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False hope


ShirleyB

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I am in need of some preferably positive/honest advice on my current situation. My boyfriend of over a year and I had been doing well, we had lived together for most of the relationship. Well somewhere along the road he became distant and short and everything I did or said made him angry/agitated or just flat out annoyed him. If I voiced that anything bothered me or that I was upset he would dismiss it and basically want me to deal with it the same way he deals with his issues. Without talking about them. So one night I got up and went to go sit with him in the living room and started conversation, well he was clearly annoyed because he didn’t want to be interrupted.. so I asked what was going on and his response without even looking away from his video game was “I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore”. Flat out. Didn’t even want to elaborate or explain where it had come from. So I got up packed an overnight back and went to stay with a friend. Fast forward a few days and he had literally been going out with his boys every night getting absolutely hammered. He said I didn’t have to move out and we could be friends. I told him that because I still had strong feelings for him I could not be his friend and it would be uncomfortable for me to stay at the house. So I packed my things and moved. Well the day I loaded my stuff up in the car he came home (he knew I was at the house packing). We talked and I suggested not writing off the relationship completely and maybe seeing if living apart for a short time we could fix things. He didn’t say anything for an uncomfortable amount of silence so I nodded grabbed the last box and said “ok”. He immediately stood up and said “fine, but I’m going to hang out with my friends when I want”. Which didn’t bother me I’ve not ever been one to tell him what he can and can’t do.

 

 

Well it’s been about 3 weeks since then. We have only hung out 4 times since then and he rarely actually talks to me. He is ALWAYS out with his friends. And whenever I seem to call (which really isn’t often maybe twice a week) he is instantly rude and sounds almost disgusted to have to talk to me. But everytime after about and hour he will act like nothing happened. He is still saying he loves me and (I know it’s really stupid) but he still follows me closely on social media and likes posts and is keeping the snap streak going. (Very silly I know). I just don’t understand why he continues to string me along and keep the door open and continue the relationship.

 

I feel as though he may not ever cut off contact and it may have to be my call. But I am not ready to close that door even though my anxiety and constant obsessing over the situation clearly aren’t getting any better. When let’s be honest he prolly hasn’t thought much about this at all. Is it stupid to think that he still has feelings strong enough to make this work?

 

 

Sorry for the long drawn out post

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You did the right thing by moving out--good for you!

 

But for some reason, you just can't take that final step.

 

What's in this relationship for you? He's angry, dismissive, and does the absolute bare minimum.

 

Are you so desperate to have a relationship that you're willing to settle for someone who hates you?

 

In your case, I think you should cut all ties, block him on social media, etc. because you can't trust yourself to make good decisions while he's got your ear.

 

Then take some time to yourself. Get back on your feet and find a good man for yourself, not a pathetic hater like this one.

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He wants a paying flat mate and one that doesn’t interrupt his games.

 

Why did you a year ago agree to be that?

 

I’m glad you had the sense to not be that anymore but you need to figure out why that was something acceptable to you at the time and why you ever thought it would change?

To prevent you getting in such a lousy situation again??

 

He has no interest in you but your social media is interesting because it’s just another game to him.

 

Game over!! Delete and block.

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How old are you and your boyfriend?

The best thing you can do is to remove yourself completely.

Don't call, text, nothing. Block him.

You will suffer for a week and things will get better after that. In a few days you will realise you have been taken for granted.

Let him have all the space in the world

The only way for him to get to his senses is if you actually will disappear. Real sense of loss.

He needs to feel it. Right now he wants freedom and this is not the time to get through to him.

Leave him be.

Focus on you !

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Sorry to hear this. How long have you lived together and why did you move in so soon? What was wrong with where you lived? Are there problems with your parents or holding down a job? How old is he? He sounds much too immature and irresponsible to be in a relationship, no less live with anyone. Where did you move to?

 

Clearly he was drinking a lot and playing video games a lot when you were dating, no? Good you moved out rather than be demoted to roommates with benefits. You need to move on and stop hanging out with him, stop calling him, stop chasing him. It's over. He told you he doesn't want a relationship so pull your self respect together and leave him alone. He may have found someone else or simply prefers drinking and partying to playing house..

My boyfriend of over a year we had lived together for most of the relationship.

 

his response without even looking away from his video game was “I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore”.

he had literally been going out with his boys every night getting absolutely hammered.

 

hung out 4 times since then and he rarely actually talks to me. He is ALWAYS out with his friends.

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I think you did the right thing. Watch the feet not the lips - his actions show what he wants. He wants to go out drinking with his friends and this is more of a priority than spending time with you. He doesn’t want you to have any involvement in his life that interferes with this priority. He does want to see you when it’s convenient for him. That doesn’t sound ok with you (it wouldn’t be ok with me either). You teach people how to treat you.

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You have to close that door even if you don't want to now. It's unhealthy to continue contact with him. Cut all communication off including social media.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Don't believe him when he says he still loves you. He's just playing with words and your mind which leaves you confused with wishful thinking. False hope is right. Never bank on false hope because if you do, you are naive.

 

He doesn't want a commitment with you. He's still one of the boys, immature and hasn't grown up yet. He doesn't want to live with you and have you be in wifey mode.

 

It won't work. It's best to part ways and move on with your life.

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Please learn from your mistakes or you are bound to waste a lot of invested time on someone who is not worthy of you. Never make major decisions like living together until you've seen how a person treats you in the long run. Do they make equal effort? Do they care for you when you're sick? Do they help you when your car breaks down? Do they have the same longterm goals and ethics? Do they have the capability of being faithful? This takes at least a good year to learn these things.

 

You clearly make too much effort without waiting for him to make effort in return. When you called him twice in a week, I'm guessing he didn't call you at all. DON'T DO THAT. You give effort and now it's a guys turn. If he doesn't, you have all the info you need, that he's just not that into you, and you can say, "This relationship isn't working for me" a whole lot sooner than you have. Sounds like you've been the driving force in the relationship and he's been along for the ride until now just because he's too lazy or cowardly to tell you to stop the train so he can hop off.

 

If you hadn't moved in with him a year ago, and you'd sat back to see if he made equal effort, this relationship probably would've last no more than six weeks and you could've saved yourself a lot of heartache and the stress of uprooting. Own your mistakes now so you'll date smarter in the future. New adventures await you in 2020, so do some fun holiday events with family and friends, and look forward to the new year ahead.

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Sorry for what happened Shirley. It sounds like an awful lot to go through. The way he's dealing with your relationship is very childish and irresponsible, and I'm not even sure if that's something time or maturity can help. He is not ready or willing to be in a committed relationship. On top of that, he is not even nice or decent toward you. You would be better off shifting your attention to more rewarding relationships and activities. Make and connect with friends that respect you and actually care about your well-being, and you can see how poorly your bf has been behaving.

 

Write down a list of his cold/disrespectful/distasteful behaviors, and read it whenever you feel the urge to call him. That should help you move on. If you find yourself still missing the old days when he was acting nicer, remember people tend to put on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. If things deteriorate after merely a year or so, that is usually them showing their true colors.

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That was very good of you to leave. Your quickness though about it means that you haven't had time to find a permanent solution for you (in terms of your living situation) and you're in limbo now. You were quick to react but slow to process. That happens. Now the leaving is done, process what you have to process. A lot of us have been in this situation. You pick yourself up off the floor and do what you have to do. Restart your life without those previous negative influences. Don't stay stuck in limbo at your friend's place. Start thinking more steadily and permanently about your future going forward. I think your worst outcome right now is going back to your old place or dating him again and the second worst outcome is staying stuck in limboland.

 

Move forwards.

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What is going on here is a very lazy guy who probably cares about you to some degree, but honestly...he is nowhere near ready for anything serious or feeling any kind of love that you wish or hope he would.

 

You need to quit fooling yourself.

 

He sounds too young and too immature for what you're wanting. He is with his guy friends, he's having a good time. He does not want to be "tied" down or worrying about a relationship right now.

That's his right.

He doesn't have to be, and he doesn't need to be.

 

Maybe one day he might be ready, but the way you're describing him...that will be years down the road. And if you want the honest truth, you two do not sound like your the right ones for one another.

It just doesn't work.

It's like trying to beat a dead horse and trying to force something to work and crying your eyes out for it to work.

 

You need to let it go.

 

Heal, do your best to stop wondering what he's doing, block/delete, so you can get peace of mind.

Stop caring about his little breadcrumbs...at best, he's keeping you on the back burner for when he is lonely or wants sex.

BUT THAT IS NOT LOVE.

 

Please do yourself a favour and walk away from this guy and don't look back.

Clear the path for the right man to come along.

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