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Thread: Iím changing, but itís to late.

  1. #11
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    I appreciate all the comments. I guess Iím not completely selfless towards her yet and that comes from being rejected and needing validation like some of you have said. Iím still learning.

    I was kind of hoping the conversation had shown me in a good light more than bad, but I fear that wasnít how she viewed me that final time. I think my emotion shows passion. I didnít plan on getting upset, and Iím still learning about my emotions now.

    I didnít tell her to break up with him, god Iíve even given her advise on her problems in the relationship and Iíve never told her to leave and that he isnít right for her. I do smell a rat and I stand by that this time. None of my business though and I never get involved. But sheís still my business when I see her upset because I have such a history with her and we are forever bonded with our child.

    I hope I havenít come across like to much of a jealous bitter ex. Itís not the case. Itís been a hard year and Iím tryna join 2020 with a new frame of mind. Hence me saying we shouldnít spend anymore time together. I think that was another mature decision.

    Thankyou

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop interfering in her personal business as yet another distraction from taking responsibility for things. If you started going to therapy and support groups the first thing they teach you is to be responsible for your actions, stop feeling sorry for yourself and not going from one destructive venture to the next...like pestering your ex and not replacing one bad habit, addiction or compulsion with other ones.

  3. #13
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    Appreciate youíre input, but my bad habits are gone. They have been for the entirety of this year. And I pester no one. My ex initiates all contact with me outside of our daughter which Iíve explained. Ive kept distance as much as possible. I stayed out of her personal life and itís been the case since the beginning. Iíve given my opinion on this situation that is all, simply because I seen her break down. Also Iíve taken responsibility for everything Iíve done since the beginning and hold no one but myself accountable for the situation Iím in now.

  4. #14
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    Christmas has been blahhh. I havenít seen friends, just family. Spent most of the time with my daughter. Sheís been so happy and spoilt rotten from both sides.

    Iíve taken her to her mums today for the week. I need a break and I have the week to myself. Iíll pick my daughter up Friday for the weekend.

    Iím feeling so sad atm. Is this the no contact?
    Iím not sure you can even call it that. Cause we talk about our child but itís not been regular atm as thereís been nothing to say. Iím glad Iím cutting her out, I know it will help me move on. But it hurts.

    Sheís said last week ďthereís no need to be so cold, I know we arenít talking, butĒ
    Iím not trying to be cold. Maybe itís the transition to this no/low contact she can sense, which I spoke to her about so she knows whatís happening.

    I just feel like I hate her right now. And sheís done nothing wrong. But I hate having any contact with her because itís not the contact I truly desire. I want close physical intimate contact with her. I want to hold her so tightly.

    Sheís obviously back with her boyfriend. They didnít really split, though her status is single on Facebook still. I visited christmas eve to get my daughter and they had 3 sets of Pyjamas lined up on the table. ing hate that! I feel so replaced itís itís the most haunting feeling.

    The feelings of hate only come when I have to see her, then leave abruptly.
    Iím not used to doing this, I used to hang around and I felt welcome to do so. But This wasnít healing me and thatís why Iím stepping back because itís the right choice.

    Will this change the way she sees me?
    Iím doing it either way, but Iíd love for it to make her value me and believe in us again.
    I wish I never had to see her in her new life. Playing happy families, itís wrong! It really wasnít supposed to be like this.

    I hate that too. But Only because heís standing where I should be stood. Not because heís a bad guy. My girls should be with me.

    I wish I could mend everything. Turn back the clock and take everything back apart from the lessons Iíve learned.

    I thought to myself today as I left..what has he got I havenít! I know thatís not the issue. The issue is we are over and they are just beginning, so everythingís cool, fresh, new and exciting.

    I want to be happy for her and sometimes I am but other times I want her world to crumble so she may rebuild and find me in the rubble. I know thatís not healthy, Iím well aware.

    I seen videos of my daughter Christmas evening at there Christmas party. I only look for this reason. They were round a friends house. In the background I could see her with him, sat close on the settee. He sits like heís king. And tbh, she didnít look happy. Now I canít judge based on 1 or 2 videos, but she looked lost. Like somethingís missing. I know it was probably hard for her too as itís the first Christmas we arenít a family. Sheís also had a lot of family deaths in recent years around this time. That could be it. But I so want it to be because sheís unsure about him or her decision to leave me.

    Iím writing this as soon as I got back from her house. I forgot something on the first trip, so I went back to pick it up from my house and when I returned I just walked in but she quickly greeted me in the porch. Looking at me as she took what I gave her. I know sheís worried because I could see him on the sofa talking to my daughter. And she knows Iíve been wanting to talk to him about what happened which I explained in my previous post.
    She obviously didnít want me to talk to him, sheís afraid of how it will go.

    Maybe I should leave it, leave them and not interfere. It will always be my business because what upsets her will upset my daughter most of the time. Sheís sees the upset in her mums face. Iím aware my actions have upset her over the years. I am my biggest critic and I have punished myself, and been punished and thatís why Iím alone today. But who does he answer too? No way am I letting him spoil my hard work. I work so hard to keep my princess happy and i donít want any unhappiness in her life, and his actions may indirectly cause that.

    Anyway I came home and just cried. This is what seeing her does to me. And even more so when he is also there. I just see what Iíve lost.

    My family.

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  6. #15
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    What an amazing day!

    I had a birthday party for my daughter at my house. She turned 4 today and itís scary that sheís growing so quick.
    I had around 10 people round and I made a real effort with the added help from my mum - sheís amazing btw. She couldnít make it because of work commitments. Neither could her mum and I know she was gutted about that but I preferred it that way.

    We had lots of food - hotdogs, sausage rolls, chicken wings, crisps, sweets, chocolate. Jelly & ice cream and angel delight. And obviously birthday cake which her mum had specially made and we have done that since her first birthday.

    The kids painted and partied and run riot around the whole house and Iím shattered now. But she smiled the full day and thatís so precious to me.

    My mood dropped towards the end of the evening and thatís because I knew her mother was coming. By the time she arrived everyone had left and I had cleaned up. I was uncomfortable in her presence for a while but I kept this well hidden. She was with a friend of hers whom lived with us both for a while and is an ex to my sibling. We all split up around the same time.

    My mood changed after a while and I felt okay. I handed over some drawings my daughter did for her, her friend and her boyfriend. She seemed shocked I had written his name on one.

    She senses my distancing now. But itís done me the world of good. I was texting on my phone at one point and smiling, keep myself to myself as she played with our child. I caught her looking over. Iíd felt her eyes on me. She looked to the ground straight away. She analyses me from a distance some times and I know this because I do the same with her. She would often drift off in group conversations and I would catch her looking sad. I know this year has been hard for us and sheís expressed how it felt different over the holidays when I had a one to one with her. But itís been worse for me. Sheís got all the support from a partner and yet she still doesnít look truly happy all the time. I know sheís lost sometimes.

    This does pick my mood up I wonít lie. I like that it seems like she feels some emotions towards me and the things Iím overcoming.
    I know them eyes because I stared into them for 8 years. Her friends wonít notice the passing sadness that I see in her sometimes. But I do.

    Iím not saying she isnít happy but I know my presence has an effect on her from time to time and that makes me feel not so alone.
    I feel she feels me moving forward and I hurts me less to know that it doesnít mean nothing to her like I thought.

    I seen pictures of her from her NYE drink with friends. On all the group photos sheís hand in hand with her gay best friend. One of them photos her boyfriend is next to her and sheís still clinging to her friend. Sheís not as in love as she thinks and am not just assuming that from a photo.

    I wish her, and all our friends and family all the best this year.

  7. #16
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    Back to work tomorrow and just wanted to check in tonight whilst In bed waiting to go to sleep.

    Began speaking with someone I rebounded with after my breakup. I say rebound because it was soon and I wasnít ready for a connection like that but that isnít the reason we arenít seeing each other
    She works abroad as a teacher so our time together was short lived. Sheís been home for Christmas but we never met up. I didnít contact her.

    I had known this girl from childhood and fancied her when I was younger, a little.
    We hooked up when I was fresh breakup. About 2 months in actually. I asked her out and we dated for a while. I liked how smart she was and we had a real good connection. I didnít want her for sex and that was the truth. I enjoyed talking to her about things I could never speak to my ex about. My ex isnít stupid but they are entirely different people.
    We hit it off, even more so since 3rd or 4th date when we slept on together. Sex was good. I was comparing her to my ex at this time and though that was why I started to not want her affection, especially after sex.

    But I learned tonight that I am carrying some scars from my breakup that will affect my ability to receive someoneís affection and love. I donít desire that from anyone. I like conversation, and I like sex. I like cuddles and long deep talks but I donít want them all from the same person because then it will mean something if that makes sense. That pushed me away from this girl. I felt her becoming attached to me even from across the globe and it was cringing me out. She asked me something via text tonight and I gave her a straight up answer which hurt her ego I think. But she was ok with it.

    Just realised how honest I am now!

    Thatís 2 things Iíve learned tonight. Iím more honest now even if it hurts the other person, or my chances of getting what Iím amble to receive from them.
    The other thing is that I didnít not not want to emotionally pursue this girl because I was comparing her to my ex. They are both beautiful and interesting In their own ways. The reason was because I am a little stand off-ish towards romantic affection now when it actually means something or could mean something.

  8. #17
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    This year I really want to achieve some things!
    My life has been stagnant for years. I mean, Iím pretty preoccupied with work and my child but...whatís for me? You sleep when youíre dead, right?

    I still miss her. But it will be a year in April. Thatís too long stewing over a potential reconciliation. It may seem impossible considering my past but I know we have something that will never go away. Granted...it will dwindle.

    The plus point to being single is I have real time to achieve somethingís for myself now. Iíve sat and thought over my full relationship from start to finish over that last year. The cheating killed the trust, but not the relationship. It was salvageable. The real killer was lack of proper communication and complacency. I was stuck in a rut for years. We learn how to treat people by how much they put up with. I never wanted to hurt or loose her though. I just got bored and so did she. The breakup was the right choice and Iím grateful to her. I simply didnít have the balls to leave.

    I KNOW she isnít as happy as she could be. But her happiness scale is messed up because I set the bar so low. Obviously christmas was hard for us both and that brings some questions to the equation for even the dumper I think.

    Sheís settled. And she deserves more. More than I gave her and more than her new romance will. Sheís got expectations he just wonít reach.

    I know I can give her that now, and Iím ready for it but she may never be and I understand.

    If my time comes again, Iíll be ready. 10 steps ahead and I will blow her mind with how Much Iíve altered in every area. My core was always good but there was much needed improvement. After all, she loved me for all my flaws...what will happen when the tree sheís currently residing in collapses?

    She may see the forest in a new light.

  9. #18
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    So what do you want to achieve for yourself?

  10. #19
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    I want to improve my social life. Iíve distanced myself from friends and only really have my family around me, through my own choice.

    I want my body and appearance to improve. I used to be physically fit and strong and much more attractive than I am now.

    I want to continue a hobby I picked up on and off over a year ago - mixed martial arts. This will help towards the other 2 listed above.

    Mostly I want to be happier.

  11. #20
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    Weekends are the hardest. Youíd think after a long working week, spending the weekend with my daughter would be the easy part...but itís not. Itís like spending my weekend with a mini version of my ex.

    Iím sure she has the same feelings when sheís alone with our daughter during the week but thatís a rarity as sheís normally with her friends and or her boyfriend too. But the calls I receive them days sheís alone I know she feels the same but they are becoming less.

    I drove past her parents old house today and It just brought back so many memories of when we first started out. Silly things like smoking out of her bedroom window or in the shelter above her front door. Cooking dinner when her parents were out and washing up naked whilst she filmed me dancing and singing. I still have the video somewhere. In fact I still have all of our videos and pictures. I donít visit them. Everything was good in those times. We had very little, no real jobs, money or responsibilities. But we were happy. Everything was good...the cuddles, the conversation and the sex! She used to blow me like 3 times per night! She was very inn experienced then. We both were. She did it to make me happy.

    I remember her dad walked in on us once having sex! It was so awkward. I turned my head to face the door as he walked in. I was in top of her. He paused for what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably like 5 seconds. Still waaaaaay to long. We tried anal sex one night at her parents. If youíve had anal sex youíll know that its difficult to get it in but once it lines up it sort of sucks you in! She screamed and ran off into the bathroom. I felt guilt because I pressured her into trying this. Never forced though. It was clear it wasnít for her. Though we did manage it one night years later, both drunk and she initiated it whilst mounting me, much to my surprise. Unfortunately I couldnít finish because I was so wasted.

    I remember smoking in the back yard and she would sit on my knee and we would talk about all sorts. This was around 6 years ago.

    We never lived life to the full during these times, or any point of our time together in fact. But we were extremely happy. We could have done so much more throughout our time together.

    I miss you.

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