Please help :(

Hello,

I have come to you for advice. Myself and my ex were engaged and together for 5 years. We postponed our wedding, due to the grief of me losing my father. In the lead up to the wedding, the break up hit me in a bad way. The past year of our relationship was hard and we mutually decided to break up. It was very hard and he showed no emotions, until he posted a picture of 2 girls kissing him on social media and I messaged him telling him that I found it disrespectful. Other than that, he has acted completely fine throughout.

He has bought me out of our house and become very cold, deleting all pictures of me from social media this year and now myself from social media, as he believes I cannot deal with the break up he told me when I have moved on and accepted it 'he will read me' as he would love to see where my life takes me, and if I have children etc (strange). I have angered him, as I have constantly bombarded him with texts since our break up, constantly. Which I told myself up to and I know for true advice I need to be open about. He has told me if I hadn't have sent such messages, he believes that he would have come back to me. But now, as he has seen that angry side, he knows he never would.

I want him back to much. He tells me one thing one day and something different the next. He goes from telling me he will never come back on a phone call, to saying he can't say never when he came to collect some things, as he didn't think it would happen. We had a hard call around 4 weeks ago, where he told me he wished me happiness and it was very amicable. He said in that call that he didn't believe we would ever get back together and ended the call by wishing me the best. On the Friday, we spoke one phone and he was angry, saying he felt like an idiot when the call ended as he had thought to himself, have we made a mistake. He told me on Tuesday in the morning my actions would show what I wanted when I said I wanted him back, to that evening saying that he categorically wouldn't come back to me and it was unfair to lead me on as he is a nice guy. But in 3 weeks/3 months he would contemplate adding me on social media again. as he wanted to see that I was happy. He has said several times that I just haven't left him alone and constantly sent him message after message which have been hurtful and emotional. I admit I accused him of being with people I know, and said some not nice things. He said that if I would have left him, he would have had time to grieve, but it has just turned now to anger.

I am so confused. He is so angry when we talk and I am unsure if this is because of the bombardment. Should I give him no contact and space?. For the past 4 months since we broke up and the 2 months since I moved out, we have been in contact and he has known I have wanted him back.

What is my best plan of attack to get him back.

You need to cut it off with him. He's too unstable. He also lacks sound judgment. He also changes his mind and goes hot and cold on you. Why would you want to be with a guy like that?

Don't attack back. End it diplomatically. Tell him it's over and it's time to go your separate ways. Request that he not contact you anymore. If he refuses to comply, then it is time to ghost, block and delete him - - since you gave him fair warning already. (Sever ties including social media, too.)

You need to move on with a fresh start.

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? What he does after the breakup is something you need to distance yourself from. He can date and post pictures of whoever he wants and so can you because it's over.

Sadly it sounds like he did not want to marry and used whatever he could to pull the plug. You need leave him alone before he gets a restraining order. You need to delete and block him from social media and messaging apps.

Some support from friends and family would help and therapy could also help you sort some things out.

we mutually decided to break up.

He has bought me out of our house

I have moved on

I have constantly bombarded him with texts since our break up, constantly.

I just haven't left him alone and constantly sent him message after message which have been hurtful and emotional.

I accused him of being with people I know, and said some not nice things.

4 months since we broke up and the 2 months since I moved out

When a couple breaks up at the risk of losing each other forever, one or both don't care enough. If they did, they would work on problems together. On again, off again relationships very rarely work, because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. When the lovey dove newness wears off, and the difficult times rear their ugly heads again, which they will because nothing has changed, it's most likely one or both of you will bail again.

Neither of you have attended therapy to learn to communicate effectively as a couple. Neither of you have read books on couples communication. Those things would have happened if you both really loved each other, because people who care try everything in their power to fix things before throwing in the towel.

You can't go through the needed steps of mourning and healing without closure, which you won't get until you totally end all contact with him. Once that happens, it will probably take at least 4 to 6 months to stop thinking of him daily, but trust that you will. Take care.

You need to go no contact. Now! This is long over. Stop torturing yourself with this. it is time to heal.

Block and delete on everything. He is not coming back, and I find his behavior selfish and cruel.

I think the relationship as it waa is over. I'm sorry. it's very painful to lose a love and your dad. I'm sorry for your loss.

but! I can say, you don't know what the future holds. if you two did have a foundation and this whole mess just snow balled, as hurt feelings and anger tend to do out of many sources, you could find in the FUTURE your paths cross again.

You mention a lot of angry messages you sent and he is very angry at you.... this is what I would do...

stop contacting him. stop engaging when or if he contacts you. let the situation cool down. let him be mad. And you, start journaling or working out to workout ( pun intended) your own feelings.

once you get out of this panic mode in your head, where you "have to" get him back, you will be thinking more clearly.

And you could tell him that you're sorry for all the messages etc and that you see you are both hurting each other which is not what you want for him or yourself. and then let it go for a bit....

not everything needs to be discussed or addressed everyday ad nauseam. one day at a time...

things are not good and you're getting no where right now. just stop. go be with other people in your life and try to enjoy yourself.

you being in a tizzy and he's all mad. why? get away from each other and stop asking what it all means and analyzing crazy comments made in anger about your future kids and stuff...

Maybe you're better off

Please remove yourself from this ongoing pain. Don't call, text, email. Nothing. Forget about social media. Try to live your life. Don't let him decide of a future of your relationship. Why would he have such power ? He may add you to social media ? Really ?

Please be better than this and distance yourself.

I can relate to this slightly....my dad is gravely ill. I was very stressed about it and difficult to be around. My boyfriend broke up with me.

Couldn't believe I can take so much pain at once. But I did. I said I respected his decision and went in no contact straight away.

It helps to see clearer. Please try.

Anyways, it's never black and white. Depending on who you are, what you want and hope for is up to you to either try again, or move on. He's seen a side of you that scared him by you pushing him away.... but he still loves and cares about you. That's why I say he is so torn and flip flopping in his messages. Best thing to do is just take a break from him and focus on healing. I suggest you seek counseling for your grief and look into your anger issues. It just might be the thing to get back on track to revisit the idea of working things out with him. You had 5 years together and were planning to spend the rest of your lives together, I don't think that should be thrown away.

I think you should tell him (in a conversation, not in a text/email) that you have decided to stop messaging him and to leave him alone; that you realize it is not your business now to tell him who he can and can't kiss, and what he can and can't post on social media; that you are going to unfriend/unfollow him because after 5 years together you don't want to see it; and you would like him to do the same.

Finally, you should tell him that maybe a few months down the track, when things have calmed down, you can both re-assess this, but in the meantime, it's best to stay out of contact. I say this because at the moment your continuing attention, and its content/style, is presenting a very bad side of you which is pushing him away. Men (usually) don't like drama.

If you give him the chance to miss you, and the chance to think back over the good times (fading affect bias), while you go to the gym, and get fit and look healthy etc, then maybe in 6 months you'll have a chance.

Hopefully though, you will meet someone better anyway.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

Please don't do anything. Take your things (mentally) and face another way, head down the road in the opposite direction mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You've said too much. Too too much. Too many texts in what you term yourself as "bombardment". He can deal with his anger on his own, as he should. It's a phase in a break up that most adults learn to work through on their own. It's not on you.

Put a big fat cork in the worrying phase and the getting him back idea. This is not going to work. Every time you respond to him or bother him with texts, letters, I love yous or hey, remember mes, you're just giving someone the message that they can walk all over you and you are ok with it. He understands generally what your whole MO is. You love him a great deal and miss him. Ok, that's it. He doesn't need to know the whole lock, stock and barrel of it. It's draining and unnecessary to anyone. He also shouldn't have free access to your thoughts and feelings. You are not friends.

I'd encourage more appropriateness in your interactions as exes and stop with the friendship idea or the idea of some plan of attack. No more attacks. No more plans of attack. The only plan you should be focusing on right now is doing you and getting back in touch with yourself for all that lost time pining after a guy who's run for the hills. He's showed you his true colours and he is very much entitled to making his own choices. Don't meddle and don't try and convince him to stay with you. Let him go.

And the OP never came back ... I sincerely hope the OP is not paying money to some internet get-ex-back charlatan for bad advice.