen him like that. Not just with me but for example to a waitress in a restaurant I had to tell him he was rude and his body language was aggressive. When I got home everything was fine he messaged me telling me he missed me already.

I asked him if he wanted me to give him some space because he seemed stressed. He replied "no no don't want a break". We had plans to have our own little christmas after actual xmas. A week after he sent me his work rotas for the next 2 weeks. On Friday 5th Dec he messaged me goodnight baby etc like normal, all Saturday 6th he was absolutely normal. In the eve he finished work told me he was going to watch a sporting thing and go for drinks. He was messaging me like normal. Then his messages were a bit weird i asked if he was still out, cause I intended to leave him to it if i was. He didn't reply to that part of the message. So i assumed he was at home. I messaged, he read and didn't reply I message again something like "ok nice chat lol" he read and didn't reply. At this point i was quite annoyed/upset and I messaged saying something like you seem really different lately and it hurts to be ignored. If you're not willing to discuss whats up then I don't think I can carry on doing this like it is.

He'd recently gotten lazy as such. He'd make all these promises but not go through with what he said. He'd say he was unhappy at work, not look for a new job. Just little things. He'd forget everything and he was sleeping a lot - only waking up when it was getting dark etc. I was starting to get frustrated because he always said nothing was wrong or he promises he'll get better.

that Saturday night and all through Sunday he didn't say anything. I messaged saying "What did I do to deserve being ghosted?" He replied "was really drunk last night and I need time to think about things" I gave him the space. Monday night he said he needed more time to think I didn't reply. Wednesday he messages me saying I upset him the other night and he's not gonna keep hurting me. He said he needs to fix his head he needs to walk away. he can't be with anyone right now. That he hates himself, nothing makes him happy. Then that he "doesn't want this to end badly" I got really mad at this point. How was he being being nice a matter of days before, calling me baby, planning xmas with me and now acting like it's nothing. I did the stupid thing of telling me how much he'd hurt me asking him to please block me because its hurts. I said some mean things. Told him I was obviously just like the last girl, meant nothing and he'd have a new girlfriend next week. Told him I felt used. The last thing I said was "You're afraid of anyone caring about you too much" he sent the last message "that's probably true".

and that's it. I haven't attempted to contact him. I'm so confused how you can go from apparently caring about somebody so much to not caring at all. I don't want it to be over. We had so many plans and and things were really good the majority of the time. He convinced me I could trust him. I did. and now I wish I hadn't. It's been 6 days since he broke up with me. He hasn't been on whatsapp for 5 days so I'm assuming he's deleted it to avoid me but he's been on all his other social media, following people. Liking different girls pics. Nothing out of the ordinary, how is he absolutely fine we spoke every day for 300 days and now nothing. Every day I want to message him so bad but I stop myself. It's getting harder though. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. Everyone says oh you'll find someone else. Great, but I don't want anyone else. Now it's been 6 days and he hasn't even checked if I'm ok I feel like he'll never come back and I'm struggling to deal with that.

Do I carry on not contacting him in the hope he'll contact me?

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately there were too many obstacles. The distance, the poor communication, his drinking and being unreliable. Whatever plans were discussed were pillow talk and equally insincere. Don't hang on to that.

It also sounds like you have not fully processed the abusive relationship you were in or recovered from that. For example, you were hoping for a price charming but instead got a heavy drinker who goes out and then wonder why he's grumpy or his texting trails off? Also he preemptively told you he just broke up with someone who he only dated because "he was bored".

Stay no contact. This has more red flags than anything else. be glad the drinking bickering and this guy are out of your life. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

Consider some short term therapy to sort out the last relationship and generally picking bad men. You can do much better than this guy. Just don't rush in. Date local men you can get to know better and who are not heavy drinkers.

I was on a dating site this time mainly because I was bored and lonely, my last relationship of 3 years was with someone abusive. 2 hour drive apart

 

We would bicker from time to time mainly because of communication issues or because I was upset about him not doing things he said he would or when he said he would or at times he'd stay out late drinking.

 

Saw him last 3 weeks ago. Now it's been 6 days and he hasn't even checked if I'm ok I feel like he'll never come back

He said he's told me about his ex because he'd learnt his lesson. I personally don't think general bickering or distance are too much of an obstacle. We'd still see each other weekly or bi-weekly.

I'm not into going on dates. I have really bad anxiety and it took every thing in me and his persistence to go on a first date with this guy. I just can't do it.

I can't move on because I don't understand what happened. He told me he was previously in a bad place with depression and that's why he had moved to his current location. He used to live in my city. I don' think theres any such thing as a good guy, and he's the best guy I've met.

I don't want to give up on someone who means so much to me just because he's not in a good place. All I can think about constantly is what could I have said or done different. Maybe I put too much pressure on him. He had some issues with self confidence and said I made him feel better.

My last boyfriend this was easier because he was abusive to me for years. But I can't hate this man. I care about him a lot.

If there's any chance that he could want to work things out then I don't want to lose that but I don't know what to do.

You both sound a bit too enmeshed with each other. It's possible your attachment to him could have pushed him away and he's just immature, period. After all is said and done I think it all speaks for itself. He's completely unreliable and not interested in you. He's possibly not interested in anything and has self-esteem issues and serious insecurities only he can address on his own. If you continue on thinking it's a good idea being with him, you're just settling for a project of a person who needs constant handholding. He's specifically let you go and doesn't want to be with you too. He's not leaving the door open to anything else. If you keep on pressing for more, you'll look like the kooky one. Let him go. This isn't worth it.

I'd go in with this with a bigger perspective and take a good look at why you keep wanting to be with someone who treats you so poorly. It's not good for you but you keep clinging to the idea of something bad.

Enjoy and live your life with better company.

Sorry as well.

Were this your current boyfriend, as opposed to someone you'd just broken up with, I suspect I'd question why you were invested in him, as the relationship you described does not sound like a very satisfying one. Do you want a partner who drinks a lot, is lazy, sleeps all day, routinely makes empty promises, proclaims to hate himself, and with whom you frequently bicker and feel anxious? Is that what you had said you were looking for 10 months ago? Because that's who he is, on top of being a man who is no longer showing any interest in being with you.

Have you worked on your own to address your anxiety issues? I ask because if you get into a sturdier place in your own skin you'll likely find yourself turned off, rather than turned on, by someone who professes early that you are the "only good thing" in his life. Translation: his life is a complete mess and when he looks in the mirror he sees a broken soul. He told you that at the outset, and nine months later you are feeling the full reality of that mess. I get the feeling that you each hoped the other would "clean" some kind of inner mess, which just doesn't happen. That's a valuable lesson here, if you're willing to listen to it.

While you have no control over his foundation, or anyone's, you do have full control over your own. I'd focus on that right now, rather than him, asking why you want to hold onto something that seems to have caused you more pain, disappointment, and strife than peace and happiness. You deserve those things, but it's clear this man doesn't have them to give, and that, together, you each brought out an edgy side in each other.

He did bring me happiness. Like I have never felt before and he was always there when no one else was.

Please note I have specified the bad things directly before we broke up. Not the good things and not the entirety of our relationship. It wasn't always the way it was when it ended. The majority of it was good. I'd never been treated so well. When he broke up with me he said I'm beautiful and everything he likes and he doesn't know what the *expletive* is wrong with him. To be honest, I feel like if I'd of apologized for what he perceived i'd done, and getting upset for him reading and not replying that things would've been different. I shouldn't of argued it.

To clarify, I'm not beautiful. and the thought of ever letting another man look at me again makes me feel sick.

I feel like I didn't try hard enough to respect his communication issues and the next girl would. He would message me every morning and night I wouldn't message him first so I don't see how I can be the only one with attachment.

Also, I'm not scaring him away or acting kooky. I haven't attempted to contact him since and he sent the last message. It seems to be over me annoying him about something trivial so I don't see how it's irreparable.

No doubt I'll be judged for it, but I have mental health conditions. Telling me to see a therapist won't help. I'm 26, and I've had mental health problems since i was 16. I keep stuff inside me as much as I can. I've begged for help or therapy. I am struggling to see a reason to continue waking up every day. I can't just get over him. i dont know how to. I don't want to.

I pleaded with him to block me on stuff if he has no interest in me and he said he would not.

Also we've both paid for our own concert ticket to one of our fave bands. I completed the transaction and so both tickets will be coming to my house but only around 3 days before the concert. It's in February and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know anyone else who likes the band or will come with. Don't know what to do with the tickets.

It won't happen overnight though. Give yourself time. I think you're trying too hard and too quickly to "get over him". It starts with a baby step forward in the direction of helping yourself. This means (forcibly even or with some gusto!) thinking more of yourself and what makes you happy instead of constantly thinking about him and how he used to make you happy. It's a complete change of direction and regulating your own thoughts.

This is what happens in break ups. First is the acceptance that it's over and second, it's a change in thought patterns. It's not much more complicated than that but those two ingredients are critical. It does take time so give yourself time.

About the tickets: Is it not an option to go on your own(by yourself) and just mail him his ticket to his house address? OR you can simply ask him if he wants both and if he can please e-transfer you the cash for your ticket. Ie. you mail him both tickets upon receipt of the cash. Some people might agree to go to the event with their ex but I wouldn't (not interested).

Ok take care of your health. Go to a regular MD doctor for help if therapy isn't available or out of reach. Also check for online or local support groups. Flings after abusive relationships won't solve the root causes of unhappiness, but you know that. Do you work? Can friends or family help?

I'm 26, and I've had mental health problems since i was 16. I've begged for help or therapy. I am struggling to see a reason to continue waking up every day.

To clarify, I'm not beautiful. and the thought of ever letting another man look at me again makes me feel sick.

When you don't feel good about yourself, subconsciously you'll think you deserve someone who is unworthy. That is who you will accept, and it feels right because the world would be out of whack if someone actually decent is attracted to "not beautiful" you.

Not everyone in this world is on the level of a model. So what? Great personalities make people more attractive, and beautiful people become uglier if their personality stinks.

When you get time and distance, with no contact, with your ex you will shake your head at why you stayed so long.

Work on your self esteem for better luck in future relationships. Take care.

I don’t have family.

I’ve been to my GP. I’ve been on medication since I was 17.

This wasn’t a fling after an abusive relationship. I wasn’t with anyone for 6 months afterwards. It was a relationship to both of us not a fling.

Is there anyway to delete this entire thread please?

I didn’t come here to feel worse or invalidated and I’d like to remove my thread if possible.

You can contact admin and ask if they will close it.

Is there anyway to delete this entire thread please?

Unfortunately OP, this was coming to an end regardless of what you said or did. He’d been pulling away for a little while, and it likely is not about you as a person. He just wanted out and to be accountable to nobody but himself.

If he’s got his own issues (and it seems he does), he cannot be a good partner to you. He doesn’t want the normal responsibilities answer expectations that come with being in a relationship. Not at this point in his life, anyway. Fretting about what you could have done differently won’t help you, because this wasn’t something you could have fixed on your own. He’d have to have been willing to meet you halfway, and sadly, he didn’t want to do that sort of work.

It’s going to be best to let him go. It hurts, but you will move past him. He wasn’t the great love of your life, I promise you that.

I can't work out how to contact the admin to have my thread removed can someone help if possible?

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately there were too many obstacles. The distance, the poor communication, his drinking and being unreliable. Whatever plans were discussed were pillow talk and equally insincere. Don't hang on to that.

 

It also sounds like you have not fully processed the abusive relationship you were in or recovered from that. For example, you were hoping for a price charming but instead got a heavy drinker who goes out and then wonder why he's grumpy or his texting trails off? Also he preemptively told you he just broke up with someone who he only dated because "he was bored".

 

Stay no contact. This has more red flags than anything else. be glad the drinking bickering and this guy are out of your life. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps.

 

Consider some short term therapy to sort out the last relationship and generally picking bad men. You can do much better than this guy. Just don't rush in. Date local men you can get to know better and who are not heavy drinkers.

Yes to the highlighted comments!

You can do way better.

This person has shown you who he really is. Thank goodness it's been 9 months and not 3 years!

You don't deserve this treatment.

There ARE much better guys out there.

You need distance right now.

Go on this site and read, read, read everyone's comments.

Watch some good youtube empowering videos - I just LOVE dating guy on youtube. He's awesome.

DO SOMETHING for yourself - have a goal and get going on it!

Create some empowerment in yourself. Become a better you.

Things will hurt for A LONG DAMN A$$ TIME. No one is going to deny this. But, with time and love, you will let go.

I don’t have family.

I’ve been to my GP. I’ve been on medication since I was 17.

 

This wasn’t a fling after an abusive relationship. I wasn’t with anyone for 6 months afterwards. It was a relationship to both of us not a fling.

 

Is there anyway to delete this entire thread please?

 

I didn’t come here to feel worse or invalidated and I’d like to remove my thread if possible.

Some of the commenters on here can be VERY VERY harsh! I know this from my own experiences.

Listen, not everyone on here will couch their advice in niceties. Just develop a thicker skin and recognize that everyone on here is trying to help.

I had to REALLY REALLY look inward. There were some really harsh things said to me too. But, at the end of the day, they were kinda true when I thought LONG and hard about it.

Now, I'm not suggesting that the comments that made you feel invalidated were good.

I'm just suggesting that you just have to take the comments that are going to help you and leave the rest (like anything in life).

Be strong - ppl on here are amazing. Let them help you get through this confusing and tough time. I promise you, things will get better and you will find better out there!

One last thing - I know you don't want it to be over.

So, if you really want this guy back for some reason - go no contact. It might take at least 6 months for the guy to realize his mistake. But, in the mean time, you need to do some new things for yourself. Make sure he doesn't come back to the old you.

Surprisingly, you may end up meeting someone else in your new pursuits.

But, if that's what you want - a guy who isn't very good for you, then go for it - but stay no contact right now and heal!

Post your question on forum assistance: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=72

I can't work out how to contact the admin to have my thread removed can someone help if possible?