Very recent ex is now suddenly dealing with his previous ex's death..help!

Hi all, it’s been about 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. Was a 6 month relationship, but I really thought this could be the one.. after a few heartbreaks and non-starters in my early-mid 30s. We broke up because of his recurrent feelings of doubt he has in relationships, and his inconsistency and inability to truly “throw himself into” it. He was in counselling for all this (and had started this counselling months before we met), and he was trying to work through it- so I was hopeful he could get past it. He had said I was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time etc. I'd met his family and friends etc. But it became too painful and unhealthy for me to stay. His inconsistency and feeling him pulling away was damaging my self esteem- which is already very fragile. He’s a kind, good man- and was never defensive with me when I tried to talk to him about “us”. So it’s hard for me to just write him off as a selfish narcissist etc. He wasn’t.

The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. Which says it all really. But to make matters worse, it’s not a typical breakup (I guess no-ones feels typical)... two days after we split up he found out that his ex (ie the one before me, not me!) took her own life earlier the same week. Uuughh. Horrific situation for all. Messed up situation.

The self centred hurting part of me can’t handle this. He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. And I hate admitting it.. but I feel totally sidelined. Like this is now “what he is getting over” and that I’ve been wiped out/forgotten like I never existed. I’m ashamed to have these feelings in the circumstances.. but I feel like a complete “nothing”. Uuughh. I’m trying to get over him, meanwhile he is getting over his previous ex whose just died. She was his most significant ex before he met me, and they had broken up 18 months before we met. I got a missed call from him last Friday - which i thought was odd (was the last thing he would do really).. and it turned out to be a mistake.. a 'pocket dial'...and on the day of his ex's funeral. Ouch. Another punch in the face. I have sent him a couple of supportive messages. But i'm having to go 'no contact' now- its too painful.

The craving for external validation from him that I meant something to him is so strong right now. I feel totally worthless/nothing/insignificant/invisible/forgotten. I know I need to work from within to heal, but it's f*cking hard right now..

Any advice welcome! :)

Sorry to hear this. After dating 24 weeks you were wise to cut your losses since he was not into what you wanted. At 6 mo there isn't that much time or emotional investment so it's better to quit while you're ahead, as you decided to do.

His ex killed herself and you're worried about "being sidelined"? Just leave him alone to grieve there is no point in communicating. He has friends and family who can be there for him.

6 month relationship.The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. two days after we split up he found out that his ex took her own life

 

He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. .. but I feel totally sidelined.

I'm sorry you feel invalidated by these outside circumstances. It's hard going through a breakup, I think you were fortunate in having a guy who is a decent communicator, maybe in a way, your missing that emotional intimacy.

I agree with Wiseman though, I know it's difficult, but, this man will not be able to give you more than what he has. This is a hard time for him.

Try to focus on other things, and move on with your life.

I'm sorry that this happened. In the future, do not date projects. Look for someone who is in a healthy place. Were you thinking you could 'help' him through it?

I think it is great that he sought therapy, but he should not be dating.

Now you are playing his therapist. You should cut contact, now! He has a doctor and friends to speak to. I think it is really messed up and selfish to be dumping this on you.

Wish him well, and cut him off and block.

You should also address why you ever entertained this relationship in the first place. Do you usually date these types of men? A lot of red flags with this guy,

The good part about all this is that you are alive. If he's forgotten you, you do not forget yourself. Ever.

Good for you for recognizing all those emotions. You can't change what has happened and you certainly need to stop with the handholding. You offered your support and that is it. Try to keep your distance and keep him at arm's length. He is still an ex and he is not a friend. He has friends and family members for his grief and he needs time above all else to recover. He has counselling with a trained professional. He doesn't need you. And you do not need him. He made his choices and he can lie in it. We all make choices.

What you do need is time yourself and your own independent support network. If you're having trouble with your self-esteem, start reconnecting back with all the things that you enjoy and be wary of the company in your life. When we're low, we're at vulnerable points and often let unsavoury characters in that we wouldn't normally associate with. This includes your ex! Any ties to him are inappropriate. You still owe it to yourself to recover from the relationship and put this relationship to rest. It's over - whether for better or worse, it's completely over. Be kind to yourself by being realistic.

In time, you'll be able to see things more clearly as the dust settles but for now give yourself the appropriate time and space to live your life independently of any idea or memory of that old relationship. It's finished.

I am a suicide survivor - someone close to me committed suicide. it is overwhelming, it is shocking, and unlike having someone pass away from a long illness, there is much burden that you feel over what you could have done to prevent it, even if there was no way in the world that you could. This is bigger than a breakup of a 6 month relationship. It affected me deeply for many years. It still affects me, though its not as debilitating. I can remember the person fondly sometimes without automatically thinking of the actual suicide.

If an ex from 10 years ago that i dated for 7 months died, i probably would think "that's too bad" but it would not deeply affect me. But if its more recent or particularly suicide, i would have a lot of inner turmoil - having spent a lot of time with that person wondering how i didn't see it coming or if i did, especially if i left that relationship for my own good vs them breaking up because they wanted to date others.

once you breakup with someone, you don't "get over the breakup together". I suspect you thought through more counseling he might be convinced to stay or to get back together with you. he is not cheating you out of anything by not processing the breakup together. in fact, i suggest you work through your letting go and moving on on your own.

No one should be in counseling in order to force a relationship that they are not ready for. If someone in an early relationship is not feeling it or not capable of being in a relationship right now, they should not be in one vs being in counseling to peel back the layers to throw themselves into it.

I don't think it was the right relationship for you, and he was "trying" to be in a relationship that on paper he should be in, but he was not really ready or maybe simply not a good match.

Either way, i feel you think 'this is my party, i can cry if i want to" and because the biggest reason for grief right now is not you, you feel cheated.