Ex of 7 years or new boyfriend 5 months

Hello

I really need help

I might have said this in a post before but I broke up with my ex (7 years) at the beginning of summer and straight after I met a guy who made me happy

I didnt mean to get into another relationship and I genuinely wanted time out for myself but I met him and I'm in love with him

I lost my virginity to him, something my ex didnt want to do until marriage because we come from a strict Church going family

My mum adores my ex and keeps comparing my boyfriend to my ex, constantly pointing out flaws and saying how I'll never find anyone who will compare to my ex

And that no one will care or do the things he does for me

But I started to come away from religion and ahat my mother wants for me isnt necessarily what I want and this angers her

My new boyfriend loves me and travels to see me all the time because he has moved to another town, but we recently had a slight pregnancy scare and he didn't even seem scared and wasn't entirely supportive and it made me miss my ex

I study in another country too, so recently my mother was in contact with my exs mother

And gave him hope we might be able to get back together

He caught a flight out to see me and turned up at my place and asked if he could stay over

Of course I let him have my place to hinself, I went and stayed over at my girlfriends place who luckily lives across the road

He tried to kiss me and I did miss him and want to kiss him but I'm not a cheater

We had lunch the following day before his flight and I forgot to change the background of my phone screen

It was a picture of me and my current boyfriend

I had told my ex I'd moved on months ago but je must've thought I was single again and I was afraid to tell him because of this grand gesture

After he saw the picture he crumbled and started crying and shaking

He couldn't believe I moved on

And said he had sacrificed everything to make a living for himself so that he could support me and give me and his own family everything we ever wanted

I felt guilty and completely selfish. But I couldn't stop thinking about my boyfriend who for the past three days hasnt asked me how I've been or anything because he's travelling, but just the timing of everything is confusing me more!

I broke up with my ex because i felt neglected and the long distance grew tough but now he is asking for another chance and thay he will be here for me whenever I ask because hes been working hard and got promoted and even bought a house for us

But I have also fallen for my current boyfriend

I dont know what the hell to do anymore

Will I make a mistake if I let my ex go? Finding a love like him, who is so loyal and thoughtful may be the biggest regret of my life

But is that a reason to want to go back to someone, when I still have mixed feelings

Sorry to hear this. Can you get a restraining order if he keeps stalking and randomly showing up like this? Tell your mother not to talk to him, unless you wanted him to come. You need to break up with your current bf rather than cheat on him. Take responsibility for your actions, stop blaming your families or exes or current bfs. Your bf will find out about your ex staying at your place. What will you tell him then? The story about the friend across the street?

He caught a flight out to see me and turned up at my place and asked if he could stay over

Neither man is a good candidate. You broke up with your ex for a good reason, and now that you've had sex with someone else, he likely would never let you live that down, and would have a nervous breakdown, given how he acted when he saw a photo of the man. Don't let others, like family, choose your lifetime partner. It's your life. And just because someone ticks all the boxes, doesn't mean your heart will agree.

Your bf has shown you how he reacts/behaves when faced with a major event. He fails. Take off your rose-colored glasses and heed the warning signs.

How about being alone for a while and concentrating on your studies? Just because you're used to being a part of a couple doesn't mean it's what's best for you. In fact, what's best for you is to learn who you are solo, so that you're fulfilled without a man. Ironically, you need that step before successfully one day finding a partner who will actually be right for you.

You had a near miss with pregnancy. Add another form of birth control, if possible, so that you're not at risk for becoming pregnant with a man you barely know. The last thing you want to do is bring a child into a very unstable union, and hinder your progress with an education and career.

Tell your mother you're an adult and no longer want advice about your love life. And then start acting like the adult you're supposed to be, capable of being on your own without the distractions of romance until you're ready.

And just because someone ticks all the boxes, doesn't mean your heart will agree.

 

- Yup. You have to have compatibility AND love. Just because they look like a king on paper does nothing for the heart.

Obviously you don't love your ex, so that's not going to work.

You do love your new boyfriend, so that's who you stay with.

You have to put your foot down and tell mom and the ex it's over forever. Or you may have to cut contact with the ex to make this happen.

No one can tell you who you love.

You had a pregnancy scare. That means that your contraception method is inadequate. You need to get ASAP on a birth control pill or IUD and supplement it with using condoms. You and your boyfriend are too immature to become parents and next time you may not be so lucky. Regardless with who you choose, do yourself and the rest of the world a favour and get on a reliable birth control method. The world doesn't need one more unhappy child.

Regarding your new boyfriend, if he didn't support you with your pregnancy scare then he isn't a good boyfriend. However, that doesn't mean that you should go back to your ex. You left your ex and that means that you don't love him. You need to stop using your ex like a safety net. If you really loved him, you wouldn't have fallen in love with someone new like that.

Neither of these guys sounds good for you. Do you have issues being alone?

I suggest that you be single for at least a year to work through the break up. Focus on other things than men.

- Yup. You have to have compatibility AND love. Just because they look like a king on paper does nothing for the heart.

 

Obviously you don't love your ex, so that's not going to work.

 

You do love your new boyfriend, so that's who you stay with.

 

You have to put your foot down and tell mom and the ex it's over forever. Or you may have to cut contact with the ex to make this happen.

 

No one can tell you who you love.

The new guy is not supportive. Another bad choice for her.

^^^^^^^^This is true

aww.. this is an emotional mess. two guys, a pregnancy scare, your mom, his mom, him showing up and crying, new guy pulling away... I'm sorry. this is a lot to deal with at one time.

I think the best thing to do is slow down. you don't have to do anything. one day at a time. I know your mom probably means well, but it's so much pressure.... take her with a grain of salt.

So let's say she's right and your ex is the best guy.... ok but that doesn't mean he is the right guy.

My thought and belief is, the right people stay in your life because they want to, so there is no rush... if you have to act now,then that is coming from a place of fear, not out of desire to be with him. And in time your true feelings will come out and you may find you reacted out of fear, not out of what you really want.

You very well could decide to be with him, but you don't know yet and it's not your mom that has to live with him.

New guy may be going through his own thought processing... at 5 months he may feel love for you, but it's too soon to say it'll last... then throw in the permanence of a baby. that's a reality check for sure.

Sounds like going abroad for school as sparked some personal growth -- questioning what you thought you always knew and wanted. And that's a good thing.

Be glad it was just a pregnancy scare, double down on your birth control and take some time for yourself. Most if the time we already, naturally, know what we want. but the need to not let others down causes the conflict within.

the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes we know why we can't have it, but we start throwing everything and the kitchen sink at the situation, "it's so complicated" but inside we know the truth... we just need the time and space to hear it....

I would tell all parties, "hey, I hope you can understand this is a lot for me and I am not ready to decide now. but I'm not asking for anyone to hold up their life and wait. I feel things can and will work out on their own"

Then live your life.... new guy might appreciate the space. ex probably could to. he wasn't expecting another guy to be in the pic, so he has his own processing to do.

And your mom, well, as a fellow daughter of a controlling mom, I can tell you, be kind and understand she wants what's best and she has her guidance. hear her out when she gives advice, but then decide for yourself. It's your life.

edited to add: as romantic as many "think" a guy buying a house for you sounds, it's also quite controlling. buying a house TOGETHER is something you decide together as partners. Just going and buying a house, saying it's for you, is his house. And if you live under his roof, it could turn into a cage.

OP your current BF sounds self-centered and selfish.

As for your ex... allow me to reacquaint you with your thread from the beginning of this year: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557259

where you mention he is selfish in the bedroom, didn't make any effort to communicate, and took you for granted.

It would seem you traded one selfish and self-centered man for another that simply happens to live in the same town.

Not to mention that barely a year ago you were having phone sex with yet another guy while still being with your ex.

Perhaps it's time for you to take some time for yourself and work on filling the void so you don't keep attracting these types of relationships into your life.

Sorry to hear this. Can you get a restraining order if he keeps stalking and randomly showing up like this? Tell your mother not to talk to him, unless you wanted him to come. You need to break up with your current bf rather than cheat on him. Take responsibility for your actions, stop blaming your families or exes or current bfs. Your bf will find out about your ex staying at your place. What will you tell him then? The story about the friend across the street?

The next day I avoided going back to my flat and it was the day of his flight

I went back to my flat an hour before his flight to confirm that it was over for good and I have moved on, and I appreciate everything and him trying to pick things up where they left off

He was defeated and destroyed

I felt like the worst human alive ending it and I fear I've broken a genuinely good man but if my heart isn't in it anymore and I can't even bring myself to hug him

Then it's over

I decided to tell my boyfriend the next day, I called him and told him everything and he was really angry but I couldn't lie or cheat him because I genuinely have feelings for him.

He was angry but I told him he had to trust me that nothing happened, and i was constantly texting him and I messaged him in the middle of the night too saying I wanted to call but he was asleep.

I couldn't tell him the same day everything was happening because he was busy with his family and friends and I didn't want to ruin that

But I came clean

I had to

and he said he loves me and it's fine and that he's disappointed I took him back to my place

but he needs space to think and process

which is fine, if he breaks up with me then it wasn't meant to be and live everyone else on the forum is telling me

It may be best if I stay single for a while

- Yup. You have to have compatibility AND love. Just because they look like a king on paper does nothing for the heart.

 

Obviously you don't love your ex, so that's not going to work.

 

You do love your new boyfriend, so that's who you stay with.

 

You have to put your foot down and tell mom and the ex it's over forever. Or you may have to cut contact with the ex to make this happen.

 

No one can tell you who you love.

Thank you so much for this, it really helped me weigh things and evaluate the whole situation.

You had a pregnancy scare. That means that your contraception method is inadequate. You need to get ASAP on a birth control pill or IUD and supplement it with using condoms. You and your boyfriend are too immature to become parents and next time you may not be so lucky. Regardless with who you choose, do yourself and the rest of the world a favour and get on a reliable birth control method. The world doesn't need one more unhappy child.

 

Regarding your new boyfriend, if he didn't support you with your pregnancy scare then he isn't a good boyfriend. However, that doesn't mean that you should go back to your ex. You left your ex and that means that you don't love him. You need to stop using your ex like a safety net. If you really loved him, you wouldn't have fallen in love with someone new like that.

Yeah I definitely agree it doesn't mean he's not a good boyfriend, I think he knew for sure I wasn't pregnant because we had used condoms

but I just got incredibly paranoid and scared because my period was late and so on (guilty of being a drama queen because I'm really not used to being sexual active lol)

But I am getting the copper IUD soon

Also it's true I think somewhere I was using him as a safety net and keeping my options open, I have to be firm with myself and my mother that it is over. I have moved on. It's not fair to my ex or my boyfriend because I'm emotionally torturing them both and may well be left single after this whole thing

Neither man is a good candidate. You broke up with your ex for a good reason, and now that you've had sex with someone else, he likely would never let you live that down, and would have a nervous breakdown, given how he acted when he saw a photo of the man. Don't let others, like family, choose your lifetime partner. It's your life. And just because someone ticks all the boxes, doesn't mean your heart will agree.

 

Your bf has shown you how he reacts/behaves when faced with a major event. He fails. Take off your rose-colored glasses and heed the warning signs.

 

How about being alone for a while and concentrating on your studies? Just because you're used to being a part of a couple doesn't mean it's what's best for you. In fact, what's best for you is to learn who you are solo, so that you're fulfilled without a man. Ironically, you need that step before successfully one day finding a partner who will actually be right for you.

 

You had a near miss with pregnancy. Add another form of birth control, if possible, so that you're not at risk for becoming pregnant with a man you barely know. The last thing you want to do is bring a child into a very unstable union, and hinder your progress with an education and career.

 

Tell your mother you're an adult and no longer want advice about your love life. And then start acting like the adult you're supposed to be, capable of being on your own without the distractions of romance until you're ready.

I know and I understand where you're coming from

I genuinely was happy being single for a couple of months of after we broke up and I was doing my own thing

hitting the gym and having fun with my friends and family

But I met him and we clicked and I really do like him a lot

So I hope things work out even after I've told him everything and have come clean

OP your current BF sounds self-centered and selfish.

 

As for your ex... allow me to reacquaint you with your thread from the beginning of this year: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557259

 

where you mention he is selfish in the bedroom, didn't make any effort to communicate, and took you for granted.

 

It would seem you traded one selfish and self-centered man for another that simply happens to live in the same town.

 

Not to mention that barely a year ago you were having phone sex with yet another guy while still being with your ex.

 

Perhaps it's time for you to take some time for yourself and work on filling the void so you don't keep attracting these types of relationships into your life.

Thanks I get swayed in the emotions and moment of things, and I have this bad habbit of sparing peoples feelings even if it complicates my own life and people around me.

Thank you for reminding me as to how miserable I was in the past, I had forgotten and was just seeing all the promises my ex was making and how he would do everything much better and to give him another chance

I fear I may have moved on too quickly and didn't give him a chance

I probably didn't communicate as well but I think I knew at some point this isn't what I want, for the rest of my life, we were young when we fell in love

aww.. this is an emotional mess. two guys, a pregnancy scare, your mom, his mom, him showing up and crying, new guy pulling away... I'm sorry. this is a lot to deal with at one time.

 

I think the best thing to do is slow down. you don't have to do anything. one day at a time. I know your mom probably means well, but it's so much pressure.... take her with a grain of salt.

 

So let's say she's right and your ex is the best guy.... ok but that doesn't mean he is the right guy.

 

My thought and belief is, the right people stay in your life because they want to, so there is no rush... if you have to act now,then that is coming from a place of fear, not out of desire to be with him. And in time your true feelings will come out and you may find you reacted out of fear, not out of what you really want.

 

You very well could decide to be with him, but you don't know yet and it's not your mom that has to live with him.

 

New guy may be going through his own thought processing... at 5 months he may feel love for you, but it's too soon to say it'll last... then throw in the permanence of a baby. that's a reality check for sure.

 

Sounds like going abroad for school as sparked some personal growth -- questioning what you thought you always knew and wanted. And that's a good thing.

 

Be glad it was just a pregnancy scare, double down on your birth control and take some time for yourself. Most if the time we already, naturally, know what we want. but the need to not let others down causes the conflict within.

 

the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes we know why we can't have it, but we start throwing everything and the kitchen sink at the situation, "it's so complicated" but inside we know the truth... we just need the time and space to hear it....

 

I would tell all parties, "hey, I hope you can understand this is a lot for me and I am not ready to decide now. but I'm not asking for anyone to hold up their life and wait. I feel things can and will work out on their own"

 

Then live your life.... new guy might appreciate the space. ex probably could to. he wasn't expecting another guy to be in the pic, so he has his own processing to do.

 

And your mom, well, as a fellow daughter of a controlling mom, I can tell you, be kind and understand she wants what's best and she has her guidance. hear her out when she gives advice, but then decide for yourself. It's your life.

 

edited to add: as romantic as many "think" a guy buying a house for you sounds, it's also quite controlling. buying a house TOGETHER is something you decide together as partners. Just going and buying a house, saying it's for you, is his house. And if you live under his roof, it could turn into a cage.

Thank you so much! your message really touched me and is so supportive, I felt that with everything you said

this is why I think the fourm is genuienly so helpful

Yes! You completely understand what it is like having a controlling mother!

Oh my goodness, yes that is true what you said about the house thing too at the end

However, I have made my mind up as to who I want to be with

When I was around my ex this weekend when I went to see him and before and after he started crying

I closed my eyes and imagined, even if my boyfriend wasn't in the picture, If I could be with him

the answer was no

Things are so emotional and complicated

It's not as easy as picking off where we left off

I don't think he will truly get over me being with another man

and I know how religion and the sanctity of being a virigin is so important to him, that he may want me now but things may turn sour and resentful later on

and even if they don't I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.

Yes going abroad has probably changed me and my thoughts on what I want from life and I felt guilty because I did not believe in the same things as my ex did but yet agreeing to them, because i thought that was what love and loyalty was..... but I don't think so anymore

I like being with my boyfriend. yes it's new. exciting and it may be the honeymoon period

but I think this will shake our relationship now that I've come clean

and what happens next is solely up to him and whteher or not he trusts me

The new guy is not supportive. Another bad choice for her.

Neither of these guys sounds good for you. Do you have issues being alone?

 

I suggest that you be single for at least a year to work through the break up. Focus on other things than men.

I don't really have issues being alone and Iwas for a couple of months, I knew I had to be to figure my own emotions and thoughts out

but I met my current boyfriend at the gym and we clicked

I told myself I just wanted something casualand to just meet new people

but we started dating and things got pretty intense, pretty fast