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I’m changing, but it’s to late.


lonewolf1991

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This weekend has been terrible. It’s been 8 months now. Feels like 8 years. I crave her touch and attention.

 

Why can’t I move forward?

Maybe it’s because we are still in contact. Having a daughter with this woman has haulted my healing so much. Some days I’m grateful to have her still in my life, anchored together by a beautiful little girl, and a strong bond formed over a largely toxic 8 year period.

 

I’m breadcrumbed by her. Though she would not call it that herself. She see’s a normal healthy coparent relationship. I see an emotionally attached man who can’t let go of this girl he betrayed and spent the biggest part of his life to date with.

 

Do I really love her?

Or am I feeling this way because I can’t have her. Because she fell in love with another man a few short months after our breakup. The feeling of defeat has definitely amplified my desire for her back.

I feel completely pushed out and replaced. I spend all my free time with my daughter. And I’ll be fighting forever to keep this strong bond I have with her, before I’m replaced in the new “happy family” scenario they seem to be playing.

 

I’m aware this is normal. People split, new partnerships are formed and kids are introduced to new step parent figures. Doesn’t make it hurt less. I am nowhere near ready to even date yet, never mind bring another person into my daughter life’s.

I fully deserved this.

 

She’s is 26, and I am 28. Our daughter 4.

Our relationship was destroyed by betrayal. I was a sporadic drug user. And over the years, drugs gave me sexual desires I never had when I was a teenager. I would lose my head, and do anything to get laid. Once she took me back, I subconsciously knew I could continue. We broke up, got back together in less than a week each time. And each time I promised a thousand promises. Never to keep any.

 

I know it’s over now. She held on till the very last minute. Until my presence disgusted her. The relief she felt when I left our home was huge. I felt it. She was happy, living life whilst I was building a new one. One I’ve since become stagnant in.

 

I remember the night someone was in our home. I knew something was up. She was being funny about me coming over, and waited at the door to hand over my daughters belongings. Running to the car to great us with this over compensating voice and manor.

“Is someone in the house?” I asked.

“No” she replied, “don’t be silly”

I asked her friend to swear on my daughters life. The look on her face said it all.

 

That’s when it all started. The same guy who was there that night will be there tonight. It’s the same guy she’s with. The same guy with a drug habit. He may not cheat, but I thought she wanted better. I had quit the drugs since I seen her at a local music event not long after I moved out. She asked me if I was high, I said no. She knew damn well. She looked disappointed. I was disappointed in myself.

Maybe that night confirmed things for her even more. Solidified her choice maybe.

Her friends were trying to convince me to not let her go, she’s amazing they said! “Look at that body”

As if it was my choice. She heard the conversation and sat with us. Asking me what her friend had been saying. Why didn’t I fight for her then? Maybe, just maybe I could have saved us!

But no, that wouldn’t have happened. I hadn’t learned enough. I’ve changed so much this year since that day.

 

That night was the last night I spent at her house. A close mutual friend of ours had some heartbreaking news. Causing a huge scene. I left with them back to my old home. She offered me to stay in bed with them. I declined. I spent about 2 hours that night convincing the mutual friend how amazing she was, and that she didn’t need the man who had let her down. The look on my ex’s face... she knew I was a good man. She still knows.

That night she came downstairs for a drink. Passing me on the couch before diving into me, holding me tightly. Completely naked. I wondered a lot about that. Maybe if I had pulled her to one side right then and looked her deep into her eyes the way I want to now, and told her how stupid I was and how perfect we were together.

 

Would that have changed things?

Again, no. Maybe it could have halted her diminishing feelings for me. But I would still be the same.

I’m grateful for the breakup. It taught me a lot.

 

You lose so much of yourself when you are coupled with Someone. We went from living with my parents, no responsibilities, to having a baby, jobs and and house and car within 9 month. I fell asleep on her. Asleep on us. I was never ready for any of it. I wish I had ended it before the bridge was so badly burned. Maybe we could have found each other again.

 

Right now, our relationship is good. But the time we spend together is not helping me move on.

 

Last Tuesday we took a spontaneous trip to town together to shop for our daughter. And later had a play date at her house. Her boyfriend will ring in these times and she is so open about me being there. Kinda wish she would lie. Make me feel like I was something she needed to hide. Like she’s doing something wrong. But her honesty speaks volumes for her. And volumes for her lack of romantic feelings for me now.

I flirt with her casually. She laughs and smiles. I know there is something there still. However small it may be. But she has tunnel vision in relationships. If she’s with you it’s only you. Her heart won’t let her feel for another.

 

I’m holding onto this friendship but I want nothing to do with it. I’ve been of the hope that if I’m there for her, i can show her I’ve changed. Show her how good we can be. It goes against everything they say about no contact. Make them miss you! How would distance make her miss me when I spent so many years being that way. It would only confirm what she’s learned about me thorough out our time together. And obviously by taking this route I get to see her. I love seeing her and making her smile. She’s struggling now. To pay bills as her job is much less payed than mine. Again, i offer help and she’s always declined. She wants to appear strong but I know she isn’t. I leave money when I go around. I slipped a note into her dressing gown last week as we smoked together outside. She didn’t decline. I want her to see I can support her. And regardless of my motives, I always will. It’s a promise I made and a promise I’ll keep whether we reconcile or not. I couldn’t keep promises before.

 

It’s my daughters play tomorrow at school. I’ve got the day off work, and I’ll attend with her mother. I’m tempted to chat afterwards, and tell her I can’t do this anymore. She’s get all the benefits of me being there, but her romantic and sexual needs are fulfilled by another man. The thing is, she will think, “can’t do what?” And downplay our whole relationship. Of course it’s platonic, I’m aware. But most ex’s don’t communicate like this. She leans on me through struggles and sometimes she’s approached me before her partner. As she doesn’t want to appear weak to him. She fears that once her weakness is exposed, he will on her like I did. Like a lot of people do. She’s got such a huge heart.

 

The trigger for this possible conversation and me ending our friendship till I’m healed came last week on the play date. I joked about how she lost me, it was back an fourth banter. She replied,

 

“I haven’t lost you though, I’ve still got you as a friend”

 

Am I deluded. I’m not sure anymore. This feels strange to me, but its my first breakup. What would someone on the outside looking in think..

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Woke up this morning, got my daughter ready for her Christmas play at nursery. Went to her mothers to pick some things up. I didn’t get out the car. Didn’t even look at her. I care for her immensely but I’m sticking to my guns here. Friends we can be, but spending time together will be no-more. I can’t move on because of this.

 

I noticed she changed her profile picture this morning to her and her friend. Not because I’m snooping, but the messenger on which she messaged me this morning shows this. Unusual.

The relationship status “single”

 

Of course I wondered why but it’s not my business.

She called to ask when I was picking her up because we had to be there for 10.15am

 

I got to the house, she’s only 2 minutes from me and about a minute from nursery.

 

I arrived and she looked distraught, said she was just having a cigarette.

I ignored her emotion, and was on my phone. Then, she broke down.

 

“Are you okay” I asked

“It’s happened again” she bawled.

 

Obviously I know what she means. He’s betrayed her. After 6 months.

 

I ran to her and squeezed her. I really felt for her. I asked her to quickly pull herself together or I think she should stay at home.

 

She declined. She’s ruthless like this. Always pushing on through heartache.

 

My daughters play was amazing! So proud of her. “My mummy and daddy’s here!” She shouted.

She’s so immensely proud of us and it melts my heart. The play lasted about 30 minutes, with Christmas songs and activities. We took pictures and videos, then spend 10 minutes at the end hugging her and letting her know how proud we was.

 

I took her mother home, no words were spoke. In the car. She did keep looking over at me in the play. I hope she see’s the man I am now.

 

Even if the impossible did happen. She wanted me back, it may only be because of heartbreak. She needs time alone. I hope she has the time to reflect on things. She made the right choice leaving me but I know we are meant to be. And I would never hurt her again. This year could have broke me, and would have broke a lot of men. But I’m still here, still breathing. And I’m ready to move on. I just need to cut this cord, but it didn’t seem the right time to talk.

 

Should she get back with him? I can’t say. I did the dirty, and I changed. Maybe he can to. But I know no matter what happens, I’m the better man. And our family is worth fighting for if that’s what she wanted.

 

But for now, time apart from conversations other then them about our daughter is definitely needed.

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Please only communicate in what is necessary for your daughter. I would consider, though, going to a mediator to stipulate that your daughter cannot be exposed to drugs/no sleepovers with boyfriends while she has your daughter.

 

i would say when she crosses the line, say "since you are not interested in a relationship and you have a boyfriend, i think its not appropriate to talk about anything but our daughter. I am not a shoulder to cry on."

 

I will say that also, the two most important things are your daughter and sobriety. keep up with both. Be an amazing dad to her.

 

And one other thought: If she is attracted to druggies, she may no longer be attracted to you when you are one year, two years, 5 years sober, your appearance changes to one of health and you are doing well in whatever you do for a living. you will meet a woman who does not waste her worth on drug abusers and it may be a healthier dynamic.

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She is by no way attracted to drug users. She hates drugs as she has a last with them that nearly ended her life. But she’s fallen for a guy who promised her the world and he happens to take them recreationally as I did. I know they won’t last. No relationship of hers or mine ever will because we belong together.

 

She is honestly a good person. I think she fell for someone when she was low. She’s never slept around and is always loyal. And introducing a man to my daughter was a massive step for her not taken lightly at all. She waited about 4 months and I respect that. Now that he’s betrayed her she will be kicking herself.

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Received a phone call this morning. I was working till 4am so I was going to ignore but you can’t do that when someone has you’re child.

 

She asked if I could pick our daughter up tomorrow from nursery and get her settled at her house, because she has to stay on later at work and won’t make the pick up time. I usually have her Friday till Monday. But I help during the week too when I can. I’m home tomorrow so it’s no problem. I agreed.

 

Why did she not Ask if I could have her overnight at my own home? We are 2 minutes apart. I’m wondering if she did it this way, so she would see me Thursday. I could be totally wrong. But apart of me feels there’s a reason...

 

Tbh, I’ve been thinking about her since Monday, when she broke down in tears. I wasn’t really there for her. I had a chance to go into the house that day, but I left. I think it was the right decision. I need to look after myself now.

 

It’s hard not to think about what may or may not occur tomorrow night now.

How hilarious would it be if she literally comes home and I leave, nothing said. I won’t lie, I’ll be a little hurt, but then it’s back to the plan which I’ve barely started. Not much progress will have been lost.

 

I’ve imagined kissing her. Lots of emotions involved and a really deep conversation. I’ve pictured myself saying “no” as the kissing got more intense. I want to be respectful and a gentleman now. I have changed so much I don’t even recognise myself sometimes.

 

The pride she would have to swallow would be immense to make a move on me. It’s like admitting she was wrong to leave. I would disagree straight away. Losing my family was the hardest but best thing that ever happened to me because without that, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

 

Regardless of tomorrow’s outcome, I still want to continue growing and I wouldn’t be giving all that time to someone else. I think thats a healthy thing to say. I will not be in another stifled relationship. Time spent together will be quality time no doubt, but I’ve got so much more to learn and a path I must still walk on my own. No one should abounded their own path, but build there’s along side someone else’s, crossing into one every now and then.

 

Reporting back tomorrow.

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We had a talk today. I upset her and that upset me.

I told her I smell a rat in him and as bitter as that makes me look, its true. I know what a rat smells like because I was one.

 

She asked me to leave the house at one point. I came across as cocky. “He will never be me” I said. She’s tired of hearing that.

She said she would always love me, and wants to be my friend. I said that’s not what I want. She also said we would never get back together.

She’s in a dark place and she blames me for it. For her arguments with her boyfriend and the spiralling of her mental health. I accept that and I’d do anything to take back my treatment of her within our relationship. I did things I can’t even imagine repeating on here yet.

I got very emotional, I said things I didn’t plan saying and some things I did. I also left out some things. But my emotion in the situation was true. She will never see me whilst he is shining so bright in her eyes and I told her this. But in time his light will diminish into darkness. And my hope for reconciliation will only depend on how she views me then. How bright I shine to her then.

I held her one last time after I told her I can’t continue being friendly with her. She agreed that our relationship is unhealthy. We have fun and spend some time together but it’s not healing me. I hope I’ve done enough in this time to help her see I mean all I say to her and will keep my promises. I know that I will because I want all the same things as she does. I fear for her wellbeing and feel entirely responsible for the way she handles her emotions now.

 

I am truly sorry my sweetheart. I wish you could see how I view you now.

 

At times I felt her really listening to me, Asking me to repeat certain things that I said. Almost as if I was getting through to her. I will never expect her trust to return enough for her to commit to me again but I know she still loves me. I explained to her that I am in her life forever and that for me is a blessing as-well as a curse. She will see me become the man she dreamed I would be and that is enough for me. Even if we won’t ever share a bed again and walk hand in hand down the road.

 

No one is a bigger critic to me than myself and I put that girl through hell.

I did say to her that I have to live with that forever, it’s a prison sentence for me. She said “you’ll find someone”

She wasn’t getting my point. I’m not worried about not finding someone. I know that she was the one for me. We were the ones for each other but I spoiled and toyed with a good heart and it will plague me forever. But yes, I will find someone and I will be happy.

 

I showed some weakness and that’s not what I wanted to do tonight. I would then act cocky and she said “why would I even want to be with someone who acts like that”

I said in response that I acted like that because I’ve showed weakness just before and want to appear strong again. At the time that just came out but when I thought about it, it’s the actual truth. Something else I learned about myself today.

 

This felt like a final goodbye for me. And tonight I watched a film which got my full attention for the first time since I left my family home 8 months ago.

 

I feel proud of myself. I’ve done all I can.

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Trashing her bf won't work. Stay out of her personal life. Focus on staying clean, employed and paying child support and being a good father.

 

Agree.

 

I’m going to be completely frank. When I read your last entry my main thought was that you love having power over her more than you love her. That’s the thing you seem to miss, are wanting her to validate. Your interest in yourself seems roughly ten times your interest in her and her humanity.

 

She’s fragile, but I think she recognizes that. Once upon a time she may have found your interest in yourself compelling, but she’s no longer so swayed by it. She’s more interested in the novel of her own life than being a character in your epic story of sin and salvation, angels and demons, darkness and light. For all the fragility you describe in her, that is a mark of growth and strength.

 

Hope that doesn’t sound too harsh. I’ve pounded my own chest plenty, and worn the robes of the Saddest, Baddest Man on the Planet—the robes you’re now wearing. There is a shelf life to it being cute, a limited pool in the types who will find it cute, and I’d look at this moment as a lesson in that.

 

Just be a good man in the world. Every reward your seeking will come from that path, it really will. You’ll thank yourself later, as will your child.

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I appreciate all the comments. I guess I’m not completely selfless towards her yet and that comes from being rejected and needing validation like some of you have said. I’m still learning.

 

I was kind of hoping the conversation had shown me in a good light more than bad, but I fear that wasn’t how she viewed me that final time. I think my emotion shows passion. I didn’t plan on getting upset, and I’m still learning about my emotions now.

 

I didn’t tell her to break up with him, god I’ve even given her advise on her problems in the relationship and I’ve never told her to leave and that he isn’t right for her. I do smell a rat and I stand by that this time. None of my business though and I never get involved. But she’s still my business when I see her upset because I have such a history with her and we are forever bonded with our child.

 

I hope I haven’t come across like to much of a jealous bitter ex. It’s not the case. It’s been a hard year and I’m tryna join 2020 with a new frame of mind. Hence me saying we shouldn’t spend anymore time together. I think that was another mature decision.

 

Thankyou

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Stop interfering in her personal business as yet another distraction from taking responsibility for things. If you started going to therapy and support groups the first thing they teach you is to be responsible for your actions, stop feeling sorry for yourself and not going from one destructive venture to the next...like pestering your ex and not replacing one bad habit, addiction or compulsion with other ones.

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Appreciate you’re input, but my bad habits are gone. They have been for the entirety of this year. And I pester no one. My ex initiates all contact with me outside of our daughter which I’ve explained. Ive kept distance as much as possible. I stayed out of her personal life and it’s been the case since the beginning. I’ve given my opinion on this situation that is all, simply because I seen her break down. Also I’ve taken responsibility for everything I’ve done since the beginning and hold no one but myself accountable for the situation I’m in now.

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Christmas has been blahhh. I haven’t seen friends, just family. Spent most of the time with my daughter. She’s been so happy and spoilt rotten from both sides.

 

I’ve taken her to her mums today for the week. I need a break and I have the week to myself. I’ll pick my daughter up Friday for the weekend.

 

I’m feeling so sad atm. Is this the no contact?

I’m not sure you can even call it that. Cause we talk about our child but it’s not been regular atm as there’s been nothing to say. I’m glad I’m cutting her out, I know it will help me move on. But it hurts.

 

She’s said last week “there’s no need to be so cold, I know we aren’t talking, but”

I’m not trying to be cold. Maybe it’s the transition to this no/low contact she can sense, which I spoke to her about so she knows what’s happening.

 

I just feel like I hate her right now. And she’s done nothing wrong. But I hate having any contact with her because it’s not the contact I truly desire. I want close physical intimate contact with her. I want to hold her so tightly.

 

She’s obviously back with her boyfriend. They didn’t really split, though her status is single on Facebook still. I visited christmas eve to get my daughter and they had 3 sets of Pyjamas lined up on the table. ing hate that! I feel so replaced it’s it’s the most haunting feeling.

 

The feelings of hate only come when I have to see her, then leave abruptly.

I’m not used to doing this, I used to hang around and I felt welcome to do so. But This wasn’t healing me and that’s why I’m stepping back because it’s the right choice.

 

Will this change the way she sees me?

I’m doing it either way, but I’d love for it to make her value me and believe in us again.

I wish I never had to see her in her new life. Playing happy families, it’s wrong! It really wasn’t supposed to be like this.

 

I hate that too. But Only because he’s standing where I should be stood. Not because he’s a bad guy. My girls should be with me.

 

I wish I could mend everything. Turn back the clock and take everything back apart from the lessons I’ve learned.

 

I thought to myself today as I left..what has he got I haven’t! I know that’s not the issue. The issue is we are over and they are just beginning, so everything’s cool, fresh, new and exciting.

 

I want to be happy for her and sometimes I am but other times I want her world to crumble so she may rebuild and find me in the rubble. I know that’s not healthy, I’m well aware.

 

I seen videos of my daughter Christmas evening at there Christmas party. I only look for this reason. They were round a friends house. In the background I could see her with him, sat close on the settee. He sits like he’s king. And tbh, she didn’t look happy. Now I can’t judge based on 1 or 2 videos, but she looked lost. Like something’s missing. I know it was probably hard for her too as it’s the first Christmas we aren’t a family. She’s also had a lot of family deaths in recent years around this time. That could be it. But I so want it to be because she’s unsure about him or her decision to leave me.

 

I’m writing this as soon as I got back from her house. I forgot something on the first trip, so I went back to pick it up from my house and when I returned I just walked in but she quickly greeted me in the porch. Looking at me as she took what I gave her. I know she’s worried because I could see him on the sofa talking to my daughter. And she knows I’ve been wanting to talk to him about what happened which I explained in my previous post.

She obviously didn’t want me to talk to him, she’s afraid of how it will go.

 

Maybe I should leave it, leave them and not interfere. It will always be my business because what upsets her will upset my daughter most of the time. She’s sees the upset in her mums face. I’m aware my actions have upset her over the years. I am my biggest critic and I have punished myself, and been punished and that’s why I’m alone today. But who does he answer too? No way am I letting him spoil my hard work. I work so hard to keep my princess happy and i don’t want any unhappiness in her life, and his actions may indirectly cause that.

 

Anyway I came home and just cried. This is what seeing her does to me. And even more so when he is also there. I just see what I’ve lost.

 

My family.

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What an amazing day!

 

I had a birthday party for my daughter at my house. She turned 4 today and it’s scary that she’s growing so quick.

I had around 10 people round and I made a real effort with the added help from my mum - she’s amazing btw. She couldn’t make it because of work commitments. Neither could her mum and I know she was gutted about that but I preferred it that way.

 

We had lots of food - hotdogs, sausage rolls, chicken wings, crisps, sweets, chocolate. Jelly & ice cream and angel delight. And obviously birthday cake which her mum had specially made and we have done that since her first birthday.

 

The kids painted and partied and run riot around the whole house and I’m shattered now. But she smiled the full day and that’s so precious to me.

 

My mood dropped towards the end of the evening and that’s because I knew her mother was coming. By the time she arrived everyone had left and I had cleaned up. I was uncomfortable in her presence for a while but I kept this well hidden. She was with a friend of hers whom lived with us both for a while and is an ex to my sibling. We all split up around the same time.

 

My mood changed after a while and I felt okay. I handed over some drawings my daughter did for her, her friend and her boyfriend. She seemed shocked I had written his name on one.

 

She senses my distancing now. But it’s done me the world of good. I was texting on my phone at one point and smiling, keep myself to myself as she played with our child. I caught her looking over. I’d felt her eyes on me. She looked to the ground straight away. She analyses me from a distance some times and I know this because I do the same with her. She would often drift off in group conversations and I would catch her looking sad. I know this year has been hard for us and she’s expressed how it felt different over the holidays when I had a one to one with her. But it’s been worse for me. She’s got all the support from a partner and yet she still doesn’t look truly happy all the time. I know she’s lost sometimes.

 

This does pick my mood up I won’t lie. I like that it seems like she feels some emotions towards me and the things I’m overcoming.

I know them eyes because I stared into them for 8 years. Her friends won’t notice the passing sadness that I see in her sometimes. But I do.

 

I’m not saying she isn’t happy but I know my presence has an effect on her from time to time and that makes me feel not so alone.

I feel she feels me moving forward and I hurts me less to know that it doesn’t mean nothing to her like I thought.

 

I seen pictures of her from her NYE drink with friends. On all the group photos she’s hand in hand with her gay best friend. One of them photos her boyfriend is next to her and she’s still clinging to her friend. She’s not as in love as she thinks and am not just assuming that from a photo.

 

I wish her, and all our friends and family all the best this year.

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Back to work tomorrow and just wanted to check in tonight whilst In bed waiting to go to sleep.

 

Began speaking with someone I rebounded with after my breakup. I say rebound because it was soon and I wasn’t ready for a connection like that but that isn’t the reason we aren’t seeing each other

She works abroad as a teacher so our time together was short lived. She’s been home for Christmas but we never met up. I didn’t contact her.

 

I had known this girl from childhood and fancied her when I was younger, a little.

We hooked up when I was fresh breakup. About 2 months in actually. I asked her out and we dated for a while. I liked how smart she was and we had a real good connection. I didn’t want her for sex and that was the truth. I enjoyed talking to her about things I could never speak to my ex about. My ex isn’t stupid but they are entirely different people.

We hit it off, even more so since 3rd or 4th date when we slept on together. Sex was good. I was comparing her to my ex at this time and though that was why I started to not want her affection, especially after sex.

 

But I learned tonight that I am carrying some scars from my breakup that will affect my ability to receive someone’s affection and love. I don’t desire that from anyone. I like conversation, and I like sex. I like cuddles and long deep talks but I don’t want them all from the same person because then it will mean something if that makes sense. That pushed me away from this girl. I felt her becoming attached to me even from across the globe and it was cringing me out. She asked me something via text tonight and I gave her a straight up answer which hurt her ego I think. But she was ok with it.

 

Just realised how honest I am now!

 

That’s 2 things I’ve learned tonight. I’m more honest now even if it hurts the other person, or my chances of getting what I’m amble to receive from them.

The other thing is that I didn’t not not want to emotionally pursue this girl because I was comparing her to my ex. They are both beautiful and interesting In their own ways. The reason was because I am a little stand off-ish towards romantic affection now when it actually means something or could mean something.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This year I really want to achieve some things!

My life has been stagnant for years. I mean, I’m pretty preoccupied with work and my child but...what’s for me? You sleep when you’re dead, right?

 

I still miss her. But it will be a year in April. That’s too long stewing over a potential reconciliation. It may seem impossible considering my past but I know we have something that will never go away. Granted...it will dwindle.

 

The plus point to being single is I have real time to achieve something’s for myself now. I’ve sat and thought over my full relationship from start to finish over that last year. The cheating killed the trust, but not the relationship. It was salvageable. The real killer was lack of proper communication and complacency. I was stuck in a rut for years. We learn how to treat people by how much they put up with. I never wanted to hurt or loose her though. I just got bored and so did she. The breakup was the right choice and I’m grateful to her. I simply didn’t have the balls to leave.

 

I KNOW she isn’t as happy as she could be. But her happiness scale is messed up because I set the bar so low. Obviously christmas was hard for us both and that brings some questions to the equation for even the dumper I think.

 

She’s settled. And she deserves more. More than I gave her and more than her new romance will. She’s got expectations he just won’t reach.

 

I know I can give her that now, and I’m ready for it but she may never be and I understand.

 

If my time comes again, I’ll be ready. 10 steps ahead and I will blow her mind with how Much I’ve altered in every area. My core was always good but there was much needed improvement. After all, she loved me for all my flaws...what will happen when the tree she’s currently residing in collapses?

 

She may see the forest in a new light.

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I want to improve my social life. I’ve distanced myself from friends and only really have my family around me, through my own choice.

 

I want my body and appearance to improve. I used to be physically fit and strong and much more attractive than I am now.

 

I want to continue a hobby I picked up on and off over a year ago - mixed martial arts. This will help towards the other 2 listed above.

 

Mostly I want to be happier.

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Weekends are the hardest. You’d think after a long working week, spending the weekend with my daughter would be the easy part...but it’s not. It’s like spending my weekend with a mini version of my ex.

 

I’m sure she has the same feelings when she’s alone with our daughter during the week but that’s a rarity as she’s normally with her friends and or her boyfriend too. But the calls I receive them days she’s alone I know she feels the same but they are becoming less.

 

I drove past her parents old house today and It just brought back so many memories of when we first started out. Silly things like smoking out of her bedroom window or in the shelter above her front door. Cooking dinner when her parents were out and washing up naked whilst she filmed me dancing and singing. I still have the video somewhere. In fact I still have all of our videos and pictures. I don’t visit them. Everything was good in those times. We had very little, no real jobs, money or responsibilities. But we were happy. Everything was good...the cuddles, the conversation and the sex! She used to blow me like 3 times per night! She was very inn experienced then. We both were. She did it to make me happy.

 

I remember her dad walked in on us once having sex! It was so awkward. I turned my head to face the door as he walked in. I was in top of her. He paused for what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably like 5 seconds. Still waaaaaay to long. We tried anal sex one night at her parents. If you’ve had anal sex you’ll know that its difficult to get it in but once it lines up it sort of sucks you in! She screamed and ran off into the bathroom. I felt guilt because I pressured her into trying this. Never forced though. It was clear it wasn’t for her. Though we did manage it one night years later, both drunk and she initiated it whilst mounting me, much to my surprise. Unfortunately I couldn’t finish because I was so wasted.

 

I remember smoking in the back yard and she would sit on my knee and we would talk about all sorts. This was around 6 years ago.

 

We never lived life to the full during these times, or any point of our time together in fact. But we were extremely happy. We could have done so much more throughout our time together.

 

I miss you.

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This week has been soooo good. Especially yesterday. I’ve thrown myself into work doing more overtime , getting up earlier and working later into the night. Yesterday I was active on dating apps matching people and talking. It felt really good and I was barely thinking of her. Woke up this morning and wasn’t checking my phone to see when she was online. GO ME!

 

Well, she phoned this morning and it’s set me back. She’d phoned multiple times this week. Video chats with my daughter etcetera. I’ve been calm, keeping it about my daughter and just felt so much happier. She’s even phoned and I’ve forgot to get back to her. That’s no like me! But this morning she phoned as I was brushing my teeth and just wanted to tell me about our child at nursery on the drop off. It was cute what she said. Anyway, we were sorting logistics out and she stated how her mum was flapping because I hadn’t got back to her about having Wednesday off, as she normally picks her up because my ex works late but couldn’t this week. My ex said I stuck up for you, and said “but can you fault him”

She’s got a point, and I always knew she’d fight my corner. I’m literally a really good father and I have my child consistently as well as pay maintenance (not bragging, this is NORMAL. Healthy behaviour and anything less is uncalled for) but it has been tough for me this last year watching my family move on from me and some other guy come into their life’s. I lost everything and fully deserved too. Anyway she told me I never loved her. Of course I did I said. It didn’t get heated but I lost my cool and was about to become too emotional and I just stopped the convo there.

 

All the way to work I was flustered again, kicking myself I lost some of the self control I had been building. She still makes me emotional and I think that is normal.

 

Starting again from now. And of course I loved you ya sausage. I always will.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’ve kinda had a productive weekend, ever though we never left the house. The wether has been dreadful, so we’ve been doing fun activities inside.

 

Friday I had the night off. First for a really long time. M (my ex) said she would have her overnight Friday because I’ve helped out a lot on her with our girl. Shoulda gone out right? ING TONSILLITIS! Completely wiped me out. Strange how M said she had it on Friday when we had our conversation. She sounded poorly. Anyway, we spoke for a while on my way home from work. General chit chat and a few jokes. The phone cut off so I didn’t ring back.

I got home and plated up my food that had been cooking in the slow cooker, sat down to eat and she called back asking if I could get P (our daughter.) AWKWARD. I was actually eating my tea. It was only a request to pick her up from nursery and take her home. I obliged.

 

M was still in bed when I got round with P. She looked poorly I really felt for her. Stayed for a little while and helped with my daughter requests...she’s EXTREMELY demanding LOL. Before I left I hugged M and gave her a big kiss on the forehead. I miss doing that.

 

Friday was chill for me... I woke up sweating Saturday morning due to the infection.

I went to pick P up for M’s house. She had took the day off as she wasn’t feeling well. I stayed for a while even though her boyfriend was there. We had a brew and exchanged some words. Normally that would my day up big time. But it didn’t. I left with P and went home and baked and cooked lovely food. Guess it’s acceptance?

 

I had a coaching call on Saturday night with a YouTube coach I had been following.

He’s one of the good ones. I was super nervous and it was strange hearing his voice speaking to me rather that millions of others. Anyway, I told him my story. Went on for about half an hour whilst he “took notes”.

 

He said I’m going to be honest with you, she’s probably never coming back. SHOCKER HAHA. I knew my chances were slim to none so it didn’t bother me, nothing new learned there. My past with her is ed up he said. TRUE DAT.

He did say I was doing everyone right. I can’t really explain to people who haven’t met me, but I was extremely angry before. Now I’ve relaxed more since my breakup, everything’s going good. I’m changing and I’m noticing and so are others.

 

OF COURSE I still love her and miss her. But I’m okay with things now. Like, what will be will be?

He said keep light flirting with her, and be happy and positive. I asked why she would always call me on her days off, or alone time without him and use my daughter as a indirect direct approach to talk. He said “she hasn’t fully let go”.

 

Dayummmm. I kinda new but it’s nice to hear from a “behavioural analyst”

 

I guess she hasn’t. Maybe I have more than her now, but it’s been the loneliness driving me to despair? She does have someone to take from after all, so she would hurt less. If she didn’t have him she would call me all the time. I might have even gotten an opportunity from that but I guess it wouldn’t be right. My changes are legit though.

 

I feel in a good position tbh. All this time I’m hurting, and been feeling like I’m forgotten. How silly of me. You don’t forget 8 years.

 

I don’t think she will be back ever really. I’ll have a better shot when she’s single, but I may not care then. I already don’t care as much as before. But I care for her more than before, if that makes sense? I just know that I’m giving it my best chance and it’s no skin from my nose because I’m evolving regardless.

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  • 1 month later...

It’s a strange old time with this virus kicking about. Nursery’s are closing from Friday now In the UK, which means time off work between me and my daughters mother. I’ve also been given my notice to leave my house as it’s being sold and I’m only a tennant. What a time eh!

 

My thoughts though are with my ex. And our little family. She’s panicking about things and I just wish I was there instead of someone else. To protect and re assure her. Things would be easier financially of course also.

 

She cares about me, but I hate I’m not her number one anymore. I thought I’d be that forever. Her boyfriend is doing his best for then as she is really struggling with bills, and they don’t yet live together. He’s also watching my daughter while she’s working late. I appreciate that but god it still hurts!

 

What I’d give to be the centre of her world again because in many ways she’s still mine. I should be there with them both.

We are working well as a team and it’s pleasant. I wonder if it would be better for my selfish wants if we were at each others throats all the time. At least it’s some emotion, right?

 

Anyway, coronavirus...I wonder if I’ll be made redundant. It’s mental how quick that has escalated here. I’ve heard about lockdowns coming in, maybe in the next few days. I’m not worried about getting sick, I’m worried about the aftermath of it all.

 

I hope everyone is well and staying safe.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So how do I feel today?

I’ve honestly never been so down. I’m to comfortable doing nothing atm.

Contact with my ex is at zero now. Initiated by me and she’s respected my decision which I’m grateful for. I don’t want to speak with her, but I do miss her. It will be 3 weeks on Monday that I passed her a letter explaining how I felt for the last time. I didn’t ask for her back. I don’t want her back in all honesty when I really think about it because I’m not healthy atm. I’m worse than I’ve ever been right now. I have zero self esteem. I hate myself especially my physical appearance. I know I need to stop putting myself down and I’m trying to not do that.

I’m heavily ashamed of my past self and my treatment of the woman I loved. But I’m not ashamed of how I feel now because I know it means I loved her so. My pain really shows that. Even if it took all these years to feel this way at least I know I’m not dead inside.

 

I hope better days are coming, I can’t wait to smile for no reason again.

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Hope you feel better soon, it's horrible being really down. I'd say a lot of people are the same at the moment - being in quarantine can certainly exacerbate negative emotions.

 

I've had a skim through your journal for the first time today and there's one thing that's stood out to me: you seem to place a lot more focus on your ex than you do on yourself. You've written so much about what your ex is up to, how you think she's getting on with her new partner etc etc but very little about what you're getting up to and positive steps you're taking with your life.

 

The one exception to this that I could see was this:

 

I want to improve my social life. I’ve distanced myself from friends and only really have my family around me, through my own choice.

I want my body and appearance to improve. I used to be physically fit and strong and much more attractive than I am now.

I want to continue a hobby I picked up on and off over a year ago - mixed martial arts. This will help towards the other 2 listed above.

 

Maybe give yourself small goals in these areas - to reconnect with friends, training goals, nutrition goals etc etc - I find exercise and training to give me a huge lift in mood, as does checking in with people, seeing how they're getting on etc

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