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Divorced, in something new but an ex is in touch ?


rocktop

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Hi people .

Excuse a post like this on just joining but l'd really appreciate any thoughts you might have.

 

l'm a guy, 50s, divorced round 7yrs back, a bit over 3yrs later l met someone that turned out to be the most mind blowing thing either of us had ever found , but it was only part time as it was also long distance the rest and after 18mth we excepted that we just couldn't work it out and parted.

 

l was single 12mths or so and tbh , neither of us thought we'd ever be with anyone else again after that nothing would live up to it buttttt, not looking or even intending to l did accidentally meet someone.

We talked about everything and l explained it was too soon for me but she was very patient and we took things slow.

lt was all very different to the ex gf , that was really mind blowing once in a lifetime stuff butttt, at the same time , still , we really had something . We got a long really well , anddd, we loved the same lifestyle which alone was near impossible and although different , it was really , really nice and over time we've built and grown and grown.

We've been together a bit over 12mths and just in the last few mths l've been thinking be damned we could really have a big future the way things are going , and things ex also started fading and well , never know,

 

Thennnn, 2 wks ago , l heard from ex gf. l don't believe it. l knew l should've just given it more time before, l really just didn't expect to somehow get involved again not in a long long while anyway if ever at all.

Thing is , ex's circumstances have changed now and the very things that were impossible before and why we split , are now doable.

l just don't know wth to do. l mean ex's and my , our dream , could be a reality , but l've since somehow also found this thing with gf now , it's totally different , but it's really really nice.

 

Ex knows l explained all , but she want to fly over and just meet up again and talk .

she's been the only thing holding me back with this new thing all this time and the only reason l just don't know sometimes if l can go on with it no matter what it is.

l've been thinking of seeing ex , if only for closure if nothing else, l've been thinking if it wasn't still there with us, it's over 2 yrs , that's possible then it could be a good thing l see her and that'll set me free and able to go on with my gf once and for all.

l mean we have talked a bit and we do feel totally different , little spats of the old us but mostly l've thought it's just been too long and whatever we were seems to be gone. but l don't know. There's all kinds of interference now.

 

And then there's my gf now, this just isn't me and l'm really hating the whole situation, but l'm not sure wth the right answer is.

But anyway , any thoughts would be well appreciated.

Thanks for making it this far.

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There might not be a clear cut path of what to do, but there are some things you are sure you should NOT do. Things like cheat, lie or make fear based choices.

 

Sometimes these situations take on a very urgent feeling nature, and we scramble & tumble into difficult situations? In my experience I’ve had the best luck with “problems of abundance” when I consciously chose to be grounded, relaxed and patient as the situation unfolded (as opposed to MAKING something happen right away under the self-imposed and mistaken idea that there was some sort of deadline.)

 

Good luck on your journey man, I’m sure some great advice and insight will pour into these comments for you...

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Nobody can tell you what to do. You know your own heart, which nobody else can. If you decide to stay with your gf, tell the ex you will have to cut contact as it's not ethical to stay in touch with her. If you decide to risk it all for an ex you dated long distance, end it with the present lady.

 

My only advice is that if you and the long distance lady close the distance, don't move in together right away, because it's too much, too soon. I'm assuming she'd be moving your way, so she should have her own place so that you two can date at a normal pace for a while. To go from zero contact to 24/7 contact will spell the end of the relationship.

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Thanks for that skeptic and l know exactly what your saying. l hate being here in this, l feel terrible about it for my gf , terrible for my ex , she's stayed true and waited and sorted her end out all this time. l feel terrible about everything.

And yeah , l do feel that urgent thing too. hate that as well.

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Thanks for that Andrina and yeah , l hear ya, we use to spend 2 and 3 week spats together , there was also one 3 mth stint together too.

luckily l guess, l can't think that far ahead that'd really do my head in . but if she flew over we'd have to spend at least some time together, l've told her there could be no sleeping together butttt, even to just see her is really messing me up guilt wise.

My gf away atm , she'll be gone 2mths , a working contract.

l sort of thought although l hate it really , but if l was to just see the ex and hopefully it puts this to bed once and for all.

God l dunno.

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It is not for 'closure". It's because you have an idealized nostalgic image from the past. Be honest with yourself first then everyone else involved. She may fly to you but then she flies back...to who? Did she recently get dumped/divorced?

l've been thinking of seeing ex , if only for closure if nothing else

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Nah , she's living alone , she was divorced same as me , 7yrs or so. After we split she saw someone for a few mths but she was too messed up and dropped it.

l am really trying to be 110% honest with myself in it all and to find the right path . But l'm afraid it's all pretty jumbled right now.

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but if she flew over we'd have to spend at least some time together, l've told her there could be no sleeping together butttt, even to just see her is really messing me up guilt wise.

My gf away atm , she'll be gone 2mths , a working contract.

l sort of thought although l hate it really , but if l was to just see the ex and hopefully it puts this to bed once and for all.

God l dunno.

 

If you mean that you'd meet with your ex over lunch while your gf is out of town, hell no. Even without sex, this is totally crossing relationship boundaries. If you wouldn't want a partner to do something like this, then you don't do it yourself. And would you really be that guilty conscience free to be able to meet up with an ex to see if she sparks your heart more than the current gf, but then decide to move ahead with your current gf, all the while pulling the wool over her eyes on this predicament that's been kept from her?

 

You've "talked a bit" which is already crossing boundaries. Some say don't make rash decisions, but one thing is for sure--you can't keep chatting with your ex behind your gf's back. Either tell her you two can't chat and you will be in contact when your head is clearer to give her a final decision, or cut her off for good and make a go of it with your current gf.

 

The fact that you're willing to lose the current gf forever means that either you're just not into her, or perhaps that you don't practice good relationship boundaries and speaking with exes makes you unable to fully bond with anyone else.

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What's with all the extra consonants?

 

If you want to meet with the ex, please be very transparent with your current girlfriend. Tell her you want to meet with the ex for "closure".

 

But first and foremost...be 100% honest with yourself. Does the thought of meeting with this ex give you that little thrill of excitement? If so, it's not "closure" you're seeking.

 

Again, be very transparent with the current girlfriend. Do not conceal a meeting with the ex from her.

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I would argue you've been emotionally cheating and are now gearing up to physically cheat. I certainly can't say who is the "better" option, but your current relationship certainly seems stable and has never broken off for any reason thus far.

 

There are a lot of posts on here from people in similar situations. What I've noticed over the years is they never seem content with either choice, because they simply don't know how to be in a committed relationship. The ex-girlfriend sounds like idealized fantasy to me and the reality will probably leave you longing for your current woman. Make a choice and then decide to go all in. Otherwise, you're just a flip-flopper that will always excuse your less-than-committed behavior by painting yourself as a victim of circumstances.

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Ex knows l explained all , but she want to fly over and just meet up again and talk .
Does that mean she is still long distance?

 

What's changed that makes HER think a relationship with you is now doable

 

FWIW: According to the brief history you've given us in your thread, you seem to fall in love (or at least think you have) far too easily. Are you basing your connections on how good the sex is? Not asking in malice, just trying to see if you actually have a deeper chemistry (other than physically) with the woman you feel is the bees knees.

 

I feel sorry for the new woman that you would even consider meeting up with this woman that is "willing" to fly from wherever to try and win you over rather then just telling you to contact her if you've ever broken up with the current chica.

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Don't let an ex, from long distance, ruin your current stable relationship.

 

Ask that ex if, theoretically, you were to get together, would she move to your locale?

 

She may say, don't know, or just no, or say that was not her intention.

 

If so, tell her no thanks and cut contact. It's a no-brainer.

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How long ago did you split with the ex? The problem is, when you have been away too long, the love often dies. If you try to get back together again with your ex, you may find out the feelings just aren't there anymore..........and in the process, you may lose the current girlfriend. So, while you think you might have two options today, tomorrow you might have zero.

 

It's not like you see in the movies. You get one chance at love per person.

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I recall a situation in my life. One of my ex, received a letter from his ex. She was based in another country.

Ever since that day he changed. His mind was preoccupied. I found out about the letter cause I seen it he left on the kitchen table.

He started to pick fights with me so I would get fed up and end things with him. I did.

Things between them never worked out. He later wanted to get back to me. I didn't let him.

Be honest with your current gf.

If he would be honest with me and told me he just needs to see her, I would let it. On his return I would know if he would rather be with her or with me.

Things would unfold naturally after that. I would appreciate his honestly and he would appreciate my trust.

Think about it carefully.

Your current gf travels for 2 months. Don't use this as an opportunity to play relationship with your ex.

Be honest

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Just a reply to gary first of all , yeah , l know , and this could well happen. The may well just be nothing there anymore and so hence we'd both get closure , and we could finally both move on properly emotionally and with closure, well that's what l'm thinking. And that'd be a really good thing.

Because no it's not really idealizing , but we were what we were , we both know what we were loud and clear and that's what you remember and that's what makes it so hard to move on - but , maybe we just aren't even that anymore anyway.

It's been 2 yrs and a lots happened for us both separately , and you change over time even at this age , and things change. TBH , that's what l'd be expecting.

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l'll just try to cover the rest here.

But no actually , l don't fall in love easily at all , especially after a divorce , l never even expected to love again tbh and din't really care if l did or not before l met the ex gf . There were others around in between it wasn't that , l wasn't desperate or rebounding after marriage or anything else . l'm very , very, choosy actually and so nah, as l said l never expected anything again, and that's why l spent 3 and 1/2 yrs totally alone and l was pretty well resigned to living life out alone too actually by choice.

And as for some sexual thing , forget that , l need the whole deal not only to even have gotten involved again but it's just the way l am , l was even like that way back before marriage , 20s, always have been, never slept around.

 

On the ex gf yeah of course we've talked about what's changed and as l was saying the biggest things and reasons she couldn't move here before , have all changed now , and now she could, this is why she's been in touch. She's no more interested in even US , if it couldn't be real down the track , than l am , or in fantasy or in wasting more years, that's why we called it off because there was no light at the end of the tunnel at the time .

 

But yeah , spot on , l do not wanna risk losing gf now and what we have , for something that might not even be anymore , and l don't wanna hurt her , or do anything behind her back . And yeah , l could very easily lose both, if there even is a both .

So the thread , l've been that damn confused and just haven't known wth to do or how to handle it.

And l've wanted to tell my gf now everything, but she's had massive stresses this last few mths which l won't go into but they're big , it's very very big shyt , and she just sure doesn't need anymore nor could cope with anymore right now . lf she was in a better place l would've told her , but right now l'm sacred of it all just being too much for her right now and l don't want that.

So that's actually the main reason as much as l hate it and feel all kinds if sick over it all , l've thought if l can just clear all this up quietly without troubling her any further right now , maybe that'd be best given her situation right now.

 

However l don't know, and l hate what's going on .

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Do you think her finding out after the fact would be LESS stressful?

 

Yes, she will find out. One way or another. And then, double whammy. Meeting up with an ex (who it sounds like you didn't really want to break up with) AND you hiding it from her.

 

You don't think she can handle the truth? Try seeing how she handles a lie of omission.

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Tell her what? That you have a gf? This is not going to amount for anything so why worry about it? But your gf may sense something. Now... if you just want to get rid of your gf, you don't have to go through all this trouble.

So you think even with what she's going through herself right now , l still should tell her ?
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I am going to say you should tell the ex you have a girlfriend and not to contact you. here is why

 

1) she had three years to change her situation. If she really wanted to be with you, she would have gotten right on it. I suspect she is in between relationships and thought she would see if you are game.

2) Being that you were long distance - it was passion and sex but no real substance because you couldn't really know her because you did not live day to day near her.

3) Your current girlfriend seems to have all the good qualities it takes or the long haul -- common interests, attraction, etc.

4) If you go back with the ex, i guarantee things will get boring after you learn what eachother is like in real life/

 

Its going to take you to be strong, but i would decline the ex. See where your current relationship goes.

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Just a reply to gary first of all , yeah , l know , and this could well happen. The may well just be nothing there anymore and so hence we'd both get closure , and we could finally both move on properly emotionally and with closure, well that's what l'm thinking. And that'd be a really good thing.

 

- the only real closure with regarding the ex is time apart. Seeing her again could open old wounds.

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l mean we have talked a bit and we do feel totally different , little spats of the old us but mostly l've thought it's just been too long and whatever we were seems to be gone. but l don't know. There's all kinds of interference now.

Just curious. You opened this thread stating that the distance is what made you two decide this part time relationship didn't have a future. But here you mention `spats'.

 

Why exactly did you break up to begin with, because it does make a difference.

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