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Person I'm dating completely cut me off so she could focus on her studies.


bryonlanus

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Around 2 months ago I [22 M] met this girl [21F] and we instantly showed mutual attraction for each other and we've dated since.

 

We never went anywhere super serious and we made it clear that if it were going to be serious we'd take it nice and slow (we're still in our early 20s). When we got to know each other, I've mentioned my job description, likes and dislikes and so did she but instead of having a job she was actually still studying in a university. I knew that it's hard to balance a relationship and school together but I know I could control myself and not be a burden to her studies.

 

We dated for the next 2 months. We were generally happy in each others company and our chats never had a dull moment. When she would go to school I'd gladly let her know to not worry about messaging me every free time and I want her to devote those times to herself. Some days I'd get a message during her lunchbreak or even after the whole school day but it didn't bother me cause I knew I didn't want to be toxic since I really like this girl

 

 

Around two weeks ago, out of nowhere she started to give me the cold shoulder. She would rarely respond to my texts and if she did it would be one worded replies or even those conversation killers like "haha" or "idk". This gradually got worse as time went on too. At least by then she'd reply but now it takes around a whole day for her to respond. And I know it wasn't because she was "busy studying" because during that span she was mass posting instagram stories, FB posts and tweets. I got frustrated and pointed it out to her.

 

I told her that I noticed how she's been giving me the cold shoulder and I have no idea why. She response immediately with an apology and told me that it would be better if we stayed friends because she needed to "focus on her studies".

 

We went back and forth to see if that was something that she'd want. We finally agreed to stop dating and just be friends until she graduates. But it's been a week and she hasn't contacted me since. Didn't even greeted me on my birthday. She completely shut me out. And did it with ease.

 

I'm angry and hurt and sad and I have no idea what to do.

 

Is the "I don't want to be in a relationship because of my studies" really a valid excuse? Or is there something else going on here that I'm completely missing?

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She response immediately with an apology and told me that it would be better if we stayed friends because she needed to "focus on her studies".

Nobody needs a "valid excuse" to stop seeing somebody, especially just two months in. She could have left it strictly at what I emboldened. Fact is she's lost interest and made that much clear over the past few weeks. Sucks it didn't work out, but there are other women out there.

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She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because I think you went too far in the direction of tiptoeing around her for fear of somehow getting too serious too fast. It's fine to tell someone that you understand they are busy but the level to which you kept focusing on that and putting yourself lower and lower on the priorities of her life was probably at some point a turn off to her. There's no need to message someone you're getting to know to get to know them and if you are getting to know a busy person then you simply do your best to be flexible so you can get to know the person in person. I had a serious boyfriend in my early 20s during a really intensive graduate program and we made time for each other. I met my future husband originally in my 20s when we both had incredibly busy intense careers and we made time for each other.

I just would make it clear that you want to get to know the person that of course you understand busy schedules and that you will do your best to be flexible. Then there's no need to be almost a martyr -instead, how about telling the busy person "I know people text all day and that's not going to work for you so let's check in with each other to make a plan or confirm it and we'll spend time in person once or twice a week unless it's exam time".

 

Also after dating two months many people change their minds about whether there is long term potential. Obviously she didn't go about this in the most polite way but she also told you it was over -she didn't just disappear. I'm sorry you're disappointed.

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Sorry to hear this. She ended things in a somewhat immature way, but she gave you the "friends" and "busy" lines. Just stop contacting her and remove her from all your social media. Plenty of other girls to date.

We finally agreed to stop dating and just be friends until she graduates. But it's been a week and she hasn't contacted me since. Didn't even greeted me on my birthday. She completely shut me out.
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So the tally is - cold shoulder, let's-be-friends, and then very limited responses, your self esteem must be on the low side to keep clinging to this. No need to focus on how valid you think her reason is or drive yourself nuts searching for reasons, this is over.

 

You're 22 and there will be many more women and probably more interactions that will suddenly end - some will be by your choice or some may not. Doesn't feel good but it's part of eventually finding a good relationship that will work. In the meantime, you're in a time in your life when you should be sorting through your future life opportunities and not be clinging to the past.

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She would rarely respond to my texts and if she did it would be one worded replies or even those conversation killers like "haha" or "idk".

 

So you sent repeated texts without waiting for a response. It's important to gauge a person's interest by waiting to see if they make an equal effort, and if they don't, you'll have your answer a lot sooner so you can bail off of a sinking ship instead of clinging onto false hope, or trying to melt the iceberg by bombarding it with what you think is warm attention.

 

Sounds like you don't have much of a life besides being in a romance because after 60 days, you should be shrugging off something that didn't work out with far less sadness than you are, and the anger level should be at zero, because you weren't even exclusive and she didn't owe you what you expected at this point.

 

Always have a full life of spending time with friends and hobbies/interests besides dating. Doing so will help you handle breakups with more ease.

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Extremely immature of her even at 21 and I don't blame you for expecting more from your partner. Unfortunately that's 9/10 of people for you (disregarding age - it never gets better the older you get, trust me). Take it all with a pinch of salt and let this roll off your back. What you can do, however, is lower your chances of connecting with an immature or less self-aware person and just take your time getting to know someone.

 

I'd also nix that gray area no man's land dating but nothing serious type of bs. Don't be afraid to be serious. I think it's understated and people make a big stink about being too serious at the start but then end up complaining that other people don't take them seriously. Stand up straight and look your dates in the eye and don't be afraid to ask for more because THAT'S the kind of guy you are (if you are). This is all part of learning. You do you. Don't hang on to this one.

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Is the "I don't want to be in a relationship because of my studies" really a valid excuse? Or is there something else going on here that I'm completely missing?

 

It's not a "valid excuse" it's a classic excuse. Also, I wouldn't fall for the let's be friends speech as that's another one of those dime a dozen nonsense excuses.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but there's more candidates out there.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, bryonlanus.

 

Whenever people are swamped with work, personal turmoil (w/relationships or not), health (physical & mental) or money, they're pressured and stressed. They don't have anymore brain space to give you which is human nature. You don't have to like it but you have to grudgingly accept that this is how people are. What you're experiencing is universal even if you feel their excuses are lame.

 

My story is not the same as yours. However, I'm just as guilty. Whenever I was in the throws of past bad times, I was not a very nice person. I didn't handle stress very well and I'm not proud of it. I didn't feel like socializing nor feel close to anyone. I dropped out of social groups who met regularly every week and even permanently eliminated some friends out of my life. Any extraneous thoughts were considered superfluous and high maintenance so it was off with their heads. I lost interest in them because I was too preoccupied with my own insurmountable problems at the time. I was blunt yet civil toward relatives and in-laws. I went silent at home. I could only function at the bare minimum which was a feat in itself. I had to concentrate on fixing problems one by one. I'm not good at multi-tasking especially when it comes to taking care of other people. They got the ax until I could get my act together and life back on track.

 

Now that life is finally "gravy" and on the upswing, naturally I can breathe with a sight of relief. I'm in a better mood because my troubles are light. Therefore, I'm nicer to those in my midst. Generally, this is how people tend to be and it is nothing new nor a revelation.

 

The best thing for you to do is to soldier on and truly move on with your life. Know that the relationship wasn't meant to be nor endure. Breakups at your age are common since at your age it's the college age, jump starting new careers and during your early 20s, young people haven't settled yet regarding education, careers and financial security. It's a shaky time and once everything is taken care of, that's the time when you can coast and actually concentrate on relationships and the good life.

 

Take a break or move onto a woman who is more available for you.

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She's letting you know that she's drifting apart and fading away from you. Take a hint and move on without her in your life. It's the way it goes. I'm sorry. Not all relationships were meant to endure. Many times, you have to go through many partners before you have a special person for life or on a permanent basis.

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