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I (22m) miss her (20f) so much and need her back more than anything in the world


ineedherback

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TL;DR my ex wants nothing to do with me seemingly but i need her back

 

 

 

Long story short, I met this girl during finals week of last semester at a party. She came up to me and was all over me from the start. She was absolutely beautiful, with amazing dark hair and eyes. She had a sweet and shy personality, and came from a really sheltered background. Things hit off pretty well, but I was very busy at the time and didnt pay much attention to her but she texted me all the time and basically chased me. Over the summer, we texted back and forth a few times but she was usually the one texting first and I never bothered to see her. Fast forward to August, and we immediately started hanging out all the time, going home from the bar together, and texting each other back and forth. Once again, she was the one doing most of the chasing.

 

As things went on, however, I came to fall in love with how much she truly cared about me. She tried to help me with my substance issues, took care of me when i was sick, and always asked me if i needed anything or was ok. she even used to make me breakfast every morning after we'd hook up, and even though she was a terrible cook, i would choke it down with a smile because i appreciated her so much. As time went on, i showed more and more affection toward her and started doing things like texting her first, buying her dinner, kissing her on the forehead when she slept, and telling her how much i loved her. but she sometimes responded to this in a passive aggressive way and didnt seem to appreciate the affection as much as i thought she would. however, she kept wanting to hang out during the day and do relationship-like things all the time.

 

One day at work, i got a text from her saying "i think were moving too fast and too deep in a relationship and thats not what im looking for". I responded politely, and we kept texting and talking like nothing happened. then we had a long talk about what our relationship was and she claimed she wanted to go back to being just a hookup. I confessed my love for her and she replied that we "should end it while were ahead", but that "anything could happen in the future".

 

i spent the next week in a deep depression. I couldnt eat, sleep, or focus on school and work. However, one night at the bar, she came up and started talking to me and went home with me. I was so relieved and happy to have her back. It lasted three weeks. We texted and hung out like before, however her behavior became more erratic and passive aggressive. She'd do things like abruptly ask to go home while we were watching a movie together, or refuse to give me a kiss goodbye when i dropped her off at work (however, shed always apologize later for being "awkward"). The second to last night we spent together, however, was perfect. She acted like she did at the beginning, we had sex and cuddled, and talked for hours about ourselves. i told her all about my childhood history of abuse, my anxiety issues, and a bunch of other very personal stuff. she also told me a few of her secrets and we held each other until we both fell asleep. The last night was ok, but she abruptly said she was tired and wanted to go home as soon as she got to my house, despite having texted me that she missed me and was excited to see me an hour earlier. I convinced her to stay and we just cuddled for a bit, and she asked me to drive her to work in the morning.

 

i woke up and she was gone, and my pajamas, which shed been wearing, were folded up on the foot of my bed. Then, her texts became one word responses and she started avoiding me in public. I pulled her aside at one of my frats parties and asked her what was going on and she said she was "just over it" and that i liked her more than she liked me and that she "didnt want to lead me on". i was devastated. i gave her her clothes back and cut ties for a week, until she showed up again. i tried to talk to her casually but she just seemed awkward and avoidant. i broke down and told her i missed her, with tears in my eyes. she responded "i just dont miss you" with a nasty smile on her face. I began to panic and raised my voice, and then she got mad and told me that "i have to move on" and that she was over with me. i asked her why she was being so cold and she just started walking away. I screamed at her and told her to never come to my frat's house again and called her some names which im not proud of. i then punched a wall so hard i broke my hand and had to have surgery a week later.

 

after the incident, her friends started to give me the cold shoulder and she completely stopped talking to me. they told me she was scared of me and didnt want to see me. i sent her a long, well thought apology asking to be friends and put the relationship and the situation behind us. however, she just sent me a short response of "thanks for reaching out and were cool". she kept ignoring me and i accepted that it was over. however, she sent me an accidental text on purpose a week later (she texted me asking how i was doing then said it was meant for someone else 2 hours later). i didnt respond, thinking that she wouldnt want to hear from me. she continued to ignore me in public and i ignored her, only glancing at her with the corner of my eye. yesterday, i heard from her friends that i wasnt welcome at her house's parties anymore. i went home and cried for hours. the whole time i had held on to hope that maybe i could get her back somehow. now, im sitting here thinking of how i could possibly get her back. please dont tell me to move on. i need her in my life more than anything else. i cant bear to see her all the time (i go to a very small college) and not be with her. i think she may be hooking up with someone new, but im not completely sure. any advice would help.

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She told you it was over and you kept pushing it. And her comment about “you never know what might happen in the future” is a comment people say when they’re trying to break up and the other person isn’t catching on, begging otherwise, etc. it’s a kind way out — especially when a woman feels in danger

 

You’re infatuated and she told you she doesn’t want this.

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You need the dramatics, disappointment and disrespect? I'm sorry you are hurt, but she told you long ago that she did not want anything more than a FWB. You need to listen.

 

This girl is a total mindfu3k, she likes to mess with people. She has really treated you like sh:t, and you are begging for more.

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You called her names and punched a wall. Plus you have substance issues. I can understand why she's reluctant to get into a real relationship with you.

 

Does your school have counseling services? A substance abuse recovery program? I recommend you look into those things. To help yourself, not as a ploy to get her to see you again.

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please dont tell me to move on. i need her in my life more than anything else.

 

 

It’s really scary how our emotions cloud our better judgement. Cloud reality.

 

But this quote is terrifying. You “need” her in your life more than “anything else”? You barely know her. This is a temper tantrum of sorts, robbing her of her autonomy, and I really hope you don’t get violent in an effort to make your dreams a “reality.”

 

 

if she felt in danger then why did she come back after saying that?

 

She may not have felt in danger personally. But that’s besides the point — women return to their abusers all of the time. When people have trauma issues they tend to repeat them.

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Think about the psychology of words as being important, and how they will affect you. You don't "need" her. You want her back in your life because you miss her. Yes, that's normal when you've grown to care for someone. To be factual, you need food and water for survival, but you can live without a human being who doesn't have the same dating/relationship goals as you.

 

Your union worked for her in the beginning because you weren't into her, and apparently she just wanted company and something casual, and that's what you gave her and it worked for her.

 

When you developed feelings, it's not what she wanted. She's young, and probably wants to experience a lot more in life before becoming serious with anyone.

 

You're young as well, and your lack of maturity is showing because you're not respecting her wishes. It's time for you to grow up and do the mature thing and lead your separate lives without begging and pleading with her to take you back. Even wishing for it shows how little you've learned about relationships and how two people need to be compatible in all the major ways for it to work.

 

Any future relationship won't work either, until you've worked on yourself to be the best person solo that you can be. In addiction programs, they strongly recommend you don't make any major life changes until you've been sober at least a year. That includes getting a new pet, moving into a new home, and getting into a new relationship. As you can see, you're not in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now, because breaking your hand is egregious behavior, so you need to get to a good place mentally to handle anything that comes your way, including breakups which are very common to happen, over and over, especially in one's younger years. Take care.

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I agree with Andrina. You don't need her back. You want her back. There is a significant difference.

 

She should have been a lot firm in her boundaries and not hooked up with you knowing she didn't want to date you again. That wasn't cool. But the bottom line remains the same - she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. I too wonder if she's been seeing another guy and has backed off with you since things have heated up there. Your overreaction to her telling you it's over (punching the wall and breaking your hand) didn't help matters, but it was over before that anyway. This isn't going to be the great love story of your life, my friend.

 

Please get yourself into some counselling to deal with your painful past and substance abuse. They are not a partner's problems to deal with, particularly when that person is so young and inexperienced with life. You need to get those things sorted out or you will likely continue in a cycle of dysfunctional relationships.

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Sorry to hear this. This isn't about her so just leave her alone. She is too young and has too much life ahead of her to be your nurse, therapist etc. She did the right thing ending it and getting far away from you and at some level you know this.

 

She most likely told all her people what a violent abusive ass you were being so of course they are giving you the cold shoulder and won't allow you near them. Stop using girls for sex and using your self pity and anger to control them.

 

You need to get into a rehab program and regular therapy.On this trajectory you'll end up kicked out of school or jail or simply back home with mommy and daddy. Imagine what your parents will do if they have to bail you out or pay fines for your destructive behavior. You are becoming your abusive father and fueling that with drugs and booze.

my substance issues,

i got a text from her saying "i think were moving too fast and too deep in a relationship and thats not what im looking for".

i spent the next week in a deep depression. I couldnt eat, sleep, or focus on school and work.

i told her all about my childhood history of abuse,

I screamed at her and told her to never come to my frat's house again and called her some names

i then punched a wall so hard i broke my hand and had to have surgery a week later.

i heard from her friends that i wasnt welcome at her house's parties anymore.

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I feel bad for you, ineedherback, because I know you are going through pain and heartache. However, it is clear that either you lost her or she never really wanted to be in a relationship. So, stop thinking about her, and just as what others advised here, move on, heal, learn how to control your outbursts, find out how to be a better person over all, save your energy on something more productive like work or studies.

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