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Thread: Iím changing, but itís to late.

  1. #21
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    Dec 2019
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    This week has been soooo good. Especially yesterday. Iíve thrown myself into work doing more overtime , getting up earlier and working later into the night. Yesterday I was active on dating apps matching people and talking. It felt really good and I was barely thinking of her. Woke up this morning and wasnít checking my phone to see when she was online. GO ME!

    Well, she phoned this morning and itís set me back. Sheíd phoned multiple times this week. Video chats with my daughter etcetera. Iíve been calm, keeping it about my daughter and just felt so much happier. Sheís even phoned and Iíve forgot to get back to her. Thatís no like me! But this morning she phoned as I was brushing my teeth and just wanted to tell me about our child at nursery on the drop off. It was cute what she said. Anyway, we were sorting logistics out and she stated how her mum was flapping because I hadnít got back to her about having Wednesday off, as she normally picks her up because my ex works late but couldnít this week. My ex said I stuck up for you, and said ďbut can you fault himĒ
    Sheís got a point, and I always knew sheíd fight my corner. Iím literally a really good father and I have my child consistently as well as pay maintenance (not bragging, this is NORMAL. Healthy behaviour and anything less is uncalled for) but it has been tough for me this last year watching my family move on from me and some other guy come into their lifeís. I lost everything and fully deserved too. Anyway she told me I never loved her. Of course I did I said. It didnít get heated but I lost my cool and was about to become too emotional and I just stopped the convo there.

    All the way to work I was flustered again, kicking myself I lost some of the self control I had been building. She still makes me emotional and I think that is normal.

    Starting again from now. And of course I loved you ya sausage. I always will.

  2. #22
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    Iíve kinda had a productive weekend, ever though we never left the house. The wether has been dreadful, so weíve been doing fun activities inside.

    Friday I had the night off. First for a really long time. M (my ex) said she would have her overnight Friday because Iíve helped out a lot on her with our girl. Shoulda gone out right? ING TONSILLITIS! Completely wiped me out. Strange how M said she had it on Friday when we had our conversation. She sounded poorly. Anyway, we spoke for a while on my way home from work. General chit chat and a few jokes. The phone cut off so I didnít ring back.
    I got home and plated up my food that had been cooking in the slow cooker, sat down to eat and she called back asking if I could get P (our daughter.) AWKWARD. I was actually eating my tea. It was only a request to pick her up from nursery and take her home. I obliged.

    M was still in bed when I got round with P. She looked poorly I really felt for her. Stayed for a little while and helped with my daughter requests...sheís EXTREMELY demanding LOL. Before I left I hugged M and gave her a big kiss on the forehead. I miss doing that.

    Friday was chill for me... I woke up sweating Saturday morning due to the infection.
    I went to pick P up for Mís house. She had took the day off as she wasnít feeling well. I stayed for a while even though her boyfriend was there. We had a brew and exchanged some words. Normally that would my day up big time. But it didnít. I left with P and went home and baked and cooked lovely food. Guess itís acceptance?

    I had a coaching call on Saturday night with a YouTube coach I had been following.
    Heís one of the good ones. I was super nervous and it was strange hearing his voice speaking to me rather that millions of others. Anyway, I told him my story. Went on for about half an hour whilst he ďtook notesĒ.

    He said Iím going to be honest with you, sheís probably never coming back. SHOCKER HAHA. I knew my chances were slim to none so it didnít bother me, nothing new learned there. My past with her is ed up he said. TRUE DAT.
    He did say I was doing everyone right. I canít really explain to people who havenít met me, but I was extremely angry before. Now Iíve relaxed more since my breakup, everythingís going good. Iím changing and Iím noticing and so are others.

    OF COURSE I still love her and miss her. But Iím okay with things now. Like, what will be will be?
    He said keep light flirting with her, and be happy and positive. I asked why she would always call me on her days off, or alone time without him and use my daughter as a indirect direct approach to talk. He said ďshe hasnít fully let goĒ.

    Dayummmm. I kinda new but itís nice to hear from a ďbehavioural analystĒ

    I guess she hasnít. Maybe I have more than her now, but itís been the loneliness driving me to despair? She does have someone to take from after all, so she would hurt less. If she didnít have him she would call me all the time. I might have even gotten an opportunity from that but I guess it wouldnít be right. My changes are legit though.

    I feel in a good position tbh. All this time Iím hurting, and been feeling like Iím forgotten. How silly of me. You donít forget 8 years.

    I donít think she will be back ever really. Iíll have a better shot when sheís single, but I may not care then. I already donít care as much as before. But I care for her more than before, if that makes sense? I just know that Iím giving it my best chance and itís no skin from my nose because Iím evolving regardless.

  3. #23
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    Dec 2019
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    Itís a strange old time with this virus kicking about. Nurseryís are closing from Friday now In the UK, which means time off work between me and my daughters mother. Iíve also been given my notice to leave my house as itís being sold and Iím only a tennant. What a time eh!

    My thoughts though are with my ex. And our little family. Sheís panicking about things and I just wish I was there instead of someone else. To protect and re assure her. Things would be easier financially of course also.

    She cares about me, but I hate Iím not her number one anymore. I thought Iíd be that forever. Her boyfriend is doing his best for then as she is really struggling with bills, and they donít yet live together. Heís also watching my daughter while sheís working late. I appreciate that but god it still hurts!

    What Iíd give to be the centre of her world again because in many ways sheís still mine. I should be there with them both.
    We are working well as a team and itís pleasant. I wonder if it would be better for my selfish wants if we were at each others throats all the time. At least itís some emotion, right?

    Anyway, coronavirus...I wonder if Iíll be made redundant. Itís mental how quick that has escalated here. Iíve heard about lockdowns coming in, maybe in the next few days. Iím not worried about getting sick, Iím worried about the aftermath of it all.

    I hope everyone is well and staying safe.

  4. #24
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    So how do I feel today?
    Iíve honestly never been so down. Iím to comfortable doing nothing atm.
    Contact with my ex is at zero now. Initiated by me and sheís respected my decision which Iím grateful for. I donít want to speak with her, but I do miss her. It will be 3 weeks on Monday that I passed her a letter explaining how I felt for the last time. I didnít ask for her back. I donít want her back in all honesty when I really think about it because Iím not healthy atm. Iím worse than Iíve ever been right now. I have zero self esteem. I hate myself especially my physical appearance. I know I need to stop putting myself down and Iím trying to not do that.
    Iím heavily ashamed of my past self and my treatment of the woman I loved. But Iím not ashamed of how I feel now because I know it means I loved her so. My pain really shows that. Even if it took all these years to feel this way at least I know Iím not dead inside.

    I hope better days are coming, I canít wait to smile for no reason again.

  5.  

  6. #25
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    Dec 2017
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    Hope you feel better soon, it's horrible being really down. I'd say a lot of people are the same at the moment - being in quarantine can certainly exacerbate negative emotions.

    I've had a skim through your journal for the first time today and there's one thing that's stood out to me: you seem to place a lot more focus on your ex than you do on yourself. You've written so much about what your ex is up to, how you think she's getting on with her new partner etc etc but very little about what you're getting up to and positive steps you're taking with your life.

    The one exception to this that I could see was this:

    I want to improve my social life. Iíve distanced myself from friends and only really have my family around me, through my own choice.
    I want my body and appearance to improve. I used to be physically fit and strong and much more attractive than I am now.
    I want to continue a hobby I picked up on and off over a year ago - mixed martial arts. This will help towards the other 2 listed above.


    Maybe give yourself small goals in these areas - to reconnect with friends, training goals, nutrition goals etc etc - I find exercise and training to give me a huge lift in mood, as does checking in with people, seeing how they're getting on etc

  7. #26
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    Dec 2019
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    I miss her so much. I'm trying I really am. its passed the 1 year mark since I left and my sadness tells me that as much as my behaviour was unfair...I really did love her. do love her.

    I initiated this no contact, except for essentials about our daughter. But I honestly feel worse. I suspect this is heightened because of the government lock down.
    I question my decision sometimes. I don't get to see her smiley face anymore. or make her laugh or spend time with her. As much false hope as this gave me, I kind of miss it.
    lets say her current relationships ends in some years. we are both single... would she look at me more favourably if we had become great friends in that time?
    or more if she knew that I had disconnected from her, and she no longer had that relationship with me anymore
    how would she learn to trust me and fall in love with me again if our interactions are so neutral and scripted
    I know she enjoyed having me around, and it definitely stroked her ego as she knew that I wanted her back.

    I know she doesn't want to be with me. I know that. I also know that feelings change. what is the best possible environment for her feelings to grow for me, whilst also protecting my own?

    i know i speak only about her in this thread. I feel such a wimp for feeling like this. Its not easy to move on when you know what you have lost..

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